Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Perpetually “Persecuted”? Understanding That People Are Not Against You, They Are For Themselves

Abstract/TL;DR: Growing up with an “us vs. them” mentality, I was taught to interpreted the actions of others as attacks on my faith. However, I’ve come to understand that people are primarily driven by their own needs and circumstances. Jesus taught love, compassion, and unity, challenging divisions and emphasizing forgiveness. Recognizing that people are for themselves allows me to approach interactions with empathy and compassion, fostering unity amidst diverse perspectives. Bible verses emphasize love for others, unity, and breaking down divisions, reflecting Jesus’ teachings.

Perpetually "Persecuted"? | lookingjoligood.blog

As I have recently mentioned, having grown up in a religious culture that often promoted an “us vs. them” mentality, where people were categorized as either “saved or part of the world,” “for us or against us.” I was taught to interpret the actions of others as a direct attack on my faith or values. I was told that it was personal, as if their choices were deliberate attempts to undermine my beliefs. Over the years I’ve heard a lot about being “persecuted” by “them”. (Persecution is when people or groups face mistreatment, discrimination, or harassment because of their race, religion, beliefs, or identity. It involves targeting them unfairly, denying their rights, and subjecting them to unfair treatment, ranging from verbal abuse to physical violence.)

However, since leaving that community, I have come to learn a valuable lesson: people are not against me, but rather for themselves. Meaning, people are primarily driven by their own needs, desires, and circumstances, they are not interested in what I am doing unless it personally affects them.

Recognizing that individuals prioritize their own interests has allowed me to let go of the notion that their actions are intentionally against me. Rather than being preoccupied with comparisons or seeking external validation, I now try to approach interactions with empathy and compassion, understanding that they, like me, are navigating their own unique journeys. (You know, it’s been pretty amazing to realize that people don’t care about what I’m doing even half as much as I do. It’s been liberating, to say the least!)

While controversial topics are not my usual focus in posts, I am going to make a quick exception. One area where many evangelicals feel persecuted by them is the belief in a “gay agenda” coming to attack their families. This belief can lead to polarization, discrimination, and resistance to LGBTQ+ rights, straining relationships and limiting open dialogue. The concept of a “gay agenda” is a subject of debate, (one I have personally heard preached from the pulpit on more than one occasion) with some viewing it as an alleged organized effort by the LGBTQ+ community to promote their rights by attacking traditional family values (while others consider it a dismissive term for their struggles for equality.) In reality, there are evangelical organizations that work against LGBTQ+ rights, but as far as I know there is no unified “gay agenda” working against evangelical families. There is diverse advocacy for civil rights and social acceptance among LGBTQ+ individuals, which does not threaten family units.

While this is a hotly debated topic, it is essential to approach the subject with nuance and open-mindedness. Just because someone is different than you does not automatically make them wrong. Treating people in the LGBTQ+ community with dignity, love, and respect is crucial, just as all humans deserve. Showing kindness and treating fellow humans with dignity should be the absolute minimum expectation for any Christian. If you claim to love God, you prove that by showing love to all people. I must also add, some of the kindest and most interesting people I know are LGBTQ.

Many evangelicals claim to be persecuted, yet their actions often involve persecuting those who differ from them. They might discriminate, stigmatize, and resist people and communities that don’t fit their beliefs. They come together to boycott companies that support organizations and people with which they don’t agree. Even though they support “Christian” companies, which sometimes engage in questionable nefarious actions.So, while they claim to be victims, they end up perpetuating discrimination and marginalization against others. It’s crucial to be aware of these contradictions and treat everyone with respect and empathy, regardless of their beliefs or identities.

Perpetually "Persecuted"? | lookingjoligood.blog

Despite religious cultures that promote an “us vs. them” mentality, that mentality completely contradicts what Jesus consistently preached. He emphasized love, compassion, and unity among all people, regardless of their background or beliefs.

One of the central teachings of Jesus was to love one’s neighbor as oneself. This teaching encourages individuals to extend love, care, and understanding to all people, without discrimination or division. Jesus exemplified this by interacting with individuals from different walks of life, including social outcasts, sinners, and even those from opposing religious groups.

The Sermon on the Mount is one of the most well-known and significant teachings of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew (Matthew 5-7). In this powerful sermon, Jesus delivers a profound message that outlines the principles and ethics of the Kingdom of God.

The Sermon on the Mount covers a wide range of topics, including the Beatitudes (blessed are the poor in spirit, the meek, the merciful, etc.), teachings on love and forgiveness, the importance of being salt and light in the world, and the fulfillment of the law.

Jesus emphasizes the transformation of the heart, encouraging his followers to go beyond mere external observances of the law and focus on the attitudes and intentions behind their actions. He challenges his listeners to love their enemies, pray for those who persecute them, and practice humility, purity of heart, and peacemaking.

The central theme of the Sermon on the Mount is love. Jesus calls his disciples to love God with all their hearts and to love their neighbors as themselves. He teaches that love should guide their relationships, actions, and decisions.

Jesus often challenged the rigid divisions prevalent in his society and emphasized the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation. He taught his followers to love their enemies, bless those who curse them, and pray for those who mistreat them. This message encouraged his disciples to rise above the divisive mentality and approach others with compassion and forgiveness.

Additionally, Jesus emphasized the value of unity and community. He emphasized love, compassion, and kindness towards others throughout his ministry. His teachings encouraged his followers to treat all individuals with respect and empathy, regardless of their background, social status, or circumstances. He prayed for his followers to be united as one, just as he and God the Father were one. Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of God, which transcends worldly divisions and includes all who follow his teachings.

In the Gospels, Jesus often spoke about the importance of loving one’s neighbor as oneself (Mark 12:31) and treating others the way you would want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). He showed compassion towards marginalized and outcast individuals, embracing those who were considered social outcasts during his time, such as tax collectors, sinners, and lepers.

love | lookingjoligood.blog

Here are a few Bible verses that correspond to Jesus’ teachings about love, unity, and breaking down divisions:

Love for Others:

  • Mark 12:31: “The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
  • Matthew 5:44: “But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”

Unity and Oneness:

  • John 17:21: “I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.”
  • Ephesians 4:4-6: “For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all.”

Overcoming Divisions:

  • Galatians 3:28: “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
  • Colossians 3:11: “In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.”

These verses reflect Jesus’ teachings of love, unity, and breaking down divisions among people. They emphasize the importance of extending love to all, embracing unity, and seeing one another as equal members of the Kingdom of God.

Understanding that people are for themselves and not against me has created space for healthier connections and more positive interactions. By embracing this truth, I can bridge the divide that the “us vs. them” mentality often creates, encouraging dialogue and a sense of unity amidst our diverse perspectives.

If you are interested in reading about what I have to say about The Consequences of Being Forced to Make Black and White Choices in a World of Filled with Gray Nuance you can click HERE.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Disclaimer:  The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. Hatred towards any group of people is wrong, and no Bible verses can justify or support such hatred, regardless of how they may be interpreted or twisted. Love, compassion, and empathy should guide our interactions with others, promoting respect and understanding for all individuals, regardless of their background, race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or identity.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Thought Stopping Clichés

Abstract/TL;DR: Thought-stopping clichés are used to shut down critical thinking and discourage questioning in various contexts, including religious settings. They can limit understanding, reinforce conformity, and hinder personal growth. It is important to respond to these clichés with kindness, respect, and thoughtful engagement. Encouraging further explanation, sharing personal beliefs, asking thought-provoking questions, offering examples, and finding shared values can foster meaningful dialogue and promote open-mindedness.

