Zero Sum Game Belief: A Paradigm Worth Challenging

September 5, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: The zero-sum game belief is the mindset that assumes resources and opportunities are fixed, leading to a competitive and scarcity-based mentality. However, not everything is a zero-sum game, and positive-sum thinking offers a more empowering alternative. Positive-sum outcomes occur when everyone involved can benefit, and collaboration leads to innovative solutions. Overcoming the zero-sum game belief involves awareness, cultivating abundance and gratitude, adopting a growth mindset, building trust, and surrounding oneself with positive-sum thinkers. This shift in mindset can enhance decision-making, relationships, and overall outlook on life.

zero-sum game belief | lookingjoligood.blog

I wanted to share something fascinating that I recently learned and it completely changed my perspective on decision-making and how I perceive opportunities and life situations in general. It’s all about this concept called the “zero-sum game belief.”

You know how sometimes we tend to think that if someone else gains something, it automatically means that we lose out? Well, that’s what the zero-sum game belief is all about. It’s this mindset where we assume that resources are fixed, opportunities are limited, and that success for one person must come at the expense of another.

But here’s the mind-blowing part, it turns out that not everything is truly a zero-sum game. While there are situations where this dynamic exists, like in competitive sports or specific economic transactions, it doesn’t hold true for every aspect of life.

I’ve come to realize that this belief can be quite limiting. It can lead us to view everything as a competition, constantly comparing ourselves to others and feeling threatened by their successes. It creates a sense of scarcity and fosters an environment where collaboration and cooperation take a backseat. (Us vs them mindset)

There’s an alternative mindset called positive-sum thinking, and it’s incredibly empowering. Positive-sum outcomes occur when everyone involved can benefit, and the total gains surpass the total losses. It’s about recognizing that resources can be created, opportunities can be expanded, and collaboration can lead to innovative solutions that benefit all parties involved.

Let’s look at a situation from my own life that I have previously spoken about:

In my former community, there was a woman who, driven by her own struggles with competitiveness, insecurities, and social awkwardness, viewed my friendly nature and ease in social situations, among other things, as a threat. It is important to note that I, too, had my own zero-sum game mindset at that time. I saw her as competition and believed that for me to win, she had to lose. This mindset only fueled the negativity and tension between us.

Instead of embracing the opportunity to learn from one another and grow together, we both fell into a pattern of undermining each other’s confidence and trying to make the other feel inadequate. It was a toxic cycle that fed off our insecurities and created a hostile environment.

Looking back, I realize that had we both let go of our zero-sum game thinking, our interactions could have been so different. We could have supported and uplifted each other, celebrating our unique strengths and learning from our differences. We might have even been able to stay friends, finding common ground and helping each other overcome our respective struggles.

It’s a lesson I’ve learned since then, recognizing the destructiveness of a zero-sum game mindset and striving to approach relationships and interactions with a more collaborative and supportive mindset.

By embracing positive-sum thinking, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. Instead of feeling threatened by others’ successes, we can focus on our own growth and development. We can seek out opportunities for collaboration, tap into collective strengths, and create win-win situations.

So how do we overcome this zero-sum game belief? It starts with awareness. We need to recognize when we’re falling into that mindset and consciously challenge it. We can question the assumptions that everything is limited and that someone else’s success automatically means our failure.

We can cultivate a sense of abundance and gratitude for what we have, appreciating the opportunities available to us. Instead of seeing setbacks or challenges as failures, we can view them as opportunities for growth and learning. We can adopt a growth mindset, where we believe that our success is not dependent on someone else’s failure, but rather on our own efforts and continuous improvement.

Building trust and fostering positive relationships are also key. When we trust others and believe in their good intentions, collaboration becomes easier. We can work together, combining our strengths and expertise to achieve outcomes that benefit all parties involved.

Lastly, surrounding ourselves with people who embrace positive-sum thinking can have a profound impact. When we engage in conversations, read books, or listen to podcasts that promote a growth mindset and collaboration, it reinforces our own mindset shift. I’m really excited about this new perspective, and I believe it has the potential to enhance my decision-making, relationships, and overall outlook on life.

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“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” How Maya Angelou Lead Me To Setting Boundaries

September 3, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood8 Comments

Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them second chances, I’m thankful for the second chances I have been given, but if someone consistently displays negative traits or hurts us with their actions, we shouldn’t ignore the signs or make excuses for them. Trusting their true nature can save us from unnecessary pain and help us make healthier choices in our relationships.

I have had many personal experiences where I have learned the hard way about the importance of this quote. Let me share one in particular. Initially, the person I spent time with seemed genuinely nice and friendly, however, as time passed, they continuously asked more and more from me. They made requests I didn’t want to fulfill, and it seemed like they didn’t truly value my time or our friendship; it felt as though I was more of an unpaid employee than a friend. Despite their actions, I kept giving them second chances, hoping that things would eventually improve. They did not.

