Fundamentally Enmeshed Family

November 10, 2023November 10, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

For the last several months I have been talking about my experience growing up in the Independent Fundamentalists Baptist (IFB) Movement. Since leaving the IFB, I have challenged myself to learn, grow, and change. I have learned so much about myself and the world around me. I still have a long way to go, but I value the progress I’ve made. I don’t plan to continuously write about this topic forever; I plan to move on to writing about other subjects soon. I have a few more IFB related topics I would like to discuss before I move on. I’ve pushed off these last few topics because they are more sensitive and have taken me a bit longer to think through and write about.

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Today, I want to delve into the topic of family enmeshment, specifically within the context of fundamentalism and high control religious communities. I’ll be coming at this topic from the perspective of how I perceived this phenomenon manifested itself within the IFB, a high-control religious community. This phenomenon takes on a unique character in environments where strong beliefs and organized practices heavily influence the dynamics within a family. My aim is to shed light on how family enmeshment unfolds in these religious contexts, influencing individual autonomy, emotional well-being, and the broader dynamics within families. Recognizing these subtleties is pivotal for creating awareness and initiating conversations about cultivating healthier family dynamics within the framework of fundamentalist and high-control religious communities. (See references and resources below for more information)

Before we delve into the discussion on family enmeshment and its connection to the IFB, it’s essential to clarify that my intention is not to assign blame or critique specific families. Rather, the focus is on exploring how high-control religious groups, such as the IFB, and high-control religious communities, may inadvertently encourage and foster enmeshment within their unique frameworks. The aim is to shed light on broader patterns and dynamics rather than making individual judgments. I’m approaching this topic recognizing the complexity of familial relationships within the context of such religious communities.

Being a part of a loving family is truly amazing. What I love the most about my family is the warmth of our welcoming home, the comfort of knowing I’m never alone, and the assurance that I have a place where I’m accepted for who I am. I enjoy the sense of belonging, shared laughter, and knowing that I have support for difficulties and someone to share my success with. It’s a reminder that in a world of constant change, I have a place of love and acceptance, and that is priceless.

But, what happens if the family experience becomes overwhelming and suffocating?!

Family enmeshment, a complex issue, described as a dysfunctional family dynamic where boundaries among family members are either blurred or nonexistent. This condition can lead to excessive involvement in each other’s lives, resulting in challenges such as diminished personal autonomy, emotional entanglement, and difficulties in forming healthy external relationships.

Think of it like this: enmeshment within a family is like a tightly knit sweater, where each thread is so closely intertwined that it’s hard to distinguish one from the other. The boundaries between family members blur, much like the threads in the fabric, making it challenging for each individual to maintain a clear sense of personal space and identity. This close weaving can restrict freedom and autonomy, creating difficulties in establishing healthy relationships beyond the familial knit.

If there’s a pull in the sweater of the familial knit, it represents a tension or imbalance within the intricate fabric of relationships. Just as a pulled thread disrupts the smooth continuity of a sweater, tensions in an enmeshed family can strain the cohesion and harmony. This pull might signify a conflict, a desire for individual space, or a struggle for autonomy within the tightly woven connections. Addressing the pull requires delicacy and care, much like repairing a snag in a knit sweater, as it involves understanding and re-establishing healthy boundaries to maintain the overall integrity of the familial fabric.

Enmeshed families find it hard to establish a clear sense of personal identity and independence, as their lives are deeply intertwined. Emotional boundaries become hazy, making it difficult to differentiate one’s emotions from those of other family members. Consequently, individuals may feel responsible for one another’s feelings, which can be emotionally burdensome. Enmeshment can hinder the development of healthy relationships beyond the family unit, as individuals may carry these patterns into other aspects of their lives. These ingrained enmeshment patterns can extend their influence, affecting various facets of individuals’ lives. Carrying the dynamics of blurred boundaries and over-involvement, individuals may find it challenging to establish and maintain healthy relationships in other areas, such as friendships, romantic partnerships, or professional settings. The difficulty lies in navigating personal space, emotional autonomy, and clear communication, which are important components of balanced and thriving connections.

Within the context of fundamentalism and high control religious communities and more specifically in my case the IFB community, family enmeshment can be a prevalent and concerning issue. In this tightly-knit religious environment, where conformity and adherence to strict doctrines are highly valued, families often find themselves deeply interconnected.

The IFB community often views itself as more than just a religious organization; it sees itself as the “family of God.” In this perspective, the bonds that unite its members go beyond faith; they create a sense of unity, community, and belonging. This familial connection is nurtured through shared beliefs, worship, and a strong support system. The IFB’s “family of God” approach emphasizes the idea that God is the father and members are not just fellow congregants but brothers and sisters in faith. This can create a tight-knit community that supports one another through life’s challenges and celebrates together in times of joy. As a result, families struggling with enmeshment may see the IFB as a natural extension of their existing dynamics, making it effortless to fall into this enmeshed pattern.

But, what happens if this family of God experience becomes overwhelming and suffocating?!

The IFB’s emphasis on community and shared beliefs can contribute to emotional enmeshment within the community. The pressure to conform to a specific religious doctrine can create a shared identity that is deeply ingrained in every family member. As a result, personal autonomy may be stifled, making it challenging for individual members to explore their own beliefs or make choices that deviate from the family’s religious norms.

Members within the IFB community are often expected to prioritize their faith and church involvement above all else. This can lead to a lack of boundaries when it comes to members’ participation in each other’s religious, social, and personal lives. For example, individuals may find their personal decisions, such as matters of faith or lifestyle choices, subject to scrutiny or influence from fellow community members. This lack of delineation between personal and communal spheres can contribute to an environment where individual autonomy is compromised, and the collective expectations of the religious community play a substantial role in shaping members’ choices and actions. Another example is when IFB parents of grown children exert considerable influence over their children’s personal and spiritual decisions, and children feel obligated to adhere to their parents’ religious beliefs even if they have doubts or differing beliefs.

A family entrenched in enmeshment often faces deep connections, where personal boundaries blur, emphasizing shared choices and feelings. This dynamic extends into their religious community, where participation in the ‘family of God’ complicates the distinction between personal and collective influence. This enmeshment makes the family receptive to the IFB’s guidance, support, and a sense of belonging. Yet, challenges arise as the lines between personal freedom and collective decision-making blur.

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The IFB community, valuing a unified approach to faith, can naturally become privy to the personal choices of its members. This interconnectedness can lead the community to offer advice or have a say in various aspects of a family’s life, whether it’s about parenting, career paths, or even personal decisions and beliefs.

The close ties within IFB families can also impact individuals’ ability to form healthy relationships outside the church community. The fear of being othered, ostracized, or judged by the church community can deter individuals from seeking connections with those who have different beliefs or lifestyles. This fear can lead to isolation and difficulty in developing a diverse and supportive social network.

