“Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outside.”
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of looking at other people’s lives and thinking they have it all together, that everything is perfect for them, and that we somehow fall short in comparison. But the truth is, we often see only what others choose to show us – their “outside” or public face. We rarely get to see the struggles, doubts, and insecurities that go on inside.
We all have our inner battles, our moments of self-doubt, and our personal challenges. It’s a part of being human. So, when we start comparing our own struggles and inner feelings to someone else’s seemingly perfect exterior, we’re not playing a fair game.
Social media, for example, is often just a highlight reel of people’s lives. It’s where they showcase the best moments and hide the rest. But behind those curated posts are real, complex people facing their own set of hurdles, feelings and struggles.
It’s important to be kind to yourself and recognize that you’re doing the best you can with the hand you’ve been dealt. Your life is uniquely yours, and it’s filled with experiences that make you who you are. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you see someone else’s seemingly perfect life. They have their own struggles, insecurities and imperfections too, even if they’re not on display.
In the end, focus on your own progress, your own growth, and your own path. Comparison rarely brings happiness; it often leads to unnecessary stress and anxiety. Embrace your uniqueness, and remember that it’s perfectly okay to have your own set of ups and downs. You are who you are supposed to be just the way you are.
The familiar adage, “Don’t throw good money after bad,” often transcends its financial origins, it extends to our emotional, mental, and spiritual investments too. It offers a simple yet profound lesson that applies to various aspects of life. It particularly resonates when contemplating the decision to remain in a controlling and toxic environment. In this context, the wisdom behind this saying encourages us to reevaluate our commitment to situations that offer little, if any, positive outcomes. When we find ourselves trapped in such an environment, whether it’s a toxic relationship, a stifling community, or an oppressive workplace, the temptation to stay, hoping things will change, can be powerful yet detrimental.
At first, it might seem like sticking it out is the right thing to do, especially if we’ve invested so much of ourselves – our time, energy, and emotions – into it. We believe that if we just try a little harder, endure a little longer, or give it one more chance, things will improve. It’s a natural human inclination to hold onto what we’ve already invested in, fearing that walking away means admitting defeat or failure.
However, as time goes on, we often realize that our investment of “good” – our well-being, peace of mind, and happiness – is only leading to diminishing returns. The toxic environment continues to drain us, leaving us feeling depleted and disheartened. We begin to see that no amount of “good” we pour into it can change the fundamentally toxic nature of the situation.
In such moments, we need to remind ourselves of the wisdom behind the phrase “Don’t throw good money after bad.” It’s a call to recognize when it’s time to cut our losses and redirect our resources, including our most precious ones – our time and emotional energy, towards something that truly nourishes our well-being and personal growth.
In my own personal situation growing up within the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) movement, I initially found comfort in its doctrines and sense of tight knit community. However, as I grew older, I couldn’t ignore the emotional toll it was taking on me. The stifling environment discouraged questions and critical thinking, encouraging control and judgment. The easy thing to do would have been to stay and continue to hope that things would change, or perpetuating the belief that I was deeply flawed, at fault, and needed to change.
Over time, I realized that my continued involvement in that community was akin to throwing “good money” in the form of my time, energy, and emotional well-being “after bad.” The emotional burden of living in a controlling and toxic environment was becoming overwhelming. Leaving that church and way of thinking meant departing from the community I had known for years. Leaving was a necessary step to regain my personal freedom and emotional well-being. In retrospect, the decision to leave was essential for my mental and emotional health, allowing me to explore my faith and values in a more authentic and fulfilling way.
Staying in a toxic environment, hoping it will transform, can be a futile endeavor. It’s not about giving up; it’s about choosing to invest in ourselves, our happiness, and our future rather than continuing to throw “good” into something that’s fundamentally “bad” for us.
Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal experiences and perspective. I am not an expert, but I was part of a high demand community for the majority of my life. I acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving path, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
Few things frustrate me more than encountering people who refuse to take accountability for their actions, even when they are clearly in the wrong. In today’s society, it seems all too common for people to shift blame onto others or external factors rather than owning up to their mistakes. Through personal experience, I’ve come to realize the significance of accepting responsibility for myself and my actions.
There’s a certain integrity and maturity in admitting when we’ve made a mistake or caused harm. It shows a willingness to learn and grow from our experiences. However, when individuals deflect responsibility, it not only perpetuates a cycle of dishonesty but also undermines trust and damages relationships.
Accepting responsibility is about more than just admitting fault; it’s about taking proactive steps to make amends and prevent similar mistakes in the future. It requires humility and self-awareness to acknowledge our shortcomings and the impact of our actions on others.
Moreover, embracing accountability fosters personal growth and empowerment. When we take ownership of our choices, we reclaim agency over our lives and become active participants in shaping our destinies. Instead of being at the mercy of external circumstances or blaming others for our misfortunes, we recognize our capacity to effect change and strive to do better.
Here are some insights I’ve gained about assuming responsibility for myself.
Self-reflection: Taking responsibility involves honestly assessing your role in the situations that are holding you back. It requires self-awareness and the willingness to acknowledge your mistakes, shortcomings, and areas for growth.
Ownership: When you take responsibility for your actions, you empower yourself to make positive changes. Instead of blaming external factors or other people for your circumstances, you focus on what you can control and take proactive steps to improve your situation.
Learn from mistakes: Accepting responsibility allows you to learn from your mistakes and use them as opportunities for growth. Instead of dwelling on past failures or shortcomings, you can extract valuable lessons that help you make better choices in the future.
Empowerment: By taking responsibility for your actions, you reclaim your power and agency. You no longer feel like a victim of circumstances but rather a capable individual who can create positive change in your life.
Commitment to change: Being willing to change means being open to new ideas, perspectives, and behaviors. It requires humility and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone in order to grow and evolve as a person.
Adaptability: Change is often uncomfortable and requires effort, but being willing to change allows you to adapt to new circumstances and overcome obstacles more effectively. It enables you to let go of old habits, beliefs, and patterns that are no longer serving you.
Personal growth: Embracing change as a necessary part of personal growth and development opens up new possibilities and opportunities for self-improvement. It allows you to explore your potential and become the best version of yourself.
In a world where accountability often seems scarce, being someone who takes responsibility for their actions can set you apart. It demonstrates integrity, reliability, and a commitment to ethical conduct. By embodying these qualities, we not only elevate ourselves but also contribute to a more honest and trustworthy society.
In conclusion, while it can be frustrating to witness others shirking accountability, I’ve learned firsthand the importance of accepting responsibility for myself and my actions. It’s a fundamental aspect of personal growth and integrity, essential for creating trust, building relationships, and being a positive change in the world.
Disclaimer:The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal experiences and perspective. I am not an expert, but I was part of a high demand community for the majority of my life. I acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving path, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
Five years ago, I was drowning in a toxic environment that suffocated my mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. The negativity and toxicity were like chains, binding me to a life of self-inflicted misery. I felt trapped and out of control! I wanted to feel better, but nothing I was doing seemed to help. I reached a breaking point and that is when I knew it was time to make a life changing choice to break free, to heal, and to thrive. I realized it was time to leave the toxic environment that was making me sick.
Making significant changes in my life, I let go of what was holding me back and embraced a new way of living, a new way of thinking. Once I made those drastic changes I realized just how much that previous environment was negatively affecting me. I now choose to surround myself with positivity, embrace healthy habits, and nurture my mental health and spiritual growth.
