I started writing this post over four years ago… At the time I was upset and hurt by things happening in my personal life and in my church community. At the time I was conflicted by the discrepancy between church leaders preaching one thing and practicing another. I found myself frustrated and constantly asking Where is the Love?!
Because of various situations and circumstances in my life, I didn’t feel the freedom to honestly express my thoughts and feelings. As a result, this post remained in my drafts. Although this post doesn’t entirely resemble what I began writing four years ago, that is actually a positive change. Back then, my emotions were raw, and my perspective was clouded by the challenges and uncertainties I was facing. I remember the frustration and hurt that seeped into my words, driven by my pain and struggles. A lot has changed for me in the last few years and I no longer feel restricted or held back.
Growing up my church experience was largely shaped by my parents’ unwavering commitment to both God and the church community. Their genuine dedication and eagerness to serve meant that I was always right in the heart of everything that was happening within the church. From events to meetings and all the meaningful moments in between, I found myself on the “inside,” privy to the happenings and closely connected to the pulse of the church.
It wasn’t until a significant turn of events much later in my life that truly changed my perspective. Without going into too many details, there came a point when I found myself in a situation where I experienced a falling out with the wife of one of the church leaders. This shift marked a defining moment for me, as it was during this time that I suddenly understood what it felt like to be on the “outside” looking in.
The experience opened my eyes to a whole new side of church dynamics that I had never truly comprehended before. Suddenly, I began to sense the subtle divides and the complex relationships that often lie beneath the surface. I noticed that I was being shut out, information was being withheld as if I couldn’t be trusted, and I was purposefully being left out of discussions I had once been a part of. This newfound vantage point allowed me to grasp the nuances of how cliques can inadvertently form and how certain dynamics can shape the sense of belonging within a community.
While I found myself in a situation where my own place and standing had undergone a significant shift, what truly opened my eyes was realizing that others had been experiencing similar treatment and feelings all along.
There were people who, despite their dedication and commitment, had silently battled with a sense of not fully belonging. They had faced barriers to connection that were beyond their control, and this had been their reality for much longer than my own temporary experience. It was humbling to recognize that my brief stint on the outside had given me just a taste of what these people had been enduring for a long time.
In an unexpected way, this experience of being on the outside provided me with a valuable lesson in empathy and understanding. It taught me the importance of being inclusive and welcoming, making sure that others don’t feel left out or isolated. It was a reminder that even within the walls of a church, where we seek connection and unity, there’s still room to grow in how we relate to one another and ensure that everyone feels a sense of belonging.
This experience urged me to be an advocate for encouraging a more open and inclusive environment within the church community. It motivated me to stand up for those who may have felt their voices weren’t heard or their presence wasn’t fully acknowledged. The wisdom gained from this eye-opening revelation has become a guiding force in how I approach relationships and interactions, not only within the church but in all aspects of my life.
In conclusion, now I can look back and I’m thankful for this experience. Not only did it open my eyes to the way others might be feeling, but it also served as a catalyst to initiate my departure from the IFB.
Disclaimer:The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. I want to acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. However, I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
Abstract/TL:DR:Over time and with some distance from difficult situations, I’ve personally found that things do get easier. The weight of emotions lessens, and healing begins. Stepping away physically and emotionally gaining perspective plays a crucial role in finding relief and strength. While everyone’s situation is unique, the saying “it gets easier with time and distance” holds some truth. So, embrace the process, take it one step at a time, and know that healing and growth are possible.
I’ve found that as time passes and I put some distance between myself and difficult situations, things really do start to get easier. It’s like the weight of those emotions slowly lessens, and I begin to see things in a new light. When I was going through heartbreak or tough times, it felt like I’d never be able to move on or find peace. But with each passing day, the pain seemed to lose its sharpness, and I started to heal.
Sometimes, all it took was physically stepping away from a situation or person that was causing me distress. Getting some space allowed me to clear my head and gain a fresh perspective. And you know what? That made a world of difference. I realized that the intensity of my emotions had been clouding my judgment and hindering my ability to see a way out.
But it’s not just about physical distance; emotional distance plays a significant role too! As I gradually processed my feelings, I could begin to detach myself from the immediate emotional impact. It isn’t easy, and I have to be intentional about it, but I have learned to take a step back and gain a more objective outlook on things. And with time, that emotional distance allowed me to find healing and a sense of inner strength.There are still times where I struggle and fall back into old ways of feeling and thinking, but as time passes those times of recession occur less often.
While time and distance aid in healing wounds, they do not minimize the fact that their was hurt; they simply make it more manageable. Of course, everyone’s journey is different, and healing is a unique process for each person. But from my own experience, I can say that the saying “it gets easier with time and distance” does hold some truth. When I’m in the midst of a difficult situation, it’s sometimes hard to believe that things will ever improve. But looking back on my life, I can see how I’ve grown and overcome challenges, and that gives me hope for the future.
So, to anyone going through a tough time right now, I want to say that it may not feel like it at this moment, but eventually, you’ll find your way through. Take it one step at a time, and remember that healing and growth are possible. With time and a bit of distance, you might just surprise yourself with the strength and resilience you’ll discover that you have.
Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that it gets easier with time and distance, I want to emphasize that I am still growing and working on myself. I don’t have all the answers, but I am trying my best to learn and evolve. The sentiment I expressed about things becoming more manageable with time is based on my personal experiences up until now.I hope that in the future I can use what I have been learning to help me deal with tough situations in a mature and healthy way.
Abstract/TL;DR: Churches often prioritize extroverted qualities, but it’s important to recognize and value introverts’ strengths and needs for meaningful connections and solitary recharging. Balancing social activities with introspection creates an inclusive environment where both personality types (ambiverts too)feel valued and supported in their faith journey.
I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, churches, with their emphasis on social interactions, group activities and communal gatherings, often cater to the preferences of extroverted people. Extroverts tend to thrive in the vibrant and interactive atmosphere, finding comfort and energy in the company of others. They enjoy the lively worship services, engaging in discussions, and participating in various church events. Extroverts recharge their batteries by being in the company of others.
On the other hand, those who are introverted or less inclined towards social interactions might find themselves at a disadvantage in such church settings. Introverts often prefer solitary reflection and meaningful one-on-one conversations. The constant pressure to participate in large group settings and the expectation to be outgoing can be overwhelming and draining for them. Introverts recharge their batteries by spending time in solitude and engaging in introspective activities. Their batteries are drained by prolonged or intense social interactions and external stimuli, leading to a need for solitary downtime to recover.
Introverts might struggle to connect with others in such an extroverted environment, feeling like their voices and thoughts are overlooked amidst the fervor of group activities. As a result, they may find it challenging to build meaningful relationships within the church community.
In some cases, introverts might feel a sense of guilt or inadequacy for not being as socially active as their extroverted counterparts. This can lead to feelings of isolation and make them feel like they don’t fully belong or fit into the church culture.
While neither personality is inherently superior, there is often a perception that people who excel in group social gatherings are given more prominence in the church and are seen as more significant contributors to the “cause of Christ” compared to those who find value in quieter, personal connections.
The loud exuberance of the extroverted person is praised, while the quieter introvert is made to feel wrong for not enjoying the same level of social interaction. Society and churches often celebrate the outgoing and vivacious personalities, perceiving them as the “life of the party” and the ones who bring joy to any gathering. They are given positions in the spotlight and given positions of authority and their ability to effortlessly navigate social situations and engage with others is highly regarded and admired.
On the other hand, the introverted individual, who prefers moments of introspection and solitude, might be misunderstood or labeled as shy, aloof, or anti-social. They may feel pressured to conform to societal expectations of being more outgoing, as if their natural inclination to seek quiet reflection is somehow deficient or undesirable. The prevailing focus on extroverted qualities within the church community sometimes overshadowed the quieter contributions that introverted individuals could make.
This societal bias can be challenging for introverts, as it leaves them feeling like they need to change who they are to fit in or be accepted. They might question themselves, doubting whether their preference for quiet environments is a flaw or a limitation. In reality, introverts possess unique strengths, such as deep thinking, empathy, and excellent listening skills, which can contribute significantly to meaningful interactions and connections with others.
