Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them second chances, I’m thankful for the second chances I have been given, but if someone consistently displays negative traits or hurts us with their actions, we shouldn’t ignore the signs or make excuses for them. Trusting their true nature can save us from unnecessary pain and help us make healthier choices in our relationships.
I have had many personal experiences where I have learned the hard way about the importance of this quote. Let me share one in particular. Initially, the person I spent time with seemed genuinely nice and friendly, however, as time passed, they continuously asked more and more from me. They made requests I didn’t want to fulfill, and it seemed like they didn’t truly value my time or our friendship; it felt as though I was more of an unpaid employee than a friend. Despite their actions, I kept giving them second chances, hoping that things would eventually improve. They did not.
Sometimes, they showed kindness and thoughtfulness, which added to the confusion. But deep down, my intuition told me something was off. Clear signs of their true nature were evident, yet I brushed them aside, believing I could handle their behaviors. While they weren’t a bad person, our priorities significantly differed. I began to feel overwhelmed whenever I knew I’d be interacting with them.
Then, something happened that was the last straw. The constant drip, drip, drip of disappointments and hurtful actions reached its peak. It was as if all the warning signs were shouting at me, urging me to believe what I had seen from the beginning. I finally realized that Maya Angelou was right all along. I had seen who they really were from the beginning, but I chose not to believe it. I kept holding onto the hope that things would change, but it wasn’t meant to be.
I must acknowledge that I wasn’t blameless in this situation. Dealing with an overwhelming amount of difficult life circumstances at the time, I’m certain I didn’t handle everything in the best way possible. My own struggles and emotions influenced how I reacted to the events around me. While it doesn’t excuse the hurtful behavior I experienced, it’s essential for me to take responsibility for my part in the dynamics of that relationship. Recognizing my own flaws and learning from those experiences has been an important step in my personal growth and in navigating healthier connections in the future.
After that experience, I learned to trust my gut and pay attention to people’s actions. I don’t rush to judge anyone, but I’ve become more cautious about who I let into my life. If someone consistently shows me that they can’t be trusted or that they don’t value our relationship, I take it seriously.
This quote from Maya Angelou serves as a reminder to respect ourselves and our feelings. It’s okay to let go of toxic relationships, even if it hurts at first. We deserve to be surrounded by people who truly care about us and show it through their actions. So, now I try my best to believe people when they show me who they are, without ignoring the warning signs. It’s a lesson I won’t forget, and it has helped me grow and find more meaningful connections in my life.
After that experience, I realized the importance of setting boundaries in my relationships. It was an important lesson I learned, and it changed the way I approached my connections with others. Setting boundaries means knowing and communicating what’s acceptable and what’s not in our relationships, and it’s essential for maintaining our well-being and self-respect.
Sometimes we end up letting ourselves get hurt and upset because we care deeply about not hurting or upsetting others. We want to be kind and avoid conflicts, so we end up putting our feelings aside. Possibly we don’t want to rock the boat and keep everything smooth and peaceful. But the thing is, holding back our emotions can take a toll on us, and we might end up feeling neglected or unimportant. Finding the courage to express how we feel without being confrontational is important for our well-being. We need to remember that our feelings matter too, and it’s okay to let others know what’s going on with us. Striking that balance between being considerate of others and taking care of ourselves is worth undertaking for healthier relationships and our own happiness.
A book that has been instrumental in helping me set healthy boundaries is incidentally called “Boundaries” written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr Townsend. Reading this book was absolutely an eye-opener for me. Their insights and practical advice really resonated with my own experiences, and it helped me see the importance of defining healthy limits in all aspects of my life.
The book highlights the significance of recognizing our personal limits and how it’s okay to say “no” when something doesn’t align with our values or makes us uncomfortable. It gave me the courage to put myself and my family first and prioritize my well-being without feeling guilty about it.
Learning about setting boundaries also allowed me to understand that it’s not only about protecting myself from harmful relationships but also about adopting healthier and more meaningful connections. By setting clear boundaries, I found that I could build trust and respect with the people who truly valued and understood my needs.
This book offered practical tips on how to communicate boundaries effectively and how to handle situations when others might push back. It taught me that it’s okay to stand firm in my boundaries, even if it means walking away from toxic relationships.
Combining the wisdom from Maya Angelou’s quote, the lessons from “Boundaries,” and my own personal life experiences, I started to approach my relationships with a more confident and self-aware mindset. I’ve become better at recognizing when someone’s actions don’t align with their words, and I’m more assertive in communicating my boundaries.
Setting boundaries is not about attempting to control another person’s actions. Instead, it’s about making a conscious choice regarding what I am willing to accept concerning those actions. By establishing clear boundaries, I define the limits of what is acceptable and what is not in our relationship. It’s a way of prioritizing my own well-being and self-respect without seeking to impose my will on others. Boundaries enable me to communicate my needs and values, encouraging healthier connections and mutual understanding.
“The people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.” This quote emphasizes that when we establish boundaries in our relationships, especially with people who were used to taking advantage of our lack of boundaries, they might react negatively or feel upset about the change. Setting boundaries can disrupt the dynamics that allowed them to benefit from our lack of limits, and they may not be comfortable with this shift. However, despite their reaction, it’s important to prioritize your well-being and maintain healthy boundaries for ourselves.
Setting boundaries has not only improved my relationships but has also helped me grow personally. It’s empowering to know that I have control over who I let into my life and how I let them treat me. I’m grateful for the lessons learned and for the tools I gained from the book Boundaries, as they’ve been instrumental in creating healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.