Choosing to make those changes wasn’t easy; it required courage, resilience, and determination. Yet, with each step forward, I felt myself becoming lighter, stronger, less anxious, and more alive. I wasn’t just surviving, I was starting to thrive. Now, five years later, I stand in a completely different place—a place of peace, joy, and fulfillment. I’ve learned that you cannot become well in the same toxic environment that was making you sick.
Here are some tips on how to let go of what is holding you back from thriving:
1. Identify the source: Recognize what exactly is holding you back. It could be negative thought patterns, toxic relationships, self-doubt, fear of failure, or past traumas. Understanding the root cause is the first step to overcoming it.
2.Practice self-awareness: Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Notice when you’re feeling stuck or limited by something. Awareness empowers you to take action and make changes.
3.Challenge limiting beliefs: Question the beliefs that are keeping you trapped in a cycle of negativity. Replace them with empowering beliefs that support your growth and well-being.
4.Set boundaries: Learn to say no to things that drain your energy or bring negativity into your life. Set clear boundaries with toxic people or situations and prioritize your own needs and happiness. Be willing to cut ties with relationships that are holding you back.(This is extremely difficult , but absolutely necessary!)
5.Practice forgiveness: Let go of resentment, anger, or grudges that are weighing you down. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the actions of others, but rather releasing yourself from the emotional burden of holding onto past hurt.
6.Focus on what you can control: Instead of dwelling on things outside your control, focus on the actions you can take to move forward. Break your goals into manageable steps and take consistent action towards them. One day at a time makes an enormous difference with consistency!
7.Surround yourself with positivity: Surround yourself with supportive and uplifting people who encourage your growth and well-being. Seek out inspiring books, podcasts, or activities that nourish your mind and spirit.
8.Practice self-care: Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. Make time for activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment. Prioritize self-care as an essential part of your daily routine. Self care is not selfish, it is essential!
9.Seek support: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you’re struggling to let go of what’s holding you back. Whether it’s through therapy, counseling, or talking to a trusted friend or family member, seeking support can provide valuable guidance and perspective. We are not meant to do things alone! A burden shared is a burden lifted. When we open up to others and share our struggles, we allow them to offer support, understanding, and perspective.
10.Celebrate progress: Celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Acknowledge the progress you’ve made and the steps you’ve taken towards letting go of what’s holding you back. Celebrating your victories reinforces positive momentum and motivates you to keep moving forward.
While I was suffocating in that toxic environment I thought that was just how my life was always going to be. Change is scary. The unknown is frightening! I was drained, mental, physical, and spiritually exhausted . Choosing to change required courage and resilience, but through embracing the change, no matter how frightening, and letting go of what held me back, I discovered a newfound sense of peace and fulfillment.
Is my life perfect now? Absolutely not! But I now have equipped myself with better tools to navigate life’s challenges. By equipping myself with these better tools, I am better prepared to face whatever comes my way. While my life may not be perfect, I have learned to embrace imperfection and view challenges as opportunities for growth and learning.
Surrounding myself with positivity and prioritizing my health allowed me to grow stronger and happier. True healing can only happen when we are willing to take that first step towards leaving behind toxic environments and embracing the unknown. Today, I stand as proof that transformation is possible, leading to a brighter future filled with joy and endless possibilities. The temporary discomfort was worthwhile!
Resources that I have found to be helpful:
A book that has been instrumental in helping me set healthy boundaries is incidentally called “Boundaries” written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend. Reading this book was absolutely an eye-opener for me. Their insights and practical advice really resonated with my own experiences, and it helped me see the importance of defining healthy limits in all aspects of my life.
The book highlights the significance of recognizing our personal limits and how it’s okay to say “no” when something doesn’t align with our values or makes us uncomfortable. It gave me the courage to put myself and my family first and prioritize my well-being without feeling guilty about it.
When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Chuck DeGroat. This book explores the issue of narcissism in the church. DeGroat, a counselor who has worked with many victims of narcissistic abuse, argues that narcissism is a growing problem in the church, and that it can have a devastating impact on individuals and communities. 10/10 recommend!
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Disclaimer:The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal experiences and perspective. I am not an expert, but I was part of a high demand community for the majority of my life. I acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving path, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
In a world where kindness is often misconstrued as self-sacrifice and accommodating behavior, the importance of setting boundaries and standing up for oneself cannot be overstated. At times, societal expectations or the fear of disappointing others may tempt us to compromise our own well-being and values. However, learning to assertively define our boundaries is an essential act of self-respect and kindness. By embracing the power of self-advocacy, we not only safeguard our mental and emotional health but also foster authentic connections and cultivate a profound sense of empowerment. In this journey of self-discovery, we come to realize that true kindness starts from within, and honoring our boundaries enables us to navigate life with newfound clarity, strength, and an unwavering sense of self.
Not too long ago, I had a personal experience that taught me the importance of setting boundaries and standing up for myself, even in the face of pressure. A friend approached me to “volunteer” for an event they were organizing, but rather than a sincere request, it felt more like an expectation that I would unquestionably say “yes.”
I found myself torn between my genuine desire to help and a sense of obligation to say “yes.” I didn’t want to disappoint my friend, and I feared being seen as unkind if I declined. However, I also knew that I had other commitments and limited time to spare.
After some internal struggle, I mustered the courage to be honest with my friend. I politely explained that as much as I would love to help, I had prior commitments that made it challenging for me to volunteer for the event.
Instead of understanding my situation, my friend gave me a hard time. They questioned my reasons, trying to guilt-trip me into changing my decision. In that moment, I felt a mix of emotions—guilt, frustration, and a pang of self-doubt. I wondered if I was being selfish for putting my needs first.
But deep down, I knew that setting boundaries and respecting my time and commitments were vital acts of self-care. It was an opportunity for me to practice assertive kindness—to be true to myself while still being compassionate to my friend’s feelings.
In the end, I stood my ground, firmly but kindly reiterating my decision. It wasn’t easy, but it was liberating. I realized that I didn’t need to justify my choices or seek validation from others. My boundaries were valid, and I had every right to honor them without feeling guilty.
This experience was a lesson in self-respect, while also practicing kindness. I learned that setting boundaries is an act of love for myself and a step toward creating healthy and genuine relationships with others.
While I wish my friend had been more understanding, I also recognized that their reaction to my decision was not a reflection of my worth. Sometimes, people might struggle to accept our boundaries because it challenges their expectations. But that should not deter us from being kind to ourselves.
As I reflect on this experience, I feel grateful for the growth it brought me. I know that true kindness begins with respecting ourselves by setting healthy boundaries. It’s okay to say “no” when it aligns with our values and well-being. By doing so, we create space for genuine connections and enriching experiences that honor both ourselves and others.
I few years ago I came across a quote by Ann Voskamp that truly made me pause and reflect: “Façades only end up suffocating us all, it’s only telling the truth that lets you breathe.” This quote reminds me of a verse from the Bible, John 8:32, which states, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
This post is one of the ones I mentioned I began writing years ago, and it remained in my drafts until now. I had so many feelings surrounding the topic of putting up a false façade, yet at the time I didn’t have the words or emotional capacity to fully express what I was thinking and feeling. As with many things, time and distance have helped me work things out.
So, what exactly is a façade? According to the dictionary, it refers to an outward appearance that is carefully maintained to conceal a less pleasant or credible reality. It’s like putting on a mask to hide our true selves. For example, someone might present a flawless public facade while privately experiencing stress and despair.