Within the IFB context, acknowledging and addressing family enmeshment presents a unique challenge, as their community places a significant emphasis on conformity and the shared beliefs that bind its members together. This emphasis has inadvertently contributed to the complexities of family enmeshment within their community.

The relationships within the IFB community can often bear a striking resemblance to family enmeshment. In this tightly-knit and often insular environment, people may find themselves entangled in a web of connections that can blur the boundaries between personal and group identity. Much like family enmeshment, these dynamics can have both positive and negative consequences.

On the positive side, the sense of belonging and camaraderie in the IFB can provide a strong support system for its members. It often feels like an extended family, with shared beliefs, values, and traditions creating a deep bond among the congregation. This can be a source of comfort and a feeling of belonging, especially for those who may not have strong family ties outside the church.

However, the downside to this closeness is that it can sometimes lead to family enmeshment-like dynamics, where individuality and personal boundaries become blurred. In the IFB, dissenting opinions or questioning the established beliefs are often discouraged or even condemned. This can create an environment where conformity is prized, and those who deviate risk ostracism . In such cases, the sense of belonging can turn into a suffocating pressure to conform, with members feeling unable to express their own beliefs or make decisions independent of the group’s expectations.

Just as family enmeshment can stifle personal growth and independence within a family unit, similar patterns can emerge within the IFB, where the group’s cohesion and conformity can sometimes come at the expense of personal development. This complex interplay between community and individuality is a fundamental aspect of the IFB experience and one that often requires careful navigation for those seeking a balance between their faith and their individuality.

When a person makes the hard decision to distance themselves from the tightly knit community, they encounter a complex set of challenges. Among these challenges, one prominent issue is the sense of social isolation. Leaving the IFB often entails losing contact with family and friends who remain part of the community, resulting in feelings of loneliness and disconnection, which can be emotionally taxing.

Leaving an enmeshed IFB family and community can be an emotional experience. The alterations in relationships and dynamics can bring up a range of emotions.

Leaving the enmeshment of the IFB community is not only emotionally challenging but also the start of independent personal growth. As one distances themself from the tightly connected network of beliefs and relationships, they often find themselves in uncharted territory.

One of the primary challenges is disentangling themselves from the enmeshed web of beliefs and practices. This process involves questioning deeply ingrained doctrines and reevaluating personal values. It can be a daunting task to break free from a community that has often shaped one’s entire worldview and self-perception. It is not easy to think for yourself.

Disentangling from the enmeshment of a controlling community may involve setting boundaries, building new relationships, pursuing different life goals, and embracing a more diverse and open-minded perspective. While the process is undoubtedly challenging, it also offers the opportunity for reclaiming individuality and a sense of purpose outside of the entangled enmeshment of the community.

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

Recourses and References

Adolescents, M. S. L. |. C. T. |. A. B. a. E. (2023, May 9). Understanding and treating codependency and enmeshment in family Relationships | Open Sky. Open Sky. https://www.openskywilderness.com/codependency-and-enmeshment/

Aletheia. (2022, December 16). 13 Signs You’re Suffering From Toxic Family Enmeshment. LonerWolf. https://lonerwolf.com/toxic-enmeshment/

BRC Healthcare. (2021, October 5). ENMESHED FAMILY CHARACTERISTICS. https://www.brcrecovery.com/blog/enmeshed-family-characteristics/

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (2003). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, when to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.

Cook, A. (2021, July 8). The Enmeshed Family and 6 Signs of Toxic Behavior – Dr. Alison Cook. Dr. Alison Cook. https://www.dralisoncook.com/enmeshed-family-6-signs-toxic-behavior/

Johnson, S. L. (2009). Assessing and diagnosing posttraumatic stress Disorder. In Elsevier eBooks (pp. 1–69). https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-374851-5.00001-9

Khouzam, H. R. (2007). Religious and spiritual dimensions of psychiatric emergencies. In Elsevier eBooks. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-323-04088-4.50030-1

Lcsw, S. M. (2023, July 26). The enmeshed family system: What it is and how to break free. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2019/05/the-enmeshed-family-system-what-it-is-and-how-to-break-free

Ludwig, S., & Rostain, A. L. (2009). Family Function and Dysfunction. In Elsevier eBooks (pp. 103–118). https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-1-4160-3370-7.00010-9

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

The Poison of Passive Aggression

November 7, 2023October 14, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

The passive aggression is something I strongly dislike and strive to distance myself from. I’ve always believed in open and honest communication, and passive aggression goes against that principle.

Passive aggression is like a toxic cloud that slowly seeps into relationships and interactions, causing confusion, tension, and resentment. It’s a way of expressing dissatisfaction or anger indirectly, often through subtle jabs, sarcasm, or withholding of information. Instead of addressing issues head-on, passive-aggressive people resort to veiled remarks or subtle actions that can leave others feeling hurt and confused.

Personally, I find passive aggression to be incredibly frustrating. It creates an atmosphere of uncertainty and makes it difficult to establish genuine connection and trust. It leaves people guessing, questioning their own actions, and trying to decipher hidden meanings, which only serves to breed further negativity.

Passive aggression is a manipulative behavior that makes it challenging to address and correct. Its covert nature makes it difficult to pinpoint and confront directly, as passive-aggressive people often employ subtle tactics to express their discontent or frustration. This indirect approach allows them to maintain a façade of innocence while still exerting control or inflicting emotional harm. The elusive nature of passive aggression can leave others feeling confused, frustrated, and unable to effectively address the behavior. This can perpetuate a cycle of miscommunication and strained relationships, making it challenging to bring about meaningful change and resolution.

Passive aggression not only makes it difficult to point out and correct the behavior but also puts the person attempting to address it in a challenging position. The covert nature of passive aggression often allows the person to deny any wrongdoing, leaving the person who wants to address the issue feeling like the “bad guy.” The overt actions may be subtle or ambiguous, making it hard to provide specific examples or evidence of the passive-aggressive behavior. This dynamic can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a sense of powerlessness for the person trying to address the behavior, further complicating the process of correction.

I believe open and honest communication is vital for healthy relationships. Addressing conflicts directly, expressing concerns respectfully, and creating understanding, resolution, and growth have been things I have been working on.

Passive aggression damages relationships and impedes personal growth by avoiding self-reflection and constructive solutions. Navigating toxic patterns like passive aggression is challenging, but setting boundaries, promoting open communication, and cultivating honesty can combat it and foster healthier dynamics.

In the end, there are situations where despite your best efforts, some people will inevitably resort to passive aggression, and unfortunately, there may be little to nothing you or I can do to change that behavior.