Disclaimer: I am still a work in progress. As I navigate through life, I acknowledge that I have areas to improve, particularly when it comes to setting boundaries and trusting my instincts. I recognize that I am not perfect, and the people I interact with and build relationships with are also on their own journeys of growth and progress. As we all continue to learn and evolve, I am committed to being more self-aware and open to understanding my own limitations and flaws. My aim is to grow healthy connections, while also allowing room for understanding and compassion for both myself and others, as we each strive to become the best versions of ourselves.
Abstract/TL;DR:Bragging refers to the act of constantly boasting about one’s achievements, skills, or abilities. It can leave others feeling inadequate and frustrated. Sharing out of genuine happiness is preferable to seeking validation through false humility and bragging. Excessive bragging often stems from insecurity, low self-esteem, or a constant need for validation. It can be a defense mechanism or a result of a competitive nature. Dealing with bragging requires focusing on personal growth, self-confidence, and not allowing it to define one’s worth.
We’ve all encountered them: braggers! As soon as you read the title of this post, someone likely popped into your mind. It’s challenging to genuinely celebrate someone’s joy when they incessantly brag. Authentic happiness is far more appealing than fishing for compliments through feigned humility.
Being belittled by a bragger is an experience that can leave one feeling inadequate and frustrated. I’ve encountered my fair share of individuals who seem to take great pleasure in constantly boasting about their achievements, skills, “blessings,” and abilities. They always seem to find a way to make every conversation about them and their superior life. It’s as if they have an insatiable need to prove that they are better than everyone else.
It can be incredibly disheartening to be on the receiving end of relentless bragging. Their words seem to be meant to chip away at others’ self-confidence, trying to make everyone around them question their own abilities and accomplishments. Every time they showcase their successes, it feels like a direct challenge to my worth and capabilities. They thrive on comparison and revel in the feeling of superiority that comes from making others feel small.
What makes the situation even more frustrating is that these braggarts often lack the ability to see beyond their own self-centered perspective. They fail to consider that their achievements might not be the sole measure of someone’s worth or that there could be different areas where others excel. It’s a narrow-mindedness that perpetuates their need to constantly one-up those around them.
In response, I find myself torn between two conflicting emotions. On one hand, I feel a burning desire to prove them wrong, to demonstrate that I am just as capable, if not more so, in certain areas. I want to challenge their assumptions and show them that their self-proclaimed superiority is not as absolute as they believe.
On the other hand, I also recognize the futility of engaging in a never-ending competition with such individuals. Their need to constantly be on top is insatiable, and no matter what I do, they will find a way to overshadow my accomplishments. It’s like playing a game that has no winning condition, and I realize that my self-worth should not be determined by their validation or lack thereof.
In the face of such belittlement, I try to remind myself of my own strengths and accomplishments. I focus on cultivating self-confidence and finding satisfaction in my own progress, rather than seeking external validation. I refuse to allow their bragging to define my worth or make me question my abilities. I use their bragging as a reminder to look for an opportunity to be an encouragement to those around me, to make others feel validated and important.
Excessive bragging often stems from underlying insecurities, low self-esteem, or a constant need for validation. Individuals who engage in constant bragging may use it as a defense mechanism to mask their deep-rooted fears of inadequacy. They may struggle to empathize with others, focusing solely on promoting their own achievements. Furthermore, a competitive nature and the belief that life is a constant competition can also contribute to the compulsion to brag. Addressing this behavior requires self-reflection, developing genuine self-confidence, and learning to appreciate others’ accomplishments without feeling threatened.
At the end of the day, being belittled by a bragger is an unfortunate part of life. It’s an encounter with individuals who find joy in tearing others down to elevate themselves. But by staying true to my own values, focusing on personal growth, and not succumbing to their need for comparison, even though it is not easy I can rise above their attempts to diminish me. I need to remind myself that my worth is not determined by their words and that I am capable of achieving great things on my own whether I brag about them or not.
Just a few quoted wise words about bragging:
“The most beautiful women I have known had one thing in common apart from beauty: humility. It’s a shame that those with less to boast about do it the most.” ― Donna Lynn Hope
“A good deed is not a good deed if you brag about it” ― Jeffrey Bernardo Copiaco
“If roses could talk, they would not boast of their beauty, because they know that they have always been beautiful.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson, Song of a Nature Lover
“A session of boasting won’t attract any real friends. It will set you up on a pedestal, however, making you a clearer target.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich
“When you flaunt your success, you’re setting yourself up for ridicule. Things can always go wrong. Your career stalls, fancy cars get repossessed, you lose your home. Unfortunate events magnified by your shameless boasting. Nothing in life is foolproof. The only thing bragging will accomplish is prove you’re the fool.” ― Carlos Wallace
“Some of the people who are showing off their speed are headed in the wrong direction.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Here are some “wise” words from the king of bragging himself Donald Trump “I know words. I have the best words.”
During a recent family gathering, we were discussing one of my favorite topics: food! I reminisced about a delicious casserole I remember enjoying when I was younger. My Mom chimed in, mentioning that the recipe for that dish was actually included in the cookbook published by my former church. I had completely forgotten about the cookbook! (I will include the recipe that I was talking about below)
A couple of days later, I found myself at my parents’ house, flipping through the pages of the cookbook. I have to admit that I was not ready for the mix of emotions that it brought. As I turned the pages, I couldn’t help but feel a rush of memories flooding back. The familiar names of people I had known during my time growing up there filled the pages, and it was a bittersweet reminder of the connections I once had.
The cookbook was compiled and printed during a time in my life that I have mostly only fond memories of my former church and the people who attended at the time. It was a time where youth, naivety, and genuine respect for the kind and authentic leadership kept me from seeing any flaws in the doctrines and teachings.
Seeing those names, some of which I hadn’t thought about in years, was like reconnecting with old friends. Each name represented a face, a story, and a shared experience within the church community. It was a poignant reminder that despite the challenges and complexities of that time, there were genuine relationships that once held significant meaning in my life. (I remember eating many of the items in the cookbook at get togethers, dinners at friends’ houses, and church potlucks.)