First things first, let’s get the disclaimer out of the way…

Disclaimer: As I discuss thought stopping cliché s, it is important to note that I hold a personal belief in the power of God and the significance of prayer. However, I also firmly believe in the value of critical thinking and actively engaging in problem-solving. While faith and prayer play a vital role in my life, I recognize the importance of balancing spiritual guidance with intellectual exploration. The purpose of exploring thought stopping cliches is to encourage a thoughtful and balanced approach, where faith and critical thinking can coexist harmoniously. It is my intention to promote a nuanced perspective that embraces the benefits of both spiritual beliefs and rational examination in navigating life’s challenges and seeking personal growth.

As you can probably tell from the length of this post, I have been reflecting on and working through these thoughts for quite some time now. Not only have I personally experienced the effects of these phrases being used against me, but I have also been guilty of using many of these clichés in the past. Learning about thought stopping clichés has truly been eye-opened for me.

First let’s talk about what is a thought stopping chiché. A thought stopping cliché refers to a brief and often repeated phrase or slogan that serves as a mechanism to shut down or dismiss critical thinking, doubts, or exploration of alternative perspectives. These clichés are designed to halt further inquiry or questioning, maintaining the status quo and discouraging individuals from challenging established beliefs or practices. By invoking these clichés, individuals or groups can manipulate others’ thoughts and control the narrative, effectively stifling independent thinking and reinforcing conformity. Thought stopping clichés can be powerful tools for influencing and shaping perceptions, often used in high control environments or to discourage dissenting opinions.

Thought Stopping Clichés | lookingjoligood.blog

Secondly, let’s talk about what is a high control environment: A high control environment refers to a setting where there is a significant degree of influence, manipulation, and restriction on individuals’ thoughts, behaviors, and choices. In such environments, there is often a central authority or group that exercises control over its members, dictating their beliefs, practices, and even personal lives. These environments can be found in various contexts, including religious, political, or social groups. High control environments typically employ tactics such as strict rules, intense surveillance, information control, isolation from external influences, and the use of thought-stopping techniques to maintain conformity and discourage critical thinking. The goal of a high control environment is to exert power and influence over individuals, often at the expense of their autonomy, individuality, and personal freedom.

In high control groups, thought stopping clichés are utilized as a means of control and manipulation. These phrases are the answers given whenever they encounter thoughts or doubts that challenge the group’s beliefs or teachings.

Here are a few examples of thought-stopping clichés commonly used in everyday situations:

“It is what it is.” This phrase is often employed to dismiss or avoid further discussion or analysis of a situation. It implies a sense of resignation and discourages seeking solutions or understanding. While some situations cannot be changed, using, “It is what it is.” to shut down a discussion is a thought stopping tactic.

“Just think positive!” This cliché is often used to oversimplify complex emotions or challenges. While optimism and positivity are important, this phrase can dismiss genuine struggles and discourage exploring deeper issues.

“Don’t rock the boat.” This phrase is used to discourage questioning or challenging the status quo. It suggests that maintaining harmony or avoiding conflict is more important than addressing underlying issues or seeking meaningful change.

“That’s just the way things are.” This thought-stopping cliché implies that certain circumstances or systems are unchangeable or beyond our control. It discourages critical thinking and overlooks the potential for progress or improvement.

“Happiness is a choice.” While there is truth to the importance of mindset, this cliché oversimplifies the complexity of emotions and personal circumstances. It can dismiss genuine struggles or difficulties that people may be facing.

These thought-stopping clichés serve as shortcuts to avoid deeper examination or critical thinking. While they may provide temporary comfort or ease, it is important to recognize when they limit our understanding or hinder progress.

In religious contexts, these thought-stopping clichés aim to reinforce faith, trust, and submission to religious authority. They discourage critical examination of religious teachings or experiences, promote reliance on supernatural explanations, and discourage personal responsibility or problem-solving. By repeating these phrases, religious groups can maintain a sense of control over their members’ beliefs and actions.

Here are some religious thought stopping clichés that I have personally been told:

stop sign| lookingjoligood.blog

“Just have faith.” This thought stoppingcliché is often used to discourage questioning or doubt within religious or high control groups. When members encounter challenging or conflicting thoughts, they are encouraged to dismiss those concerns and rely solely on faith. The phrase implies that having faith is sufficient, and further examination or critical thinking is unnecessary. By using this cliche, high control groups seek to suppress individual doubts and maintain unwavering adherence to their beliefs.

“You just need more faith.” Ah, yes, the cure-all solution for any lingering doubts or uncertainties. When faced with logical inconsistencies or challenging concepts, just tell yourself that you’re lacking faith. Because obviously if you are not getting what you want it is because you don’t have enough faith. While, yes, faith is the substance of things hoped for, it is often used as the magical ingredient that can make any irrational belief seem perfectly reasonable.

By suggesting that a person’s struggles or doubts are solely due to a lack of faith, this phrase can dismiss their valid concerns and emotions. It undermines the complexity of their experiences and implies that their challenges would be resolved if they simply had stronger or unwavering faith.

“God works in mysterious ways.” It is often uttered to explain or justify events that seem inexplicable or contradictory within religious contexts. This thought-stopping cliché suggests that the workings of God are beyond human comprehension, discouraging further inquiry or critical examination.

By invoking this phrase, people may dismiss the need for understanding or questioning, relying instead on blind faith and acceptance. While it can provide comfort or a sense of surrender in the face of uncertainty, it also runs the risk of discouraging critical thinking. By emphasizing the mysteriousness of God’s plan, church leaders can cultivate a sense of dependency on their guidance. Congregants may be led to believe that only through the leaders’ interpretations and teachings can they hope to understand God’s mysterious ways, reinforcing their reliance on the church and its authority figures.

“God’s ways are higher than our ways.” This cliché is often used to dismiss or discourage questioning of religious doctrines or practices that may seem contradictory, unjust, or difficult to understand. It suggests that human understanding is limited compared to the divine, and therefore, it is inappropriate or futile to challenge or question God’s actions or teachings. By using this cliché, religious groups can reinforce the idea of divine authority and dissuade critical examination or intellectual curiosity. By asserting that God’s ways are beyond human comprehension, church leaders position themselves as the sole interpreters of God’s intentions and actions. This can create an environment where congregants are expected to unquestioningly follow their guidance, reinforcing the leaders’ authority and minimizing dissent.

“Let go, let God handle it.” This cliché is often employed to divert attention away from problem-solving or taking personal responsibility. Members are instructed to rely solely on trusting that a higher power will resolve their issues or concerns. It discourages people from actively seeking solutions or making informed decisions, instead promoting a passive approach where one relinquishes control to an external authority. While trusting God to handle situations is important, by using this cliche, high control groups can exert influence over their members’ decision-making processes and reinforce dependency on the group’s teachings.