Abstract/TL;DR: Passive aggression is a toxic and harmful behavior that I strongly dislike and distance myself from. It hinders open and honest communication, breeds confusion and resentment, and prevents genuine connection and growth. I prefer direct and assertive communication, addressing conflicts and concerns openly. By rejecting passive aggression and promoting transparency, I aim to foster healthier relationships and personal development.

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on my personal experiences, research, and ongoing learning and growth. While I strive to provide accurate and helpful insights, it is important to consult with appropriate professionals or experts for specific advice or guidance. I encourage you to approach the information with a critical mindset and consider your own unique circumstances before making any decisions or taking any actions.

Hurt People Hurt People

November 3, 2023October 2, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood4 Comments

I’ve come to realize that the saying “Hurt people hurt people.” is very true. It’s a simple yet profound truth that over the years has helped me understand the behavior of others in a more compassionate way.

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When someone lashes out, is unkind, or behaves in hurtful ways, it’s easy to feel anger or resentment towards them. But as I’ve grown and gained more life experience, I’ve come to recognize that their actions are often a reflection of their own pain and suffering.

I’ve witnessed how unresolved trauma, past hurts, and unhealed wounds can shape a person’s behavior. When someone carries the weight of their own pain, it can become too overwhelming to bear, and they may unintentionally project that pain onto others. In the past I myself have been guilty of being hurtful to people because I was hurting.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it allows me to approach it with empathy rather than judgment. It reminds me that behind the hurtful words or actions, there may be deep-rooted pain, fear, or insecurity.

By acknowledging that hurt people hurt people, I can break the cycle of negativity. Instead of responding to their hurt with more hurt, I should strive to respond with compassion and understanding. Sometimes an offer of support, a listening ear, or a kind gesture, is a simple thing that just may be the very thing they need to start their own healing process.

Of course, it’s essential to set boundaries and protect my own well-being in the process. Recognizing that someone’s hurt doesn’t excuse their harmful actions means that I can choose to distance myself from toxic relationships while still holding space for kindness and compassion.

This realization has also taught me the importance of self-compassion. If hurt people hurt people, it’s important for me to address and heal my own wounds, ensuring that I’m not inadvertently causing harm to others.

“Hurt people hurt people,” but it can also be said that “Healed people heal people.” Our emotional well-being and experiences can greatly influence our interactions with others.

Hurt people may inadvertently hurt those around them, perpetuating a cycle of pain and dysfunction. On the other hand, when someone has taken the time to heal and address their own emotional wounds, they are better equipped to offer compassion, understanding, and support to others. Healed people have a greater capacity for empathy and are less likely to perpetuate harmful patterns of behavior. They can break the cycle of pain and contribute to a more positive and nurturing environment for those around them.

By working on our own well-being and addressing our own wounds, we not only improve our own lives but also have the potential to positively impact the lives of those we encounter. Healing is a transformative journey that can lead to a more compassionate and supportive world.

So, when I encounter hurtful behavior, I try to remind myself that it often stems from pain and suffering. By breaking the cycle of hurt and offering understanding, I hope to create a ripple effect of healing and kindness.

Abstract/TL;DR: “Hurt people hurt people” means that those who are hurt often end up hurting others due to their unresolved pain. Understanding this helps me approach hurtful behavior with empathy and compassion, aiming to break the cycle of negativity. While setting boundaries is important, responding with kindness and self-care can foster healing and create positive change.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Happy Halloween: The Scariest Movies I Have Ever Seen

October 31, 2023November 1, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood6 Comments

Since today is Halloween, I’d like to discuss the most frightening movies I’ve ever watched. While they didn’t have the highest budget or great production value, they did make a lasting impression on me.

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When I think back on my childhood in the church, there’s a memory that stands out vividly, one that left an indelible mark on my young mind. It’s the memory of sitting in the pews of our church, watching two movies that would forever shape my relationship with fear and anxiety surrounding the Rapture. Despite being a faithful believer, because of these movies I was terrified of not being raptured and being left behind.

As a child, the prospect of a cozy movie night in the church seemed inviting. Little did I know that these films were far from the comforting, family-friendly entertainment I had expected.

These films were “A Thief in the Night” and “Image of the Beast.”

“A Thief in the Night” is a Christian apocalyptic film released in 1972. It was directed by Donald W. Thompson and is the first in a series of four films known as “The Thief in the Night” series. Released in 1981,”Image of the Beast” is the second of four films in the “The Thief in the Night” series. The storyline of “A Thief in the Night” revolved around the sudden disappearance of people known as the rapture, and the turmoil that followed. “Image of the Beast,” on the other hand, delved into the post rapture tribulation consequences of refusing to accept a mark that aligned with opposing religious beliefs.

“The Thief in the Night” series was part of a genre often referred to as “end times” or apocalyptic cinema, designed to instill fear and anxiety about the future, particularly the Second Coming of Christ and the concept of being left behind.

For a child sitting in the dimly lit church, these films were nothing short of terrifying. The depictions of chaos, panic, and individuals grappling with the realization that they had been left behind struck at the core of my young heart. Fear welled up within me, and it wasn’t the fear of a typical childhood nightmare but a fear rooted in my very perception of faith and the future.

What these movies managed to do was implant a sense of overwhelming dread in my young heart and mind. I became terrified of being left behind of one day finding myself here on earth while my family and friends had vanished, leaving me behind. The religious messaging of these films had left me deeply anxious about assurance of salvation, leading me to question whether I would ever be “good enough” to avoid such a fate. And if I wasn’t truly saved would I be strong enough to stand up for what is right and resist the mark of the Beast.

These experiences created a sense of trauma, one I would carry into my teen and early adulthood years, shaping my relationship with religion, fear and anxiety about the Second Coming of Christ. The desire to not be left alone became a deep-seated need. I sought reassurance through the safety of being around people who I knew were believers, an ever growing instinct born out of the trauma I had experienced due to the subject matter of these movies. Even as a young adult I remember several instances when I felt sheer terror because I couldn’t reach any of my friends or family on the phone, and I convinced myself that the rapture had occurred and I had been left behind.

In retrospect, my early encounters with these films have been a constant reminder of the impact media can have on our children, especially when intertwined with the weight of religious teachings and trauma. It’s a reminder of the power of storytelling, and how the stories we hear as children can reverberate through our lives, sometimes leaving us with scars and fears that last well into adulthood.

These movies, filled with apocalyptic imagery and heavy religious undertones, had the power to traumatize my young and impressionable mind. The religious topics, in particular, held a higher weight in my life. They not only stirred fear and anxiety but also shaped my perception of faith and spirituality, instilling in me a profound sense of dread surrounding the concepts of lack of assurance of salvation and the Second Coming of Christ.