Recognizing and understanding these differences is crucial for churches to create inclusive and supportive environments for all congregants, regardless of their personality traits. Embracing a diversity of personalities and offering opportunities for both communal gatherings and more intimate interactions can help introverted individuals feel valued and appreciated within the church community. Additionally, creating a culture of acceptance, where each person is encouraged to participate in ways that feel comfortable to them, can enable both extroverts and introverts to engage meaningfully in their faith journey.
For introverted individuals, the vibrant and socially demanding environment of church services and events can be particularly draining. After a service filled with enthusiastic interactions and large group gatherings, they may find themselves in need of solitude and quiet reflection to recharge their energy. This need for self-preservation and personal space is essential for introverts to maintain their emotional well-being.
Although I don’t personally identify solely as an extrovert or an introvert, I fall somewhere in between. I lean towards being an extrovert with the social battery of an introvert. (often referred to as an “ambivert”)
In the past, my experiences at church as an ambivert were a mix of engagement and fatigue. While I could actively participate in group activities and discussions, I found myself feeling drained afterward, craving solitude to recharge. I can only imagine what it is like for introverted people! (check out my recent post about needing to nap after Sunday services by clicking HERE)
Unfortunately, some churches may inadvertently add to the pressure on introverts by emphasizing constant engagement in various ministries and group activities. Introverted individuals might feel guilty or inadequate for prioritizing their self-preservation over endless involvement, as if their quieter contributions are less valued.
It’s vital for churches to recognize and appreciate the unique strengths that introverts bring to the community. They often excel in deep, meaningful connections and thoughtful contributions that may not be as visible in large group settings. Creating opportunities for introverts to serve and contribute in ways that align with their personalities and strengths fosters a more inclusive and supportive church environment.
Allowing introverts the space to recharge and respecting their need for quiet reflection can lead to greater engagement and dedication in the long run. By embracing a diversity of personalities and valuing each person’s unique contribution, churches can create an environment where both extroverted and introverted people feel valued, accepted, and encouraged in their faith journey.
Disclaimer: The following reflections are based on my personal perspective and experiences. It’s important to note that neither extroverted nor introverted personalities are inherently superior; both have their unique strengths and contributions that enrich our understanding of human diversity. The intention is to shed light on the church dynamics between these personality types within certain contexts, rather than to pass judgment on their merits.
Abstract/TL;DR: Controlling people’s time means controlling their lives. This influence extends to their priorities, commitments, choices, opportunities, and relationships, ultimately shaping who they become.In the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community, there’s this concept of “Three to Thrive” that says you must attend church at least three times a week to thrive in your faith. Some pastors take it to an extreme, expecting you to be there for every little thing they put on the social calendar, even during life’s most significant moments. This pressure can be distressing, especially when dealing with grief or loss. Church attendance should never be used to control or manipulate congregants. True faith should inspire, not burden with guilt. If church attendance becomes a source of distress, it’s okay to reevaluate and find a balance that prioritizes well-being and genuine spirituality.The Bible doesn’t directly tell us to attend church services as we do today, but it does highlight the value of coming together, fostering fellowship, helping those in need, and being actively involved in a community of believers.
If you can control people’s calendars and time, then you can control a significant aspect of their lives. This control extends to their priorities, commitments, and even the choices they make. Manipulating someone’s time can impact their opportunities for personal growth, self-assurance, and pursuing their passions. It can also influence their social interactions and relationships, limiting their exposure to diverse perspectives and experiences. Ultimately, controlling someone’s time can shape their beliefs, actions, and decisions, impacting the course of their life and the person they become.
By controlling time a sense of dependency on the controlling party is created, making it challenging for individuals to break free from the cycle of control. It can also involve prioritizing certain activities or obligations over others. In some environments, individuals might be pressured to devote an excessive amount of time to specific tasks or responsibilities, leaving them with little room for personal growth, rest, or pursuing their interests.
For the majority of my young life I spent countless hours each week attending church related activities. As I child and teen, I loved spending time at the church with my friends and fellow members, creating wonderful memories while serving together. However, as an adult, I found myself torn between spending time with my young family, work, school, seeking rest and peace, and the persistent guilt and pressure of attending every single church activity.
In the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community there is a common concept concerning church attendance called “Three to Thrive.” According to them, you’ve got to be in church no less than three times a week to truly thrive in your faith and Christian walk. 1) Sunday school and Sunday morning services 2) Sunday evening and 3) Wednesday evening prayer meeting. But it doesn’t just stop at three…there are also many other times that a faithful member should be attending as well: Thursday evening and Saturday morning soul winning, bus route visitation, and revival meetings, missions conference, special guest speakers and evangelists services, VBS and summer outreach programs, teen activities, children’s activities, ladies’ Bible study, men’s prayer breakfasts, men’s and women’s conferences, couples retreats, young married get togethers, choir practice, spring cleaning days, Christmas decorating, Christmas and Easter play practices, Christmas and Valentine’s day dinners, special programs, regular programs, making meals for those who are sick or in need, studying and preparing to teach Bible lessons, game nights, picnics and potluck dinners, before morning service coffee, in between service fellowships, after church fellowships, ice cream fellowships, deacons’ meetings, Sunday school teachers meetings, ministry meetings, nursery meetings, baby dedications, bridal showers, baby showers, weddings and funerals for people you may or may not know, arriving early and staying late, the list goes on…When the doors of the church are open, you are expected to be there, no exceptions.
In some extreme cases, certain pastors and members in the IFB community take the emphasis on church attendance to an unsettling level. Picture this: you just gave birth to a beautiful baby. Congratulations! You had a rough labor and delivery and you are so tired, overwhelmed, and in pain from the experience. All you want to do is spend time enjoying your new baby and resting from the experience… but don’t forget to hurry back to church shortly after giving birth! It is seen as a badge of honor to bring a brand new tiny newborn to church only days or hours after being discharged from the hospital. That little one needs to start attending church immediately. For example, on more than one occasion, I heard one of my church’s former pastors proudly boast about wanting to leave his laboring wife to attend Sunday services and choir practice!!! Even now, he continues to preach to his congregation that he expects them to have the same level of commitment to church attendance and that this is an essential aspect of Christian spirituality.(can I say FOMO?!)
The pressure to adhere to the “Three to Thrive” concept in church attendance can sometimes lead to uncomfortable situations, including feeling compelled to attend church even when feeling unwell. It’s not uncommon to hear stories of individuals feeling guilty for missing a service due to illness, as if their dedication to faith is being put to the test.
What’s even more concerning is when this pressure comes from the leadership itself. Some pastors, driven by the belief that church attendance is paramount, may set an example by attending church despite being ill, even with fevers and contagious illnesses. This behavior can inadvertently encourage congregants to push their own limits and prioritize church attendance over their health and the well-being of others. I can attest that all too many times the youth pastor’s children were brought to the nursery with runny noses, coughs, fevers, and even one time with pink eye, which is highly contagious.
While the intention behind this may be to show the importance of church involvement, it can send the wrong message and place unnecessary strain on members who are already dealing with health issues. Attending church while contagious can risk spreading illnesses to others in the congregation and undermine the significance of responsible self-care. In my opinion, this disregard for staying home while sick was evident in the actions of many IFB pastors during the pandemic. They seemed frantic to reopen their churches, putting their congregations at risk despite the advice of the CDC and department of health to stay closed and distant.
In such situations, it is crucial for church leaders to prioritize the health and safety of their congregation. Encouraging members to prioritize rest and seek medical attention when needed shows genuine care and understanding for their well-being. Faith and spirituality are not measured by the number of times someone attends church while sick; rather, it is a matter of personal growth and connection with God. Despite what many IFB pastors preach, a connection with God is possible outside of the church while at home recovering from illness.
I know of one member who had cancer who would boast about wearing his ambulatory chemotherapy infusion pump to church, even after undergoing all-day chemo infusions. As an oncology nurse, I would advise him against attending services on days he received chemo, concerned about his well-being. However, to my chagrin, the church leaders praised him for his dedication, despite the potential risks to his health.
