“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule is often one of the first things we are taught as children. Unfortunately, many people tend to instead live by the Leaden Rule, which is quite the opposite of that rule: “Do unto others what you most fear having done unto you.” It’s an interesting concept, and it’s something we might do unconsciously, especially when we’re feeling insecure or threatened. The Leaden Rule can be a bit of a double-edged sword. It can lead to conflict, breed resentment, and leave us feeling isolated. What’s worse, it can keep us from forming those deep, meaningful connections we all need and want.

Several years ago, I discovered the Enneagram through my younger sister. It was an intriguing introduction to a personality framework that offers deep insights into the human psyche. The Enneagram goes beyond categorizing personalities; it provides a tool for introspection, self-growth, and development. Over time, I’ve found it invaluable in understanding my own motivations and behaviors, and in cultivating a journey of intentional growth and self-awareness. By examining the deeper patterns that drive my actions, I’ve been able to develop greater emotional intelligence and make more conscious choices about how I interact with myself and others.

The Leaden Rule is an interesting concept I encountered while exploring the Enneagram, introduced by Don Riso and Russ Hudson in The Wisdom of the Enneagram. This rule—“Do unto others what you most fear having done unto you”—exposes a darker side of human nature. When fear takes hold, it can lead to a cascade of negative thoughts and assumptions about others. For instance, if we fear rejection, we may assume that nobody genuinely likes us. If we fear betrayal, we might become suspicious of the people we care about most. This tendency to think the worst of people stems from a self-protective mechanism—we’re trying to shield ourselves from potential harm or disappointment. The Leaden Rule starkly contrasts with the Golden Rule, urging us to treat others as we want to be treated. It highlights how, driven by fears and insecurities, individuals may act out against others in ways they themselves dread, creating toxic interactions and reinforcing a cycle of negativity [2].

The roots of the Leaden Rule often lie in childhood experiences and attachment styles, where core fears and desires are formed. Each Enneagram type manifests this rule differently, reflecting their unique struggles. For example, a person driven by a fear of rejection might preemptively push others away, while someone who fears vulnerability may dominate conversations to avoid feeling exposed. Such behaviors can lead to damaged relationships and hinder personal well-being, perpetuating a self-fulfilling prophecy [2].

Recognizing and overcoming these tendencies requires self-awareness and empathy. Instead of implementing the Leaden or Golden Rule, another option is the Platinum Rule—treating others as they want to be treated—offers an alternative path. By understanding and addressing core fears, individuals can develop healthier interactions and relationships. This shift not only reduces harmful behaviors but also encourages personal growth, aligning actions with values of compassion and understanding.

My own journey of growth has been shaped by insights like these. In stepping away from the constraining Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) mindset, I began to embrace a broader perspective on life and relationships. I’ve learned to focus on what I can control—my reactions—even when my inner self feels “spicy.” It’s a continual practice of introspection and intentionality, guided by principles like those found in the Enneagram.

The relevance of the Leaden Rule extends beyond personal interactions, influencing societal dynamics as well. For instance, the fears surrounding political leadership, such as the return of Donald Trump to the presidency, can trigger Leaden Rule behaviors on a collective level. Polarization, erosion of democratic norms, misinformation, and social division are examples of how these fears might manifest[5][6]. Although some members of MAGA might seem intimidating, it’s important to recognize that they, like many others, may be operating under the Leaden Rule due to past hurts and fears. Their actions, while potentially concerning, often stem from a place of vulnerability and a desire for protection rather than malice[2]. Addressing such tendencies requires empathy, dialogue, and a commitment to democratic principles, creating unity even amidst uncertainty. By understanding the underlying fears and insecurities driving these behaviors, we can work towards bridging divides and promoting mutual understanding in our society[1, 2,7].

My exploration of the Enneagram and its teachings has not only enriched my understanding of human behavior but has also been a catalyst for self-improvement. Concepts like the Leaden Rule challenge me to confront my fears and break cycles of negative behavior, striving instead to act with empathy and authenticity. This journey of growth has been transformative, empowering me to navigate life with greater clarity and resilience.

I think the key is to be aware of the Leaden Rule and not let it take over. When I am feeling vulnerable, I’ve been trying to take a moment to ask myself if I’m projecting my own fears onto others. Instead, I’ve been trying to put the Golden Rule into action and treat others the way I’d like to be treated – with respect, kindness, empathy, and genuine understanding. By approaching each interaction as an opportunity to demonstrate compassion, I’ve found that people respond more positively, relationships become more meaningful, and I feel a deeper sense of personal integrity and connection. It’s nice to expect the best intentions from people instead of constantly being on guard and suspecting the worst. This shift in mindset has made my daily interactions much more pleasant and less stressful.

If you are interested in learning more about the enneagram and finding out what your enneagram type is, you can check out this free test by clicking HERE or visiting https://www.truity.com/

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

Reference:
Riso, D. R., & Hudson, R. (1999). The wisdom of the enneagram: The complete guide to psychological and spiritual growth for the nine personality types. New York, NY: Bantam

Citations:
[1] https://www.123helpme.com/essay/Philosophy-Are-Humans-Born-to-be-Good-282810
[2] https://www.kirtanleader.com/blog/enneagram-which-way
[3] https://www.gutenberg.org/files/10739/10739-h/10739-h.htm [
4] https://www.aliciakennedy.news/p/the-many-voices-of-one-writer
[5] https://carnegieendowment.org/research/2022/01/what-happens-when-democracies-become-perniciously-polarized
[6] https://www.icip.cat/perlapau/en/article/polarization-harms-democracy-and-society/
[7] https://www.facinghistory.org/resource-library/political-polarization-united-states