There are times when it feels easier to hide behind a façade, pretending to be someone we think we should be or trying to impress others. It may seem more convenient to maintain this false front than to embrace our true selves and invest the necessary time and effort to become who we are meant to be. Wearing a mask is easier than exposing oneself to the vulnerability of revealing the cracks and flaws hidden beneath. Sadly, we fool ourselves into thinking that the mask is preferable, and our true self is better off concealed, shielded from the judgment and scrutiny of the outside world.
It is not uncommon to witness a tendency within the church to favor the façades over authentic individuals. In our desire to create an atmosphere of perceived perfection or to uphold certain societal expectations, we often inadvertently encourage a culture of pretense within our faith communities.
This preference for façades can manifest in several ways. First, there is the pressure to maintain a flawless image. Churchgoers may feel compelled to project an image of having it all together, both in their personal lives and in their spiritual walk. This emphasis on outward appearances can lead to a sense of competition or comparison, as people strive to meet the perceived standards set by others. The underlying fear of judgment or rejection can drive people to wear masks, afraid to reveal their true struggles and imperfections, choosing to struggle alone masked by the façade that everything is ok. (I manifest this in my own life by developing high-functioning anxiety and imposter syndrome)
Second, there can be an inclination to prioritize conformity over authenticity. Sometimes, churches intentionally or unintentionally create and encourage an environment that discourages questioning, doubts, or differing perspectives. The focus shifts from genuine engagement with faith and personal growth to conforming to a predetermined mold. As a result, people may suppress their true thoughts, questions, and unique expressions of faith, fearing that they won’t fit into the expected norms.
The church’s preference for façades can lead to a lack of vulnerability and transparency. When people do not feel safe to be authentic, genuine relationships suffer. It becomes challenging to make deep connections and offer support to one another in times of need. The fear of judgment or rejection hinders the growth of an inclusive and compassionate community that accepts and embraces people as they are.
We are told “come as you are,” with the unspoken undercurrent of “as long as you are just like us,” subtly implying that acceptance may be conditional and conformity is the true measure of belonging.
We need to actively resist the tendency to uphold facades. It is only when faith communities make a deliberate effort to cultivate settings that promote authenticity, vulnerability, and acceptance that true progress can unfold. Encouraging individuals to bring their genuine selves, including doubts and struggles, is essential. Recognizing that authentic growth and transformation arise when we embrace vulnerability before God and our community, we must encourage an environment where openness is valued.
Church leaders play a pivotal role in this process by setting an example. They can demonstrate openness about their personal journeys, acknowledging their imperfections, and sharing stories of personal growth and transformation. Through such transparency, leaders contribute to creating an atmosphere where individuals feel empowered to be genuine, fostering a community that thrives on authenticity and mutual support.
We can prioritize meaningful connections and invest in building genuine relationships. This requires active listening, empathy, and creating spaces where individuals can share their joys, struggles, and doubts without fear of judgment. We can start by cultivating a culture of grace and acceptance within our lives and our churches, where people feel safe to be themselves and are met with love and compassion instead of feeling the need to put up a façade.
Disclaimer:The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. I want to acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. However, I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others.
If you haven’t read The Spirit of Fear Part One, please click HERE to start reading there first. Once you have read that you can come back and read Part Two.
Exploring the intricate layers of fear, its origins, and its impact in a religious context required delving into both personal experiences and the communal dynamics of the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church and the community I was a part of. Confronting the Spirit of Fear is a topic that has taken significant introspection and courage to unravel its complexities.
The Bible often speaks of the fear of the Lord. Here are some examples from the King James Version (KJV):
Proverbs 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”
Ecclesiastes 12:13“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.”
Deuteronomy 10:12 “And now, Israel, what doth the Lord thy God require of thee, but to fear the Lord thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul.”
Psalm 111:10 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.”
In the context of these Bible verses, the “fear of the Lord” refers to a deep reverence, awe, and respect for God. It involves acknowledging God’s holiness, power, and authority. This fear is not about being terrified or scared of God in a negative sense, but rather about recognizing His greatness and living in accordance with His commandments. It implies a posture of humility, obedience, and devotion to God’s will. The fear of the Lord is often associated with the beginning of wisdom and knowledge, suggesting that a proper understanding of God is foundational to a life of spiritual insight and understanding.
This reverence, awe, and respect for God is not the type of fear that I am talking about here.
In the Bible, there are instances where God’s wrath is depicted as a response to disobedience, rebellion, or the violation of His commands. Here are a few examples that quickly came to my mind:
The Flood (Genesis 6-8): God, seeing the wickedness of humanity, decided to send a great flood to cleanse the earth. Noah and his family were spared, but the rest of humanity faced death due to God’s judgment.
Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 18-19): Due to the extreme wickedness of these cities, God rained down fire and sulfur, destroying them completely. Lot and his family were the only ones spared. Yet when Lot’s wife looked back she was turned into a pillar of salt. I have often contemplated the idea that, in a similar situation, I would likely turn to look back.
Plagues on Egypt (Exodus 7-12): In response to Pharaoh’s refusal to release the Israelites, God sent a series of plagues, demonstrating His power and demanding obedience. The final plague resulted in the death of the firstborn in every Egyptian household.
Korah’s Rebellion (Numbers 16): Korah, along with others, rebelled against Moses and Aaron’s leadership. In response, God caused the earth to open up and swallow the rebels.
Uzzah and the Ark (2 Samuel 6:1-7): Uzzah touched the Ark of the Covenant when it was being transported, contrary to God’s command. God’s anger burned against Uzzah, and he died instantly as a consequence of his irreverence. (I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about this particular story though out the years. Uzzah, not wanting the Ark to fall disobeyed and reached out and touched it. I too would probably try to help.)
Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1-11): In the early Christian community, Ananias and Sapphira lied about their financial contributions. God’s judgment led to their sudden deaths as a warning to the church about the seriousness of deceit. (How many times have I lied or stretched the truth?!)
These examples illustrate instances where God’s wrath was manifested in response to disobedience, rebellion, or unrepentant sin. And while, as a child and maybe even as an adult, I was terrified that I was going to do something that was going to cause me to die instantly as a consequence of my sin, it’s important to note that these narratives are part of a broader theological understanding of God’s justice and the consequences of human actions.
A wrathful God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, as an expression of His love and mercy. The concept is rooted in the idea that humanity, due to sin, deserved divine punishment or wrath. Instead of condemning humanity, God chose to extend His grace by sending Jesus to bear the consequences of sin on behalf of humanity. Through Jesus’ sacrificial death on the cross God’s justice was satisfied, and a way for reconciliation between God and humanity was established. It reflects the belief in God’s desire for redemption and the offer of salvation through faith in Christ.
So, the question remains, should I be afraid of God?
Growing up, I received mixed messages about fear and love in the context of my faith. While I was told to “fear not” and trust in God’s love, the predominant teachings emphasized the fear of God and the consequences of sin. Despite the reassurance to cast away fear, there was an underlying narrative that positioned God as something to be afraid of – a divine figure ready to mete out judgment for any transgression. The dichotomy between the encouragement to trust and the emphasis on fear created a paradoxical relationship with God, where love and fear seemed intertwined. The conflicting narratives left a lack of understanding of a God who could simultaneously inspire love and evoke such immense fear.