Sometimes, they showed kindness and thoughtfulness, which added to the confusion. But deep down, my intuition told me something was off. Clear signs of their true nature were evident, yet I brushed them aside, believing I could handle their behaviors. While they weren’t a bad person, our priorities significantly differed. I began to feel overwhelmed whenever I knew I’d be interacting with them.

Then, something happened that was the last straw. The constant drip, drip, drip of disappointments and hurtful actions reached its peak. It was as if all the warning signs were shouting at me, urging me to believe what I had seen from the beginning. I finally realized that Maya Angelou was right all along. I had seen who they really were from the beginning, but I chose not to believe it. I kept holding onto the hope that things would change, but it wasn’t meant to be.

I must acknowledge that I wasn’t blameless in this situation. Dealing with an overwhelming amount of difficult life circumstances at the time, I’m certain I didn’t handle everything in the best way possible. My own struggles and emotions influenced how I reacted to the events around me. While it doesn’t excuse the hurtful behavior I experienced, it’s essential for me to take responsibility for my part in the dynamics of that relationship. Recognizing my own flaws and learning from those experiences has been an important step in my personal growth and in navigating healthier connections in the future.

After that experience, I learned to trust my gut and pay attention to people’s actions. I don’t rush to judge anyone, but I’ve become more cautious about who I let into my life. If someone consistently shows me that they can’t be trusted or that they don’t value our relationship, I take it seriously.

This quote from Maya Angelou serves as a reminder to respect ourselves and our feelings. It’s okay to let go of toxic relationships, even if it hurts at first. We deserve to be surrounded by people who truly care about us and show it through their actions. So, now I try my best to believe people when they show me who they are, without ignoring the warning signs. It’s a lesson I won’t forget, and it has helped me grow and find more meaningful connections in my life.

After that experience, I realized the importance of setting boundaries in my relationships. It was an important lesson I learned, and it changed the way I approached my connections with others. Setting boundaries means knowing and communicating what’s acceptable and what’s not in our relationships, and it’s essential for maintaining our well-being and self-respect.

Sometimes we end up letting ourselves get hurt and upset because we care deeply about not hurting or upsetting others. We want to be kind and avoid conflicts, so we end up putting our feelings aside. Possibly we don’t want to rock the boat and keep everything smooth and peaceful. But the thing is, holding back our emotions can take a toll on us, and we might end up feeling neglected or unimportant. Finding the courage to express how we feel without being confrontational is important for our well-being. We need to remember that our feelings matter too, and it’s okay to let others know what’s going on with us. Striking that balance between being considerate of others and taking care of ourselves is worth undertaking for healthier relationships and our own happiness.

A book that has been instrumental in helping me set healthy boundaries is incidentally called “Boundaries” written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr Townsend. Reading this book was absolutely an eye-opener for me. Their insights and practical advice really resonated with my own experiences, and it helped me see the importance of defining healthy limits in all aspects of my life.

The book highlights the significance of recognizing our personal limits and how it’s okay to say “no” when something doesn’t align with our values or makes us uncomfortable. It gave me the courage to put myself and my family first and prioritize my well-being without feeling guilty about it.

Learning about setting boundaries also allowed me to understand that it’s not only about protecting myself from harmful relationships but also about adopting healthier and more meaningful connections. By setting clear boundaries, I found that I could build trust and respect with the people who truly valued and understood my needs.

This book offered practical tips on how to communicate boundaries effectively and how to handle situations when others might push back. It taught me that it’s okay to stand firm in my boundaries, even if it means walking away from toxic relationships.

Combining the wisdom from Maya Angelou’s quote, the lessons from “Boundaries,” and my own personal life experiences, I started to approach my relationships with a more confident and self-aware mindset. I’ve become better at recognizing when someone’s actions don’t align with their words, and I’m more assertive in communicating my boundaries.

Setting boundaries is not about attempting to control another person’s actions. Instead, it’s about making a conscious choice regarding what I am willing to accept concerning those actions. By establishing clear boundaries, I define the limits of what is acceptable and what is not in our relationship. It’s a way of prioritizing my own well-being and self-respect without seeking to impose my will on others. Boundaries enable me to communicate my needs and values, encouraging healthier connections and mutual understanding.

“The people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.” This quote emphasizes that when we establish boundaries in our relationships, especially with people who were used to taking advantage of our lack of boundaries, they might react negatively or feel upset about the change. Setting boundaries can disrupt the dynamics that allowed them to benefit from our lack of limits, and they may not be comfortable with this shift. However, despite their reaction, it’s important to prioritize your well-being and maintain healthy boundaries for ourselves.

Setting boundaries has not only improved my relationships but has also helped me grow personally. It’s empowering to know that I have control over who I let into my life and how I let them treat me. I’m grateful for the lessons learned and for the tools I gained from the book Boundaries, as they’ve been instrumental in creating healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.