But along with the warmth of recognition came a tinge of sadness. Looking at those names also reminded me of the distance that had grown between us. Leaving the church had naturally led to a gradual fading of those connections. It was a reminder that life moves forward, and paths diverge as we each go on our own separate ways.
The cookbook itself is a tangible link to a past that I had both embraced and outgrown. It held recipes and memories, but it also held the echoes of doctrines and beliefs that no longer aligned with my perspective. It was a snapshot of a different time, a world I had inhabited with a mix of joy and uncertainty.
As I closed the cookbook, I felt a sense of closure and gratitude. It was a chapter of my life that had shaped me in profound ways, but it was also a chapter that I had the courage to close. The emotions that surfaced while perusing those pages were a testament to the complexity of human experience—the intertwining of nostalgia, growth, and the resilience to move forward.
While the cookbook held more than just recipes, it is a reminder that even in the midst of change, there’s a thread of continuity that weaves through our lives. The bittersweet blend of recognition and separation highlighted that life is marked by both letting go and holding onto what truly matters.
CHICKEN CASSEROLE
2 whole chicken breasts
1 pt. sour cream
soup can milk
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 (12-oz.) pkg. Pepperidge herb stuffing
Make stuffing as directed on package with 1 cup water and 1 stick of margarine. Cook chicken in water on stove with salt and pepper until tender. Debone meat; cut in large chunks. Place chicken in a 9 x 13-inch baking dish. Mix sour cream, soup and milk together until smooth. Pour over chicken. Top with stuffing. Bake at 350° for 1 hour.
TL;DR: When someone offers you a gift and you choose not to accept it, the gift remains with the giver. Similarly, when someone tries to bring you down with their negativity and you don’t allow it to affect you, their negativity remains theirs. By refusing to internalize their toxic energy, you retain control over your emotions and maintain your self-worth. Taking responsibility for our own behavior and creating a positive space is essential in dealing with destructive emotions like jealousy and fostering unity and trust.
I recently had a significant realization, a true lightbulb moment, and I’m excited to share it with you! It’s something I’ve learned that has made a profound impact on me: When someone gives you a gift and you choose not to accept it, the gift still belongs to the person who offered it. By declining the gift, you are indicating that you do not wish to possess or take ownership of it. Therefore, the gift remains the property of the giver unless they decide to offer it to someone else or take it back.
The same is true when someone tries to bring you down with their negativity and you don’t allow it to affect you, the impact and ownership of their negativity remain with them. By refusing to internalize their negative words or actions, you are essentially declining to accept their toxic energy. Just like the unaccepted gift, their negativity continues to belong to them. It doesn’t become a part of you or define your worth. Instead, they are left holding onto their own negativity, while you retain control over your own emotions and maintain a sense of self-worth independent of their attempts to bring you down.
Let me share an example from my own life as I understand the situation. In my former community, there was a woman who, driven by her own struggles with competitiveness, insecurities, and social awkwardness, viewed my friendly nature and ease in social situations, along with other things, as a threat. In response, she attempted to undermine my confidence and make me feel inadequate for possessing these positive qualities that came naturally to me.
While I was initially unaware of her feelings, unfortunately, her jealousy began to seep into her interactions with me and she also actively attempted to negatively alter others’ perception of me. This occurred during a particularly rough period of my life, reflecting on that challenging time, I must honestly admit that I didn’t respond with the maturity and kindness that I should have. I have to take ownership of my own shortcomings in this situation. However, as I look back, I realize that had I simply refused to internalize her attempts to make me feel bad about myself, she alone would have been left with the negativity she intended to impose on me.
Looking back with this new perspective, had I rejected their toxic energy, and maintained control over my emotions and preserve my sense of self-worth I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and frustration. This experience sheds light on the destructive nature of jealousy, revealing its ability to erode unity and trust among peers.It’s important for me to remember that I am not responsible for the negative actions of others. However, I recognize the need to take responsibility for my own behavior and contribute to establishing a positive space for myself and those around me.
Disclaimer: It is important to understand that hurt people often have a tendency to hurt others. While this statement provides some insight into certain behaviors, it does not excuse or justify any form of harm inflicted upon others. It serves as a reminder to approach individuals with compassion and empathy, recognizing that their actions may stem from their own unresolved pain and struggles. Nonetheless, it is crucial to prioritize the well-being and safety of oneself and others, promoting healing and fostering healthy relationships.
I started writing this post over four years ago… At the time I was upset and hurt by things happening in my personal life and in my church community. At the time I was conflicted by the discrepancy between church leaders preaching one thing and practicing another. I found myself frustrated and constantly asking Where is the Love?!
Because of various situations and circumstances in my life, I didn’t feel the freedom to honestly express my thoughts and feelings. As a result, this post remained in my drafts. Although this post doesn’t entirely resemble what I began writing four years ago, that is actually a positive change. Back then, my emotions were raw, and my perspective was clouded by the challenges and uncertainties I was facing. I remember the frustration and hurt that seeped into my words, driven by my pain and struggles. A lot has changed for me in the last few years and I no longer feel restricted or held back.
Growing up my church experience was largely shaped by my parents’ unwavering commitment to both God and the church community. Their genuine dedication and eagerness to serve meant that I was always right in the heart of everything that was happening within the church. From events to meetings and all the meaningful moments in between, I found myself on the “inside,” privy to the happenings and closely connected to the pulse of the church.
It wasn’t until a significant turn of events much later in my life that truly changed my perspective. Without going into too many details, there came a point when I found myself in a situation where I experienced a falling out with the wife of one of the church leaders. This shift marked a defining moment for me, as it was during this time that I suddenly understood what it felt like to be on the “outside” looking in.