While church can offer comfort and support during challenging times, it is equally important to recognize that attending church while ill can be counterproductive and potentially harmful. Pastors should be advocates for both spiritual growth and physical well-being, promoting a healthy balance between church commitments and self-care. Ultimately, creating an environment of understanding and compassion will enable members to thrive spiritually without compromising their health.
Even immediately after the loss of a loved one during times of profound grief and mourning, there is pressure to return to church and ministry. This expectation can be emotionally distressing for those already suffering with the weight of their sorrow. I realize the idea behind this approach is often rooted in the belief that being in church and surrounded by the congregation will provide comfort and support. While seeking comfort from a supportive community can be valuable, the pressure to return to church and continue serving immediately after a significant loss can feel insensitive and overwhelming. Grieving is a deeply personal and delicate process, and everyone copes with loss differently. Pushing people to suppress their grief and prioritize church attendance can add further distress and hinder their natural grieving process.
Genuine pastoral care should encompass empathy, understanding, and compassion. Encouraging members to find their own path to healing and providing support without imposing rigid expectations is more conducive to a healthy emotional recovery. Respecting the uniqueness of each person’s grieving process and allowing them the time and space they need is a vital aspect of genuine care and support in times of sorrow. I knew and know pastors that practice this type of compassion, I am personally related to one of them.
While church can be a source of comfort and community during both exciting and difficult times, it should never be wielded as a tool to control or impose expectations on congregants who are navigating illness, life changes, or profound loss.
I understand the significance of church in some people’s lives—connecting with faith, finding comfort, and building a sense of community. While church is essential for some people’s faith, let’s not forget that it’s okay to miss a service now and then. It seems some pastors have taken “Three to Thrive” to a new level and believe it’s the key to unlocking spiritual greatness. Some pastors really seem to believe church attendance is the only measure of one’s spirituality. At times, it feels like a measure of control, as if one’s devotion and dedication are being tested. The pressure to be ever-present in the church community can leave some people feeling guilty and inadequate if they can’t meet these lofty standards. I also believe some pastors fear that if their congregants are given space to breathe and don’t spend an excessive amount of time busying themselves at the church, they might start to notice certain flaws in what they are being taught. (In my opinion this is another reason why many IFB pastors were frantic to reopen their churches during the pandemic putting their congregations at risk despite the advice of the CDC and department of health)
While regular church attendance can be an essential aspect of one’s faith journey, it becomes concerning when it turns into a means of control rather than an aid to genuine spiritual growth. True faith should inspire and uplift, not burden with unrealistic expectations. If missing a worship services causes overwhelming guilt and anxiety it may be important to pause and reconsider and reflect on the underlying reasons behind these feelings. It’s important to remember that genuine spirituality should not be driven by fear or pressure, but rather by a sincere desire to connect with God. If attending church becomes a source of distress rather than peace, it might be beneficial to take a step back and reevaluate. Finding a balance between personal well-being and church involvement is essential, and everyone’s journey of faith is unique and valid.
Another observance I have noted, is oftentimes, congregants are encouraged to prioritize their time and energy towards church activities, yet there are instances when these same pastors who encourage attendance at all costs might not make themselves available to the congregants in the same way. It’s intriguing how the emphasis on and pressure of attendance and service sometimes doesn’t apply across the board to all members equally either. (I have personally known of instances where pastors expect their congregants to be available at a moment’s notice, but when things are reversed, there have been occasions when members reach out for support these same pastors are too busy due to being engaged in travel for pleasure or to other churches for speaking engagements or are busy with other endeavors.)
While I understand the value of a thriving church community, this unbalanced dynamic can create feelings of frustration and confusion among congregants. Witnessing pastors encourage constant engagement while not consistently practicing the same level of availability for their members can be demoralizing. It raises questions about authenticity and whether the expectations set are truly equal. A healthy church community should be built on a foundation of shared commitment, where leaders and congregants alike uphold the principles they preach. (If you have been following along with my journey of finding faith following fundamentalism, you’re aware that the discrepancy between preaching one thing and practicing another is a significant concern for me.)
In the grand scheme of things, “Three to Thrive” might be a catchy phrase, but it’s not the ultimate measure of faith. Sometimes, life calls for a little flexibility. Ultimately, prioritizing mental, spiritual, and emotional well-being is a vital aspect of adopting a healthy and genuine relationship with faith. We should be understanding and supportive of one another, even if we can’t make it to every service. Attend church, engage with your community, and nurture your faith. But remember, it’s not about religious obligations; it’s about the genuine journey we take on our own path of faith. So, whether you feel the need to attend “Three to Thrive” or not, no one should feel coerced into sacrificing their well-being or family time in the name of strict church attendance.
“Three to Thrive,”
“Three to Thrive,” they often chant, A moment of rest, a wish to grant! Not just Sundays and Wednesdays, it’s so much more, We’re always rushing out the door.
Amidst the chaotic frenzy, in church life I find,
An overwhelming guilt, so intertwined.
From Sunday school to Wednesday prayer,
So many activities, you must be there.
Sunday morning, Sunday night,
And Thursday’s soul winning, schedules are tight.
Saturday’s outreach, it never ends,
So many events, my head spins.
Revival meetings, missions too,
Special guest speakers, there’s always a few.
VBS in the summer, bus routes all year round,
With so much to do, I just might drown.
Children go wild, teen activities galore,
Ladies’ Bible studies, men’s meetings and more.
Couples retreats, so much to plan,
In this whirlwind, can I still stand?
Choir practice, and cleaning days,
Christmas, Easter, endless plays.
Dinners, picnics, one after another,
Is there room to breathe, I often wonder?
Game nights, potlucks, ice cream craze,
Fellowship prep that take up all my days.
Deacons, nursery, teachers meetings abound,
In this packed schedule, I’m feeling bound.
Funerals, Bridal and baby showers too,
Weddings and baby dedications, so much more to do!
No exceptions, always be there,
Activity overload, it’s too much to bear.
In this frenzy, I must confide,
Sometimes it feels like a crazy ride.
In this flurry, I must confess,
Sometimes it feels like a massive mess.
With love and faith, is it all sincere?
But is there space to breathe in here?
So let’s take a step back, and take a break,
Reevaluate for our own sake.
In the quest for growth, let’s redefine,
A balanced church life, that’s truly Divine.
Disclaimer: The Bible doesn’t explicitly command church attendance in the way that modern practices of attending a church service are understood. However, the Bible does emphasize the importance of fellowship, gathering together, and being a part of a community of believers. I am painting with a broad brush, not all IFB pastors or members believe this way.It’s important to acknowledge that people have diverse experiences and emotions when it comes to church attendance. Some find great comfort, community, and peace in their church, while others may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to constantly commit time, money, and effort to the congregation. When guilt is used to manipulate and control those who struggle with attendance, it is concerning and should not be condoned. True pastoral care involves understanding and compassion for each person’s unique journey and challenges, without resorting to manipulation or imposing rigid expectations. Not all IFB pastors use guilt and shame to coerce their members to attend church faithfully. Everyone should be given the freedom to navigate their faith and church involvement in a way that feels right for them. If the Holy Spirit isn’t bringing about conviction, it’s not the pastor’s place to impose guilt.
Abstract/TL;DR:After leaving my former church, I attended my niece’s baptism there. Returning brought up mixed emotions and feelings of anxiety and unsafety. While it was a bittersweet experience, it reinforced that my decision to leave was the correct choice.
After leaving my former church, I found myself facing an emotional challenge when I decided whether or not to attend my niece’s baptism there. I had trepidation about going back, knowing that it could stir up memories and emotions I had worked hard to put behind me. But family is important, and I wanted to be there for my sister and my niece on her special day.
As I walked through the doors of the church, memories flooded back, and I felt a mix of emotions. Seeing familiar faces and hearing familiar hymns brought both comfort and unease. It was like revisiting a place I used to call home, but now it felt foreign.
During the service, I felt a sense of disconnection. The familiar beliefs and teachings that once shaped my worldview now felt distant and unfamiliar. I had grown and evolved, and the church’s ideology no longer aligned with my own.