Disclaimer: I am still a work in progress. As I navigate through life, I acknowledge that I have areas to improve, particularly when it comes to setting boundaries and trusting my instincts. I recognize that I am not perfect, and the people I interact with and build relationships with are also on their own journeys of growth and progress. As we all continue to learn and evolve, I am committed to being more self-aware and open to understanding my own limitations and flaws. My aim is to grow healthy connections, while also allowing room for understanding and compassion for both myself and others, as we each strive to become the best versions of ourselves.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Love and Life

A Lightbulb Moment: Do Not Let Others Diminish Your Worth, Refusing to Accept Projected Negativity.

August 25, 2023August 24, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

TL;DR: When someone offers you a gift and you choose not to accept it, the gift remains with the giver. Similarly, when someone tries to bring you down with their negativity and you don’t allow it to affect you, their negativity remains theirs. By refusing to internalize their toxic energy, you retain control over your emotions and maintain your self-worth. Taking responsibility for our own behavior and creating a positive space is essential in dealing with destructive emotions like jealousy and fostering unity and trust.

I recently had a significant realization, a true lightbulb moment, and I’m excited to share it with you! It’s something I’ve learned that has made a profound impact on me: When someone gives you a gift and you choose not to accept it, the gift still belongs to the person who offered it. By declining the gift, you are indicating that you do not wish to possess or take ownership of it. Therefore, the gift remains the property of the giver unless they decide to offer it to someone else or take it back.

The same is true when someone tries to bring you down with their negativity and you don’t allow it to affect you, the impact and ownership of their negativity remain with them. By refusing to internalize their negative words or actions, you are essentially declining to accept their toxic energy. Just like the unaccepted gift, their negativity continues to belong to them. It doesn’t become a part of you or define your worth. Instead, they are left holding onto their own negativity, while you retain control over your own emotions and maintain a sense of self-worth independent of their attempts to bring you down.

light bulb moment | lookingjoligood.blog

Let me share an example from my own life as I understand the situation. In my former community, there was a woman who, driven by her own struggles with competitiveness, insecurities, and social awkwardness, viewed my friendly nature and ease in social situations, along with other things, as a threat. In response, she attempted to undermine my confidence and make me feel inadequate for possessing these positive qualities that came naturally to me.

While I was initially unaware of her feelings, unfortunately, her jealousy began to seep into her interactions with me and she also actively attempted to negatively alter others’ perception of me. This occurred during a particularly rough period of my life, reflecting on that challenging time, I must honestly admit that I didn’t respond with the maturity and kindness that I should have. I have to take ownership of my own shortcomings in this situation. However, as I look back, I realize that had I simply refused to internalize her attempts to make me feel bad about myself, she alone would have been left with the negativity she intended to impose on me.

Looking back with this new perspective, had I rejected their toxic energy, and maintained control over my emotions and preserve my sense of self-worth I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and frustration. This experience sheds light on the destructive nature of jealousy, revealing its ability to erode unity and trust among peers.It’s important for me to remember that I am not responsible for the negative actions of others. However, I recognize the need to take responsibility for my own behavior and contribute to establishing a positive space for myself and those around me.

Disclaimer: It is important to understand that hurt people often have a tendency to hurt others. While this statement provides some insight into certain behaviors, it does not excuse or justify any form of harm inflicted upon others. It serves as a reminder to approach individuals with compassion and empathy, recognizing that their actions may stem from their own unresolved pain and struggles. Nonetheless, it is crucial to prioritize the well-being and safety of oneself and others, promoting healing and fostering healthy relationships.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Perpetually “Persecuted”? Understanding That People Are Not Against You, They Are For Themselves

August 4, 2023August 3, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

Abstract/TL;DR: Growing up with an “us vs. them” mentality, I was taught to interpreted the actions of others as attacks on my faith. However, I’ve come to understand that people are primarily driven by their own needs and circumstances. Jesus taught love, compassion, and unity, challenging divisions and emphasizing forgiveness. Recognizing that people are for themselves allows me to approach interactions with empathy and compassion, fostering unity amidst diverse perspectives. Bible verses emphasize love for others, unity, and breaking down divisions, reflecting Jesus’ teachings.

Perpetually "Persecuted"? | lookingjoligood.blog

As I have recently mentioned, having grown up in a religious culture that often promoted an “us vs. them” mentality, where people were categorized as either “saved or part of the world,” “for us or against us.” I was taught to interpret the actions of others as a direct attack on my faith or values. I was told that it was personal, as if their choices were deliberate attempts to undermine my beliefs. Over the years I’ve heard a lot about being “persecuted” by “them”. (Persecution is when people or groups face mistreatment, discrimination, or harassment because of their race, religion, beliefs, or identity. It involves targeting them unfairly, denying their rights, and subjecting them to unfair treatment, ranging from verbal abuse to physical violence.)

However, since leaving that community, I have come to learn a valuable lesson: people are not against me, but rather for themselves. Meaning, people are primarily driven by their own needs, desires, and circumstances, they are not interested in what I am doing unless it personally affects them.