It’s important to be mindful of the stories and fears we expose our children to, especially in religious contexts. These narratives can be powerful tools for teaching faith and morality, but they can also leave lasting fear, anxiety, and scars. The movies “A Thief in the Night” and “Image of the Beast” are proof that even poorly made low budget films can cause fear and terror for years.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

The Importance of Checking In with Yourself to Manage Anxiety

October 28, 2023October 14, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

Abstract/TL;DR: Pause and check in with yourself periodically to manage anxiety. Take a moment to be present, identify the source of anxiety, and practice self-compassion. Ground yourself in the present moment, embrace mindfulness, and be gentle with yourself. It’s a powerful tool for self-awareness and reducing anxiety.

So, let’s talk about something that’s been really helpful for me when it comes to managing anxiety – checking in with myself. Life can get pretty overwhelming sometimes, and it’s easy to get caught up in the chaos without taking a moment to breathe. I’ve found that making a conscious effort to check in with myself periodically can make a world of difference.

When I say “check in,” I mean taking a few moments to pause, step back, and become aware of how I’m feeling and what’s going on inside my mind. It’s like having a little heart-to-heart with myself. I find a quiet spot, take a deep breath, and let myself be in the present moment.

One thing I’ve realized is that it’s crucial not to judge myself during this check-in process. There’s no right or wrong way to feel, and I don’t need to compare myself to others. My emotions are valid, even if they seem irrational or overwhelming at times.

During these check-ins, I try to identify the source of my anxiety. Is it related to school work, relationships, or something else entirely? Understanding the root cause can help me address the issue more effectively.

I’ve also learned the importance of self-compassion during these moments. Instead of beating myself up for feeling anxious, I try to be gentle and understanding with myself. It’s like being a supportive friend to myself, offering words of encouragement and kindness.

One technique I often use is grounding myself in the present moment. I focus on my senses – the feeling of the ground beneath my feet, the sound of birds chirping, or the warmth of the sun on my skin. Bringing my attention back to the present helps break the cycle of anxious thoughts that might be spiraling out of control.

Another thing that has helped me immensely is practicing mindfulness and meditation. Taking even just a few minutes to meditate each day has allowed me to build resilience and reduce overall anxiety levels. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated; simply sitting quietly and observing my thoughts without getting tangled up in them can be incredibly calming.

Of course, I’m not perfect, and there are times when I forget to check in with myself. Life can be busy, and that’s okay. The key is to remember that checking in with myself is not something I have to do perfectly or consistently. It’s about being gentle and understanding with myself and making an effort to come back to it whenever I can.

So, if you’re dealing with anxiety or stress, I encourage you to try this practice of checking in with yourself. It might feel strange at first, but over time, it can become a powerful tool for self-awareness and managing those anxious thoughts. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey, and taking care of yourself is a beautiful act of self-love.

Take care of and be kind to yourself!

Through self-awareness, I find release,
A tranquil mind, a moment of peace.
With each check-in, I’m gently led,
To manage anxiety, where it once bred.
With love and care, my heart I steer,
Release the fear, I persevere,
Release the fear, the calm is near.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Unraveling the Impact

October 25, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood6 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: Exploring why the teachings of the IFB affected me deeply while others seemed to be able to stay or move on easily after leaving the IFB. It’s a complex interplay of personalities, life experiences, and emotional investments. Questioning beliefs led to guilt, fear, and confusion. Different support systems and resilience levels may influence how individuals process their experiences. Healing is unique to each person, and comparing ourselves to others is counterproductive. Seeking support from understanding individuals and acknowledging the impact of the group are essential steps in finding freedom and reclaiming our own beliefs and values. Healing is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take the time needed for self-discovery and growth.

As I have mentioned before, being part of the IFB community was a significant part of my life for many years. It provided a sense of belonging and familiarity, and I cherished the connections I had with many of my fellow church members. However, as time went on, I started to feel the weight of the controlling nature of the group.

I’ve often wondered why the actions and teachings of the group affected me so deeply while others seem to have no issue with staying in the community or moving on without much difficulty. It’s a question that has lingered in my mind for a while now.

The question of why some people are more affected than others by a controlling group like the IFB is complex. While I don’t have all the answers, the response seems to be multifaceted. It likely involves a combination of factors, including personalities, past experiences, commitment, and involvement, all shaping our responses to such environments.

Firstly, I believe part of it has to do with our unique personalities and life experiences. We all process and internalize things differently based on our individual backgrounds and vulnerabilities. Some people may naturally possess a more independent and critical thinking nature, making it easier for them to question and challenge the doctrines presented to them. On the other hand, those who are more trusting or predisposed to seeking authority figures may find themselves more susceptible to the group’s influence.

For me, being part of the group provided a sense of belonging and purpose, but it also meant conforming to strict rules and beliefs that sometimes clashed with my own intuition. As I began to question those beliefs and the control that was imposed, I experienced a whirlwind of emotions. Guilt, fear, and confusion all weighed heavily on my heart. The fear of rejection and judgment from the community kept me bound to its teachings for far too long. As time went on I was deeply affected by being told one thing while I witnessed others acting in the opposite way. (Most would call this hypocrisy. No one likes to be called a hypocrite, but the IFB seems to get especially offended by this label, probably because it hits so close to home and the truth hurts…)

Past experiences can significantly influence our susceptibility to the influence of controlling groups. People who have gone through trauma or emotional vulnerabilities may have a greater inclination to seek a sense of belonging and stability within such communities, even if it means sacrificing some personal agency. The appeal of being part of a group, especially the “inner circle,” can be enticing. In my case, my connection to the group was particularly strong because the majority of my family shared the same beliefs and regularly served and attended the church services.

Conversely, some people might have had different support systems or life circumstances that made it easier for them to detach from the teachings of the controlling group. Their level of emotional investment in the community might not have been as profound, leading to lesser impact on their beliefs and actions.

The depth of impact can also be influenced by the intensity of involvement and the duration spent within the group. The longer and more intensely someone is exposed to the group’s teachings, the more profound its effects can be, both while in the community and even after leaving. Some may be able to stay within the group for years, seemingly unaffected, while others, like me, may need to heal and grow after leaving.

In my case, I was born into this community, and it became the only reality I knew. Throughout my upbringing, my family and I were intricately involved in various church activities. We were always ready to serve and participate, regardless of whether the events directly involved us or not. Choosing to distance myself was a choice to leave everything I had ever known and virtually start over.

After leaving, the process of healing and self-reflection varies significantly from person to person. Some may find peace and healing through supportive relationships, therapy, or their inherent resilience, moving forward with fewer scars. Others may need more time and support to confront the psychological and emotional effects of the group’s teachings and find their path toward growth.