Reflecting on this, it becomes evident that the juxtaposition of messages about God’s love and the fear of His wrath created internal conflict and confusion. This experience underscores the importance of consistency and clarity in religious teachings. It highlights the potential impact of mixed messages on an individual’s perception of faith and their relationship with a higher power. When told to love but simultaneously made to fear, the inherent contradiction can hinder the development of genuine love. Understanding that conflicting narratives can lead to internal struggles emphasizes the need for open dialogue, thoughtful interpretation of religious teachings, and a commitment to create a harmonious understanding of faith. Ultimately, seeking a balanced perspective that allows for both reverence and love in one’s relationship with the divine.
The perspective on fearing God varies among individuals and religious traditions. In a healthy spiritual context, fear of God is often interpreted as awe, reverence, and a deep respect for divine power. It is not meant to instill paralyzing fear but rather to inspire humility and a desire to live in accordance with ethical and spiritual principles.
However, if the fear of God becomes overwhelming, causing anxiety, crushing guilt, or hindering one’s relationship with the divine, it may be beneficial to explore a more balanced understanding of God’s nature, one rooted in love and grace. For me personally focusing on God’s grace helped to contribute to a healthier and more enriching spiritual experience than what I was used to during my time in the IFB. I also found that establishing healthy boundaries that prioritize my mental and emotional well-being involved distancing myself from that toxic environment and some IFB individuals.
I cannot honestly say that there are not times that I still feel afraid of God, but these moments are now intertwined with a growing realization. While reverence for the divine is important, I’ve come to recognize that the fear instilled in me was often rooted in a portrayal of a vengeful and punitive deity. As I navigate my own spirituality , I seek a deeper understanding of God—one that encompasses love, mercy, and grace, allowing me to approach the divine with a reverence that nurtures a relationship built on trust and adoration rather than fear and trepidation.
Disclaimer:It’s important to acknowledge that this is my opinion based on my own life experiences. It’s essential to recognize that not all people within IFB churches function in a state of constant fear. Some may be more openminded and respectful of differing viewpoints, acknowledging that genuine faith can coexist alongside diverse beliefs.People have diverse experiences and perceptions, and some may genuinely enjoy and benefit from their involvement in the IFB. I may disagree, but unlike what I experienced while in the IFB I do not intend to diminish or invalidate those positive experiences but rather seeks to highlight the complexities of personal perspectives and their role in shaping our understanding of the world.
As my time talking about my experience being part of a high-control religious group is winding down, I feel as if I have discussed many topics that have been important to my personal growth. The remaining few are the most challenging and time-consuming to articulate.
The Spirit of Fear within the the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church is a topic that has taken significant introspection and courage to work through. Exploring the complexities of fear, its origins, and its impact within this religious context requires a delicate examination of personal experiences and communal dynamics. Nevertheless, shedding light on these aspects is important for encouraging understanding, empathy, and initiating conversations that contribute to healing and growth within and beyond the IFB community.
While I am not inherently a fearful person, delving into the intricate layers of fear within the context of the IFB church has compelled me to confront my own vulnerabilities and uncertainties. Unraveling the influence of fear on both individual beliefs and the dynamics of a religious community necessitates a candid exploration of personal experiences and the broader cultural context. This endeavor has not only deepened my understanding of the diverse dimensions of fear but has also reinforced my commitment to navigating the intricate paths of faith and personal growth.
Growing up I remember being taught 2 Timothy 1:7 from the King James Version (KJV), “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” This verse emphasizes that fear is not a gift from God but rather something contrary to the attributes bestowed by a divine spirit, which includes power, love, and self-discipline. Despite the comforting message of this verse, my experience within the group was characterized more by fear than the promised assurance it suggests.
In my years within the church, there was a constant dichotomy between the soothing promises of peace and comfort and the underlying current of fear and dread. The teachings centered on the idea that following the prescribed path would lead to tranquility, but in reality, it often felt like navigating a minefield. The fear of misstepping, of inadvertently deviating from the established norms, cast a long shadow over the promised peace.
Instead of finding peace, I found myself in a perpetual state of vigilance. Every decision, every action, carried the weight of potential consequences. The fear wasn’t just a theoretical concept; it was a palpable force that shaped daily life. The teachings spoke of a loving and forgiving God, but the atmosphere was often one of judgment and condemnation. From the time I was a child I was indoctrinated with the belief that my every action, or inaction, might determine whether those around me find themselves in Hell or not.Let that sink in, even as a young child the literal weight of another persons eternal damnation was on my shoulders.I found myself dwelling on it constantly whenever I met new people.
In this environment, the promised comfort seemed elusive, drowned out by the drumbeat of anxiety. It left me questioning the authenticity of the teachings and whether the prescribed path truly led to the promised serenity. The dissonance between the spoken assurances and the felt experience became a defining aspect of my spiritual journey.
High-control/demand religious groups often employ fear as a powerful tool to maintain control over their members. The fear instilled is not just a random emotion; it’s carefully crafted to manipulate individuals into compliance. Whether through the threat of eternal damnation, ostracization from the community, or other dire consequences, fear becomes a pervasive force. The teachings might emphasize love and salvation, but the underlying message is one of constant vigilance and potential punishment. This fear creates a psychological and emotional dependency, making it difficult for individuals to question or leave the group, as the consequences are portrayed as too severe. It’s a tactic that goes beyond spiritual guidance, extending into the realms of spiritual and psychological manipulation and control.
Fear can be a powerful motivator, but if one claims to embody the love of God, relying on fear seems contradictory. The contrast between the professed message of love and the use of fear tactics raises questions about the sincerity of the teachings and the motives behind such approaches. It prompts reflection on whether a message of love should be more inspiring than fear-inducing. Shouldn’t a message of love inspire rather than instill fear? The tension between these concepts speaks to the complex nature of religious dynamics and the impact they can have on individuals seeking guidance and connection.
According to 2 Timothy 1:7, fear is not of God, yet it seems the church consistently relies on fear as a means of control. This contradiction is something I grapple with regularly. I still find myself wrestling with more questions than answers most days. Despite this, I recognize that I can’t live in a constant state of fear. While I may not have all the answers, I’m determined not to let fear dictate my path forward. It’s an ongoing process of sorting through teachings and understanding faith beyond the confines of fear.
In no particular orderhere are some things that I was taught to be afraid of during my time in the IFB:(Keep in mind I am painting with a broad brush)
Worldly Influences: Fear of secular ideas, entertainment, and cultures outside the IFB circle is instilled to maintain a distinct separation.
Backsliding: There’s a fear of spiritual regression, where members are taught to be constantly at church and church activities to be vigilant against falling away from the faith. You can read more about this topic in my post called Three To Thrive: Controlling Time (In more ways than one)
Divergence from Doctrine: There’s a fear of questioning or deviating from the established doctrines, creating an atmosphere of conformity. (You can read more about this topic in my post called Can We Just Agree to Disagree? Or Not?)
Non- King James Version Modern Bible Translations: Some IFB churches prefer only the KJV translations and express concerns about the accuracy or perceived liberal bias in other modern translations. In my personal opinion, it seems that IFB pastors may prefer the KJV of the Bible because of its archaic language, making it potentially more challenging for congregants to understand without guidance. This deliberate choice could create a dynamic where congregants rely heavily on the pastor’s interpretation and explanation of the scripture, creating a dependence on the pastor for understanding God’s word. In my personal experience when I began reading a translation that was more accessible and easier to comprehend, it became evident that the teachings from the pulpit did not always align with the straightforward message of the Bible. This shift allowed me to form a more direct and personal connection with the scriptures, highlighting the importance of personal understanding and interpretation in one’s relationship with God.