Recognizing that individuals prioritize their own interests has allowed me to let go of the notion that their actions are intentionally against me. Rather than being preoccupied with comparisons or seeking external validation, I now try to approach interactions with empathy and compassion, understanding that they, like me, are navigating their own unique journeys. (You know, it’s been pretty amazing to realize that people don’t care about what I’m doing even half as much as I do. It’s been liberating, to say the least!)

While controversial topics are not my usual focus in posts, I am going to make a quick exception. One area where many evangelicals feel persecuted by them is the belief in a “gay agenda” coming to attack their families. This belief can lead to polarization, discrimination, and resistance to LGBTQ+ rights, straining relationships and limiting open dialogue. The concept of a “gay agenda” is a subject of debate, (one I have personally heard preached from the pulpit on more than one occasion) with some viewing it as an alleged organized effort by the LGBTQ+ community to promote their rights by attacking traditional family values (while others consider it a dismissive term for their struggles for equality.) In reality, there are evangelical organizations that work against LGBTQ+ rights, but as far as I know there is no unified “gay agenda” working against evangelical families. There is diverse advocacy for civil rights and social acceptance among LGBTQ+ individuals, which does not threaten family units.

While this is a hotly debated topic, it is essential to approach the subject with nuance and open-mindedness. Just because someone is different than you does not automatically make them wrong. Treating people in the LGBTQ+ community with dignity, love, and respect is crucial, just as all humans deserve. Showing kindness and treating fellow humans with dignity should be the absolute minimum expectation for any Christian. If you claim to love God, you prove that by showing love to all people. I must also add, some of the kindest and most interesting people I know are LGBTQ.

Many evangelicals claim to be persecuted, yet their actions often involve persecuting those who differ from them. They might discriminate, stigmatize, and resist people and communities that don’t fit their beliefs. They come together to boycott companies that support organizations and people with which they don’t agree. Even though they support “Christian” companies, which sometimes engage in questionable nefarious actions.So, while they claim to be victims, they end up perpetuating discrimination and marginalization against others. It’s crucial to be aware of these contradictions and treat everyone with respect and empathy, regardless of their beliefs or identities.

Despite religious cultures that promote an “us vs. them” mentality, that mentality completely contradicts what Jesus consistently preached. He emphasized love, compassion, and unity among all people, regardless of their background or beliefs.

One of the central teachings of Jesus was to love one’s neighbor as oneself. This teaching encourages individuals to extend love, care, and understanding to all people, without discrimination or division. Jesus exemplified this by interacting with individuals from different walks of life, including social outcasts, sinners, and even those from opposing religious groups.

The Sermon on the Mount is one of the most well-known and significant teachings of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew (Matthew 5-7). In this powerful sermon, Jesus delivers a profound message that outlines the principles and ethics of the Kingdom of God.

The Sermon on the Mount covers a wide range of topics, including the Beatitudes (blessed are the poor in spirit, the meek, the merciful, etc.), teachings on love and forgiveness, the importance of being salt and light in the world, and the fulfillment of the law.

Jesus emphasizes the transformation of the heart, encouraging his followers to go beyond mere external observances of the law and focus on the attitudes and intentions behind their actions. He challenges his listeners to love their enemies, pray for those who persecute them, and practice humility, purity of heart, and peacemaking.

The central theme of the Sermon on the Mount is love. Jesus calls his disciples to love God with all their hearts and to love their neighbors as themselves. He teaches that love should guide their relationships, actions, and decisions.

Jesus often challenged the rigid divisions prevalent in his society and emphasized the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation. He taught his followers to love their enemies, bless those who curse them, and pray for those who mistreat them. This message encouraged his disciples to rise above the divisive mentality and approach others with compassion and forgiveness.

Additionally, Jesus emphasized the value of unity and community. He emphasized love, compassion, and kindness towards others throughout his ministry. His teachings encouraged his followers to treat all individuals with respect and empathy, regardless of their background, social status, or circumstances. He prayed for his followers to be united as one, just as he and God the Father were one. Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of God, which transcends worldly divisions and includes all who follow his teachings.

In the Gospels, Jesus often spoke about the importance of loving one’s neighbor as oneself (Mark 12:31) and treating others the way you would want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). He showed compassion towards marginalized and outcast individuals, embracing those who were considered social outcasts during his time, such as tax collectors, sinners, and lepers.

Here are a few Bible verses that correspond to Jesus’ teachings about love, unity, and breaking down divisions:

Love for Others:

Mark 12:31: “The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
Matthew 5:44: “But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”

Unity and Oneness:

John 17:21: “I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.”
Ephesians 4:4-6: “For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all.”

Overcoming Divisions:

Galatians 3:28: “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Colossians 3:11: “In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.”

These verses reflect Jesus’ teachings of love, unity, and breaking down divisions among people. They emphasize the importance of extending love to all, embracing unity, and seeing one another as equal members of the Kingdom of God.

Understanding that people are for themselves and not against me has created space for healthier connections and more positive interactions. By embracing this truth, I can bridge the divide that the “us vs. them” mentality often creates, encouraging dialogue and a sense of unity amidst our diverse perspectives.