Healing is a personal and individual process, and there’s no right or wrong way to navigate life after leaving a controlling group. Each person’s journey is valid, and comparing ourselves to others can hinder our progress.

Also our ability to heal and self-reflect differs among individuals. Some may naturally possess resilience, allowing them to move on without dwelling in the past. However, for others, like myself, it might require more time and effort to process the emotional baggage left behind by the experience. For instance, my husband, who is strong, sensible, and logical, seemed to work through everything with little turmoil, while three years later, I am still processing certain aspects of my experience.

I don’t have an answer for why I was so affected by the negative actions and teachings of my former church, or why it has taken me so long to process everything. But I have learned that healing after leaving a controlling group or situation is a unique and individual process, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Comparing ourselves to others can hinder our progress and growth.

Recognizing that healing is not linear is crucial. Each step we take towards healing and growth, regardless of its pace, is a significant accomplishment. It’s essential to be patient and compassionate with ourselves as we navigate through the complexities of healing.

Acknowledging the impact the group had on me was the first step toward finding freedom and peace in reclaiming my beliefs and values. Healing is a gradual process, slow progress is still progress, and it’s okay to take the time needed to rediscover myself and create a life that aligns with my values and convictions.

Disclaimer: The experiences and reactions described in my personal account are unique to my journey and perspective. While I share my story to provide insight into the impact of the group’s teachings on my life, it is essential to remember that each individual’s experience may vary. Some may find it easier to move on from such experiences, while others, like myself, might require more time and self-reflection to heal from the effects of the teachings. Our responses are shaped by our unique personalities, backgrounds, and support systems. It is crucial to respect and acknowledge the diversity of experiences among individuals who have been part of similar groups or communities. While no longer the case for me, some people find calm and support in groups such as the IFB due to the strong sense of community, shared beliefs, and structured framework that these groups provide. For some people, being part of a close-knit community that shares a common faith can offer a sense of belonging, purpose, and security. The structured rituals, traditions, and moral guidelines offered by such groups may bring a sense of stability and comfort in navigating life’s uncertainties.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

BIG T little t Trauma: Death By a Thousand Papercuts

October 21, 2023October 19, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: BIG T/little t Trauma is a psychological framework that distinguishes major traumas from smaller, cumulative stressors. BIG T Trauma involves significant and distressing events like abuse or natural disasters, while little t Trauma refers to ongoing stressors like bullying or family conflict. Both types of trauma can have a profound impact on a person’s well-being, and it’s crucial to recognize and address them for healing and mental health.

A papercut is a small, superficial wound that occurs when the sharp edge of a piece of paper or other thin material cuts through the outer layer of the skin. Despite its size, it can be surprisingly painful due to the paper’s edge slicing into sensitive nerve endings. The affected area may become red, and there might be a slight amount of bleeding. The pain can be more intense than one might expect for such a minor injury, and the wound typically heals relatively quickly. Though it may seem insignificant, anyone who has experienced a papercut knows that it can be an irritating and bothersome injury. (I hate papercuts! My toes are curling, I have goosebumps and a shiver down my spine just describing a papercut.)

Just as a paper cut can continue to sting when exposed to irritants at different times before it eventually heals, trauma can also evoke emotional pain when triggered by various factors during the healing process.

When we experience a paper cut, the initial pain may subside, but the wound remains sensitive. Even minor contact with the affected area can trigger a fresh wave of discomfort, making us aware that the healing process is ongoing. Similarly, when we go through trauma, whether BIG T or little t, the initial shock and acute distress might fade with time. However, the emotional wound left behind remains sensitive and can be easily reactivated by different triggers.

For instance, a survivor of a car accident may feel relatively stable in their daily life, but the sound of screeching tires or the sight of a crash on TV could suddenly resurrect feelings of fear and anxiety. Similarly, someone who experienced emotional neglect during childhood might find themselves struggling with feelings of worthlessness or abandonment in certain interpersonal situations.

Both physical wounds and emotional traumas heal at their own pace. While the pain from a paper cut might fade within a few days, emotional healing from trauma can take much longer. Just like a paper cut can leave a scar, trauma can leave lasting emotional imprints that require time, self-compassion, and support to fully recover.

The key is to recognize that both paper cuts and trauma healing are susceptible to reactivation by various triggers. It’s essential to acknowledge and address these triggers, offering ourselves patience and understanding throughout the healing process. By doing so, we can gradually reduce the sensitivity to these triggers and foster resilience in the face of future challenges.

As I look back on my journey through life, I realize that the concept of trauma is not always limited to big, dramatic events that shake us to our core. Instead, it can be a slow and steady erosion of our well-being, a death by a thousand paper cuts so to say . Throughout the years, these seemingly insignificant moments accumulate, leaving deep imprints on our minds, hearts, and souls.

Growing up, as we all do, I faced numerous challenges and hurdles, some of which may have appeared trivial to others, but they left lasting scars on my heart. The constant pressure to conform to societal norms, religious pressure, the relentless comparison with others, and the feeling of not being good enough gnawed away at me like paper cuts, slowly wearing me down. It was the accumulation of these small hurts that took a toll on my mental and emotional health, making it difficult to navigate through life with peace of mind anxiety-free.

The fear of judgment and rejection was a constant companion. While overall I don’t lack self confidence, each disappointment and rejection felt like another paper cut, stinging my confidence causing me to doubt. The weight of these experiences slowly made me withdraw and avoid situations that might trigger more pain. Having been manipulated and hurt by those I thought were close to me, I found it challenging to trust others, to open up, and to let myself be vulnerable, fearing that each interaction might lead to more emotional cuts. I would rather distance myself and not be involved than risk being caught up in hurt, drama, and vulnerability.

The pressure to succeed in my career, the heartbreak of failed relationships, and the feeling of inadequacy in various aspects of life all added to the collection of paper cuts. Each setback felt like a confirmation of my perceived inadequacies, reinforcing the negative self-talk that had become ingrained.

I consistently downplayed my struggles and challenges by comparing them to others who had experienced more severe hardships. I have never endured a major traumatic event, I never suffered a Big T trauma. It took me a long time to recognize the true impact of these accumulated paper cuts. I had to learn that acknowledging and addressing the smaller hurts was just as crucial as dealing with more significant traumas.Self-compassion became a lifeline as I sought to heal from these wounds.

Through intentional personal work and self-reflection, I began to peel back the layers and confront the pain that I had buried for so long. It was a gradual process of acknowledging the hurt and learning to let go of the shame associated with it. I had to remind myself that it was okay to feel hurt by these seemingly insignificant events and that my pain was valid.

Healing from “death by a thousand paper cuts” wasn’t a quick fix, but over time, I started to build healthier boundaries and coping mechanisms and surrounding myself with supportive and understanding people.