As the baptism proceeded, I couldn’t help but feel anxious and unsafe. The atmosphere felt stifling, and I was acutely aware of the judgments and expectations that used to surround me. It was a strange sensation to be back in a place so familiar, yet so alien.
After the service, I spoke with many old friends, many asked where I had been and if I would be returning. Due to the business of various ministries, many people hadn’t even noticed I had been gone, they thought our path just hadn’t crossed because I had just been serving somewhere else.
While I was happy to be there for my niece’s special day, I also felt a sense of relief when I walked out those doors knowing that I would never be returning again. Leaving the church had been a challenging decision, and attending this baptism brought back memories of the people I had left behind. There was a bittersweet undercurrent to the experience.
In the aftermath of the visit, I found myself processing a whirlwind of emotions. The visit had stirred up old wounds, and I found myself grappling with feelings of anxiety and vulnerability for days following the baptism. The choice to leave the church had been transformative, but confronting my past also reminded me of the challenges I had faced. It reaffirmed my commitment to embracing my own beliefs and values and find strength in staying true to myself.
In the end, attending my niece’s baptism was a reminder of why I made the choice I did to leave. Returning solidified the reassurance I needed. I was reminded of the intentional growth I had made since leaving the church. It was a bittersweet experience, but it also reinforced my decision to distance myself from that community. While it may have been challenging, I’m grateful for the growth and self-awareness that came from confronting my past and finding strength in the person I’ve become today.
Returning
Familiar faces and hymns I knew, But the beliefs, once mine, seemed askew. A disconnection in that sacred space, Where I once found comfort, but not grace.
Reflecting now, I see the light, Embracing beliefs that feel right. It was in leaving, I found my way, A stronger self in the present day.
Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.
Abstract/TL;DR:Sundays used to be a struggle for me while I was in the IFB community, causing anxiety and exhaustion. Leaving the community brought freedom and relief, allowing for relaxation and self-reflection on Sundays. Napping became a necessary emotional recharge, but after leaving, it transformed into a source of enjoyment and rejuvenation. Listening to my body has been transformative, leading to self-compassion and setting boundaries. Now, I no longer push myself beyond my limits and embrace a healthier lifestyle.
If you have been following along with my recent pivot from beauty content to talking about my personal and spiritual growth, thank you! I am being mindful of how often I bring up my experiences in the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community. I’m trying to refrain from being too negative. With 40 years of information to process through, I’m thoughtfully deciding what to share openly and what to keep private. I genuinely appreciate your patience and understanding as I work through all of this and selectively share.
Back when I was still attending church in the IFB community, Sundays were always a struggle for me. I would wake up and immediately feel the weight of the day ahead. I dreaded getting ready, feeling uptight and anxious the entire morning. During my last few years in that community, I was also suffered with frequent migraines and constant neck pain. Despite being a short distance, the drive to church was the worst. I would often feel my heart racing, my shoulders tense, and my palms sweating with anticipatory anxiety. As soon as we stepped through the door of the church, I sensed the pressure to be constantly “on.” It was as if one wrong move could instantly make me fodder for gossip. The pressure and expectation to be perfect was overwhelming.
Leaving the church after the morning services, I would be physically and emotionally drained. The pressure to fit in and the fear of being judged weighed heavily on my mind. At times, I found myself questioning my own thoughts and actions, wondering if they aligned with the expectations of the church. The combination of the lengthy sermons and the pressure to conform to a specific system of rules left me utterly exhausted. Only then to dread returning later that evening for a second round of services.
While some seemed to feel uplifted and rejuvenated by the services, I felt depleted. Like a battery that has been drained of its power.
Napping on Sunday afternoons between services became a necessity for me to survive the rest of the week. If I didn’t take that nap, I would be completely spent, struggling to find the energy to face the challenges ahead. It almost felt like a mandatory emotional recharge to make it through the coming days.
However, things changed when I decided to leave the IFB community. As I stepped away from that environment, I noticed a remarkable shift in my mental and emotional well-being, along with a sense of freedom and relief, I no longer constantly felt exhausted.
No longer bound by rigid expectations and exhausting routines, I discovered a newfound vigor. With the weight of the IFB teachings lifted, the overwhelming need for Sunday afternoon naps dissipated. I found myself energized and excited about the week ahead, free from the mental and emotional exhaustion that once plagued me. Rather than being confined to a routine, instead of requiring sleep, Sundays became a time for relaxation, time with my family, and pursuing activities that genuinely brought me joy, rather than a struggle to recover from draining obligations.
I no longer need Sunday afternoon naps because I’ve freed myself from the constraints of that community. This has also taught me the importance of listening to my body. For a long time I was pushing myself to “do what is right” despite the physical and emotional pain it was causing me. Stepping away from that community, it became clear that taking care of myself was not a sign of weakness or selfishness, but an elementary act of self-respect and self-preservation.
Learning to listen to my body’s signals has been transformative. I now recognize the value of self-compassion and the significance of setting boundaries to protect my well-being. It has enabled me to break free from the cycle of pushing myself beyond my limits and has allowed me to embrace a healthier and more fulfilling way of living. If a situation or group is consistently causing me to have a racing heart, tense shoulders, and sweating palms, migraines, and exhaustion, that situation needs to be reevaluated.
I now take naps for enjoyment, not out of necessity. Instead of using naps as a means to recover from mentally, spiritually, and emotionally exhausting religious obligations, I now see them as a way to recharge my mind and body. The shift from feeling compelled to rest as a means of survival, to choosing to rest for enjoyment has brought contentment. Each nap is now an opportunity to pause, unwind, and simply rest.
Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. While I was happy attending the IFB for many years, I began to feel overwhelmed and stifled. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.
Abstract/TL;DR: Growing up with an “us vs. them” mentality, I was taught to interpreted the actions of others as attacks on my faith. However, I’ve come to understand that people are primarily driven by their own needs and circumstances. Jesus taught love, compassion, and unity, challenging divisions and emphasizing forgiveness. Recognizing that people are for themselves allows me to approach interactions with empathy and compassion, fostering unity amidst diverse perspectives. Bible verses emphasize love for others, unity, and breaking down divisions, reflecting Jesus’ teachings.
As I have recently mentioned, having grown up in a religious culture that often promoted an “us vs. them” mentality, where people were categorized as either “saved or part of the world,” “for us or against us.” I was taught to interpret the actions of others as a direct attack on my faith or values. I was told that it was personal, as if their choices were deliberate attempts to undermine my beliefs. Over the years I’ve heard a lot about being “persecuted” by “them”. (Persecution is when people or groups face mistreatment, discrimination, or harassment because of their race, religion, beliefs, or identity. It involves targeting them unfairly, denying their rights, and subjecting them to unfair treatment, ranging from verbal abuse to physical violence.)
However, since leaving that community, I have come to learn a valuable lesson: people are not against me, but rather for themselves. Meaning, people are primarily driven by their own needs, desires, and circumstances, they are not interested in what I am doing unless it personally affects them.
Recognizing that individuals prioritize their own interests has allowed me to let go of the notion that their actions are intentionally against me. Rather than being preoccupied with comparisons or seeking external validation, I now try to approach interactions with empathy and compassion, understanding that they, like me, are navigating their own unique journeys. (You know, it’s been pretty amazing to realize that people don’t care about what I’m doing even half as much as I do. It’s been liberating, to say the least!)
While controversial topics are not my usual focus in posts, I am going to make a quick exception. One area where many evangelicals feel persecuted by them is the belief in a “gay agenda” coming to attack their families. This belief can lead to polarization, discrimination, and resistance to LGBTQ+ rights, straining relationships and limiting open dialogue. The concept of a “gay agenda” is a subject of debate, (one I have personally heard preached from the pulpit on more than one occasion) with some viewing it as an alleged organized effort by the LGBTQ+ community to promote their rights by attacking traditional family values (while others consider it a dismissive term for their struggles for equality.) In reality, there are evangelical organizations that work against LGBTQ+ rights, but as far as I know there is no unified “gay agenda” working against evangelical families. There is diverse advocacy for civil rights and social acceptance among LGBTQ+ individuals, which does not threaten family units.