If you are interested in reading about what I have to say about The Consequences of Being Forced to Make Black and White Choices in a World of Filled with Gray Nuance you can click HERE.

Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. Hatred towards any group of people is wrong, and no Bible verses can justify or support such hatred, regardless of how they may be interpreted or twisted. Love, compassion, and empathy should guide our interactions with others, promoting respect and understanding for all individuals, regardless of their background, race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or identity.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.

Lifestyle

Give Yourself Permission to Break Free From Relationships That are Weighing You Down

July 27, 2023July 26, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

Abstract/TL;DR: It’s important to recognize when relationships are negatively impacting our well-being and to grant ourselves permission to break free. Letting go of toxic relationships creates space for positive energy and personal growth. Prioritizing our own well-being and happiness is not a failure but a courageous act of growth.

In life, we often find ourselves entangled in relationships that have an impact on our well-being. Some connections bring joy, support, and growth, while others can leave us feeling drained, stuck, and even worse about ourselves. It is during these moments that we need to grant ourselves the permission to break free. We need to recognize that we have the power to step away from relationships that are weighing us down, hindering our personal growth, or perpetuating negativity.

I’ve learned the hard way that it’s important to recognize when certain people or groups consistently make me feel worse about myself. It’s during those times that I need to reevaluate where I invest my time and energy.

Letting go can be daunting, even seemingly unattainable at times. But I can say with certainty, based on my own experiences, that while it is undeniably challenging, it is incredibly worth it. When I finally mustered the courage to distance myself from toxic relationships, a weight was lifted off my shoulders!

I realized that I was allowing these negative influences to hold me back, to prevent me from reaching my true potential. By breaking free, I created space in my life for positive energy and growth. It wasn’t easy, and there were moments of doubt and loneliness along the way. But the freedom and self-empowerment I gained far outweighed any temporary discomfort.

I realized that I deserved to be around people who uplifted me, supported my dreams, and made me feel good about myself. Those toxic relationships were like anchors, dragging me down. Letting go allowed me to soar and explore new horizons.

It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. It’s okay to prioritize your own happiness. It’s okay to let go of relationships that no longer serve you. Breaking free is not a failure; it’s a courageous act of self- love, growth and preservation.

So, give yourself permission to break free. Take that first step towards liberation, it will be a hard daunting journey that is worth taking. Embrace the unknown and trust that the journey towards a more fulfilling positive life is worth it.

Break free from chains that hold you tight,
Embrace liberation, embrace the light.
Give yourself permission to soar and thrive,
Release what weighs you down, come alive.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Love and Life

Abuse of Power Dynamics and Spiritual Manipulation at Places of Worship

July 25, 2023July 26, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: Power dynamics in churches can influence interactions and decisions within the community. When power is misused, it can lead to negative actions and behaviors, including spiritual manipulation and abuse. Victims may hesitate to speak out due to fear and the culture of secrecy within the church. Recognizing and addressing power dynamics, manipulation, and abuse is essential for creating safe and supportive church communities that prioritize the well-being of all members. Restoring the true values and teachings of love and respect is crucial for healing and justice.

*Please note the disclaimer below

Content Warning: I may not cover all of these things in detail, you might feel triggered by the content of this post.
CW: religious trauma, spiritual abuse, physical abuse, SA, guilt and shame, emotional manipulation, loss of community, and fear of rejection

Whether we are discussing the Catholic church, Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill, Bill Gothard and the ILBP, the Southern Baptist Convention, or any one of the several Hillsong church scandals, or, in my experience, within the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) religious institution, it is unfortunate that the subject of church leaders abusing their congregants has become so prevalent in the news.

Let’s start by talking about what power dynamics mean: Power dynamics determine who has power and control in relationships and social settings. Understanding them helps us see how power affects interactions and decisions. It shows how power can be used positively or negatively and its impact on individuals and communities.

In a church, power dynamics also involve spiritual control and authority. Leaders like pastors or priests hold significant power, making important decisions and guiding the church. Other influential people within the church community may include board members, deacons, elders, and Sunday school teachers. Power distribution can vary among churches, with some emphasizing equal sharing of power among members and others having a more centralized power structure.

Power dynamics in churches can be complex and complicated. While not all churches operate in the same way, I can share from my personal experience that power dynamics within a churches can sometimes lead to negative actions and behaviors, especially when combined with spiritual manipulation. This occurs when individuals in positions of authority misuse their power to control or exploit others. They may manipulate religious beliefs, practices, or teachings to influence people’s thoughts, actions, or emotions for their own benefit.

This behavior is deeply concerning because it not only affects people’s emotional well-being but also undermines the trust we place in the church, and the very foundation of our faith and belief system. When power is misused in this way, it can create confusion, guilt, and even lead to the loss of faith for some individuals.