While the majority of the verses I have “hidden in my heart” are from the KJV, my approach to studying and understanding the word of God takes me beyond the KJV. When delving into the scriptures for deeper comprehension, I prefer translations that offer linguistic clarity and a contemporary context. This choice allows me to grasp the intended meanings without the linguistic barriers often associated with the archaic language of the KJV. Exploring various translations has enriched my understanding of the Bible, enabling a deeper connection with the timeless truths it conveys. In embracing diverse translations, I find a broader perspective that contributes to a more well-rounded interpretation and understanding of God’s word.
False Salvation: An instilled fear that any misstep or failure to adhere to their standards could mean that one didn’t experience true salvation. (You can read more about this topic in my post called The Pressure of Perfection Growing Up Fundamentalist)
Hellfire and Damnation: IFB often emphasizes the fear of eternal punishment for those who don’t adhere to their specific doctrines.
Cultural and Social Changes: IFB adherents may be taught to fear societal changes and evolving cultural norms, portraying them as threats to faith.
Interfaith Dialogue: Fear of engaging in open discussions with individuals from different faiths or belief systems.
Rock Music: those rebellious beats and non-traditional lyrics are just too much for their refined taste. After all, who needs a bit of rhythm and beats when you can stick to hymns? Don’t get me wrong, I love some of the classic hymns, but if Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen is wrong, then I just don’t know if I want to be right.
Personal Autonomy: Members may be discouraged from thinking for themselves and encouraged to rely heavily on the pastor and church for guidance and decision-making in all areas of their lives. (You can read more about this topic in my post called Abuse of Power Dynamics and Spiritual Manipulation at Places of Worship)
Democrats: Specifically democratic women like Kamala Harris: Vice President of the United States Nancy Pelosi: Former Speaker of the House of Representatives Hillary Clinton: Former Secretary of State and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren: U.S. Senator from Massachusetts Stacey Abrams: Former Georgia gubernatorial candidate and founder of Fair Fight Action Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: U.S. Representative from New York
Some fundamentalists may be concerned about policies that they perceive as conflicting with their religious beliefs, such as abortion rights or same-sex marriage. However, it’s important to remember many Democrats also have strong religious beliefs.
Feminism: Especially those women who dare to speak up and speak out and challenge traditional gender roles within the family and church. (See “Democrats” for specific examples)
Abortion: The IFB typically oppose abortion, viewing it as morally wrong and against their pro-life stance.
LGBTQ+ Rights: The IFB community traditionally holds conservative views on issues related to the LGBTQ+ community. They often oppose movements advocating for LGBTQ+ rights and same-sex marriage.
Secularism and Atheism: IFB followers are concerned about the rise of secularism and atheism, viewing these as threats to their religious values.
Globalism: Seen as a threat to national identity and traditional values. IFB adherents may express discomfort with cultural shifts that they perceive as moving away from conservative principles.
Non IFB Churches/Other IFB churches: The IFB community, being deeply rooted in its own interpretation of Christianity, views religious pluralism as a challenge to their exclusive theological beliefs. They love to view themselves as up against the world. (You can read more about this topic in my post called The Pressure of Perfection Growing Up Fundamentalist)
Environmentalism: Some within the IFB community might be skeptical of environmental movements, viewing them as distracting from what they consider more pressing spiritual matters. IFB churches that heavily focus on “End Times” teachings tend to feel that there is no need to take care of the earth and environment due to Christ’s return being imminent. (You can read more about this topic in my post called Happy Halloween: The Scariest Movies I Have Ever Seen)
Secular Education: Some within the IFB community may be wary of secular education systems, expressing concerns about the influence of non-religious ideologies on children. Many in the IFB choose to homeschool their children.
Higher education institutions, specifically, are often viewed as potential avenues for exposure to secular influences. The process of education encourages independent thinking, encouraging an ability to critically evaluate information. Within high-demand and controlling religious contexts, there can be apprehension towards individuals thinking independently, as it poses a potential risk of uncovering shortcomings in both leadership and theological doctrines.
Drug and Alcohol: Growing up I believed that if I ever had even one sip of alcohol that I would immediately become and alcoholic and my life would be in ruins!
Healthcare Practices: Views on certain healthcare practices, especially those related to reproductive health, and more recently vaccinations, might be shaped by religious beliefs. As a health care professional, I have sooooo many opinions about this topic. I will be sharing my viewpoint in future non-IFB related posts. Long story short: I am a huge advocate for personal liberty and choice, but letting your pastor and church think for you is neither. Vaccinations are a life saving privilege! Prevention is priceless!
Immigration: Views on immigration can vary, but some IFB churches and members overly express concerns about the impact of immigration on cultural and national identity. Typically, IFB churches that strongly align with Trump’s views often exhibit opposition to immigration.
This could/should be it’s own post, but I will briefly share my thoughts on this here…The Bible offers a multifaceted perspective on immigrants and foreigners. It emphasizes the importance of welcoming the stranger, practicing justice and fairness, and recognizing the challenges involved in integrating newcomers into society. Here are some Bible passages to back up this statement (all shared verse are KJV):
Leviticus 19:34: “The stranger that dwelleth with thee within your gates, shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.” This verse emphasizes the importance of treating foreigners with respect and compassion, remembering their own experience of being strangers.
Deuteronomy 10:19: “And thou shalt shew love unto the stranger, as he that was a stranger thyself in the land of Egypt.” This verse reiterates the call for hospitality and kindness towards immigrants, reminding readers of their own history as refugees.
Exodus 23:22:”Thou shalt not afflict a stranger, nor deal hardly with him: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.” This verse specifically prohibits oppressing or mistreating foreigners, emphasizing the need for justice and fairness.
Deuteronomy 24:14-15: “Thou shalt not defraud the hired labourer, that is poor and needy, whether he be of thy brethren, or of thy strangers that are in thy land within thy gates: At his day shalt thou give him his hire, neither shalt thou let it remain with thee until the morning. For thou wast a bondservant in the land of Egypt, and the LORD thy God redeemed thee thence.” This verse highlights the importance of fair treatment for all workers, including immigrants, and reminds readers of their own history as slaves.
Matthew 25:31-46: This parable of the sheep and the goats presents a challenge to distinguish between those who welcomed and cared for strangers and those who did not. It emphasizes the importance of compassion and action in response to the needs of immigrants.
Romans 13:1-7: This passage encourages obedience to authorities, which could be interpreted as applying to immigration laws and regulations. However, it’s important to note that this passage also emphasizes the importance of justice and fairness within the legal system.
Matthew 25:35-40: “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”
Based on Matthew 25:35-40, which emphasizes compassion and care for those in need, Jesus would express a concern about the potential lack of empathy or hospitality in the views of Christian nationalists regarding immigration. Jesus, in these verses, identifies himself with the hungry, thirsty, strangers, and those in need, emphasizing that acts of kindness towards the marginalized are akin to showing kindness to Him.
In the context of immigration, Jesus would encourage a perspective that reflects compassion, understanding, and a willingness to welcome strangers. He would emphasize the importance of seeing the humanity in all individuals, including immigrants, and extending a helping hand to those in vulnerable situations. The passage suggests a call to treat others with love and kindness, especially those who may be considered strangers or outsiders.