“Leave it in God’s hands.” This cliche is similar to “let go and let God”, it’s often employed to discourage active problem-solving by urging congregants to rely solely on divine intervention. It implies that one should surrender their concerns or worries to God and trust that everything will be taken care of according to His plan. By using this cliche, religious groups can assert control over their members’ decision-making processes and dissuade them from taking independent action or seeking practical solutions outside of the church framework.

“Pray harder, and God will answer.” While prayer is an important part of faith, this phrase suggests that the outcome of prayers is directly related to the intensity or frequency of prayer. It can place undue pressure on individuals and oversimplify the complexity of divine intervention or personal circumstances. By suggesting that the level of a person’s prayers determines the response from God, this phrase places the responsibility solely on the person. It may imply that if their prayers are not answered, it is due to their insufficient efforts or lack of dedication, rather than considering other factors or external circumstances.

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.” While yes “I can do all things through Christ who give me strength” (Phil 4:13) This cliché is frequently invoked in times of hardship or suffering to provide comfort and reassurance. It suggests that any challenges or trials faced are within their capacity to endure, thanks to God’s support and strength. Life’s challenges are often multifaceted and can surpass an individual’s capacity to handle them alone. This phrase oversimplifies the complexities of human experiences by suggesting that people are always equipped to manage whatever comes their way, disregarding the importance of acknowledging limitations and seeking support.

By suggesting that people can handle everything on their own, this phrase can discourage them from seeking external help or support when needed. It may create a sense of self-reliance that hinders their ability to reach out for assistance or share their burdens with others.

This was a huge struggle I faced. I was afraid to ask for help due to not wanting to burden others since I should only need to rely on God’s support and strength. This phrase caused me to minimize the magnitude of the challenges I faced by implying that I had the inherent strength and capacity to overcome anything that came my way. It invalidated my feelings of being overwhelmed and struggling with what I was going through.

“God is good ALL the time, ALL the time God is good.” While the phrase “God is good all the time, all the time God is good” is often used in a positive and uplifting context, it can also be used in a way that silences or dismisses legitimate concerns or challenges. In some cases, people may use this cliché to avoid engaging in difficult conversations or to invalidate the struggles and pain of others.

When someone is going through difficult times or expressing their doubts, fears, or concerns, responding with this cliché without genuinely addressing their feelings can be perceived as dismissive and unhelpful. It may prevent open and honest communication and hinder the opportunity for understanding and empathy. Yes God is good, but hurt and struggles still happen despite His goodness!

It’s all part of God’s plan.” This cliché is often employed when faced with unexpected or negative events, aiming to provide a sense of acceptance and resignation. It suggests that everything that occurs, regardless of how it may appear, is ultimately part of a greater divine plan. By using this cliche, religious groups can discourage members from questioning or exploring alternative explanations for their experiences, reinforcing the belief that everything happens for a specific purpose ordained by God and there is nothing that can be done about it.

“Don’t question God’s will.” This cliché is often used to discourage people from seeking understanding or finding meaning in challenging or tragic situations. It can imply that any attempt to explore or question God’s actions or purposes is inherently wrong or disrespectful. It can be employed to suppress questioning, doubt, or examination of one’s faith or religious teachings. It implies that any attempt to explore or challenge God’s will is wrong or disrespectful, discouraging members from engaging in deeper thinking.

For example, Moses, Gideon, Job, Habakkuk, Sarah, Zechariah, Abraham, Jonah, Thomas, Martha, Elijah, and Asaph, I could go on, all questioned God. Seeking greater understanding and clarification is not wrong.

The phrase can reinforce the authority of religious leaders or institutions by positioning them as the sole interpreters of God’s will. It can discourage congregants from critically examining the actions or teachings of those in positions of authority, promoting obedience and compliance rather than encouraging open dialogue or constructive discussion.

By asserting that questioning God’s will is off-limits, this phrase can be used to silence dissent or dismiss alternative perspectives. It can create an environment where individuals are discouraged from expressing their thoughts, concerns, or disagreements, encouraging a culture of blind conformity.

“God said it, I believe it, that settles it.” This cliché is often used to emphasize unwavering belief in the authority of religious texts or teachings. It can discourage deeper examination or questioning of religious doctrines by implying that blind acceptance is the only valid response. It can be used to silence dissenting viewpoints or alternative interpretations. It can create an environment where dialogue and respectful discussion are discouraged, inhibiting exploration of different perspectives.

The phrase suggests that once God’s word is accepted, there is no room for personal interpretation or critical thinking. It may discourage people from exercising their own discernment and using their God-given intellect to workout complex issues or challenges.

By adhering strictly to the belief that their interpretation of God’s word settles all matters, this phrase can reinforce the authority of religious leaders or institutions. It can discourage members from questioning or challenging the teachings of those in positions of authority, maintaining a culture of blind obedience rather than encouraging independent thought.

“Only God can judge.” This cliché is used to deflect or avoid discussions about moral or ethical issues, implying that human judgments are invalid or irrelevant. While it can promote humility, it can also discourage critical thinking or responsible decision-making.

The phrase can reinforce the authority and power of religious leaders or institutions by positioning them as the intermediaries between God and man. It can discourage individuals from questioning or challenging the actions or teachings of those in positions of authority, reinforcing a hierarchy and inhibiting independent thought.

By using this phrase, some may use it as a shield to avoid self-reflection, personal growth, or making necessary changes. It can discourage people from seeking personal development or striving to become better versions of themselves by relying solely on the idea that God will be the ultimate judge.

“Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding.” I know, I know, this one is a direct quote from the Bible, but hear me out! The Bible itself can be used as a thought stopping cliché used by some to manipulate.

The phrase “Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding” is a biblical verse found in Proverbs 3:5. It can be used as a reminder to rely on God’s wisdom and guidance rather than solely depending on our limited human understanding. However, it is important to approach this verse with discernment and understand its context to avoid potential misinterpretation or manipulation.

The verse encourages individuals to trust in the Lord, recognizing that God’s understanding surpasses our own. It reminds us to have faith in God’s plan, even when things may seem unclear or challenging. While leaning on God’s understanding is important, it doesn’t mean that we should disregard our own intellect or critical thinking. The verse shouldn’t be used to discourage personal growth, education, or the pursuit of knowledge. Rather, it reminds us to acknowledge our limitations and humbly seek God’s guidance.

The verse doesn’t promote blind acceptance or discourage critical thinking. It invites individuals to integrate faith with a thoughtful and discerning approach to life’s challenges. It encourages us to seek God’s wisdom while engaging our minds in seeking understanding and making informed decisions.

It is important to interpret this verse, and others, within the broader teachings of the Bible and apply it in a way that encourages a balanced perspective. Trusting in the Lord doesn’t mean abandoning reason or personal responsibility; it invites us to embrace both our faith and our capacity for rational thought as we navigate life’s complexities.

How should these thought stopping clichés be responded to?

When confronted with thought stopping clichés, whether religious or non-religious or in your own mind, it can be helpful to respond in a kind, thoughtful, and respectful manner. Here are some approaches you can consider:

Ask for further explanation or elaboration on the cliché to better understand the perspective being expressed. This can lead to a more meaningful conversation and create an opportunity for deeper reflection.

Share your thoughts and beliefs in a respectful and calm manner. Explain that you value critical thinking and open dialogue, and that you are open to exploring different viewpoints. This can foster an environment of mutual understanding and encourage a more meaningful exchange of ideas.