Now, as I reflect on my past experiences, I realize that it’s essential to be mindful of the impact of seemingly small events on our mental and emotional well-being. Trauma can take many forms, and healing requires us to extend kindness and understanding to ourselves. By embracing the concept of “BIG T/little t Trauma,” I have learned to treat myself with compassion recognizing that the impact of my experiences, both major life events and smaller, seemingly insignificant moments, shapes who I am today. Understanding that not all traumas are overt or easily identifiable has allowed me to be more gentle with myself, acknowledging that even seemingly small stressors can accumulate and affect my well-being.

Through this awareness, rather than judging myself for my reactions or dismissing my feelings as unwarranted, I now honor them as valid responses to the various events in my life. This newfound compassion has empowered me to give myself the time and space needed to heal and grow from these experiences.

Moreover, embracing the concept of “BIG T/little t Trauma” has helped me acknowledge the importance of self-care and seeking support when needed. I no longer downplay my emotions or convince myself that I should be “stronger” in the face of challenges. Instead, I actively seek out helpful resources to navigate the complexities of my feelings and find healthier ways to cope.

By treating myself with compassion, I have also become more understanding and empathetic towards others’ struggles. Recognizing the varied impacts of trauma in people’s lives has allowed me to be a better friend, wife, mother and member of my community. I now approach interactions with greater sensitivity and kindness, knowing that everyone carries their unique burdens and that a little compassion can go a long way in helping others heal.

Embracing the concept of “BIG T/little t Trauma” has been a transformative journey that has enabled me to treat myself and others with the kindness and understanding that we all deserve. It has taught me that our experiences, no matter how significant they may seem, shape our lives and deserve acknowledgment and compassion.

Here is a bit more information about BIG T/little t Trauma.

BIG T/little t Trauma is a framework used in psychology to differentiate between major traumas and more subtle, everyday experiences that can still have a significant impact on an individual’s well-being. The concept was introduced by psychologist Robert J. Anda and his colleagues in their groundbreaking Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. (Felitti et al., 2019)

BIG T Trauma:
BIG T Trauma refers to major, highly distressing, and often life-threatening events that can have a profound and immediate impact on a person’s life. These events are usually single incidents or short-term occurrences that involve a significant threat to physical or emotional well-being. Examples of BIG T Trauma include:

Physical or sexual abuse
Natural disasters
Serious accidents
War or combat experiences
Sudden loss of a loved one
Witnessing or experiencing violence
Being forced into a situation in which you have a phobia

These types of traumas are more commonly recognized and acknowledged by society, and the effects are often more evident in the person’s functioning and mental health.

Little t Trauma:
On the other hand, little t trauma refers to the accumulation of smaller, less severe, and sometimes chronic stressors that may not appear as traumatic on their own but can have a cumulative impact over time. These experiences are often interpersonal in nature and can affect an individual’s emotional well-being and sense of safety. Examples of little t trauma include:

Bullying or social rejection
Emotional neglect or abandonment
Frequent criticism or humiliation
Subtle or overt racism
Microaggressions, discrimination, and prejudice
Loss of a Pet
Ongoing family conflict
Consistent passive aggression
Being part of a toxic community
Financial instability or poverty
Chronic illness or medical issues
Religious and spiritual manipulation
Academic Stress
Accidents or Injuries
Social Rejection
Loss of a Friendship
Feeling the need to keep a secret or hide something
Public Speaking or Performance Anxiety
Having choices consistently made for you, without your input or agency

While each of these events might not be overwhelming on its own, the repeated exposure to such stressors can wear down an individual’s resilience and lead to emotional distress. The effects of little t trauma may not be immediately apparent but can manifest in various ways, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties, or coping mechanisms like substance abuse.

Understanding the distinction between BIG T and little t trauma is essential because people who have experienced little t Traumas might not recognize or validate their own pain. These individuals might believe that their struggles are not significant enough to warrant attention or that they should just “get over it.” However, acknowledging and addressing these experiences can be crucial for healing and promoting mental well-being.

Therapy and support can be helpful in processing both BIG T and little t traumas, as well as developing coping strategies and building resilience. Recognizing that both types of trauma can have a significant impact allows for a more comprehensive understanding of a person’s life experiences and emotional struggles.

I would like to add that racism can be both a “little t” and “big T” trauma, depending on the specific experiences and the impact it has on an individual. For some people, experiencing subtle or overt racism throughout their lives can be considered a “little t” trauma. These microaggressions, discrimination, and prejudice can accumulate and result in emotional distress, feelings of marginalization, and a decreased sense of self-worth.

On the other hand, for others, racism can lead to more significant and acute traumas, falling under the category of “big T” trauma. This can include experiences of hate crimes, racial violence, systemic discrimination, or witnessing acts of racism targeted at oneself or others.

It is important to recognize that racism affects individuals and communities differently, and the impact of these experiences can be profound and long-lasting. Regardless of whether racism is considered a “little t” or “big T” trauma, it is crucial to address and combat racism in all its forms and offer support to those who have been affected by it.

References and Resources

APA PsycNet. (n.d.). https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2019-58373-001

Brown, J. E., & Collicutt, J. (2022). Psalms 90, 91 and 92 as a means of coping with trauma and adversity. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1080/13674676.2021.2021873

Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V. J., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (2019). REPRINT OF: Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 56(6), 774–786. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2019.04.001

Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V. J., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0749-3797(98)00017-8 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9635069/

Find help. (n.d.). https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help

Lanius, R. A., Frewen, P. A., Vermetten, E., & Yehuda, R. (2010). Fear conditioning and early life vulnerabilities: two distinct pathways of emotional dysregulation and brain dysfunction in PTSD. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 1(1). https://doi.org/10.3402/ejpt.v1i0.5467

Loewenthal, K. M. (2022). Religious change and post-traumatic growth following EMDR trauma therapy. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1080/13674676.2021.2016668

Muse, M., & Stahl, S. M. (2017). Anxiety disorders. In John Wiley & Sons, Ltd eBooks (pp. 107–135). https://doi.org/10.1002/9781119152606.ch6

Napier, T. R., Howell, K. H., Schaefer, L. M., & Schwartz, L. E. (2020). Differentiating the effects of anxious and avoidant attachment on depression and resilience following trauma. Journal of American College Health. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2020.1762605

Ogilvie, L., & Carson, J. (2021). Trauma, stages of change and post traumatic growth in addiction: A new synthesis. Journal of Substance Use, 27(2), 122–127. https://doi.org/10.1080/14659891.2021.1905093

Robinson, L. (2023). Emotional and psychological trauma. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm

Shafiei, M., Rezaei, F., & Sadeghi, M. (2022). The role of childhood traumas, interpersonal problems, and contrast avoidance model in development of the generalized anxiety disorder: A structural equation modeling. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 14(3), 377–385. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0001117

Staff, J. P. (2019, December 20). What’s the Difference Between Big “T” and Little “t” Trauma? JourneyPure at the River. https://journeypureriver.com/big-t-little-t-trauma/

Ungar, M. (2013). Resilience, trauma, context, and culture. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 14(3), 255–266. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838013487805

Weinstein, T. (2022, June 22). Big T vs. Little t Trauma in Young Adults: Is There a Difference? Newport Institute. https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/big-t-little-t-trauma/

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Why Is It Some People Are So Much Easier to Forgive Than Others?