While this is a hotly debated topic, it is essential to approach the subject with nuance and open-mindedness. Just because someone is different than you does not automatically make them wrong. Treating people in the LGBTQ+ community with dignity, love, and respect is crucial, just as all humans deserve. Showing kindness and treating fellow humans with dignity should be the absolute minimum expectation for any Christian. If you claim to love God, you prove that by showing love to all people. I must also add, some of the kindest and most interesting people I know are LGBTQ.
Many evangelicals claim to be persecuted, yet their actions often involve persecuting those who differ from them. They might discriminate, stigmatize, and resist people and communities that don’t fit their beliefs. They come together to boycott companies that support organizations and people with which they don’t agree. Even though they support “Christian” companies, which sometimes engage in questionable nefarious actions.So, while they claim to be victims, they end up perpetuating discrimination and marginalization against others. It’s crucial to be aware of these contradictions and treat everyone with respect and empathy, regardless of their beliefs or identities.
Despite religious cultures that promote an “us vs. them” mentality, that mentality completely contradicts what Jesus consistently preached. He emphasized love, compassion, and unity among all people, regardless of their background or beliefs.
One of the central teachings of Jesus was to love one’s neighbor as oneself. This teaching encourages individuals to extend love, care, and understanding to all people, without discrimination or division. Jesus exemplified this by interacting with individuals from different walks of life, including social outcasts, sinners, and even those from opposing religious groups.
The Sermon on the Mount is one of the most well-known and significant teachings of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew (Matthew 5-7). In this powerful sermon, Jesus delivers a profound message that outlines the principles and ethics of the Kingdom of God.
The Sermon on the Mount covers a wide range of topics, including the Beatitudes (blessed are the poor in spirit, the meek, the merciful, etc.), teachings on love and forgiveness, the importance of being salt and light in the world, and the fulfillment of the law.
Jesus emphasizes the transformation of the heart, encouraging his followers to go beyond mere external observances of the law and focus on the attitudes and intentions behind their actions. He challenges his listeners to love their enemies, pray for those who persecute them, and practice humility, purity of heart, and peacemaking.
The central theme of the Sermon on the Mount is love. Jesus calls his disciples to love God with all their hearts and to love their neighbors as themselves. He teaches that love should guide their relationships, actions, and decisions.
Jesus often challenged the rigid divisions prevalent in his society and emphasized the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation. He taught his followers to love their enemies, bless those who curse them, and pray for those who mistreat them. This message encouraged his disciples to rise above the divisive mentality and approach others with compassion and forgiveness.
Additionally, Jesus emphasized the value of unity and community. He emphasized love, compassion, and kindness towards others throughout his ministry. His teachings encouraged his followers to treat all individuals with respect and empathy, regardless of their background, social status, or circumstances. He prayed for his followers to be united as one, just as he and God the Father were one. Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of God, which transcends worldly divisions and includes all who follow his teachings.
In the Gospels, Jesus often spoke about the importance of loving one’s neighbor as oneself (Mark 12:31) and treating others the way you would want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). He showed compassion towards marginalized and outcast individuals, embracing those who were considered social outcasts during his time, such as tax collectors, sinners, and lepers.
Here are a few Bible verses that correspond to Jesus’ teachings about love, unity, and breaking down divisions:
Love for Others:
Mark 12:31: “The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
Matthew 5:44: “But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”
Unity and Oneness:
John 17:21: “I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.”
Ephesians 4:4-6: “For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all.”
Overcoming Divisions:
Galatians 3:28: “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Colossians 3:11: “In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.”
These verses reflect Jesus’ teachings of love, unity, and breaking down divisions among people. They emphasize the importance of extending love to all, embracing unity, and seeing one another as equal members of the Kingdom of God.
Understanding that people are for themselves and not against me has created space for healthier connections and more positive interactions. By embracing this truth, I can bridge the divide that the “us vs. them” mentality often creates, encouraging dialogue and a sense of unity amidst our diverse perspectives.
Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. Hatred towards any group of people is wrong, and no Bible verses can justify or support such hatred, regardless of how they may be interpreted or twisted. Love, compassion, and empathy should guide our interactions with others, promoting respect and understanding for all individuals, regardless of their background, race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or identity.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.
Abstract/TL;DR: Thought-stopping clichés are used to shut down critical thinking and discourage questioning in various contexts, including religious settings. They can limit understanding, reinforce conformity, and hinder personal growth. It is important to respond to these clichés with kindness, respect, and thoughtful engagement. Encouraging further explanation, sharing personal beliefs, asking thought-provoking questions, offering examples, and finding shared values can foster meaningful dialogue and promote open-mindedness.
First things first, let’s get the disclaimer out of the way…
Disclaimer:As I discuss thought stopping cliché s, it is important to note that I hold a personal belief in the power of God and the significance of prayer. However, I also firmly believe in the value of critical thinking and actively engaging in problem-solving. While faith and prayer play a vital role in my life, I recognize the importance of balancing spiritual guidance with intellectual exploration. The purpose of exploring thought stopping cliches is to encourage a thoughtful and balanced approach, where faith and critical thinking can coexist harmoniously. It is my intention to promote a nuanced perspective that embraces the benefits of both spiritual beliefs and rational examination in navigating life’s challenges and seeking personal growth.
As you can probably tell from the length of this post, I have been reflecting on and working through these thoughts for quite some time now. Not only have I personally experienced the effects of these phrases being used against me, but I have also been guilty of using many of these clichés in the past. Learning about thought stopping clichés has truly been eye-opened for me.
First let’s talk about what is a thought stopping chiché. A thought stopping cliché refers to a brief and often repeated phrase or slogan that serves as a mechanism to shut down or dismiss critical thinking, doubts, or exploration of alternative perspectives. These clichés are designed to halt further inquiry or questioning, maintaining the status quo and discouraging individuals from challenging established beliefs or practices. By invoking these clichés, individuals or groups can manipulate others’ thoughts and control the narrative, effectively stifling independent thinking and reinforcing conformity. Thought stopping clichés can be powerful tools for influencing and shaping perceptions, often used in high control environments or to discourage dissenting opinions.
Secondly, let’s talk about what is a high control environment: A high control environment refers to a setting where there is a significant degree of influence, manipulation, and restriction on individuals’ thoughts, behaviors, and choices. In such environments, there is often a central authority or group that exercises control over its members, dictating their beliefs, practices, and even personal lives. These environments can be found in various contexts, including religious, political, or social groups. High control environments typically employ tactics such as strict rules, intense surveillance, information control, isolation from external influences, and the use of thought-stopping techniques to maintain conformity and discourage critical thinking. The goal of a high control environment is to exert power and influence over individuals, often at the expense of their autonomy, individuality, and personal freedom.
In high control groups, thought stopping clichés are utilized as a means of control and manipulation. These phrases are the answers given whenever they encounter thoughts or doubts that challenge the group’s beliefs or teachings.
Here are a few examples of thought-stopping clichés commonly used in everyday situations:
“It is what it is.” This phrase is often employed to dismiss or avoid further discussion or analysis of a situation. It implies a sense of resignation and discourages seeking solutions or understanding. While some situations cannot be changed, using, “It is what it is.” to shut down a discussion is a thought stopping tactic.
“Just think positive!” This cliché is often used to oversimplify complex emotions or challenges. While optimism and positivity are important, this phrase can dismiss genuine struggles and discourage exploring deeper issues.
“Don’t rock the boat.” This phrase is used to discourage questioning or challenging the status quo. It suggests that maintaining harmony or avoiding conflict is more important than addressing underlying issues or seeking meaningful change.
“That’s just the way things are.” This thought-stopping cliché implies that certain circumstances or systems are unchangeable or beyond our control. It discourages critical thinking and overlooks the potential for progress or improvement.
“Happiness is a choice.” While there is truth to the importance of mindset, this cliché oversimplifies the complexity of emotions and personal circumstances. It can dismiss genuine struggles or difficulties that people may be facing.
These thought-stopping clichés serve as shortcuts to avoid deeper examination or critical thinking. While they may provide temporary comfort or ease, it is important to recognize when they limit our understanding or hinder progress.