Encourage critical thinking by asking thought-provoking questions that challenge the assumptions or implications of the cliché. This can help stimulate deeper reflection and encourage yourself and others to consider alternative perspectives.

Offer examples from your own life or the experiences of others to illustrate how critical thinking has yielded positive outcomes. This can help demonstrate the value of embracing a more nuanced perspective and open-mindedness.

Look for shared values or principles that both parties can agree upon, focusing on areas of agreement rather than differences. This can help create a foundation for respectful and constructive dialogue.

Keep in mind the goal is not to argue or persuade others to adopt your viewpoint, but rather to be understanding, encourage critical thinking, and promote open-mindedness. By approaching thought stopping clichés with respect, you can contribute to a more enriching and meaningful conversation.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

*See above for disclaimer

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Weaponized Shame

Abstract/TL;DR: Shame, whether in religious or non-religious contexts, can deeply harm individuals. It is used as a tool of control, punishment, and conformity. It can be seen in personal relationships, workplaces, social circles, and online communities. Breaking free from shame requires questioning ingrained beliefs, encouraging empathy, and creating supportive environments. By challenging the weaponization of shame, we can create a more compassionate society where people thrive.

*Please see disclaimer below

Content WarningI may not cover all of these things in detail, you might feel triggered by the content of this post.
CW: religious trauma, spiritual abuse, physical abuse, SA, guilt and shame, emotional manipulation, church discipline, loss of community, and fear of rejection

Shame is a complex emotion that can sneak into our lives in various ways, and dealing with it can be quite a challenge. It’s like when we mess up at work or in our personal relationships, and that feeling of failure starts gnawing at us. Even comparing ourselves to society’s beauty standards can trigger body shame, making us feel less than. Financial struggles or unemployment can bring on shame too, as we wonder why we can’t seem to get it together like others. (For instance, even though I find immense joy and satisfaction in being a stay-at-home mom and taking grad school classes, whenever someone inquires about my job, I can’t help but feel a pang of shame and an urge to justify why I am not currently employed.)

Those past mistakes we can’t shake off, they haunt us too. We beat ourselves up over things we did wrong, and the guilt weighs heavily in our minds and on our hearts. Sometimes, we might even feel ashamed of our family background or cultural differences, as if we don’t fit in. And the whole topic of sexuality and relationships can be a minefield of shame, with society’s judgmental eyes on us.

Mental health issues add another layer of complexity. Society’s stigma can make us feel ashamed for struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other challenges. It’s like we’re expected to hide our struggles and put on a brave face, acting like we have it all together at all times, which only makes things worse.

Even in simple social situations, we might feel awkward or different from others, and that can lead to a sense of shame and isolation.

But the truth is, we’re not alone in feeling this way. Shame is something we all encounter at some point in life. We’re all human, and we all have flaws. Finding healthy ways to cope with shame is important. We deserve to accept ourselves and let go of that unnecessary shame that holds us back.

Coping with shame, whether it originates from ourselves or is inflicted by others, can be incredibly challenging. In particular, I’d like to focus on the difficulties associated with dealing with shame that is weaponized by others. They may use hurtful words, judgmental attitudes, or social exclusion to make us feel inadequate and unworthy. This deliberate tactic can deeply impact our self-esteem and emotional well-being. When shame is weaponized, it can undermine our confidence and create a sense of powerlessness. It’s important to recognize this manipulative behavior and set boundaries to protect ourselves.

Weaponized shame can occur in both religious and non-religious contexts, and its impact can be deeply detrimental to an individuals’ well-being. In religious settings, shame may be misused as a means of control, punishment, or enforcing conformity. Strict rules and expectations can create a culture where people feel constant pressure to meet unattainable standards, leading to intense feelings of guilt, unworthiness, and fear of divine punishment. Using public humiliation or exclusion as a means to enforce conformity can compelling people to suppress their true beliefs.

weaponized shame| lookingjoligood.blog

My focus will be on weaponized shame within a religious context, although it’s important to note that this concept is not limited solely to religious settings.It can also be observed in personal relationships, workplaces, social circles, and online communities. Emotional manipulation tactics can involve constant criticism, ridicule, or demeaning behavior, leaving one feeling inadequate, submissive, and fearful. In workplaces, shame can be wielded through public humiliation, belittlement, or scapegoating, creating a toxic environment that undermines employees’ confidence, motivation, and overall well-being and enjoyment. Within social circles, shame may be used to exclude or gossip about individuals based on their appearance, interests, or lifestyle choices, creating feelings of isolation and self-doubt. In the digital realm, cyberbullying and online shaming inflict shame on people publicly, leading to severe emotional distress and social withdrawal.

Weaponized shame in religions is a topic that resonates with me. It refers to the misuse of shame as a form of control or punishment within religious contexts. Shame, as a powerful emotion, can have both positive and negative effects on people. In healthy religious environments, it can be used constructively to encourage personal growth and uphold moral values. However, when shame is intentionally weaponized, it can have severe consequences on mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

weaponized shame| lookingjoligood.blog

I have experienced the weight of weaponized shame firsthand. It’s discouraging to witness shame being used as a means of control and punishment. The pressure to conform to rigid religious standards can be suffocating, leaving little room for personal growth. Instead of encouraging a sense of belonging and acceptance, this kind of shame creates a culture of fear, where one’s worthiness is constantly questioned.It often stems from the imposition of rigid rules and standards that are nearly impossible to meet. When I failed to adhere to these expectations, I was flooded with intense feelings of shame and guilt. The fear of divine punishment and the belief that I am inherently flawed was overwhelming, leading in my case to anxiety. (you can read more about that by clicking HERE)

The constant internal battle between who I am and who I was expected to be took a toll on my mental and emotional health. It became a struggle to find my own identity and voice within the constraints of imposed shame. The demoralizing sight of church leaders saying one thing and acting in a different way, while simultaneously attempting to shame congregants, only intensified my frustration. The constant fear of judgment and rejection from my religious community created a sense of anticipatory shame. Yet contradiction between the preached ideals and the hypocrisy of those in positions of authority eroded my faith and trust.

Instead of creating a loving and compassionate connection with the divine, teachings that use shame as a tool can create a distorted perception of a punishing higher power. The belief that you are inherently flawed and deserving of punishment tarnishes the understanding of spirituality and hinders the development of a genuine and meaningful relationship with God.

Another aspect of weaponized shame is the use of public humiliation or exclusion to enforce conformity. This culture of fear instills a constant need to conform, suppressing true beliefs and identity out of the fear of shame and rejection. It becomes a tricky balance between being authentic and adhering to the expectations set by the community. I have witnessed individuals being publicly shamed or ostracized within the religious community for deviating from group norms and teachings. For instance, women being publicly shamed in front of the church for becoming pregnant without being married, even though there is no male partner present to share the shame. (While I have very strong feelings about the public shaming of unmarried pregnant women, I will not get into the discussion of that today.)

Church discipline, as mentioned in the Bible (Matthew 18:15-17), addresses unrepentant, serious sin within the Christian community. The focus is on restoration and reconciliation rather than shame or punishment. It seeks to guide individuals towards recognizing their actions, seeking repentance, and encourage healing and grace within the community.