In some cases, power dynamics within the church can discourage questioning or challenging authority, creating an environment where abusive behavior can occur. Perpetrators may exploit their position of authority to exert control over others, enabling them to engage in abusive actions. Victims often hesitate to speak out or report the abuse due to fears of potential consequences, such as social exclusion or disbelief. This fear-induced silence allows the abusers to continue their harmful behavior without facing accountability.

The power imbalance exacerbates the potential for abuse, as victims may feel intimidated or believe it is inappropriate to question those in positions of power. Abusers may distort or misuse religious teachings to justify their abusive actions or manipulate victims into compliance. They might manipulate religious beliefs, such as emphasizing forgiveness or submission, to silence victims or discourage them from seeking help.

Power imbalances can lead to a culture of secrecy and protection within the church. Leaders or community members might prioritize maintaining the reputation of the church or protecting the abuser over the well-being and safety of victims. This can prevent the disclosure of abuse and hinder the process of seeking justice.

Though it is important to note that not all religious leaders are abusers, the actions of those who engage in abusive behavior can unfortunately tarnish the reputation of the entire community.

In my experience within IFB religious institutions, I have witnessed how power dynamics can have detrimental effects. Within the church hierarchy, certain individuals hold positions of authority and control, which can lead to a misuse of power. This manipulation can result in hurt and harm to those within the community. For instance, I have seen church leaders use their authority to silence dissenting voices, discourage critical thinking, and enforce strict legalistic adherence to their interpretations of doctrine. This not only stifles individual autonomy but also creates an environment where questioning or expressing concerns is discouraged. As a result, manipulation and hurt can thrive, leaving many feeling marginalized and voiceless within the community they once trusted.

One significant issue I’ve observed is the breach of confidentiality within trusted counseling relationships. It is disheartening to witness people who are sought for guidance and support betray the trust placed in them by sharing confidential information. This breach of confidentiality not only undermines the sense of safety and privacy that should accompany counseling, but also leads to a breakdown in trust within the community. Such actions further perpetuate a cycle of manipulation, hurt, and a reluctance to seek help when it is truly needed. It is imperative that religious institutions emphasize and uphold the ethical standards of confidentiality, ensuring that individuals can confide in trusted counselors and leaders without fear of their personal struggles being divulged to others.

Recognizing and addressing power dynamics, spiritual manipulation, and abuse within religious institutions is crucial for fostering healthy, inclusive, and supportive communities. We need to create places where everyone feels safe to talk about their concerns and hold leaders responsible, and prioritize the well-being and integrity of everyone in the church community.

We should always focus on taking care of each other and treating everyone with respect. By shining a light on these problems, we can work towards healing, justice, and a restoration of the true values and teachings that are supposed to guide us, such as the greatest commandment to love God and love others as ourselves.

If you or someone you know is experiencing physical or sexual abuse, please reach out for help. There are organizations and helplines dedicated to providing support, guidance, and resources to those in need. No one should have to endure abuse, and seeking assistance is a crucial step towards safety and healing.

Click HERE for a list of helpful resources.

Help! | lookingjoligood.blog — resources for assistance with abuse.

Here are a few of the most well-known organizations and helplines:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline): 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) 800.799.SAFE (7233)

Childhelp USA (Childhelp): 1-800-422-4453

The National Human Trafficking Hotline (NHTH): 1-888-373-7888

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC): 1-800-THE-LOST (843-5678)

If you have access to a SAFE computer:

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) https://www.thehotline.org/ provides information and resources on domestic violence, including a state-by-state directory of domestic violence organizations.

Internet usage can be monitored and is impossible to erase completely. If you’re concerned your internet usage might be monitored, call them at 800.799.SAFE (7233). Learn more about digital security and remember to clear your browser history after visiting their website.

The National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC) provides information and resources on a variety of crime victim issues, including physical and sexual abuse. https://victimsofcrime.org/

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) https://www.rainn.org/ also has a number of online resources, including a chat hotline, a library of information, and a blog.

These are just a few of the many organizations and helplines that can provide support to victims of physical and sexual abuse.

In addition to these organizations, there are also many local resources available. You can contact your local police department, hospital, or mental health clinic for more information. If you have access to a safe computer you can also search online for “domestic violence resources” or “sexual assault resources” in your area.

You are not alone. There are people who care about you and want to help. Please reach out for help if you are being abused.

Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.

References

Abuser database. (n.d.). https://www.preacherboyspodcast.com/abuser-database#Australia

DeGroat, C. (2022). When narcissism comes to church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. InterVarsity Press.

Lucey, C. (2021). What is Spiritual Abuse and How Do We Recognize It? Christianity.com. https://www.christianity.com/wiki/church/what-does-spiritual-abuse-within-a-church-look-like.html

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

No Longer Confined

July 20, 2023July 14, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

In the depths of darkness, I once dwelled,
Bound by chains, within a confining cell.
A grip tightened, suffocating my soul,
As I longed for freedom, to reclaim control.

But then came a moment, a flicker of light,
A stirring within, a courageous flight.
I broke free from the shackles that held me tight,
Embracing a path bathed in truth and insight.