The experience opened my eyes to a whole new side of church dynamics that I had never truly comprehended before. Suddenly, I began to sense the subtle divides and the complex relationships that often lie beneath the surface. I noticed that I was being shut out, information was being withheld as if I couldn’t be trusted, and I was purposefully being left out of discussions I had once been a part of. This newfound vantage point allowed me to grasp the nuances of how cliques can inadvertently form and how certain dynamics can shape the sense of belonging within a community.
While I found myself in a situation where my own place and standing had undergone a significant shift, what truly opened my eyes was realizing that others had been experiencing similar treatment and feelings all along.
There were people who, despite their dedication and commitment, had silently battled with a sense of not fully belonging. They had faced barriers to connection that were beyond their control, and this had been their reality for much longer than my own temporary experience. It was humbling to recognize that my brief stint on the outside had given me just a taste of what these people had been enduring for a long time.
In an unexpected way, this experience of being on the outside provided me with a valuable lesson in empathy and understanding. It taught me the importance of being inclusive and welcoming, making sure that others don’t feel left out or isolated. It was a reminder that even within the walls of a church, where we seek connection and unity, there’s still room to grow in how we relate to one another and ensure that everyone feels a sense of belonging.
This experience urged me to be an advocate for encouraging a more open and inclusive environment within the church community. It motivated me to stand up for those who may have felt their voices weren’t heard or their presence wasn’t fully acknowledged. The wisdom gained from this eye-opening revelation has become a guiding force in how I approach relationships and interactions, not only within the church but in all aspects of my life.
In conclusion, now I can look back and I’m thankful for this experience. Not only did it open my eyes to the way others might be feeling, but it also served as a catalyst to initiate my departure from the IFB.
Disclaimer:The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. I want to acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. However, I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
Abstract/TL:DR:Over time and with some distance from difficult situations, I’ve personally found that things do get easier. The weight of emotions lessens, and healing begins. Stepping away physically and emotionally gaining perspective plays a crucial role in finding relief and strength. While everyone’s situation is unique, the saying “it gets easier with time and distance” holds some truth. So, embrace the process, take it one step at a time, and know that healing and growth are possible.
I’ve found that as time passes and I put some distance between myself and difficult situations, things really do start to get easier. It’s like the weight of those emotions slowly lessens, and I begin to see things in a new light. When I was going through heartbreak or tough times, it felt like I’d never be able to move on or find peace. But with each passing day, the pain seemed to lose its sharpness, and I started to heal.
Sometimes, all it took was physically stepping away from a situation or person that was causing me distress. Getting some space allowed me to clear my head and gain a fresh perspective. And you know what? That made a world of difference. I realized that the intensity of my emotions had been clouding my judgment and hindering my ability to see a way out.
But it’s not just about physical distance; emotional distance plays a significant role too! As I gradually processed my feelings, I could begin to detach myself from the immediate emotional impact. It isn’t easy, and I have to be intentional about it, but I have learned to take a step back and gain a more objective outlook on things. And with time, that emotional distance allowed me to find healing and a sense of inner strength.There are still times where I struggle and fall back into old ways of feeling and thinking, but as time passes those times of recession occur less often.
While time and distance aid in healing wounds, they do not minimize the fact that their was hurt; they simply make it more manageable. Of course, everyone’s journey is different, and healing is a unique process for each person. But from my own experience, I can say that the saying “it gets easier with time and distance” does hold some truth. When I’m in the midst of a difficult situation, it’s sometimes hard to believe that things will ever improve. But looking back on my life, I can see how I’ve grown and overcome challenges, and that gives me hope for the future.
So, to anyone going through a tough time right now, I want to say that it may not feel like it at this moment, but eventually, you’ll find your way through. Take it one step at a time, and remember that healing and growth are possible. With time and a bit of distance, you might just surprise yourself with the strength and resilience you’ll discover that you have.
Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that it gets easier with time and distance, I want to emphasize that I am still growing and working on myself. I don’t have all the answers, but I am trying my best to learn and evolve. The sentiment I expressed about things becoming more manageable with time is based on my personal experiences up until now.I hope that in the future I can use what I have been learning to help me deal with tough situations in a mature and healthy way.
Abstract/TL;DR: Churches often prioritize extroverted qualities, but it’s important to recognize and value introverts’ strengths and needs for meaningful connections and solitary recharging. Balancing social activities with introspection creates an inclusive environment where both personality types (ambiverts too)feel valued and supported in their faith journey.
I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, churches, with their emphasis on social interactions, group activities and communal gatherings, often cater to the preferences of extroverted people. Extroverts tend to thrive in the vibrant and interactive atmosphere, finding comfort and energy in the company of others. They enjoy the lively worship services, engaging in discussions, and participating in various church events. Extroverts recharge their batteries by being in the company of others.
On the other hand, those who are introverted or less inclined towards social interactions might find themselves at a disadvantage in such church settings. Introverts often prefer solitary reflection and meaningful one-on-one conversations. The constant pressure to participate in large group settings and the expectation to be outgoing can be overwhelming and draining for them. Introverts recharge their batteries by spending time in solitude and engaging in introspective activities. Their batteries are drained by prolonged or intense social interactions and external stimuli, leading to a need for solitary downtime to recover.
Introverts might struggle to connect with others in such an extroverted environment, feeling like their voices and thoughts are overlooked amidst the fervor of group activities. As a result, they may find it challenging to build meaningful relationships within the church community.
In some cases, introverts might feel a sense of guilt or inadequacy for not being as socially active as their extroverted counterparts. This can lead to feelings of isolation and make them feel like they don’t fully belong or fit into the church culture.
While neither personality is inherently superior, there is often a perception that people who excel in group social gatherings are given more prominence in the church and are seen as more significant contributors to the “cause of Christ” compared to those who find value in quieter, personal connections.