Women are often shamed and preached to about the importance of dressing modestly, while simultaneously being chastised for causing men to stumble due to their mere physical presence. Ironically, the men who criticize them are often not prioritizing modesty in the way they are living their own lives. It is important to note that modesty encompasses much more than just a woman’s choice of clothing. Living a life of modesty involves embracing simplicity, humility, and contentment, valuing inner qualities over material possessions, and showing respect and consideration for others in all aspects of one’s actions and interactions. (Might I also point out Matthew 5:29: “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”)

I am not condoning or encouraging wrong behavior, but using shame as a way of control or punishment is harmful and damaging to one’s well-being and sense of self-worth. It can lead to long-lasting emotional scars and prevent open and honest communication, hindering personal growth. Using shame as a tool of control or punishment can have negative effects on both the individuals subjected to it and the group employing it. It can lead to a lack of trust and division within the group, while hindering compassion and empathy. Additionally, the group might struggle to have genuine connections among its members due to fear of shame being used against them.

It is important to acknowledge that not all religious communities engage in weaponized shame. Some emphasize compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance. Sharing experiences and challenging the harmful effects of weaponized shame can contribute to the creation of religious spaces that uplift and inspire people, nurturing their spiritual well-being. However, when shame is used as a tool of control and manipulation, it has severe negative consequences.

weaponized shame | lookingjoligood.blog

The Holy Spirit serves as a guiding presence in our lives, functioning as our conscience. It is through the Holy Spirit that we receive conviction and guidance regarding our thoughts, actions, and decisions. While shame can be a powerful emotion, it is important to discern whether it stems from the Holy Spirit’s gentle conviction or from manipulative tactics of the church or others. If we do not feel genuine shame from the Holy Spirit, we should not allow the church leaders or religious institutions or others to manipulate us into feeling shame. Instead, we should seek a deeper understanding of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness, and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us in righteousness, free from undue manipulation or spiritual harm.

Romans 8:1-2 “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”

This verse emphasizes that as believers in Christ, we are set free from condemnation. The Holy Spirit guides us into a life-giving relationship with Jesus, freeing us from the power of sin and any false shame associated with it.

Galatians 5:1 “So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.”

This verse encourages believers to embrace the freedom found in Christ and to guard against being burdened by legalistic rules and regulations. It reminds us that true freedom in Christ includes freedom from manipulative spiritual practices or unnecessary shame. The entire book of Galatians speaks about grace and freedom from shame and legalism.

1 John 2:27 “But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what he teaches is true—it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ.”

This verse reminds us that as believers, we have received the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. The Holy Spirit teaches us what is true, and we can rely on the Spirit’s guidance without needing others to manipulate or shame us spiritually.

There are several more Bible verses that speak to the issue of shame and the importance of finding healing and freedom from it. Here are a few examples:

Psalm 25:3: “No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.”

Psalm 34:4-5: “”I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.”

Isaiah 61:7: “Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”

Romans 9:33: “For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord. ‘Instead, I will bless you.'”

Romans 10:11 – “As the Scriptures tell us, ‘Anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.'”

2 Corinthians 5:17: “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”

1 Peter 2:6: “As the Scriptures say, ‘I am placing a cornerstone in Jerusalem, chosen for great honor, and anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.'”

1 Peter 4:16: “But it is no shame to suffer for being a Christian. Praise God for the privilege of being called by his name!”

By acknowledging the harmful impact of weaponized shame and striving to create supportive environments, we can contribute to a more compassionate and inclusive society. In such a setting, individuals can thrive and grow without the burden of shame holding them back.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.

Want more information about weaponized shame? Here are some references:

Shame Resilience Theory by Brené Brown: This theory explains how shame can be managed and overcome. Brown argues that shame resilience is essential for living a healthy and fulfilling life. https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/shame-resilience-theory/

“The Weaponization of Shame” by Cathy O’Neil: This book explores how shame is being used as a tool of control and manipulation in the digital age. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/606203/the-shame-machine-by-cathy-oneil/

“How To Deal with Shame” by Psychology Today: This article provides tips on how to identify and resist weaponized shame. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/202109/how-deal-shame

“Shame Resilience: How to Overcome Shame and Build Self-Esteem” by Psych Central: This article provides an overview of shame resilience theory and how to develop it. https://psychcentral.com/lib/breaking-the-cycle-of-shame-and-self-destructive-behavior

Using Shame as a Weapon: Does it Work? by Tim Hill “The risk in using shame as a weapon is not that it won’t work, but that it will. Shame suppresses, contracts, limits and weakens the person who is shamed.”http://timhillpsychotherapy.com/shame-as-a-weapon/

I hope these resources are helpful!

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Disclaimer…

disclaimer | lookingjoligood.blog

You might have noticed that I’ve been adding disclaimers to many of my recent posts. Maybe you’re wondering why I’m doing this? Well, let me explain…

The simple explanation: as I write my posts, I often feel the need to include disclaimers. I believe this stems from my upbringing in a culture that heavily emphasizes black and white thinking. So, whenever I express my opinions or share my experiences, I can’t help but feel the pressure to add disclaimers, fearing that my words might be misunderstood or judged harshly.

The longer explanation: In the past, I used to try and soften my statements or preface them with caveats, hoping to avoid coming across as too assertive or confrontational. It was a way for me to protect myself from potential criticism or backlash, but it also made me hesitant about expressing my true thoughts and feelings.

disclaimer | lookingjoligood.blog

Having been in an environment where individuality and diverse perspectives were not openly encouraged also played a significant role. I often felt that having a differing opinion automatically meant I was wrong, rather than something to be discussed or explored. I had internalized the belief that my opinions and experiences need positive validation or justification from others in the group.

However, as I have gained more self-awareness, I’m starting to understand how this pattern impacted my communication style. I have realized that constantly seeking validation has limited my ability to express myself authentically. While it is nice to be validated, it’s essential for me to strike a balance between respecting others’ viewpoints and staying true to my own.

I also believe the use of disclaimers can be a valuable communication tool. They help enhance clarity in my messages, ensuring that my intentions are properly understood by others. By providing context and setting the stage for my thoughts and ideas, disclaimers enable readers to interpret my words in the intended light.

Moreover, adding disclaimers allows me to encourage respectful discussions and welcome diverse perspectives. I hope that it shows that I am open to different viewpoints and willing to engage in constructive conversations. I want to create a place for sharing ideas without fear of judgment or criticism.

disclaimer | lookingjoligood.blog

Transparency is another aspect that disclaimers offer. By acknowledging any biases or limitations in my understanding, I am trying to build trust and credibility with you, my audience. Disclaimers demonstrate a sense of responsibility in my communication. They show that I am mindful of the potential impact my words may have on others and that I take responsibility for the content I share.

So while this post is basically a disclaimer of in itself, here is a disclaimer for this post:

Disclaimer: As I share my thoughts and opinions, I want to acknowledge that I am constantly growing and learning. My views may evolve over time, and I aim to approach discussions with an open mind and a compassionate attitude towards others. I believe in creating a respectful and understanding environment where diverse perspectives are welcome. Therefore, the ideas expressed here reflect my current understanding, but I am open to gaining new insights and embracing positive change. Though I may not necessarily agree with the opinions of others, I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own perspective. I don’t want my words to hurt anyone even if we have differing opinions and views.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Want a little more insight as to why I feel like I need to add disclaimers? Read more about my choice to find a more gracious and loving spiritual environment by clicking HERE

This post will tell you a bit more about how going to church each week gave me anxiety, click HERE to read more.