Leaving, a bittersweet release,
Aching wounds healed, finding inner peace.
The weight upon my shoulders, no longer there,
I breathed in liberation, with new air.

The relief that flooded my tired heart,
As I embraced the world, ready to restart.
No longer defined by the rigid mold,
I discovered a beauty that could not be sold.

No longer confined by a limited view,
I found my own voice, my spirit renewed.
I drank from the cup of authenticity,
Embracing the truth of my own identity.

Encourage your weary soul,
Break free from the chains, embrace the whole.
Find peace in freedom, in truth’s embrace,
And bask in the lightness, in boundless grace.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Love and Life

Speak From the Scar, Not the Wound

July 17, 2023July 14, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood5 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: Scars are not just blemishes to be hidden, but reminders of strength and resilience. Speaking from the wound addresses immediate pain but may perpetuate negativity. Speaking from the scar reflects healed wounds, growth, and the ability to overcome adversity. Sharing our stories from a place of healing inspires and uplifts others, offering comfort and guidance. Triumph and growth allow us to find meaning in our suffering.

I recently read a saying “Speak from the scar, not the wound.” These simple yet profound words carry a deep message about resilience, healing, and the power of our experiences.

Sometimes when I see my reflection in the mirror, I can’t help but feel a tinge of pride towards the scars that I see on my body. Each mark tells a unique story— skin stretched and cut for two babies, moments of vulnerability and mistakes, a reminder of the pain endured, a wound healed. I know that these scars are proof that I have lived a life full of meaning and resilience. Scars should not be a source of shame, but rather reminders of strength and resilience.

In life, we inevitably encounter pain and adversity. We face heartbreak, disappointment, loss, and countless challenges that leave us wounded and vulnerable. These wounds may be physical, emotional, or even spiritual, and they can leave lasting marks on our being. However, it is how we choose to approach and navigate these wounds that determines the course of our healing.

Recently while talking with a friend she pointed out something that struck a chord with me. She observed that my words have transformed, that I had ceased speaking from a wounded place and had begun to speak from the wisdom etched within my scars. I have thought about her words since then. I realized that my scars were not just life’s blemishes to be hidden, but rather markers of growth and strength that has the power to inspire and uplift others.

Speaking from the wound signifies addressing our pain in its immediate aftermath when emotions are raw and hurt is fresh. It may involve expressing anger, frustration, or despair. While acknowledging and processing these initial emotions is important, solely speaking from the wound can be impulsive and perpetuate negativity. I’m sad to say that I’ve often been guilty of this.

Speaking from the scar carries a different tone. Scars symbolize healed wounds, resilience, growth, and the ability to overcome adversity. It means drawing on past experiences, lessons learned, and gained wisdom. Speaking from the scar involves reflection, offering insights from a place of strength and healing.

When we speak from the scar, our words carry the weight of resilience and depth of understanding. We empathize and show compassion, having walked the painful path ourselves. Our scars inspire others facing similar struggles.By sharing our stories from a place of healing, we can provide comfort, guidance, and hope to those who are still navigating their wounds.

We are not defined by our wounds but by the strength we have shown in overcoming them. Our wounds, though painful, can serve as catalysts for personal growth and transformation. By sharing our experiences, we give purpose to our pain, as it becomes a source of inspiration for others. Triumph and growth allow us to find meaning in our suffering.

Scars

Scars speak tales of strife and grace,
Lessons learned in life’s embrace.
From wounds to scars, we grow anew,
Speak from their depths, let wisdom ensue.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Love and Life

There’s More to Life Than Just Looking Good

July 15, 2023July 14, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

AbstractTL;DR: The pursuit of external beauty consumed me for years, but I’ve come to realize that true beauty extends beyond appearances. Despite societal pressures, I’ve learned that kindness, love, and genuine connections hold far more significance. Embracing my imperfections and celebrating my uniqueness has allowed me to break free from comparisons and love myself fully. While I still have moments of doubt, personal growth and stepping out of my comfort zone are integral parts of embracing life’s beauty. Lasting fulfillment comes from nurturing our inner selves, cultivating meaningful relationships, and pursuing personal growth.

You might find yourself a little confused after reading the title of this post. Perhaps you’re thinking, “What do you mean there’s more to life than just looking good!? But your blog is called ‘Looking Joli Good,’ so isn’t that your main focus?”

In a world fixated on appearances, it’s hard to grasp that life extends far beyond looking good. I’ve personally experienced the weight of this societal pressure, constantly stressing myself out in the shallow pursuit of external beauty and striving for unattainable perfection.

In a world consumed by comparisons and beauty standards, it’s vital to grasp that true inner beauty shines brightest when we stop comparing ourselves to others. Embracing our unique qualities and recognizing our own worth allows us to fully appreciate and nurture the beauty within. It’s like a breath of fresh air, freeing ourselves from comparison and wholeheartedly embracing and loving who we are.