The loud exuberance of the extroverted person is praised, while the quieter introvert is made to feel wrong for not enjoying the same level of social interaction. Society and churches often celebrate the outgoing and vivacious personalities, perceiving them as the “life of the party” and the ones who bring joy to any gathering. They are given positions in the spotlight and given positions of authority and their ability to effortlessly navigate social situations and engage with others is highly regarded and admired.
On the other hand, the introverted individual, who prefers moments of introspection and solitude, might be misunderstood or labeled as shy, aloof, or anti-social. They may feel pressured to conform to societal expectations of being more outgoing, as if their natural inclination to seek quiet reflection is somehow deficient or undesirable. The prevailing focus on extroverted qualities within the church community sometimes overshadowed the quieter contributions that introverted individuals could make.
This societal bias can be challenging for introverts, as it leaves them feeling like they need to change who they are to fit in or be accepted. They might question themselves, doubting whether their preference for quiet environments is a flaw or a limitation. In reality, introverts possess unique strengths, such as deep thinking, empathy, and excellent listening skills, which can contribute significantly to meaningful interactions and connections with others.
Recognizing and understanding these differences is crucial for churches to create inclusive and supportive environments for all congregants, regardless of their personality traits. Embracing a diversity of personalities and offering opportunities for both communal gatherings and more intimate interactions can help introverted individuals feel valued and appreciated within the church community. Additionally, creating a culture of acceptance, where each person is encouraged to participate in ways that feel comfortable to them, can enable both extroverts and introverts to engage meaningfully in their faith journey.
For introverted individuals, the vibrant and socially demanding environment of church services and events can be particularly draining. After a service filled with enthusiastic interactions and large group gatherings, they may find themselves in need of solitude and quiet reflection to recharge their energy. This need for self-preservation and personal space is essential for introverts to maintain their emotional well-being.
Although I don’t personally identify solely as an extrovert or an introvert, I fall somewhere in between. I lean towards being an extrovert with the social battery of an introvert. (often referred to as an “ambivert”)
In the past, my experiences at church as an ambivert were a mix of engagement and fatigue. While I could actively participate in group activities and discussions, I found myself feeling drained afterward, craving solitude to recharge. I can only imagine what it is like for introverted people! (check out my recent post about needing to nap after Sunday services by clicking HERE)
Unfortunately, some churches may inadvertently add to the pressure on introverts by emphasizing constant engagement in various ministries and group activities. Introverted individuals might feel guilty or inadequate for prioritizing their self-preservation over endless involvement, as if their quieter contributions are less valued.
It’s vital for churches to recognize and appreciate the unique strengths that introverts bring to the community. They often excel in deep, meaningful connections and thoughtful contributions that may not be as visible in large group settings. Creating opportunities for introverts to serve and contribute in ways that align with their personalities and strengths fosters a more inclusive and supportive church environment.
Allowing introverts the space to recharge and respecting their need for quiet reflection can lead to greater engagement and dedication in the long run. By embracing a diversity of personalities and valuing each person’s unique contribution, churches can create an environment where both extroverted and introverted people feel valued, accepted, and encouraged in their faith journey.
Disclaimer: The following reflections are based on my personal perspective and experiences. It’s important to note that neither extroverted nor introverted personalities are inherently superior; both have their unique strengths and contributions that enrich our understanding of human diversity. The intention is to shed light on the church dynamics between these personality types within certain contexts, rather than to pass judgment on their merits.
Abstract/TL;DR: Controlling people’s time means controlling their lives. This influence extends to their priorities, commitments, choices, opportunities, and relationships, ultimately shaping who they become.In the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community, there’s this concept of “Three to Thrive” that says you must attend church at least three times a week to thrive in your faith. Some pastors take it to an extreme, expecting you to be there for every little thing they put on the social calendar, even during life’s most significant moments. This pressure can be distressing, especially when dealing with grief or loss. Church attendance should never be used to control or manipulate congregants. True faith should inspire, not burden with guilt. If church attendance becomes a source of distress, it’s okay to reevaluate and find a balance that prioritizes well-being and genuine spirituality.The Bible doesn’t directly tell us to attend church services as we do today, but it does highlight the value of coming together, fostering fellowship, helping those in need, and being actively involved in a community of believers.
If you can control people’s calendars and time, then you can control a significant aspect of their lives. This control extends to their priorities, commitments, and even the choices they make. Manipulating someone’s time can impact their opportunities for personal growth, self-assurance, and pursuing their passions. It can also influence their social interactions and relationships, limiting their exposure to diverse perspectives and experiences. Ultimately, controlling someone’s time can shape their beliefs, actions, and decisions, impacting the course of their life and the person they become.
By controlling time a sense of dependency on the controlling party is created, making it challenging for individuals to break free from the cycle of control. It can also involve prioritizing certain activities or obligations over others. In some environments, individuals might be pressured to devote an excessive amount of time to specific tasks or responsibilities, leaving them with little room for personal growth, rest, or pursuing their interests.
For the majority of my young life I spent countless hours each week attending church related activities. As I child and teen, I loved spending time at the church with my friends and fellow members, creating wonderful memories while serving together. However, as an adult, I found myself torn between spending time with my young family, work, school, seeking rest and peace, and the persistent guilt and pressure of attending every single church activity.