October 17, 2023October 15, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood8 Comments

If you have been reading my posts the last few months you know that I have been working through some things over the past few years!! Truly forgiving is one of the hardest things I have been working on.

Forgiving someone can be such a tricky thing. I’ve noticed that there are certain people who are just easier for me to forgive than others. It’s not always easy to put my finger on exactly why, but I have been thinking about it a lot and I think there are a few reasons behind it.

First off, it really depends on the severity of what they did. If it’s just a small mistake or a minor offense, of course I tend to let it slide more easily. We’re all human, after all, and we all make mistakes. So, when it’s something small, it’s easier for me to brush it off and move on.

But when it comes to more serious stuff, like intentional harm or betrayal, forgiveness becomes a whole different story. It’s harder to forgive when you feel like someone purposely hurt you or had bad intentions. In those cases, it takes a lot more soul-searching and understanding to find it in my heart to forgive.

Another big factor for me is how the person handles the situation afterwards. If they show genuine remorse and actively try to make things right, it’s much easier for me to forgive. Seeing that they’re truly sorry and taking responsibility for their actions makes a big difference. It shows that they’re willing to change and make amends, and that goes a long way.

Trust is also a huge part of the equation. If I have a solid foundation of trust with someone, built through positive experiences and consistent behavior, forgiving them is a bit easier. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together, and when it’s intact, it’s easier to forgive.

Of course, personal history and past experiences also come into play. If I’ve been hurt in similar ways before, it can make forgiveness a bit more challenging. It’s hard to let go of past pain and wounds, and sometimes they can linger, making forgiveness feel like an uphill battle.

Lastly, my own emotional state plays a role too. If I’m in a good place emotionally, forgiving others becomes a little easier. But if I’m feeling overwhelmed by my own pain or holding onto resentment, forgiveness can seem like an impossible task.

It has taken me a long time to forgiving someone when they are not sorry, and while true forgiveness doesn’t always require them to be sorry, it does demand a significant degree of inner strength and personal growth. Forgiving someone who has hurt us, even when they show no remorse, is tough but it signifies our ability to rise above anger, resentment, and the desire for revenge, choosing instead to let go of the emotional burdens that have weighed us down.It’s more about how I choose to handle the situation and my own emotional well-being. Sure, it’s nice when someone shows remorse and apologizes, but I have some to realize that forgiveness is ultimately a personal decision. Sometimes, people can be unwilling or unable to admit that they’ve done something wrong. It can be frustrating and make forgiveness seem even more challenging. But here’s the thing: forgiveness is ultimately about me, not them.

I have learned the hard way not to feel like I need to wait for an apology before forgiving someone, sometimes I might be waiting forever. I have the power to choose forgiveness and let go of the weight that comes with holding onto grudges. I’ve come to think about it like this: forgiving someone is like giving yourself a gift. It’s about freeing yourself from the negative emotions and moving forward. So, even if the other person doesn’t apologize and will never apologize, I can still choose to forgive them for my own sake.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that I have to forget or pretend like nothing happened. I can still hold them accountable for their actions and set boundaries when needed. I have come to discover that forgiveness is about finding peace for myself, not necessarily about reconciling or continuing the same level of relationship.

When someone won’t admit their wrongdoing, it doesn’t mean you have to hold onto anger or resentment indefinitely. Holding onto those negative feelings can weigh you down and prevent you from moving forward. I have the power to choose forgiveness, regardless of whether or not they acknowledge their actions.

I often think of the thought-provoking statement: “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to realize that the prisoner was you.” When we hold onto grudges or refuse to forgive, it’s as if we’re keeping ourselves imprisoned by our own anger, resentment, and pain. We become trapped in a cycle of negative emotions that can weigh us down and prevent us from experiencing true peace and happiness.

When you choose to forgive, you’re not only extending compassion and understanding to others, but you’re also granting yourself the freedom to live a more joyful and fulfilled life.

Forgiveness frees the prisoner’s chains,
Only to reveal the captive remains.
The prisoner, not an external foe,
But the burdened heart that needed to let go.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

It’s Not Me, It’s You! What’s The Deal With Hyper-critical People?!

October 14, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

Abstract/TL;DR:Hyper-critical people often have their own insecurities or perfectionistic tendencies that lead them to nitpick and criticize. Their behavior may stem from past experiences or a desire for validation. Dealing with them can be challenging, but it’s important not to take their criticism personally. Setting boundaries, open communication, and prioritizing your own well-being are key when interacting with hyper-critical individuals. Remember, you can’t change their behavior, but you can control your own reactions and choices.

Ah, hyper-critical people can be quite challenging to deal with! They always seem to find fault in everything and have a tendency to nitpick and criticize.

For some, it might stem from their own insecurities or perfectionistic tendencies. They may have high standards for themselves and, consciously or unconsciously, project those same standards onto others. In their minds, pointing out flaws and criticizing becomes a way to maintain a sense of control or superiority.

In other cases, hyper-critical behavior may be a result of past experiences or learned behavior. Perhaps they grew up in an environment where they faced constant criticism, and it has become their default way of interacting with others. They might believe that being hyper-critical is the only way to motivate or improve people, even though it can often have the opposite effect.

I remember a time when I found myself at the receiving end of relentless criticism from a hyper-critical person, and it really took a toll on my emotions. This person seemed to have an uncanny ability to find fault in everything I did. No matter how hard I tried or how well I thought I had done, they would always manage to point out some flaw or imperfection.

At first, I brushed it off, thinking maybe they were just having a bad day or going through a rough patch. But as the criticisms continued to pile up, I couldn’t help but feel disheartened and upset. It felt as though nothing I did was ever good enough.

Each time they nitpicked at me or highlighted a mistake, it felt like a personal attack on my abilities and worth. Each interaction with them left me feeling discouraged and sick to my stomach. I dreaded being around them. I started questioning myself and doubting my skills. I became hyper-aware of every little detail, second-guessing my decisions and constantly seeking reassurance. (Imposter syndrome, hello?!)