I used to be a part of a religious community that placed a lot of importance on outer appearance and beauty. I felt this constant pressure to always look and dress a certain way. I felt as if my worth was solely determined by my outer appearance. It has taken me forty years, but I’ve come to realize that true beauty goes way beyond what meets the eye. It’s about the kindness we show, the love we spread, and the genuine connections we form. It is about empathy, resilience, and gratitude. It’s about embracing our imperfections and celebrating the uniqueness that makes us who we are.

I must confess, there are occasions when I regress into my old way of thinking. Forty years of ingrained thoughts cannot be switched overnight. However, the important thing is not lingering on those thoughts. Personal growth is a big part of life’s beauty too! Stepping out of our comfort zones, embracing new experiences, and learning from both successes and failures.

While looking good can certainly boost confidence, true fulfillment and happiness stem from nurturing our inner selves, cultivating meaningful relationships, and pursuing personal growth. While external appearances offer fleeting enjoyment, inner peace and beauty bring lasting fulfillment.

Look beyond the surface, don’t be misled,
True beauty resides where kindness is spread.
In a world obsessed with looks, let’s be understood,
There’s more to life than just looking (joli) good.

Fashion/Style

Jumping For Jumpsuits

July 11, 2023July 11, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

I’ve been obsessed with Maxi dressed for years! The class yet ease of wearing a flowing maxi dress just always makes me feel put together and beautiful.

I’ve found a new obsession, I have recently fallen in love with jumpsuits!

They are so versatile. They can be dressed up or down, making them perfect for any occasion. They can be worn to work, to a party, or even just running errands. I love that I can just throw on a jumpsuit and be ready to go. No need to worry about matching a top and bottom, or trying to find a piece that flatters my figure. Jumpsuits just work.

I also love that jumpsuits are so comfortable. They’re like wearing a maxi dress, but with the added benefit of pants. I can move around freely and not have to worry about my clothes getting in the way. This makes them perfect for traveling or for those days when I just want to be comfortable.

Finally, I love the way jumpsuits make me feel. They make me feel confident and put-together without feeling like I over thought my outfit choice.

Here are some tips for styling jumpsuits:

Choose a jumpsuit that flatters your body type. If you are petite, look for a jumpsuit that is fitted through the waist and has a longer hemline. If you are curvy, look for a jumpsuit that has a bit of stretch and a cinched waist.
accessorize to add your own personal style. You can add a belt or jewelry to dress up a jumpsuit. For a more casual look, you can wear sandals or sneakers.
Choose the right fabric for the occasion. If you are wearing a jumpsuit to work, choose a fabric that is wrinkle-resistant and professional-looking. If you are wearing a jumpsuit to a party, choose a fabric that is more festive, such as silk or satin.

No matter how you style it, a jumpsuit is a versatile and stylish outfit that is sure to turn heads. So next time you are looking for something to wear, reach for a jumpsuit and you’ll be ready to take on the day.

Whenever I wear a jumpsuits I always feel like I look polished and put-together. They’re a staple in my wardrobe and I know I’ll always reach for them when I need a quick and easy outfit.

Here are some jumpsuits that I have bought and a few I think you might like. Most are around or under $50:

**the below links are all affiliate links**

Banana republic jumpsuits https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwtu/

Jumpsuits from Macy’s https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwr9/

Nordstrom Rack Jumpsuits https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwrc/

Jumpsuits at Target https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwsk/

H&M jumpsuits https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwst/

FINLEY POPLIN JUMPSUIT now $95.99 in Khaki Beige Black https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwtx/

Banana Republic Factory UTILITY JUMPSUIT take an Extra 20% Off At Checkout $96.00 for Tree Grove $64.00 for tan and black https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwu2/

Target Women’s Sleeveless Jumpsuit – Universal Thread https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwqq/

DKNY Military Green Roll Sleeve Utility Jumpsuit https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwrc/

Sleeveless Faux Wrap Jumpsuit NINA LEONARD comes in polka dot as well as a few other patterns. https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uws1/

Raglan Sleeve Jumpsuit GO COUTURE https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwse/ (this is one of my favorites)

Women’s Tie-Strap Square-Neck Jumpsuit available in white and black.https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwr5/

H&M Sleeveless Crêped Jumpsuit https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uwt3/

I would love for you to follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

**An affiliate link is free to the user . It is a unique URL provided by an affiliate program or network to their partners, such as bloggers or website owners. When someone clicks on an affiliate link and makes a purchase or completes a desired action at no additional cost to them, the affiliate partner earns a commission or other form of compensation. These links are specifically tracked to attribute sales or conversions generated through the partner’s promotional efforts. In summary, an affiliate link is a specialized link that allows partners to earn commissions by driving traffic and sales to a particular product or service.**

Looking Joli Good

Kindness is beautiful!

Tag: lookingjoligood

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Give Yourself Permission to Break Free From Relationships That are Weighing You Down

Abuse of Power Dynamics and Spiritual Manipulation at Places of Worship

No Longer Confined

Speak From the Scar, Not the Wound

There’s More to Life Than Just Looking Good

Jumping For Jumpsuits

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