Breaking free from these ingrained fears instilled by past beliefs and community teachings is liberating! By challenging and questioning these fears, I empower myself to embrace a broader understanding of the world, diverse perspectives, and my own ever growing and evolving beliefs. Releasing the grip of fear allows me to engage in open-minded connections with a diverse range of people and ideas. As I break free from the constraints of preconceived notions, I become unencumbered by the limitations of fear. This transformative process enables me to navigate the complexities and fears and anxieties of life with a newfound sense of confidence to embrace each experience I come upon.
Disclaimer:It’s important to acknowledge that this is my opinion based on my own life experiences. It’s essential to recognize that not all people within IFB churches function in a state of constant fear. Some may be more openminded and respectful of differing viewpoints, acknowledging that genuine faith can coexist alongside diverse beliefs.People have diverse experiences and perceptions, and some may genuinely enjoy and benefit from their involvement in the IFB. I may disagree, but unlike what I experienced while in the IFB I do not intend to diminish or invalidate those positive experiences but rather seeks to highlight the complexities of personal perspectives and their role in shaping our understanding of the world.
Over coffee, I recently caught up with a close friend who is still actively involved in the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church I used to be a part of. Since I’m no longer a member, we typically avoid discussing church matters, but during our coffee outing she shared some details about things happening at the church. Despite no longer attending, yet having been a member for the majority of my life, I still have a solid understanding of how things operate within that community.
As we spoke, what stood out to me was the apparent ongoing absence of external oversight in the pastor’s decision-making processes. Despite past issues, it seems the pastor, often considered the ultimate authority in IFB churches, operates without the checks and balances that external oversight could provide.
My friend reluctantly pointed out situations where the pastor unilaterally made significant decisions impacting the entire church community. Regardless of whether these decisions were advantageous or not for the community, the absence of external scrutiny raises concerns. While the pastor’s actions may have been well-intentioned, they emphasized the potential risks associated with a leadership structure lacking accountability.
Even after our coffee date had concluded, our conversation lingered in my mind. This led me to reflect on the possible long-term consequences of unchecked authority in high-demand religious environments, such as the IFB. As I reflected on this, it emphasizes the importance of external oversight in religious communities. Decisions should be transparent, with collective input, and a commitment to the well-being of the entire congregation.
The absence of external oversight means that there’s limited scrutiny on the actions and decisions of the pastor. While trust is an essential aspect of any religious community, the potential for misuse of power or ethical lapses increases when there’s no mechanism for accountability.
External oversight, whether through denominational structures, advisory boards, communal meetings and voting, or other forms of checks, is a crucial safeguard against potential abuses. It ensures that leaders are held accountable for their actions, encouraging transparency, and preventing the concentration of power in a way that could be detrimental to the well-being of the community.(Regrettably, some pastors choose to be surrounded by “yes men” who agree with them unquestioningly.)
In the specific context of the IFB community, the pastor’s role is intriguing. Adhering to their Baptist distinctives and independent bylaws, it’s important to note that, in most cases, the pastor is technically classified as an employee of the church. Despite this formal classification aligned with typical employer-employee dynamics, practical application often deviates. The pastor, often revered as “the man of God,” enjoys elevated status and significant autonomy within the church hierarchy, surpassing the formal employment relationship.
This discrepancy between formal structure and perceived spiritual authority can pose challenges.
Congregants may hesitate to assert their rights as employers, fearing it contradicts the reverence owed to the pastor’s spiritual role. The complex interplay between employment dynamics and spiritual authority underscores the need for clarity in governance structures within religious communities to ensure balanced and accountable leadership. Unfortunately, this imbalance in IFB communities, where the pastor holds a revered spiritual position while technically being an employee, can create a delicate balance that, in some instances, leads to an abuse of power.
The inherent spiritual authority attributed to the pastor can open avenues for manipulation and exploitation. This spiritual hierarchy often overshadows the formal employment relationship, potentially enabling instances of abuse against church members. The blurred lines between the pastor’s role as an employee and a spiritual leader may contribute to an environment where abusive conduct can persist without appropriate scrutiny.
While it may seem that I am coming off as critical of IFB pastors, it is essential to acknowledge that within the IFB framework, not every pastor exploits the power dynamic. Many pastors, including my own brother in law as well as the pastor that led the church I was a part of as a child and young adult, driven by integrity and grace, genuinely prioritize the well-being of their congregants. They use their spiritual authority responsibly, and encourage environments of support, care, and spiritual growth.
However, the inherent imbalance in the power structure can be manipulated by individuals with less honorable intentions. Some pastors might leverage their revered position to their advantage, creating a situation where dissent or questioning is discouraged. This misuse of authority can lead to instances of manipulation and, in extreme cases, abuse. (**For resources to seek help for abuse, please click HERE or refer to the link below.**)
The diversity of pastors within IFB communities underscores the critical need for discernment and robust accountability mechanisms. While many lead with sincerity and a genuine desire to serve, the potential for misuse of power underscores the necessity of checks and balances. Establishing clear guidelines, encouraging open dialogue, and encouraging a culture of accountability can help ensure that the spiritual leadership remains a force for good within these communities.
If you have been following along with me while I have been writing about finding faith following fundamentalism, you know that I have been reading the Bible for myself and trying to understand what it is truly saying and not just the cherry picked version that I have been taught my entire life. Many pastors often invoke various verses to justify their operating without oversight or being questioned. (Full King James Versionverses below for reference)
Members of the IFB often turn to Hebrews 13:17 as a key verse supporting their stance that pastors should not be questioned. “Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves:” Many in the IFB interpret it as a divine mandate for unquestioning obedience to pastors, viewing them as appointed by God and beyond reproach. This verse has a second half that is often ignored: “for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.”
While encouraging believers to have confidence in and submit to their spiritual leaders, it also emphasizes that these leaders bear the responsibility of watching over the spiritual well-being of the congregation and will be held accountable for their leadership. They should be held accountable for their leadership. The instruction to submit is given with the intention that the leaders’ work should be a source of joy rather than a burden for both the leaders and the congregation.
On numerous occasions and from various pastors, I’ve personally heard some variation of the phrase “If you don’t like it, there’s the door; see yourself out.”
Similarly, 1 Timothy 5:19 is cited by IFB pastors to discourage questioning of pastors, asserting that accusations against elders should only be accepted with multiple witnesses. This verse is part of a larger passage in 1 Timothy 5 that deals with the qualifications and responsibilities of elders. The passage emphasizes the importance of elders being men of good character who are capable of leading the church. Verse 19 specifically addresses the issue of how to deal with accusations against elders.
This means that, elders can be assured that any allegations will undergo thorough scrutiny, reinforcing the biblical principles of fairness and integrity within the leadership structure of the Christian community.It does not however mean that the pastor/elders cannot be questioned or held accountable for their actions.
The principle of multiple witnesses is not unique to 1 Timothy 5:19. It is also found in other parts of the Bible, such as Deuteronomy 19:15 and Matthew 18:16. These passages all emphasize the importance of having corroborating evidence to support an accusation.
The interpretation of 1 Corinthians 12:28, which suggests the ordination of pastors as teachers and leaders in the church, is in harmony with the beliefs of many Christian traditions, including the IFB, that attribute a significant role to pastors in teaching and guiding the congregation. This verse forms part of a broader discourse in 1 Corinthians addressing the diverse spiritual gifts present within the body of believers.