In religious contexts, these thought-stopping clichés aim to reinforce faith, trust, and submission to religious authority. They discourage critical examination of religious teachings or experiences, promote reliance on supernatural explanations, and discourage personal responsibility or problem-solving. By repeating these phrases, religious groups can maintain a sense of control over their members’ beliefs and actions.
Here are some religious thought stopping clichés that I have personally been told:
“Just have faith.” This thought stoppingcliché is often used to discourage questioning or doubt within religious or high control groups. When members encounter challenging or conflicting thoughts, they are encouraged to dismiss those concerns and rely solely on faith. The phrase implies that having faith is sufficient, and further examination or critical thinking is unnecessary. By using this cliche, high control groups seek to suppress individual doubts and maintain unwavering adherence to their beliefs.
“You just need more faith.” Ah, yes, the cure-all solution for any lingering doubts or uncertainties. When faced with logical inconsistencies or challenging concepts, just tell yourself that you’re lacking faith. Because obviously if you are not getting what you want it is because you don’t have enough faith. While, yes, faith is the substance of things hoped for, it is often used as the magical ingredient that can make any irrational belief seem perfectly reasonable.
By suggesting that a person’s struggles or doubts are solely due to a lack of faith, this phrase can dismiss their valid concerns and emotions. It undermines the complexity of their experiences and implies that their challenges would be resolved if they simply had stronger or unwavering faith.
“God works in mysterious ways.” It is often uttered to explain or justify events that seem inexplicable or contradictory within religious contexts. This thought-stopping cliché suggests that the workings of God are beyond human comprehension, discouraging further inquiry or critical examination.
By invoking this phrase, people may dismiss the need for understanding or questioning, relying instead on blind faith and acceptance. While it can provide comfort or a sense of surrender in the face of uncertainty, it also runs the risk of discouraging critical thinking. By emphasizing the mysteriousness of God’s plan, church leaders can cultivate a sense of dependency on their guidance. Congregants may be led to believe that only through the leaders’ interpretations and teachings can they hope to understand God’s mysterious ways, reinforcing their reliance on the church and its authority figures.
“God’s ways are higher than our ways.” This cliché is often used to dismiss or discourage questioning of religious doctrines or practices that may seem contradictory, unjust, or difficult to understand. It suggests that human understanding is limited compared to the divine, and therefore, it is inappropriate or futile to challenge or question God’s actions or teachings. By using this cliché, religious groups can reinforce the idea of divine authority and dissuade critical examination or intellectual curiosity. By asserting that God’s ways are beyond human comprehension, church leaders position themselves as the sole interpreters of God’s intentions and actions. This can create an environment where congregants are expected to unquestioningly follow their guidance, reinforcing the leaders’ authority and minimizing dissent.
“Let go, let God handle it.” This cliché is often employed to divert attention away from problem-solving or taking personal responsibility. Members are instructed to rely solely on trusting that a higher power will resolve their issues or concerns. It discourages people from actively seeking solutions or making informed decisions, instead promoting a passive approach where one relinquishes control to an external authority. While trusting God to handle situations is important, by using this cliche, high control groups can exert influence over their members’ decision-making processes and reinforce dependency on the group’s teachings.
“Leave it in God’s hands.” This cliche is similar to “let go and let God”, it’s often employed to discourage active problem-solving by urging congregants to rely solely on divine intervention. It implies that one should surrender their concerns or worries to God and trust that everything will be taken care of according to His plan. By using this cliche, religious groups can assert control over their members’ decision-making processes and dissuade them from taking independent action or seeking practical solutions outside of the church framework.
“Pray harder, and God will answer.” While prayer is an important part of faith, this phrase suggests that the outcome of prayers is directly related to the intensity or frequency of prayer. It can place undue pressure on individuals and oversimplify the complexity of divine intervention or personal circumstances. By suggesting that the level of a person’s prayers determines the response from God, this phrase places the responsibility solely on the person. It may imply that if their prayers are not answered, it is due to their insufficient efforts or lack of dedication, rather than considering other factors or external circumstances.
“God won’t give you more than you can handle.” While yes “I can do all things through Christ who give me strength” (Phil 4:13) This cliché is frequently invoked in times of hardship or suffering to provide comfort and reassurance. It suggests that any challenges or trials faced are within their capacity to endure, thanks to God’s support and strength. Life’s challenges are often multifaceted and can surpass an individual’s capacity to handle them alone. This phrase oversimplifies the complexities of human experiences by suggesting that people are always equipped to manage whatever comes their way, disregarding the importance of acknowledging limitations and seeking support.
By suggesting that people can handle everything on their own, this phrase can discourage them from seeking external help or support when needed. It may create a sense of self-reliance that hinders their ability to reach out for assistance or share their burdens with others.
This was a huge struggle I faced. I was afraid to ask for help due to not wanting to burden others since I should only need to rely on God’s support and strength. This phrase caused me to minimize the magnitude of the challenges I faced by implying that I had the inherent strength and capacity to overcome anything that came my way. It invalidated my feelings of being overwhelmed and struggling with what I was going through.
“God is good ALL the time, ALL the time God is good.” While the phrase “God is good all the time, all the time God is good” is often used in a positive and uplifting context, it can also be used in a way that silences or dismisses legitimate concerns or challenges. In some cases, people may use this cliché to avoid engaging in difficult conversations or to invalidate the struggles and pain of others.
When someone is going through difficult times or expressing their doubts, fears, or concerns, responding with this cliché without genuinely addressing their feelings can be perceived as dismissive and unhelpful. It may prevent open and honest communication and hinder the opportunity for understanding and empathy. Yes God is good, but hurt and struggles still happen despite His goodness!
“It’s all part of God’s plan.” This cliché is often employed when faced with unexpected or negative events, aiming to provide a sense of acceptance and resignation. It suggests that everything that occurs, regardless of how it may appear, is ultimately part of a greater divine plan. By using this cliche, religious groups can discourage members from questioning or exploring alternative explanations for their experiences, reinforcing the belief that everything happens for a specific purpose ordained by God and there is nothing that can be done about it.
“Don’t question God’s will.” This cliché is often used to discourage people from seeking understanding or finding meaning in challenging or tragic situations. It can imply that any attempt to explore or question God’s actions or purposes is inherently wrong or disrespectful. It can be employed to suppress questioning, doubt, or examination of one’s faith or religious teachings. It implies that any attempt to explore or challenge God’s will is wrong or disrespectful, discouraging members from engaging in deeper thinking.
For example, Moses, Gideon, Job, Habakkuk, Sarah, Zechariah, Abraham, Jonah, Thomas, Martha, Elijah, and Asaph, I could go on, all questioned God. Seeking greater understanding and clarification is not wrong.
The phrase can reinforce the authority of religious leaders or institutions by positioning them as the sole interpreters of God’s will. It can discourage congregants from critically examining the actions or teachings of those in positions of authority, promoting obedience and compliance rather than encouraging open dialogue or constructive discussion.
By asserting that questioning God’s will is off-limits, this phrase can be used to silence dissent or dismiss alternative perspectives. It can create an environment where individuals are discouraged from expressing their thoughts, concerns, or disagreements, encouraging a culture of blind conformity.
“God said it, I believe it, that settles it.” This cliché is often used to emphasize unwavering belief in the authority of religious texts or teachings. It can discourage deeper examination or questioning of religious doctrines by implying that blind acceptance is the only valid response. It can be used to silence dissenting viewpoints or alternative interpretations. It can create an environment where dialogue and respectful discussion are discouraged, inhibiting exploration of different perspectives.
The phrase suggests that once God’s word is accepted, there is no room for personal interpretation or critical thinking. It may discourage people from exercising their own discernment and using their God-given intellect to workout complex issues or challenges.
By adhering strictly to the belief that their interpretation of God’s word settles all matters, this phrase can reinforce the authority of religious leaders or institutions. It can discourage members from questioning or challenging the teachings of those in positions of authority, maintaining a culture of blind obedience rather than encouraging independent thought.
“Only God can judge.” This cliché is used to deflect or avoid discussions about moral or ethical issues, implying that human judgments are invalid or irrelevant. While it can promote humility, it can also discourage critical thinking or responsible decision-making.