Maybe you are interested in learning more about the environment where individuality and diverse perspectives were discouraged, click HERE

Click HERE to read more about my upbringing in a culture that heavily emphasizes black and white thinking

Lifestyle

The Consequences of Being Forced to Make Black and White Choices in a World of Filled with Gray Nuance

black and white | lookingjoligood.blog

Abstract/TL;DR: Growing up in a fundamentalist background, I experienced firsthand how it limits critical thinking and embraces a black and white worldview. Nuance and diverse perspectives are discouraged, leading to divisiveness and a lack of empathy. Breaking free from this mindset requires courage and openness to explore complexities and adopt diverse ideas. Letting go of rigid beliefs allows for personal growth and a deeper understanding of the complexity of the world and human experience. Expecting the world to be black and white is an easy way out of thinking that requires little critical thought. Embracing nuance is a continuous process of unlearning and seeking diverse perspectives.

I grew up in a religion full of us vs them. The saved vs the unsaved, Christians vs worldly people. Pro-Life vs Pro-choice. Republicans vs Democrats. Our church versus other denominations. This upbringing in a fundamentalist background showed me firsthand how it rejects any semblance of nuance. The rigid beliefs and dogmas that permeate every aspect of life leave little room for questioning or exploring alternative perspectives. In this environment, the world is viewed through a narrow lens, where everything is distilled into absolutes of right and wrong, good and evil.

Within this framework of thinking, complexity is reduced to simplistic black and white choices, and any shades of gray are dismissed as moral compromises or signs of weakness. Expecting the world to be black and white is a simplistic easy way out of thinking that requires little critical thinking. The fear of straying from the prescribed path, of entertaining doubt or ambiguity, is ingrained deeply.

This lack of nuance has far-reaching consequences. It fosters an “us versus them” mentality, creating an environment of divisiveness and judgment. Dissenting voices or differing beliefs are seen as threats rather than opportunities for introspection and growth. The subtleties of human experience are brushed aside in favor of strict adherence to a predetermined set of beliefs.

Instead of seeking to understand others, there is a tendency to label and dismiss those who hold different viewpoints. This closed-mindedness not only isolates individuals from diverse perspectives but also limits their own understanding of the world.

break free | lookingjoligood.blog

Breaking free from this black and white thought pattern requires a willingness to challenge deeply ingrained beliefs. It involves recognizing that the world is more nuanced and complex than what was once thought. It means embracing the uncertainty and exploring the shades of gray that exist between the rigid boundaries.

A nuanced perspective recognizes that faith and doctrine can withstand scrutiny. Questioning and seeking understanding strengthen true faith, leading to a deeper, more genuine belief that can endure challenges. Welcoming scrutiny enriches our spiritual foundation rather than weakening it. If faith and doctrine cannot withstand being scrutinized, they need to be reevaluated.

Reclaiming nuance necessitates engaging in self-reflection and actively seeking out diverse perspectives. It involves questioning the narratives that were once unquestionable and being open to the possibility of growth and change. It requires cultivating empathy and compassion, understanding that people’s experiences and journeys differ, and that it is through listening and understanding that true connection can be created.

A move towards accepting nuance may be daunting. It is an ongoing process of unlearning and reevaluating, breaking free from the constraints of extreme terms, and embracing the beauty and complexity of the human experience. Expecting the world to be black and white is a simplistic easy way out of thinking that requires little critical thinking, and it’s essential to challenge ourselves to move beyond this binary mindset and accept the richness of diverse perspectives and ideas.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.

Lifestyle

Give Yourself Permission to Break Free From Relationships That are Weighing You Down

Abstract/TL;DR: It’s important to recognize when relationships are negatively impacting our well-being and to grant ourselves permission to break free. Letting go of toxic relationships creates space for positive energy and personal growth. Prioritizing our own well-being and happiness is not a failure but a courageous act of growth.

In life, we often find ourselves entangled in relationships that have an impact on our well-being. Some connections bring joy, support, and growth, while others can leave us feeling drained, stuck, and even worse about ourselves. It is during these moments that we need to grant ourselves the permission to break free. We need to recognize that we have the power to step away from relationships that are weighing us down, hindering our personal growth, or perpetuating negativity.

I’ve learned the hard way that it’s important to recognize when certain people or groups consistently make me feel worse about myself. It’s during those times that I need to reevaluate where I invest my time and energy.

Letting go can be daunting, even seemingly unattainable at times. But I can say with certainty, based on my own experiences, that while it is undeniably challenging, it is incredibly worth it. When I finally mustered the courage to distance myself from toxic relationships, a weight was lifted off my shoulders!

I realized that I was allowing these negative influences to hold me back, to prevent me from reaching my true potential. By breaking free, I created space in my life for positive energy and growth. It wasn’t easy, and there were moments of doubt and loneliness along the way. But the freedom and self-empowerment I gained far outweighed any temporary discomfort.

I realized that I deserved to be around people who uplifted me, supported my dreams, and made me feel good about myself. Those toxic relationships were like anchors, dragging me down. Letting go allowed me to soar and explore new horizons.

It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. It’s okay to prioritize your own happiness. It’s okay to let go of relationships that no longer serve you. Breaking free is not a failure; it’s a courageous act of self- love, growth and preservation.

So, give yourself permission to break free. Take that first step towards liberation, it will be a hard daunting journey that is worth taking. Embrace the unknown and trust that the journey towards a more fulfilling positive life is worth it.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Break free from chains that hold you tight,
Embrace liberation, embrace the light.
Give yourself permission to soar and thrive,
Release what weighs you down, come alive.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

The Perceived Reality of the Shadows on the Cave Wall

Abstract/TL;DR: Discovering Plato’s Cave was an eye-opening experience for me. The allegory perfectly mirrored my journey of leaving the IFB community. Just like the person leaving the cave, I stepped into the sunlight of new ideas and perspectives, broadening my understanding of the world. Leaving the familiar was challenging but liberating, and it taught me the importance of questioning, seeking knowledge, and being open to change. Embracing this journey has been rewarding and eye-opening.

interior of a cave with rock formations | lookingjoligood.blog

After yesterday’s heavy topic of abuse and spiritual manipulation, I want to discuss something a bit lighter today.

A few years ago I was having a conversation with someone that I respect, they were explaining to me the philosophical concept called “Plato’s Cave,” and let me tell you, it opened my eyes! You know, sometimes you come across ideas that resonate so deeply with your own experiences, and that’s exactly what happened to me when I heard about it.

Let me break it down for you the way that I understand it… Imagine there’s this group of people living in a dark cave, and they’ve been there their entire lives. The only thing they can see are the shadows dancing on the cave wall, which are actually just reflections of objects outside the cave. They have no knowledge of the real world because they’ve never seen it firsthand. It’s all they know, so they accept the shadows as their reality.

One of these cave people decides to face their fears of what is beyond and leaves the cave. They step into the sunlight and see the world outside for the first time. They’re exposed to the beauty of nature, the vastness of the landscape, and the wonders of the real world. This person’s perception of reality changes completely.

