The Pressure of Perfection Growing Up Fundamentalist
First things first, a disclaimer…
Disclaimer: I’d like to preface this post by acknowledging that two things can be true at once. My experiences in fundamentalism includes fond memories from my childhood while at the same time that environment cause me grief and pain. It’s important to recognize that not everything within Baptist fundamentalism is negative; there were aspects that contributed positively to my upbringing. However, it’s equally important to address the complexities. The strict rules and the constant pursuit of an unattainable perfection cast a profound shadow on me. The overwhelming pressure to conform and be perfect combined with the “you know better” mentality, significantly influenced the way I perceive myself and the world as an adult. In reflection I recognize the coexistence of both beneficial and burdensome elements within fundamentalism. I would also like to point out that I have a great relationship with my parents. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned that make me who I am today.
Over the last few months while I have been writing about all the work I have done navigating my way through finding faith following fundamentalism, I have found this process of introspection to be both enlightening and challenging. It has required me to revisit pivotal moments that have deeply influenced my worldview and sense of self. By sharing my journey, I’ve found catharsis and also tried to create a bridge for connection with others who have faced and are facing comparable challenges. Although challenging, this process has proven to be quite therapeutic.
Some posts are easier to write than others. This one, in particular, proved emotionally demanding as it delves into a profoundly personal and sensitive topic. It’s not just about recounting my upbringing within an Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community; it’s about highlighting how this experience deeply influenced not only my perspective on the world but also my perception of myself and my sense of self-worth, especially as a child. While I won’t lay bare every detail, I do want to emphasize how detrimental it can be for a child when they are held to impossibly high standards of perfection within such a community.
Growing up in a fundamentalist environment was like navigating a world of rigid rules and unyielding expectations. I understood from a young age that perfection was the standard, the goal that seemed both elusive and demanding. Perfection is an exceptionally challenging expectation to establish for a child! In my mind, the pressure to adhere to these standards was palpable, as if every misstep was a mark of failure in the eyes of those who believed in these principles and doctrines.
I was reminded that I am saved by grace, a gift beyond comprehension, yet somehow it felt like a lifelong test to prove my devotion and worth of the gift. I often felt like I was handed the exam before even having a chance to be instructed on the materials. This constant pressure to live up to unattainable standards profoundly impacted my sense of self-worth and personal expectations of myself.
For a child navigating this type of world the pressure can be overwhelming, it was for me. The constant fear of making mistakes, of falling short of those lofty expectations, seems to try to stifle creativity, curiosity, and the natural process of learning through trial and error. Instead of encouraging a sense of self-worth, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Fortunately, for me I still grew to possess self-confidence, but I consistently felt like I was in the wrong for confidently holding my own viewpoints and opinions.
Such an environment that demands perfection often creates a mindset that views self-worth as contingent on performance. Children may grow up believing that their value as individuals hinges on their ability to meet these unrealistic standards. This mindset can persist into adulthood, affecting not only their self-esteem but also their relationships, ambitions, and overall well-being. They may grow to become adults who are not willing to admit when they have made a mistake or are wrong.
It’s crucial to recognize that childhood should be a time of exploration, growth, and the development. Childhood is a time to learn to live by making mistakes and learning from them with minimal consequences, creating growth, resilience, and the development of a healthy sense of self-worth. When these formative years are overshadowed by the relentless pursuit of an illusive perfection, it can leave deep emotional scars that take years, even a lifetime, to heal. Understanding the impact of such high standards on children is a crucial step in creating more supportive and nurturing environments for the next generation.
My biggest regret in life is that for a time I allowed my own children to be subjected to that same environment. Reflecting on the profound impact it had on my own childhood, and how it influenced my self perception, I deeply regret exposing my own children to the community that had the same overwhelming level of expectation and scrutiny. Thankfully, we left before the impact was irreversible, and overall my children seem unscathed. My regret serves as a powerful reminder that breaking free from such environments was not just an act of self-liberation but also a way to protect the well-being and mental health of my children and my future generations.
(I’d like to emphasize that I have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents. I love them and have no bitterness or resentment whatsoever towards either of them. I truly believe they were doing the best they could with the knowledge and resources they had at the time. Two things can be true at once, while I wish that we had left that community while I was a child, I am thankful for the lessons that I have learned along the way because they make me who I am today.)
Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us that “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” This verse highlights that salvation comes through God’s grace as a gift, not as a result of our own efforts, and it is received through faith rather than by our works.
The concept of being saved by grace, while seemingly liberating, came with its own set of burdens. It was as though the grace bestowed upon me was accompanied by an unspoken obligation – an obligation to constantly prove my worthiness, my gratitude, and my love for God. The assurance that grace had already granted me salvation clashed with the perpetual need to demonstrate that I deserved it. It was a balancing act between embracing the gift and feeling the weight of being worthy of the gift.
At the Christian school I attended and from the lessons taught in Sunday school and church services, the words “you know better” became a familiar refrain whenever I made a mistake, no matter how small. It was as if the missteps I took were seen as conscious defiance rather than human imperfection. The pressure to uphold spiritual maturity and understanding left little room for acknowledging the complexities of growth or questioning. Instead, the reminder that I “knew better” felt like an admonition, a marker of my supposed deviation from the straight and narrow path. If I knew better then, why did I feel as if I couldn’t voice my doubts and questions? Why did I carry the weight of unwarranted guilt for simply making childish mistakes?
As I grew older I struggled through this narrative of salvation through grace, yet the need to constantly be striving for perfection and worthiness. I began to question the very foundation of this ideology. The grace I believed in was meant to be liberating, not a source of constant apprehension, stress, and anxiety.
I was told I was saved by grace yet needed to prove my thankfulness through perfected devotion. However, church leaders once again let me down by preaching and teaching one thing and living another way. Perfection was expected from me, but they did not hold themselves to the same standard while living their own lives. This contradiction left me feeling confused and betrayed. Regardless of their own flaws and shortcomings, they perpetually sought out new imperfections in me. I soon came to realize that no matter how “perfect” I was it was never going to be enough for them.
The dichotomy of grace and the need to prove love through perfection started to unravel. It was a process of untangling the threads of doctrine and personal belief, realizing that the pressure to constantly prove my devotion was not an inherent part of genuine faith.
Once I stepped away from the constant messages preached about my inherent worthlessness and my desperate wickedness, a new realization took hold: the truth that grace requires nothing of me and is indeed free despite imperfections.
I have discovered that faith could exist outside the boundaries of performance. Grace, true genuine grace, requires NOTHING of me! Grace doesn’t necessitate an ongoing demonstration of worthiness. Instead, it is an invitation to embrace imperfection and growth. Grace requires nothing of me but an open heart and a willingness to embrace imperfection. The weight of striving for an unattainable perfection began to lift, replaced by a sense of freedom to simply be a flawed yet worthy human.
I will admit that I still often expect perfection from myself. That little voice in the back of my head that holds me accountable for every mistake sometimes screams at me. While I cannot instantly reprogram 40 years of thought patterns, I can, however, give myself and others grace.
The best thing that I have done is to consistently try to create an environment for my children where they are allowed to make mistakes, grow, and learn without the expectation of perfection. Of course I am biased, but in turn, they are pretty perfect.
Looking Joli Good 