The phrase can reinforce the authority and power of religious leaders or institutions by positioning them as the intermediaries between God and man. It can discourage individuals from questioning or challenging the actions or teachings of those in positions of authority, reinforcing a hierarchy and inhibiting independent thought.
By using this phrase, some may use it as a shield to avoid self-reflection, personal growth, or making necessary changes. It can discourage people from seeking personal development or striving to become better versions of themselves by relying solely on the idea that God will be the ultimate judge.
“Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding.” I know, I know, this one is a direct quote from the Bible, but hear me out! The Bible itself can be used as a thought stopping cliché used by some to manipulate.
The phrase “Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding” is a biblical verse found in Proverbs 3:5. It can be used as a reminder to rely on God’s wisdom and guidance rather than solely depending on our limited human understanding. However, it is important to approach this verse with discernment and understand its context to avoid potential misinterpretation or manipulation.
The verse encourages individuals to trust in the Lord, recognizing that God’s understanding surpasses our own. It reminds us to have faith in God’s plan, even when things may seem unclear or challenging. While leaning on God’s understanding is important, it doesn’t mean that we should disregard our own intellect or critical thinking. The verse shouldn’t be used to discourage personal growth, education, or the pursuit of knowledge. Rather, it reminds us to acknowledge our limitations and humbly seek God’s guidance.
The verse doesn’t promote blind acceptance or discourage critical thinking. It invites individuals to integrate faith with a thoughtful and discerning approach to life’s challenges. It encourages us to seek God’s wisdom while engaging our minds in seeking understanding and making informed decisions.
It is important to interpret this verse, and others, within the broader teachings of the Bible and apply it in a way that encourages a balanced perspective. Trusting in the Lord doesn’t mean abandoning reason or personal responsibility; it invites us to embrace both our faith and our capacity for rational thought as we navigate life’s complexities.
How should these thought stopping clichés be responded to?
When confronted with thought stopping clichés, whether religious or non-religious or in your own mind, it can be helpful to respond in a kind, thoughtful, and respectful manner. Here are some approaches you can consider:
Ask for further explanation or elaboration on the cliché to better understand the perspective being expressed. This can lead to a more meaningful conversation and create an opportunity for deeper reflection.
Share your thoughts and beliefs in a respectful and calm manner. Explain that you value critical thinking and open dialogue, and that you are open to exploring different viewpoints. This can foster an environment of mutual understanding and encourage a more meaningful exchange of ideas.
Encourage critical thinking by asking thought-provoking questions that challenge the assumptions or implications of the cliché. This can help stimulate deeper reflection and encourage yourself and others to consider alternative perspectives.
Offer examples from your own life or the experiences of others to illustrate how critical thinking has yielded positive outcomes. This can help demonstrate the value of embracing a more nuanced perspective and open-mindedness.
Look for shared values or principles that both parties can agree upon, focusing on areas of agreement rather than differences. This can help create a foundation for respectful and constructive dialogue.
Keep in mind the goal is not to argue or persuade others to adopt your viewpoint, but rather to be understanding, encourage critical thinking, and promote open-mindedness. By approaching thought stopping clichés with respect, you can contribute to a more enriching and meaningful conversation.
Abstract/TL;DR:Shame, whether in religious or non-religious contexts, can deeply harm individuals. It is used as a tool of control, punishment, and conformity. It can be seen in personal relationships, workplaces, social circles, and online communities. Breaking free from shame requires questioning ingrained beliefs, encouraging empathy, and creating supportive environments. By challenging the weaponization of shame, we can create a more compassionate society where people thrive.
*Please see disclaimer below
Content Warning: I may not cover all of these things in detail, you might feel triggered by the content of this post. CW: religious trauma, spiritual abuse, physical abuse, SA, guilt and shame, emotional manipulation, church discipline, loss of community, and fear of rejection
Shame is a complex emotion that can sneak into our lives in various ways, and dealing with it can be quite a challenge. It’s like when we mess up at work or in our personal relationships, and that feeling of failure starts gnawing at us. Even comparing ourselves to society’s beauty standards can trigger body shame, making us feel less than. Financial struggles or unemployment can bring on shame too, as we wonder why we can’t seem to get it together like others. (For instance, even though I find immense joy and satisfaction in being a stay-at-home mom and taking grad school classes, whenever someone inquires about my job, I can’t help but feel a pang of shame and an urge to justify why I am not currently employed.)
Those past mistakes we can’t shake off, they haunt us too. We beat ourselves up over things we did wrong, and the guilt weighs heavily in our minds and on our hearts. Sometimes, we might even feel ashamed of our family background or cultural differences, as if we don’t fit in. And the whole topic of sexuality and relationships can be a minefield of shame, with society’s judgmental eyes on us.
Mental health issues add another layer of complexity. Society’s stigma can make us feel ashamed for struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other challenges. It’s like we’re expected to hide our struggles and put on a brave face, acting like we have it all together at all times, which only makes things worse.
Even in simple social situations, we might feel awkward or different from others, and that can lead to a sense of shame and isolation.
But the truth is, we’re not alone in feeling this way. Shame is something we all encounter at some point in life. We’re all human, and we all have flaws. Finding healthy ways to cope with shame is important. We deserve to accept ourselves and let go of that unnecessary shame that holds us back.
Coping with shame, whether it originates from ourselves or is inflicted by others, can be incredibly challenging. In particular, I’d like to focus on the difficulties associated with dealing with shame that is weaponized by others. They may use hurtful words, judgmental attitudes, or social exclusion to make us feel inadequate and unworthy. This deliberate tactic can deeply impact our self-esteem and emotional well-being. When shame is weaponized, it can undermine our confidence and create a sense of powerlessness. It’s important to recognize this manipulative behavior and set boundaries to protect ourselves.
Weaponized shame can occur in both religious and non-religious contexts, and its impact can be deeply detrimental to an individuals’ well-being. In religious settings, shame may be misused as a means of control, punishment, or enforcing conformity. Strict rules and expectations can create a culture where people feel constant pressure to meet unattainable standards, leading to intense feelings of guilt, unworthiness, and fear of divine punishment. Using public humiliation or exclusion as a means to enforce conformity can compelling people to suppress their true beliefs.
My focus will be on weaponized shame within a religious context, although it’s important to note that this concept is not limited solely to religious settings.It can also be observed in personal relationships, workplaces, social circles, and online communities. Emotional manipulation tactics can involve constant criticism, ridicule, or demeaning behavior, leaving one feeling inadequate, submissive, and fearful. In workplaces, shame can be wielded through public humiliation, belittlement, or scapegoating, creating a toxic environment that undermines employees’ confidence, motivation, and overall well-being and enjoyment. Within social circles, shame may be used to exclude or gossip about individuals based on their appearance, interests, or lifestyle choices, creating feelings of isolation and self-doubt. In the digital realm, cyberbullying and online shaming inflict shame on people publicly, leading to severe emotional distress and social withdrawal.
Weaponized shame in religions is a topic that resonates with me. It refers to the misuse of shame as a form of control or punishment within religious contexts. Shame, as a powerful emotion, can have both positive and negative effects on people. In healthy religious environments, it can be used constructively to encourage personal growth and uphold moral values. However, when shame is intentionally weaponized, it can have severe consequences on mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
I have experienced the weight of weaponized shame firsthand. It’s discouraging to witness shame being used as a means of control and punishment. The pressure to conform to rigid religious standards can be suffocating, leaving little room for personal growth. Instead of encouraging a sense of belonging and acceptance, this kind of shame creates a culture of fear, where one’s worthiness is constantly questioned.It often stems from the imposition of rigid rules and standards that are nearly impossible to meet. When I failed to adhere to these expectations, I was flooded with intense feelings of shame and guilt. The fear of divine punishment and the belief that I am inherently flawed was overwhelming, leading in my case to anxiety. (you can read more about that by clicking HERE)
The constant internal battle between who I am and who I was expected to be took a toll on my mental and emotional health. It became a struggle to find my own identity and voice within the constraints of imposed shame. The demoralizing sight of church leaders saying one thing and acting in a different way, while simultaneously attempting to shame congregants, only intensified my frustration. The constant fear of judgment and rejection from my religious community created a sense of anticipatory shame. Yet contradiction between the preached ideals and the hypocrisy of those in positions of authority eroded my faith and trust.