What struck me is how closely this parallels my own journey of leaving the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community. I was brought up in a highly conservative and sheltered environment, where certain beliefs and practices were unquestionably accepted as truth. I had been living in my own version of the cave, only seeing shadows of what the world could be like.

But life has its way of nudging you towards the truth. For me, it was a gradual process of questioning and seeking knowledge outside of the bubble I was in. I started to read books, explore different perspectives, and engage in conversations with people from diverse backgrounds while keeping an open mind. It was like stepping into the sunlight, my mind opening up to new ideas and concepts.

Just like the person who left the cave, my perception of reality shifted dramatically. I realized that there was so much more to the world than what I had been taught. Leaving the IFB community meant breaking away from the familiar and venturing into the unknown, but it also meant embracing a broader, more inclusive view of the world.

Now, I don’t want to paint an entirely negative picture of my past. The IFB community provided me with a strong sense of community, and I met many kind and well-intentioned people there. However, it became evident that there were limitations to the beliefs and practices I had grown up with.

The concept of Plato’s Cave taught me the importance of questioning, seeking knowledge, and being open to change. It’s not always easy to leave the comfort of our caves, but doing so can lead to a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. It’s been an eye-opening experience, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to see the world in a new light.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Love and Life

Abuse of Power Dynamics and Spiritual Manipulation at Places of Worship

Abstract/TL;DR: Power dynamics in churches can influence interactions and decisions within the community. When power is misused, it can lead to negative actions and behaviors, including spiritual manipulation and abuse. Victims may hesitate to speak out due to fear and the culture of secrecy within the church. Recognizing and addressing power dynamics, manipulation, and abuse is essential for creating safe and supportive church communities that prioritize the well-being of all members. Restoring the true values and teachings of love and respect is crucial for healing and justice.

*Please note the disclaimer below

Content WarningI may not cover all of these things in detail, you might feel triggered by the content of this post.
CW: religious trauma, spiritual abuse, physical abuse, SA, guilt and shame, emotional manipulation, loss of community, and fear of rejection

Whether we are discussing the Catholic church, Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill, Bill Gothard and the ILBP, the Southern Baptist Convention, or any one of the several Hillsong church scandals, or, in my experience, within the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) religious institution, it is unfortunate that the subject of church leaders abusing their congregants has become so prevalent in the news.

Let’s start by talking about what power dynamics mean: Power dynamics determine who has power and control in relationships and social settings. Understanding them helps us see how power affects interactions and decisions. It shows how power can be used positively or negatively and its impact on individuals and communities.

In a church, power dynamics also involve spiritual control and authority. Leaders like pastors or priests hold significant power, making important decisions and guiding the church. Other influential people within the church community may include board members, deacons, elders, and Sunday school teachers. Power distribution can vary among churches, with some emphasizing equal sharing of power among members and others having a more centralized power structure.

Power dynamics in churches can be complex and complicated. While not all churches operate in the same way, I can share from my personal experience that power dynamics within a churches can sometimes lead to negative actions and behaviors, especially when combined with spiritual manipulation. This occurs when individuals in positions of authority misuse their power to control or exploit others. They may manipulate religious beliefs, practices, or teachings to influence people’s thoughts, actions, or emotions for their own benefit.

This behavior is deeply concerning because it not only affects people’s emotional well-being but also undermines the trust we place in the church, and the very foundation of our faith and belief system. When power is misused in this way, it can create confusion, guilt, and even lead to the loss of faith for some individuals.

In some cases, power dynamics within the church can discourage questioning or challenging authority, creating an environment where abusive behavior can occur. Perpetrators may exploit their position of authority to exert control over others, enabling them to engage in abusive actions. Victims often hesitate to speak out or report the abuse due to fears of potential consequences, such as social exclusion or disbelief. This fear-induced silence allows the abusers to continue their harmful behavior without facing accountability.

The power imbalance exacerbates the potential for abuse, as victims may feel intimidated or believe it is inappropriate to question those in positions of power. Abusers may distort or misuse religious teachings to justify their abusive actions or manipulate victims into compliance. They might manipulate religious beliefs, such as emphasizing forgiveness or submission, to silence victims or discourage them from seeking help.

Power imbalances can lead to a culture of secrecy and protection within the church. Leaders or community members might prioritize maintaining the reputation of the church or protecting the abuser over the well-being and safety of victims. This can prevent the disclosure of abuse and hinder the process of seeking justice.

Though it is important to note that not all religious leaders are abusers, the actions of those who engage in abusive behavior can unfortunately tarnish the reputation of the entire community.

In my experience within IFB religious institutions, I have witnessed how power dynamics can have detrimental effects. Within the church hierarchy, certain individuals hold positions of authority and control, which can lead to a misuse of power. This manipulation can result in hurt and harm to those within the community. For instance, I have seen church leaders use their authority to silence dissenting voices, discourage critical thinking, and enforce strict legalistic adherence to their interpretations of doctrine. This not only stifles individual autonomy but also creates an environment where questioning or expressing concerns is discouraged. As a result, manipulation and hurt can thrive, leaving many feeling marginalized and voiceless within the community they once trusted.

One significant issue I’ve observed is the breach of confidentiality within trusted counseling relationships. It is disheartening to witness people who are sought for guidance and support betray the trust placed in them by sharing confidential information. This breach of confidentiality not only undermines the sense of safety and privacy that should accompany counseling, but also leads to a breakdown in trust within the community. Such actions further perpetuate a cycle of manipulation, hurt, and a reluctance to seek help when it is truly needed. It is imperative that religious institutions emphasize and uphold the ethical standards of confidentiality, ensuring that individuals can confide in trusted counselors and leaders without fear of their personal struggles being divulged to others.

Recognizing and addressing power dynamics, spiritual manipulation, and abuse within religious institutions is crucial for fostering healthy, inclusive, and supportive communities. We need to create places where everyone feels safe to talk about their concerns and hold leaders responsible, and prioritize the well-being and integrity of everyone in the church community.

We should always focus on taking care of each other and treating everyone with respect. By shining a light on these problems, we can work towards healing, justice, and a restoration of the true values and teachings that are supposed to guide us, such as the greatest commandment to love God and love others as ourselves.

If you or someone you know is experiencing physical or sexual abuse, please reach out for help. There are organizations and helplines dedicated to providing support, guidance, and resources to those in need. No one should have to endure abuse, and seeking assistance is a crucial step towards safety and healing.

Click HERE for a list of helpful resources.

Help! | lookingjoligood.blog

resources for assistance with abuse.

Here are a few of the most well-known organizations and helplines:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline): 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) 800.799.SAFE (7233)

Childhelp USA (Childhelp): 1-800-422-4453

The National Human Trafficking Hotline (NHTH): 1-888-373-7888

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC): 1-800-THE-LOST (843-5678)

If you have access to a SAFE computer:

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) https://www.thehotline.org/ provides information and resources on domestic violence, including a state-by-state directory of domestic violence organizations.

Internet usage can be monitored and is impossible to erase completely. If you’re concerned your internet usage might be monitored, call them at 800.799.SAFE (7233). Learn more about digital security and remember to clear your browser history after visiting their website.