In the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community there is a common concept concerning church attendance called “Three to Thrive.” According to them, you’ve got to be in church no less than three times a week to truly thrive in your faith and Christian walk. 1) Sunday school and Sunday morning services 2) Sunday evening and 3) Wednesday evening prayer meeting. But it doesn’t just stop at three…there are also many other times that a faithful member should be attending as well: Thursday evening and Saturday morning soul winning, bus route visitation, and revival meetings, missions conference, special guest speakers and evangelists services, VBS and summer outreach programs, teen activities, children’s activities, ladies’ Bible study, men’s prayer breakfasts, men’s and women’s conferences, couples retreats, young married get togethers, choir practice, spring cleaning days, Christmas decorating, Christmas and Easter play practices, Christmas and Valentine’s day dinners, special programs, regular programs, making meals for those who are sick or in need, studying and preparing to teach Bible lessons, game nights, picnics and potluck dinners, before morning service coffee, in between service fellowships, after church fellowships, ice cream fellowships, deacons’ meetings, Sunday school teachers meetings, ministry meetings, nursery meetings, baby dedications, bridal showers, baby showers, weddings and funerals for people you may or may not know, arriving early and staying late, the list goes on…When the doors of the church are open, you are expected to be there, no exceptions.
In some extreme cases, certain pastors and members in the IFB community take the emphasis on church attendance to an unsettling level. Picture this: you just gave birth to a beautiful baby. Congratulations! You had a rough labor and delivery and you are so tired, overwhelmed, and in pain from the experience. All you want to do is spend time enjoying your new baby and resting from the experience… but don’t forget to hurry back to church shortly after giving birth! It is seen as a badge of honor to bring a brand new tiny newborn to church only days or hours after being discharged from the hospital. That little one needs to start attending church immediately. For example, on more than one occasion, I heard one of my church’s former pastors proudly boast about wanting to leave his laboring wife to attend Sunday services and choir practice!!! Even now, he continues to preach to his congregation that he expects them to have the same level of commitment to church attendance and that this is an essential aspect of Christian spirituality.(can I say FOMO?!)
The pressure to adhere to the “Three to Thrive” concept in church attendance can sometimes lead to uncomfortable situations, including feeling compelled to attend church even when feeling unwell. It’s not uncommon to hear stories of individuals feeling guilty for missing a service due to illness, as if their dedication to faith is being put to the test.
What’s even more concerning is when this pressure comes from the leadership itself. Some pastors, driven by the belief that church attendance is paramount, may set an example by attending church despite being ill, even with fevers and contagious illnesses. This behavior can inadvertently encourage congregants to push their own limits and prioritize church attendance over their health and the well-being of others. I can attest that all too many times the youth pastor’s children were brought to the nursery with runny noses, coughs, fevers, and even one time with pink eye, which is highly contagious.
While the intention behind this may be to show the importance of church involvement, it can send the wrong message and place unnecessary strain on members who are already dealing with health issues. Attending church while contagious can risk spreading illnesses to others in the congregation and undermine the significance of responsible self-care. In my opinion, this disregard for staying home while sick was evident in the actions of many IFB pastors during the pandemic. They seemed frantic to reopen their churches, putting their congregations at risk despite the advice of the CDC and department of health to stay closed and distant.
In such situations, it is crucial for church leaders to prioritize the health and safety of their congregation. Encouraging members to prioritize rest and seek medical attention when needed shows genuine care and understanding for their well-being. Faith and spirituality are not measured by the number of times someone attends church while sick; rather, it is a matter of personal growth and connection with God. Despite what many IFB pastors preach, a connection with God is possible outside of the church while at home recovering from illness.
I know of one member who had cancer who would boast about wearing his ambulatory chemotherapy infusion pump to church, even after undergoing all-day chemo infusions. As an oncology nurse, I would advise him against attending services on days he received chemo, concerned about his well-being. However, to my chagrin, the church leaders praised him for his dedication, despite the potential risks to his health.
While church can offer comfort and support during challenging times, it is equally important to recognize that attending church while ill can be counterproductive and potentially harmful. Pastors should be advocates for both spiritual growth and physical well-being, promoting a healthy balance between church commitments and self-care. Ultimately, creating an environment of understanding and compassion will enable members to thrive spiritually without compromising their health.
Even immediately after the loss of a loved one during times of profound grief and mourning, there is pressure to return to church and ministry. This expectation can be emotionally distressing for those already suffering with the weight of their sorrow. I realize the idea behind this approach is often rooted in the belief that being in church and surrounded by the congregation will provide comfort and support. While seeking comfort from a supportive community can be valuable, the pressure to return to church and continue serving immediately after a significant loss can feel insensitive and overwhelming. Grieving is a deeply personal and delicate process, and everyone copes with loss differently. Pushing people to suppress their grief and prioritize church attendance can add further distress and hinder their natural grieving process.
Genuine pastoral care should encompass empathy, understanding, and compassion. Encouraging members to find their own path to healing and providing support without imposing rigid expectations is more conducive to a healthy emotional recovery. Respecting the uniqueness of each person’s grieving process and allowing them the time and space they need is a vital aspect of genuine care and support in times of sorrow. I knew and know pastors that practice this type of compassion, I am personally related to one of them.
While church can be a source of comfort and community during both exciting and difficult times, it should never be wielded as a tool to control or impose expectations on congregants who are navigating illness, life changes, or profound loss.
I understand the significance of church in some people’s lives—connecting with faith, finding comfort, and building a sense of community. While church is essential for some people’s faith, let’s not forget that it’s okay to miss a service now and then. It seems some pastors have taken “Three to Thrive” to a new level and believe it’s the key to unlocking spiritual greatness. Some pastors really seem to believe church attendance is the only measure of one’s spirituality. At times, it feels like a measure of control, as if one’s devotion and dedication are being tested. The pressure to be ever-present in the church community can leave some people feeling guilty and inadequate if they can’t meet these lofty standards. I also believe some pastors fear that if their congregants are given space to breathe and don’t spend an excessive amount of time busying themselves at the church, they might start to notice certain flaws in what they are being taught. (In my opinion this is another reason why many IFB pastors were frantic to reopen their churches during the pandemic putting their congregations at risk despite the advice of the CDC and department of health)
While regular church attendance can be an essential aspect of one’s faith journey, it becomes concerning when it turns into a means of control rather than an aid to genuine spiritual growth. True faith should inspire and uplift, not burden with unrealistic expectations. If missing a worship services causes overwhelming guilt and anxiety it may be important to pause and reconsider and reflect on the underlying reasons behind these feelings. It’s important to remember that genuine spirituality should not be driven by fear or pressure, but rather by a sincere desire to connect with God. If attending church becomes a source of distress rather than peace, it might be beneficial to take a step back and reevaluate. Finding a balance between personal well-being and church involvement is essential, and everyone’s journey of faith is unique and valid.