It was during this challenging period that I began to reflect on their hyper-critical nature. I realized that I was doing a good job, and their behavior even though it was hurtful, it wasn’t really about me—it was about them. Perhaps they had their own insecurities and a need for control, and criticizing others gave them a sense of power. Or maybe they had grown up in an environment where criticism was the norm, and they simply didn’t know any other way to interact.

Understanding the potential reasons behind their hyper-critical behavior helped me put things into perspective. While their criticism was still hurtful, I realized that it wasn’t a reflection of my capabilities or worth as a person. It was more about their own unresolved issues and their way of navigating the world.

Still, despite gaining this insight, it wasn’t easy to shrug off the hurtful comments. I decided to try to have an open and honest conversation with them, expressing how their constant criticism was affecting me. I hoped that by sharing my feelings, we could find a way to communicate more constructively. (I had also recently taken a graduate class which covered having crucial conversations and was feeling emboldened by my new knowledge.)

To my surprise, they were receptive to my concerns. They hadn’t even realized the impact their hyper-critical behavior was having on me. We had a heartfelt discussion where we both shared our perspectives and tried to find common ground. It was a breakthrough moment that allowed us to understand each other better.Even though their personality remains unchanged, they continue to display a critical nature. However, now that the topic of discussion has been broached, it becomes more manageable to address it when I start to feel overwhelmed by their criticism.

However, not all situations have a happy resolution. In some cases, despite my efforts to communicate and find understanding, the hyper-critical behavior persisted. It became evident that being around them was detrimental to my well-being. I had to make a tough decision to distance myself from that toxic environment and surround myself with more supportive people.

Looking back, that experience with a hyper-critical person taught me a lot about resilience and self-worth. It reinforced the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing my mental and emotional well-being. While it was challenging, it also helped me develop empathy and compassion toward others who might be going through their own struggles.

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation, remember that the criticisms of hyper-critical individuals are not a reflection of your value or abilities. Seek understanding, communicate openly, and prioritize your own well-being. And remember, you are more than capable of rising above the negativity and finding your own path to success and happiness.

Check out the book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory

Dealing with hyper-critical people can be challenging, but with the principles from “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High,” you can approach these situations more effectively. Here are some tips:

Stay Calm and Emotionally Balanced: When faced with criticism, it’s natural to feel defensive or upset. However, try to remain calm and composed. Avoid reacting impulsively or becoming defensive as this can escalate the situation.
Create a Safe Environment: Make sure the conversation takes place in a safe and private space. Avoid public settings where the person may feel embarrassed or cornered. A safe environment encourages open communication.
Listen Actively: Practice active listening to understand their concerns fully. Let them express their criticisms without interrupting. Sometimes, people just need to be heard, and it can de-escalate the situation.
Separate the Person from the Behavior: Focus on the specific behavior or issue being criticized rather than attacking the person. Avoid making personal attacks or judgments.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Ask questions to understand the underlying reasons behind their criticisms. Use open-ended questions like “Could you tell me more about what concerns you?” to encourage a deeper conversation.
Agree Where You Can: If you genuinely agree with some of their points, acknowledge it. This shows that you are willing to consider their perspective and can create a more constructive atmosphere.
Find Common Ground: Look for common goals or interests you both share. Establishing common ground can help build rapport and ease tensions.
Share Your Perspective: Express your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements. Speak calmly and assertively, explaining your side of the story without attacking or blaming them.
Avoid Escalation: If the conversation becomes heated or unproductive, take a step back and suggest revisiting it later when both of you have had time to cool off.
Use “Contrast” to Clarify Intentions: If the person misconstrues your intentions, use the “Contrast” technique to clarify what you don’t mean. This involves correcting any misunderstandings and stating what you do mean.
Focus on Solutions: Shift the conversation toward finding solutions rather than dwelling on the criticisms. Collaborate to find common ground and brainstorm potential resolutions.
Know When to Set Boundaries: If the person’s criticisms become abusive or overly aggressive, it’s essential to set boundaries for what behavior is acceptable during the conversation.

Keep in mind that not all critical feedback is negative; it can offer valuable insights for personal growth and improvement. By approaching these conversations with empathy, active listening, and an open mind, you can turn them into opportunities for positive change and stronger relationships.

Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes are High | lookingjoligood.blog

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Lifestyle

The Power of Constructive Criticism

October 13, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist. I like to do things right, and I don’t like to make mistakes. This can be a good thing, but it can also be a bit of a hindrance. Sometimes, I’m so focused on doing things perfectly that I don’t allow myself to learn from my mistakes.

That’s where constructive criticism comes in. Constructive criticism is feedback that is given in a way that is helpful and not hurtful. It’s about pointing out areas where you can improve, without making you feel bad about yourself.

I’ve learned to embrace constructive criticism over the years. I’ve realized that it’s not a personal attack, but rather an opportunity to grow and learn. When I receive constructive criticism, I try to listen to it with an open mind. I ask myself if there’s any truth to what the person is saying, and if there is, I try to figure out how I can improve.

When someone offers me constructive criticism, it’s an opportunity for me to see things from a different perspective. It helps me step outside of my own bubble and gain valuable insights into how I can become better. Instead of feeling defensive or hurt, I try to embrace the feedback with an open mind and a willingness to learn.

Of course, not all criticism is constructive. There’s a fine line between providing helpful feedback and simply being negative. That’s why I value constructive criticism from people who I trust want to help me become a better version of myself. With their help the focus is on identifying areas for improvement while offering practical suggestions for growth. It’s a way of highlighting my strengths and weaknesses without tearing me down.

Constructive criticism has helped me to identify my weaknesses and work on them. It’s also helped me to become more resilient. I’ve learned that it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as I learn from them.

If you’re like me and you’re not always open to constructive criticism, I encourage you to give it a try. It can be a powerful tool for growth and improvement.

Here are some tips I have been working on for receiving constructive criticism in a positive way:

Listen to the feedback with an open mind.
Don’t take it personally.
Ask questions to clarify anything you don’t understand.
Thank the person for their feedback.
Set a goal to improve in the area that was criticized.

Constructive criticism can be a valuable tool for growth and improvement. If you’re willing to listen to it with an open mind, it can help you to become a better version of yourself.

Looking Joli Good

Kindness is beautiful!

Tag: cult

Fundamentally Enmeshed Family

The Poison of Passive Aggression

Hurt People Hurt People

Happy Halloween: The Scariest Movies I Have Ever Seen

The Importance of Checking In with Yourself to Manage Anxiety

Unraveling the Impact

BIG T little t Trauma: Death By a Thousand Papercuts

Why Is It Some People Are So Much Easier to Forgive Than Others?

It’s Not Me, It’s You! What’s The Deal With Hyper-critical People?!

The Power of Constructive Criticism

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