In the context of our ongoing discussion, it’s essential to highlight that, while this verse underscores the roles of teachers and leaders, it doesn’t imply an absolute absence of accountability or room for questioning. Different Christian denominations and individuals may interpret the roles of pastors and the extent of their authority in various ways. Interpretations may vary among individuals and congregations within the broader IFB community as well.
In the IFB context, the emphasis on respecting pastors for their position and authority, coupled with interpretations of verses like Hebrews 13:17 and 1 Timothy 5:19, can sometimes contribute to a culture where questioning or holding pastors accountable is discouraged.
Let’s move on to other passages in the Bible that shed light on the principles of Christian leadership. In 1 Peter 5:1-4, elders are encouraged to shepherd the flock willingly and by example, with the promise of a “crown of glory” when the Chief Shepherd appears. Paul’s instruction to Timothy in 1 Timothy 4:16 emphasizes the importance of personal integrity in leadership, linking it to the salvation of both the leader and those who follow.
1 Thessalonians 2:7-12 depicts Paul and his companions as gentle and caring leaders, making a comparison to both a nursing mother and a father. They are characterized by love and diligence, working hard for the Thessalonians and encouraging them as a father would his children. In John 10:11, Jesus identifies Himself as the Good Shepherd who lays down His life for the sheep, reinforcing the idea of leaders being willing to make personal sacrifices for the well-being of their followers.
Lastly, 1 Timothy 5:17 calls for the honoring of elders who lead well, especially those dedicated to the labor of the word and doctrine. These verses collectively emphasize various qualities of Christian leadership, including humility, sacrificial love, diligence, and dedication to sound doctrine. While they stress the importance of respecting and honoring leaders, they also underscore the reciprocal responsibility of leaders to uphold certain standards. 1 Timothy 5:17 specifically advocates for the honoring of elders who excel in their leadership roles, especially those who are committed to the diligent work of preaching the Word and upholding sound doctrine.
These verses collectively paint a comprehensive picture of Christian leadership that extends beyond authority to encompass qualities such as humility, sacrificial love, and dedication to the foundational principles of faith. It’s a reminder that leadership within the Christian community should be characterized by service, integrity, and a commitment to the spiritual well-being of the congregation.
I know this might seem like a lot already, but stick with me…
While I am by no means an expert in this area, I have spent the better part of my life in a high demand/control religion as part of the IFB. One noteworthy observation pertains to the IFB’s tendency to portray pastors as beyond questioning, a practice often rooted in the interpretation of verses such as Hebrews 13:17. This approach creates an environment that may attract people with a love of wielding power. The theological stance adopted establishes an almost untouchable authority for pastors, actively discouraging dissent and framing any challenge to their leadership as a transgression against God.
The absence of robust accountability mechanisms, evident in the interpretation of verses like 1 Timothy 5:19, further cements the pastor’s position, rendering the IFB structure particularly appealing to those desiring unchecked control.
There is a strong correlation between seeking unchallenged control and issues of pride. The desire for unchallenged control often stems from a sense of superiority, an inflated view of one’s capabilities, and a reluctance to entertain dissenting opinions. Pride can lead one to believe that their authority is unquestionable, creating and encouraging an environment where challenges are seen as threats rather than opportunities for growth.
Proverbs 16:18, 1 Timothy 3:6, James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5-6, and Philippians 2:3-4, consistently caution against pride and highlight the virtues of humility. Those who seek unchallenged control may disregard these principles, potentially leading to destructive consequences both for themselves and those under their influence. Recognizing the dangers of pride and promoting humility within religious leadership can contribute to a healthier and more spiritually grounded community.
The Bible emphasizes the importance of humility and warns against the dangers of pride. Proverbs 16:18 succinctly declares that pride precedes destruction, underlining the destructive nature of arrogance. In 1 Timothy 3:6, there’s a caution against promoting inexperienced people into positions of authority, as unchecked pride can lead to condemnation.
James 4:6 reinforces the theme by stating that God opposes the proud but extends grace to the humble. This sets a clear contrast between the consequences of pride and the benefits of humility. The passage in 1 Peter 5:5-6 encourages mutual submission and humility, with the promise that those who humble themselves will be exalted in due time.
Philippians 2:3-4 further underscores the call to humility, urging believers to prioritize others over themselves and to avoid selfish pursuits. These verses collectively provide a biblical foundation for humility, discouraging pride, and promoting a culture of mutual submission and consideration within religious communities. Applying these principles can contribute to a healthier and more balanced approach to leadership, countering the potential pitfalls associated with unchecked authority and a love for power.
Why, then, is there a reluctance to add oversight or question the pastor?
The reluctance to add oversight or question the pastor may stem from a fear of potential consequences, both spiritual and social. Congregants may be hesitant due to a cultural expectation of unquestioning trust in the pastor’s spiritual authority. Concerns may arise about potential backlash or negative perceptions within the community for challenging the pastor’s decisions or actions. Additionally, the blurred lines between the pastor’s spiritual and authoritative roles can contribute to this reluctance, as questioning may be perceived not only as a challenge to leadership but also as a critique of the spiritual guidance provided by the pastor.
This apprehension reveals a troubling misuse of authority, creating a culture of silence and impeding open dialogue and accountability within the community. (I personally witnessed those who voiced their opinions facing repercussions.)
Leaders, including pastors, should ideally welcome questions and concerns as opportunities for growth and reflection. Turning the congregation against those who question can create a toxic environment, eroding trust and hindering the spiritual well-being and growth of the community.
Grounded in biblical principles that underscore humility, mutual respect, and accountability, a pastor’s role should extend to encouraging an environment where questions are embraced, concerns are addressed, and the congregation can partake in open and constructive dialogue. It becomes paramount for members within the congregation to critically assess such situations, evaluating whether the actions align with the Christian leadership principles outlined in the Bible.
This alignment involves embodying servant leadership characterized by humility, love, and integrity (Philippians 2:3-4, John 13:34-35). Leaders are called to seek divine wisdom, uphold sound doctrine, and work diligently, all while remaining open to correction and actively empowering others for service (James 1:5, 2 Timothy 4:2-3, Colossians 3:23, Proverbs 15:32, Ephesians 4:11-12).
Effectively addressing the issues inherent in IFB practices necessitates a deliberate and considerate approach. To begin with, there’s a crucial need for open dialogue within IFB communities concerning the interpretation and application of verses like Hebrews 13:17. Cultivating a culture that prizes transparency, accountability, and constructive questioning becomes instrumental in mitigating the potential for abuses of power.