The National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC) provides information and resources on a variety of crime victim issues, including physical and sexual abuse. https://victimsofcrime.org/

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) https://www.rainn.org/ also has a number of online resources, including a chat hotline, a library of information, and a blog.

These are just a few of the many organizations and helplines that can provide support to victims of physical and sexual abuse.

In addition to these organizations, there are also many local resources available. You can contact your local police department, hospital, or mental health clinic for more information. If you have access to a safe computer you can also search online for “domestic violence resources” or “sexual assault resources” in your area.

You are not alone. There are people who care about you and want to help. Please reach out for help if you are being abused.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.

References

Abuser database. (n.d.). https://www.preacherboyspodcast.com/abuser-database#Australia

DeGroat, C. (2022). When narcissism comes to church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. InterVarsity Press.

Lucey, C. (2021). What is Spiritual Abuse and How Do We Recognize It? Christianity.com. https://www.christianity.com/wiki/church/what-does-spiritual-abuse-within-a-church-look-like.html

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Question Everything

Abstract/TL;DR: I believe there is no limit to asking questions, as curiosity fuels growth and understanding. In the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community, questioning was discouraged, often met with appeals to blind faith. This environment hindered intellectual growth and limited different perspectives. Some leaders positioned themselves as unquestionable authorities, dismissing inquiries. Challenging these patterns and embracing a culture of inquiry is vital for personal and societal advancement. Asking questions demonstrates a thirst for knowledge and contributes to personal growth and collective progress.

After a twenty-year break, I recently returned to graduate school, and I’ve found that my curiosity and desire to learn have only grown stronger over the years. Throughout my studies, I consistently have follow-up questions and actively seek clarifying answers. I believe that questioning is vital for personal growth and a deeper understanding of the subject matter.

While those who are in class with me may disagree, I firmly believe that there is no such thing as asking too many questions. Curiosity and inquiry are essential for growth, learning, and understanding. When we question, we challenge the norm, expand our knowledge, and gain new perspectives.

If someone tells you to stop questioning or discourages your curiosity, it is even more important to challenge that notion. Suppressing questions can hinder critical thinking and progress. It is through questioning that we uncover hidden truths, discover innovative solutions, and challenge outdated beliefs.

During my time in the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community, I experienced firsthand the discouragement of questioning. When I sought answers or raised thought-provoking inquiries, I often encountered responses that dismissed my concerns by simply urging blind faith. Instead of engaging in critical conversations or providing meaningful explanations, the emphasis by the leadership was placed on suppressing doubts and accepting doctrine without question. I was told to, “Pray about it.” or “Just have faith.” Both are important concepts, but they cannot stand in the place of finding answers through critical thinking.

This oppressive environment prevented intellectual growth and hindered the exploration of different perspectives. It was a reminder of the importance of challenging such responses and advocating for open dialogue, where questions are embraced rather than silenced, and faith can be accompanied by a deeper understanding. If your faith and doctrine cannot withstand scrutiny, then it might be worth reconsidering the foundation upon which they stand. True faith is strengthened by questioning and seeking understanding, not by suppressing doubts or avoiding critical examination. Embracing scrutiny can lead to a deeper, more genuine faith that stands firm even in the face of challenges.

I also observed in the IFB community a pattern where leaders positioned themselves as authorities who possessed all the answers, discouraging any form of questioning. It was disheartening to witness their reluctance to engage in meaningful dialogue and their insistence on maintaining an unquestionable stance. What struck me particularly was when a young man, barely out of college at the age of 23, was hired and entrusted with providing advice to individuals much older and more experienced. (This is not an uncommon practice in IBF communities all around the country, and even the world) The lack of life experience was evident, yet he assumed a position of authority without room for questions or dissent. This dynamic highlighted the importance of critical thinking and the necessity to challenge leadership when their expertise and life experiences may be limited or incomplete.

When faced with resistance to questions, it becomes necessary to push further and seek answers. It is an opportunity to challenge assumptions, spark meaningful discussions, and create a culture of intellectual curiosity. Embracing a mindset of relentless inquiry allows us to challenge the norm, break barriers, and make positive advancements in various aspects of life. Never be afraid to ask questions, even when faced with resistance. Challenge those who discourage inquiry and embrace the power of curiosity. By doing so, you contribute to your own personal growth and the advancement of society as a whole.

Asking questions is not a sign of weakness or ignorance; rather, it demonstrates a thirst for knowledge and a desire for deeper understanding. By encouraging a free exchange of ideas and a willingness to explore the unknown, we can create an environment where innovation thrives and progress flourishes.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Disclaimer: While I have discussed experiences within the IFB community, it is important to note that not all leaders encountered in this context were adverse to questions. I recognize that there are diverse individuals and leadership styles within any community or organization, including the IFB. It is possible to encounter leaders who are open to dialogue, value critical thinking, and encourage questioning. The reflections shared are based on personal experiences and observations, and they may not reflect the entirety of the IFB or the experiences of others within the community. It is essential to approach any generalizations with an open mind and to engage in respectful and nuanced conversations when discussing specific leaders and contexts.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Transformed Beliefs Transformed Thinking

Abstract/TL;DR: Leaving the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) movement not only changed my beliefs but also transformed my thought process. It broadened my perspective, encouraged critical thinking, and fostered empathy and intellectual humility. It liberated me from rigid doctrine and allowed me to engage with diverse viewpoints. It was a journey of growth and discovery that continues to shape the way I think.

Leaving the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) movement wasn’t simply a change in my beliefs; it transformed the very way I think. Growing up in the IFB, my worldview was shaped by its teachings, doctrines, and practices. But as I ventured beyond those familiar boundaries, my perspective broadened, and new avenues of understanding opened up.

pink pencil on open bible page and pink | lookingjoligood.blog

The choice to distance myself from the IFB challenged me to question everything I had been taught. It required me to critically examine my beliefs, scrutinize their origins, and evaluate them in light of new information and perspectives. It was a process of intellectual liberation, breaking free from the confines of rigid doctrine and embracing a more nuanced, thoughtful approach to faith and life.

No longer bound by a narrow set of prescribed ideas, I began to explore diverse viewpoints and engage with different theological, philosophical, and social perspectives. It was liberating to realize that I could think for myself, weigh evidence, consider different interpretations, and arrive at my own conclusions. Did this happen overnight? Not at all! I has been a slow and purposeful process.

Leaving the IFB not only broadened my intellectual horizons, but it also increased my compassion. I discovered the value of listening to others, understanding their experiences, and appreciating the diversity of human thought and belief. It enabled me to engage in meaningful dialogue, seek common ground, and embrace a more inclusive and accepting mindset.

Leaving the IFB created a sense of intellectual humility. It taught me that certainty is not always attainable and that honest questioning and wrestling with complex issues is a natural part of growth and understanding. I learned to be willing to reassess and adapt as new insights emerge.

In the end, leaving the IFB wasn’t just a shift in doctrine; it has been a transformation of my entire thought process. It liberated me from the constraints of narrow-mindedness, encouraged me to explore new ideas, and cultivated a greater appreciation for intellectual curiosity and empathy. It has been a journey of growth and introspection—a journey that continues to shape and reshape the way I think and engage with the world around me.

Laura lookingjoligood.wordpress.com