Instead of creating a loving and compassionate connection with the divine, teachings that use shame as a tool can create a distorted perception of a punishing higher power. The belief that you are inherently flawed and deserving of punishment tarnishes the understanding of spirituality and hinders the development of a genuine and meaningful relationship with God.
Another aspect of weaponized shame is the use of public humiliation or exclusion to enforce conformity. This culture of fear instills a constant need to conform, suppressing true beliefs and identity out of the fear of shame and rejection. It becomes a tricky balance between being authentic and adhering to the expectations set by the community. I have witnessed individuals being publicly shamed or ostracized within the religious community for deviating from group norms and teachings. For instance, women being publicly shamed in front of the church for becoming pregnant without being married, even though there is no male partner present to share the shame. (While I have very strong feelings about the public shaming of unmarried pregnant women, I will not get into the discussion of that today.)
Church discipline, as mentioned in the Bible (Matthew 18:15-17), addresses unrepentant, serious sin within the Christian community. The focus is on restoration and reconciliation rather than shame or punishment. It seeks to guide individuals towards recognizing their actions, seeking repentance, and encourage healing and grace within the community.
Women are often shamed and preached to about the importance of dressing modestly, while simultaneously being chastised for causing men to stumble due to their mere physical presence. Ironically, the men who criticize them are often not prioritizing modesty in the way they are living their own lives. It is important to note that modesty encompasses much more than just a woman’s choice of clothing. Living a life of modesty involves embracing simplicity, humility, and contentment, valuing inner qualities over material possessions, and showing respect and consideration for others in all aspects of one’s actions and interactions. (Might I also point out Matthew 5:29: “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”)
I am not condoning or encouraging wrong behavior, but using shame as a way of control or punishment is harmful and damaging to one’s well-being and sense of self-worth. It can lead to long-lasting emotional scars and prevent open and honest communication, hindering personal growth. Using shame as a tool of control or punishment can have negative effects on both the individuals subjected to it and the group employing it. It can lead to a lack of trust and division within the group, while hindering compassion and empathy. Additionally, the group might struggle to have genuine connections among its members due to fear of shame being used against them.
It is important to acknowledge that not all religious communities engage in weaponized shame. Some emphasize compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance. Sharing experiences and challenging the harmful effects of weaponized shame can contribute to the creation of religious spaces that uplift and inspire people, nurturing their spiritual well-being. However, when shame is used as a tool of control and manipulation, it has severe negative consequences.
The Holy Spirit serves as a guiding presence in our lives, functioning as our conscience. It is through the Holy Spirit that we receive conviction and guidance regarding our thoughts, actions, and decisions. While shame can be a powerful emotion, it is important to discern whether it stems from the Holy Spirit’s gentle conviction or from manipulative tactics of the church or others. If we do not feel genuine shame from the Holy Spirit, we should not allow the church leaders or religious institutions or others to manipulate us into feeling shame. Instead, we should seek a deeper understanding of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness, and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us in righteousness, free from undue manipulation or spiritual harm.
Romans 8:1-2 “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”
This verse emphasizes that as believers in Christ, we are set free from condemnation. The Holy Spirit guides us into a life-giving relationship with Jesus, freeing us from the power of sin and any false shame associated with it.
Galatians 5:1 “So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.”
This verse encourages believers to embrace the freedom found in Christ and to guard against being burdened by legalistic rules and regulations. It reminds us that true freedom in Christ includes freedom from manipulative spiritual practices or unnecessary shame. The entire book of Galatians speaks about grace and freedom from shame and legalism.
1 John 2:27 “But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what he teaches is true—it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ.”
This verse reminds us that as believers, we have received the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. The Holy Spirit teaches us what is true, and we can rely on the Spirit’s guidance without needing others to manipulate or shame us spiritually.
There are several more Bible verses that speak to the issue of shame and the importance of finding healing and freedom from it. Here are a few examples:
Psalm 25:3: “No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.”
Psalm 34:4-5: “”I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.”
Isaiah 61:7: “Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”
Romans 9:33: “For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord. ‘Instead, I will bless you.'”
Romans 10:11 – “As the Scriptures tell us, ‘Anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.'”
2 Corinthians 5:17: “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”
1 Peter 2:6: “As the Scriptures say, ‘I am placing a cornerstone in Jerusalem, chosen for great honor, and anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.'”
1 Peter 4:16: “But it is no shame to suffer for being a Christian. Praise God for the privilege of being called by his name!”
By acknowledging the harmful impact of weaponized shame and striving to create supportive environments, we can contribute to a more compassionate and inclusive society. In such a setting, individuals can thrive and grow without the burden of shame holding them back.
Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.
Want more information about weaponized shame? Here are some references:
Shame Resilience Theory by Brené Brown: This theory explains how shame can be managed and overcome. Brown argues that shame resilience is essential for living a healthy and fulfilling life. https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/shame-resilience-theory/
Using Shame as a Weapon: Does it Work? by Tim Hill “The risk in using shame as a weapon is not that it won’t work, but that it will. Shame suppresses, contracts, limits and weakens the person who is shamed.”http://timhillpsychotherapy.com/shame-as-a-weapon/
You might have noticed that I’ve been adding disclaimers to many of my recent posts. Maybe you’re wondering why I’m doing this? Well, let me explain…
The simple explanation: as I write my posts, I often feel the need to include disclaimers. I believe this stems from my upbringing in a culture that heavily emphasizes black and white thinking. So, whenever I express my opinions or share my experiences, I can’t help but feel the pressure to add disclaimers, fearing that my words might be misunderstood or judged harshly.
The longer explanation: In the past, I used to try and soften my statements or preface them with caveats, hoping to avoid coming across as too assertive or confrontational. It was a way for me to protect myself from potential criticism or backlash, but it also made me hesitant about expressing my true thoughts and feelings.
Having been in an environment where individuality and diverse perspectives were not openly encouraged also played a significant role. I often felt that having a differing opinion automatically meant I was wrong, rather than something to be discussed or explored. I had internalized the belief that my opinions and experiences need positive validation or justification from others in the group.
However, as I have gained more self-awareness, I’m starting to understand how this pattern impacted my communication style. I have realized that constantly seeking validation has limited my ability to express myself authentically. While it is nice to be validated, it’s essential for me to strike a balance between respecting others’ viewpoints and staying true to my own.
I also believe the use of disclaimers can be a valuable communication tool. They help enhance clarity in my messages, ensuring that my intentions are properly understood by others. By providing context and setting the stage for my thoughts and ideas, disclaimers enable readers to interpret my words in the intended light.
Moreover, adding disclaimers allows me to encourage respectful discussions and welcome diverse perspectives. I hope that it shows that I am open to different viewpoints and willing to engage in constructive conversations. I want to create a place for sharing ideas without fear of judgment or criticism.
Transparency is another aspect that disclaimers offer. By acknowledging any biases or limitations in my understanding, I am trying to build trust and credibility with you, my audience. Disclaimers demonstrate a sense of responsibility in my communication. They show that I am mindful of the potential impact my words may have on others and that I take responsibility for the content I share.
So while this post is basically a disclaimer of in itself, here is a disclaimer for this post:
Disclaimer:As I share my thoughts and opinions, I want to acknowledge that I am constantly growing and learning. My views may evolve over time, and I aim to approach discussions with an open mind and a compassionate attitude towards others. I believe in creating a respectful and understanding environment where diverse perspectives are welcome. Therefore, the ideas expressed here reflect my current understanding, but I am open to gaining new insights and embracing positive change. Though I may not necessarily agree with the opinions of others, I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own perspective. I don’t want my words to hurt anyone even if we have differing opinions and views.
Want a little more insight as to why I feel like I need to add disclaimers? Read more about my choice to find a more gracious and loving spiritual environment by clicking HERE
This post will tell you a bit more about how going to church each week gave me anxiety, click HERE to read more.
Maybe you are interested in learning more about the environment where individuality and diverse perspectives were discouraged, click HERE
Looking Joli Good 