Implementing clear accountability mechanisms and nurturing an environment that values the input and concerns of the congregation are pivotal steps. Equipping members with education about healthy leadership models and the potential pitfalls of unchecked authority can also contribute to shaping a more balanced and accountable religious community. In essence, promoting a culture characterized by humility, open communication, and shared responsibility stands as a transformative force in reshaping the dynamics within IFB churches. (see below for helpful resources)
**If you or someone you know is experiencing physical or sexual abuse, please reach out for help. There are organizations and helplines dedicated to providing support, guidance, and resources to those in need. No one should have to endure abuse, and seeking assistance is a crucial step towards safety and healing. Click HERE for a list of helpful resources I have put together.**
King James Version verses mentioned for reference:
Hebrews 13:17 :“Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.” 1 Timothy 5:19 : “Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses.” Deuteronomy 19:15One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established. Matthew 18:16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 1 Corinthians 12:28 “And God hath set some in the church, first apostles, secondarily prophets, thirdly teachers, after that miracles, then gifts of healings, helps, governments, diversities of tongues.” 1 Peter 5:1-4 :“The elders which are among you I exhort, who am also an elder, and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, and also a partaker of the glory that shall be revealed: Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind; Neither as being lords over God’s heritage, but being ensamples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory that fadeth not away.” 1 Timothy 4:16:“Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee.” 1 Thessalonians 2:7-12 “But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her children: So being affectionately desirous of you, we were willing to have imparted unto you, not the gospel of God only, but also our own souls, because ye were dear unto us. For ye remember, brethren, our labour and travail: for labouring night and day, because we would not be chargeable unto any of you, we preached unto you the gospel of God. Ye are witnesses, and God also, how holily and justly and unblameably we behaved ourselves among you that believe: As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children, That ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you unto his kingdom and glory.” John 10:11:“I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.” 1 Timothy 5:17:”Let the elders that rule well be counted worthy of double honour, especially they who labour in the word and doctrine.” Proverbs 16:18: “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.” 1 Timothy 3:6: “Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.” James 4:6: “But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5-6: “Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.” Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing out of vain glory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” Philippians 2:3-4:“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” John 13:34-35:“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” James 1:5:“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.” 2 Timothy 4:2-3:“Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears.” Colossians 3:23:“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men.” Proverbs 15:32:“He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul, but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding.” Ephesians 4:11-12:“And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ.”
Resources (I am not promoting or condoning any of these authors, I don’t know anything about them personally, I am only speaking to the works presented)
When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Chuck DeGroat This book explores the issue of narcissism in the church. DeGroat, a counselor who has worked with many victims of narcissistic abuse, argues that narcissism is a growing problem in the church, and that it can have a devastating impact on individuals and communities. 10/10 recommend!
Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church by Michael J. Kruger (2020) Kruger carefully outlines the biblical basis for confronting spiritual abuse. He argues that the New Testament teaches that all Christians are equal before God and that no one has the right to lord their authority over others. He also emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation, but only after the abuser has acknowledged their sin and taken steps to repent.
Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church by Diane Langberg (2019) Langberg contends that the IFB’s hierarchical structure, coupled with their reverence for pastoral authority, can foster a culture of silence and enablement, making it difficult for victims to come forward and seek justice. She highlights the devastating impact of abuse on individuals, families, and the church as a whole, emphasizing the need for a comprehensive approach to prevention and healing.
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk (2014) Van der Kolk challenges the traditional view of trauma as a psychological disorder, arguing instead that it is a physiological condition with far-reaching consequences. He explains how trauma can disrupt the body’s natural stress response system, leading to hypervigilance, flashbacks, and emotional numbness. He also discusses the impact of trauma on the nervous system, explaining how it can lead to chronic pain, fatigue, and sleep disturbances.
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Disclaimer:The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal experiences and perspective. I am not an expert, but I was part of a high demand community for the majority of my life. I want to acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. IFB pastors are also human and make mistakes, they should be held responsible for the way they treat people. I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving path, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
Have you ever been going through a situation that was extremely difficult for you, only to be told by someone that you were looking to for help, advice, and support “Get Over It!” ? It can feel like a dismissive slap to the face. leaving a feeling of invalidation. In those moments, I’m looking for compassion, for someone to acknowledge my struggle and offer a comforting hand, rather than a callous demand to simply move on.
Getting over certain things can be a real rollercoaster of emotions. Some experiences seem to fade away effortlessly, while others leave an indelible mark, making it much harder to move on.
For instance, there was a situation where someone had been hurtful towards me, and I managed to move on from the pain they caused. However, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy when I learned that this person would be in contact with my children. While I had dealt with my own hurt feelings, the thought of them interacting with my kids stirred up a different kind of concern.
My ability to “get over” what they did to me didn’t mean that I could easily overlook the potential impact on my children. The well-being and safety of my kids were my top priorities, and knowing that this person, who had previously caused harm, would be around them created a mix of emotions. It was a complex situation where my own personal healing didn’t necessarily align with my parental instincts to protect my children.
In this case, moving on wasn’t just about my own feelings, but also about ensuring the best for my kids. It highlighted the intricate balance between personal emotions and our responsibilities as caregivers. While I could navigate my own emotions, I needed to carefully consider the potential impact on my children and make decisions that ensured their safety and well-being.
I’ve often wondered why some things are easier to get over than others, and as I’ve thought about it I’ve come to realize that several factors contribute to the varying levels of difficulty. Here are a few things I think determine how easy or hard it is to get over something:
Emotional Significance
One significant factor is the emotional significance attached to the event or situation. Those that hold deep personal meaning or have a profound emotional impact tend to be the most challenging to overcome. When we experience the loss of a loved one or the end of a long-term relationship, the emotional bonds involved make it incredibly tough to let go. The memories, the shared moments, and the dreams we had together all linger, making it a complex and arduous process to heal.
It depends who was affected by the situation. For instance, as I said if my children were involved or hurt, I will have a much harder time getting over it. The depth of my emotions and my sense of responsibility as a parent would make it a challenging process. The well-being and happiness of my children are incredibly important to me, and any negative impact on them would weigh heavily on my heart. In such cases, moving on from the situation would likely require more time, support, and healing.
Time, Energy, Effort
The amount of time, effort, and energy invested in something also plays a crucial role in how difficult it is to move on. If we’ve poured our heart and soul into a project, a goal, or a relationship, detaching ourselves becomes more challenging. The sense of loss associated with letting go of something we’ve invested a significant portion of our lives or resources into can be overwhelming. We may grapple with feelings of emptiness or uncertainty about the future, which further complicates the process.
Control
Our perception of control in a situation affects our ability to let go. When we believe we have some measure of control over the outcome or can positively influence it, it becomes easier to move forward. However, situations where we feel powerless or helpless can be incredibly daunting to overcome. The lack of control can fuel feelings of frustration and prolong the healing process.(This is something that I have been working on in my own life)
Support
Having a strong support system can make a world of difference when it comes to getting over something. The presence of understanding friends, family, or a support network can provide the encouragement we need to navigate through difficult times. Their support can help us process our emotions, gain perspective, and find the strength to move forward. Conversely, the absence of such a support system can make the journey towards healing more challenging and lonely.
Coping Mechanisms and Emotional Resilience
Our individual coping mechanisms and emotional resilience also play a significant role. People with effective coping strategies, such as problem-solving skills, emotional regulation techniques, or seeking professional help, tend to find it easier to overcome difficult situations. These tools help them navigate through the pain, process their emotions, and gradually find a way forward. However, those who struggle with coping or lack appropriate strategies may find it more difficult to move on.
Positive or Negative Outlook
If we maintain a positive outlook, believing that there are better things ahead, it becomes easier to release the past. Embracing the idea that new opportunities await and that growth and happiness are still within reach helps to gradually loosen the grip of the past. Conversely, a negative or pessimistic view of the future can hinder the process of getting over something, leaving us stuck in a cycle of pain and longing.
Ultimately, the ability to get over something varies from person to person. What may be an effortless process for one person could be an ongoing struggle for another. Each situation is unique, and the way these factors interact with each other adds to the complexity. This means that there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to healing and moving on. We need to adapt our strategies and methods to address the individual needs and challenges we face in order to move towards healing and progress. While it may take time, patience, and self-compassion, it is possible to get over it and heal, emerging stronger on the other side.
Looking Joli Good 