Another observance I have noted, is oftentimes, congregants are encouraged to prioritize their time and energy towards church activities, yet there are instances when these same pastors who encourage attendance at all costs might not make themselves available to the congregants in the same way. It’s intriguing how the emphasis on and pressure of attendance and service sometimes doesn’t apply across the board to all members equally either. (I have personally known of instances where pastors expect their congregants to be available at a moment’s notice, but when things are reversed, there have been occasions when members reach out for support these same pastors are too busy due to being engaged in travel for pleasure or to other churches for speaking engagements or are busy with other endeavors.)
While I understand the value of a thriving church community, this unbalanced dynamic can create feelings of frustration and confusion among congregants. Witnessing pastors encourage constant engagement while not consistently practicing the same level of availability for their members can be demoralizing. It raises questions about authenticity and whether the expectations set are truly equal. A healthy church community should be built on a foundation of shared commitment, where leaders and congregants alike uphold the principles they preach. (If you have been following along with my journey of finding faith following fundamentalism, you’re aware that the discrepancy between preaching one thing and practicing another is a significant concern for me.)
In the grand scheme of things, “Three to Thrive” might be a catchy phrase, but it’s not the ultimate measure of faith. Sometimes, life calls for a little flexibility. Ultimately, prioritizing mental, spiritual, and emotional well-being is a vital aspect of adopting a healthy and genuine relationship with faith. We should be understanding and supportive of one another, even if we can’t make it to every service. Attend church, engage with your community, and nurture your faith. But remember, it’s not about religious obligations; it’s about the genuine journey we take on our own path of faith. So, whether you feel the need to attend “Three to Thrive” or not, no one should feel coerced into sacrificing their well-being or family time in the name of strict church attendance.
“Three to Thrive,”
“Three to Thrive,” they often chant, A moment of rest, a wish to grant! Not just Sundays and Wednesdays, it’s so much more, We’re always rushing out the door.
Amidst the chaotic frenzy, in church life I find,
An overwhelming guilt, so intertwined.
From Sunday school to Wednesday prayer,
So many activities, you must be there.
Sunday morning, Sunday night,
And Thursday’s soul winning, schedules are tight.
Saturday’s outreach, it never ends,
So many events, my head spins.
Revival meetings, missions too,
Special guest speakers, there’s always a few.
VBS in the summer, bus routes all year round,
With so much to do, I just might drown.
Children go wild, teen activities galore,
Ladies’ Bible studies, men’s meetings and more.
Couples retreats, so much to plan,
In this whirlwind, can I still stand?
Choir practice, and cleaning days,
Christmas, Easter, endless plays.
Dinners, picnics, one after another,
Is there room to breathe, I often wonder?
Game nights, potlucks, ice cream craze,
Fellowship prep that take up all my days.
Deacons, nursery, teachers meetings abound,
In this packed schedule, I’m feeling bound.
Funerals, Bridal and baby showers too,
Weddings and baby dedications, so much more to do!
No exceptions, always be there,
Activity overload, it’s too much to bear.
In this frenzy, I must confide,
Sometimes it feels like a crazy ride.
In this flurry, I must confess,
Sometimes it feels like a massive mess.
With love and faith, is it all sincere?
But is there space to breathe in here?
So let’s take a step back, and take a break,
Reevaluate for our own sake.
In the quest for growth, let’s redefine,
A balanced church life, that’s truly Divine.
Disclaimer: The Bible doesn’t explicitly command church attendance in the way that modern practices of attending a church service are understood. However, the Bible does emphasize the importance of fellowship, gathering together, and being a part of a community of believers. I am painting with a broad brush, not all IFB pastors or members believe this way.It’s important to acknowledge that people have diverse experiences and emotions when it comes to church attendance. Some find great comfort, community, and peace in their church, while others may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to constantly commit time, money, and effort to the congregation. When guilt is used to manipulate and control those who struggle with attendance, it is concerning and should not be condoned. True pastoral care involves understanding and compassion for each person’s unique journey and challenges, without resorting to manipulation or imposing rigid expectations. Not all IFB pastors use guilt and shame to coerce their members to attend church faithfully. Everyone should be given the freedom to navigate their faith and church involvement in a way that feels right for them. If the Holy Spirit isn’t bringing about conviction, it’s not the pastor’s place to impose guilt.
Abstract/TL;DR:After leaving my former church, I attended my niece’s baptism there. Returning brought up mixed emotions and feelings of anxiety and unsafety. While it was a bittersweet experience, it reinforced that my decision to leave was the correct choice.
After leaving my former church, I found myself facing an emotional challenge when I decided whether or not to attend my niece’s baptism there. I had trepidation about going back, knowing that it could stir up memories and emotions I had worked hard to put behind me. But family is important, and I wanted to be there for my sister and my niece on her special day.
As I walked through the doors of the church, memories flooded back, and I felt a mix of emotions. Seeing familiar faces and hearing familiar hymns brought both comfort and unease. It was like revisiting a place I used to call home, but now it felt foreign.
During the service, I felt a sense of disconnection. The familiar beliefs and teachings that once shaped my worldview now felt distant and unfamiliar. I had grown and evolved, and the church’s ideology no longer aligned with my own.
As the baptism proceeded, I couldn’t help but feel anxious and unsafe. The atmosphere felt stifling, and I was acutely aware of the judgments and expectations that used to surround me. It was a strange sensation to be back in a place so familiar, yet so alien.
After the service, I spoke with many old friends, many asked where I had been and if I would be returning. Due to the business of various ministries, many people hadn’t even noticed I had been gone, they thought our path just hadn’t crossed because I had just been serving somewhere else.
While I was happy to be there for my niece’s special day, I also felt a sense of relief when I walked out those doors knowing that I would never be returning again. Leaving the church had been a challenging decision, and attending this baptism brought back memories of the people I had left behind. There was a bittersweet undercurrent to the experience.
In the aftermath of the visit, I found myself processing a whirlwind of emotions. The visit had stirred up old wounds, and I found myself grappling with feelings of anxiety and vulnerability for days following the baptism. The choice to leave the church had been transformative, but confronting my past also reminded me of the challenges I had faced. It reaffirmed my commitment to embracing my own beliefs and values and find strength in staying true to myself.
In the end, attending my niece’s baptism was a reminder of why I made the choice I did to leave. Returning solidified the reassurance I needed. I was reminded of the intentional growth I had made since leaving the church. It was a bittersweet experience, but it also reinforced my decision to distance myself from that community. While it may have been challenging, I’m grateful for the growth and self-awareness that came from confronting my past and finding strength in the person I’ve become today.
Returning
Familiar faces and hymns I knew, But the beliefs, once mine, seemed askew. A disconnection in that sacred space, Where I once found comfort, but not grace.
Reflecting now, I see the light, Embracing beliefs that feel right. It was in leaving, I found my way, A stronger self in the present day.
Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.
Abstract/TL;DR:Sundays used to be a struggle for me while I was in the IFB community, causing anxiety and exhaustion. Leaving the community brought freedom and relief, allowing for relaxation and self-reflection on Sundays. Napping became a necessary emotional recharge, but after leaving, it transformed into a source of enjoyment and rejuvenation. Listening to my body has been transformative, leading to self-compassion and setting boundaries. Now, I no longer push myself beyond my limits and embrace a healthier lifestyle.
If you have been following along with my recent pivot from beauty content to talking about my personal and spiritual growth, thank you! I am being mindful of how often I bring up my experiences in the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community. I’m trying to refrain from being too negative. With 40 years of information to process through, I’m thoughtfully deciding what to share openly and what to keep private. I genuinely appreciate your patience and understanding as I work through all of this and selectively share.
Back when I was still attending church in the IFB community, Sundays were always a struggle for me. I would wake up and immediately feel the weight of the day ahead. I dreaded getting ready, feeling uptight and anxious the entire morning. During my last few years in that community, I was also suffered with frequent migraines and constant neck pain. Despite being a short distance, the drive to church was the worst. I would often feel my heart racing, my shoulders tense, and my palms sweating with anticipatory anxiety. As soon as we stepped through the door of the church, I sensed the pressure to be constantly “on.” It was as if one wrong move could instantly make me fodder for gossip. The pressure and expectation to be perfect was overwhelming.
Leaving the church after the morning services, I would be physically and emotionally drained. The pressure to fit in and the fear of being judged weighed heavily on my mind. At times, I found myself questioning my own thoughts and actions, wondering if they aligned with the expectations of the church. The combination of the lengthy sermons and the pressure to conform to a specific system of rules left me utterly exhausted. Only then to dread returning later that evening for a second round of services.
While some seemed to feel uplifted and rejuvenated by the services, I felt depleted. Like a battery that has been drained of its power.
Napping on Sunday afternoons between services became a necessity for me to survive the rest of the week. If I didn’t take that nap, I would be completely spent, struggling to find the energy to face the challenges ahead. It almost felt like a mandatory emotional recharge to make it through the coming days.
However, things changed when I decided to leave the IFB community. As I stepped away from that environment, I noticed a remarkable shift in my mental and emotional well-being, along with a sense of freedom and relief, I no longer constantly felt exhausted.
No longer bound by rigid expectations and exhausting routines, I discovered a newfound vigor. With the weight of the IFB teachings lifted, the overwhelming need for Sunday afternoon naps dissipated. I found myself energized and excited about the week ahead, free from the mental and emotional exhaustion that once plagued me. Rather than being confined to a routine, instead of requiring sleep, Sundays became a time for relaxation, time with my family, and pursuing activities that genuinely brought me joy, rather than a struggle to recover from draining obligations.
I no longer need Sunday afternoon naps because I’ve freed myself from the constraints of that community. This has also taught me the importance of listening to my body. For a long time I was pushing myself to “do what is right” despite the physical and emotional pain it was causing me. Stepping away from that community, it became clear that taking care of myself was not a sign of weakness or selfishness, but an elementary act of self-respect and self-preservation.
Learning to listen to my body’s signals has been transformative. I now recognize the value of self-compassion and the significance of setting boundaries to protect my well-being. It has enabled me to break free from the cycle of pushing myself beyond my limits and has allowed me to embrace a healthier and more fulfilling way of living. If a situation or group is consistently causing me to have a racing heart, tense shoulders, and sweating palms, migraines, and exhaustion, that situation needs to be reevaluated.
I now take naps for enjoyment, not out of necessity. Instead of using naps as a means to recover from mentally, spiritually, and emotionally exhausting religious obligations, I now see them as a way to recharge my mind and body. The shift from feeling compelled to rest as a means of survival, to choosing to rest for enjoyment has brought contentment. Each nap is now an opportunity to pause, unwind, and simply rest.
Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. While I was happy attending the IFB for many years, I began to feel overwhelmed and stifled. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.
Looking Joli Good 