I’ve come to realize that the saying “Hurt people hurt people.” is very true. It’s a simple yet profound truth that over the years has helped me understand the behavior of others in a more compassionate way.
When someone lashes out, is unkind, or behaves in hurtful ways, it’s easy to feel anger or resentment towards them. But as I’ve grown and gained more life experience, I’ve come to recognize that their actions are often a reflection of their own pain and suffering.
I’ve witnessed how unresolved trauma, past hurts, and unhealed wounds can shape a person’s behavior. When someone carries the weight of their own pain, it can become too overwhelming to bear, and they may unintentionally project that pain onto others. In the past I myself have been guilty of being hurtful to people because I was hurting.
Understanding this doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it allows me to approach it with empathy rather than judgment. It reminds me that behind the hurtful words or actions, there may be deep-rooted pain, fear, or insecurity.
By acknowledging that hurt people hurt people, I can break the cycle of negativity. Instead of responding to their hurt with more hurt, I should strive to respond with compassion and understanding. Sometimes an offer of support, a listening ear, or a kind gesture, is a simple thing that just may be the very thing they need to start their own healing process.
Of course, it’s essential to set boundaries and protect my own well-being in the process. Recognizing that someone’s hurt doesn’t excuse their harmful actions means that I can choose to distance myself from toxic relationships while still holding space for kindness and compassion.
This realization has also taught me the importance of self-compassion. If hurt people hurt people, it’s important for me to address and heal my own wounds, ensuring that I’m not inadvertently causing harm to others.
“Hurt people hurt people,” but it can also be said that “Healed people heal people.” Our emotional well-being and experiences can greatly influence our interactions with others.
Hurt people may inadvertently hurt those around them, perpetuating a cycle of pain and dysfunction. On the other hand, when someone has taken the time to heal and address their own emotional wounds, they are better equipped to offer compassion, understanding, and support to others. Healed people have a greater capacity for empathy and are less likely to perpetuate harmful patterns of behavior. They can break the cycle of pain and contribute to a more positive and nurturing environment for those around them.
By working on our own well-being and addressing our own wounds, we not only improve our own lives but also have the potential to positively impact the lives of those we encounter. Healing is a transformative journey that can lead to a more compassionate and supportive world.
So, when I encounter hurtful behavior, I try to remind myself that it often stems from pain and suffering. By breaking the cycle of hurt and offering understanding, I hope to create a ripple effect of healing and kindness.
Abstract/TL;DR: “Hurt people hurt people” means that those who are hurt often end up hurting others due to their unresolved pain. Understanding this helps me approach hurtful behavior with empathy and compassion, aiming to break the cycle of negativity. While setting boundaries is important, responding with kindness and self-care can foster healing and create positive change.
Disclaimer: The information provided is based on my personal experiences, research, and ongoing learning and growth. While I strive to provide accurate and helpful insights, it is important to consult with appropriate professionals or experts for specific advice or guidance. I encourage you to approach the information with a critical mindset and consider your own unique circumstances before making any decisions or taking any actions.
Abstract/TL;DR:BIG T/little t Trauma is a psychological framework that distinguishes major traumas from smaller, cumulative stressors. BIG T Trauma involves significant and distressing events like abuse or natural disasters, while little t Trauma refers to ongoing stressors like bullying or family conflict. Both types of trauma can have a profound impact on a person’s well-being, and it’s crucial to recognize and address them for healing and mental health.
Disclaimer: The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.
A papercut is a small, superficial wound that occurs when the sharp edge of a piece of paper or other thin material cuts through the outer layer of the skin. Despite its size, it can be surprisingly painful due to the paper’s edge slicing into sensitive nerve endings. The affected area may become red, and there might be a slight amount of bleeding. The pain can be more intense than one might expect for such a minor injury, and the wound typically heals relatively quickly. Though it may seem insignificant, anyone who has experienced a papercut knows that it can be an irritating and bothersome injury. (I hate papercuts! My toes are curling, I have goosebumps and a shiver down my spine just describing a papercut.)
Just as a paper cut can continue to sting when exposed to irritants at different times before it eventually heals, trauma can also evoke emotional pain when triggered by various factors during the healing process.
When we experience a paper cut, the initial pain may subside, but the wound remains sensitive. Even minor contact with the affected area can trigger a fresh wave of discomfort, making us aware that the healing process is ongoing. Similarly, when we go through trauma, whether BIG T or little t, the initial shock and acute distress might fade with time. However, the emotional wound left behind remains sensitive and can be easily reactivated by different triggers.
For instance, a survivor of a car accident may feel relatively stable in their daily life, but the sound of screeching tires or the sight of a crash on TV could suddenly resurrect feelings of fear and anxiety. Similarly, someone who experienced emotional neglect during childhood might find themselves struggling with feelings of worthlessness or abandonment in certain interpersonal situations.
Both physical wounds and emotional traumas heal at their own pace. While the pain from a paper cut might fade within a few days, emotional healing from trauma can take much longer. Just like a paper cut can leave a scar, trauma can leave lasting emotional imprints that require time, self-compassion, and support to fully recover.
The key is to recognize that both paper cuts and trauma healing are susceptible to reactivation by various triggers. It’s essential to acknowledge and address these triggers, offering ourselves patience and understanding throughout the healing process. By doing so, we can gradually reduce the sensitivity to these triggers and foster resilience in the face of future challenges.
As I look back on my journey through life, I realize that the concept of trauma is not always limited to big, dramatic events that shake us to our core. Instead, it can be a slow and steady erosion of our well-being, a death by a thousand paper cuts so to say . Throughout the years, these seemingly insignificant moments accumulate, leaving deep imprints on our minds, hearts, and souls.
Growing up, as we all do, I faced numerous challenges and hurdles, some of which may have appeared trivial to others, but they left lasting scars on my heart. The constant pressure to conform to societal norms, religious pressure, the relentless comparison with others, and the feeling of not being good enough gnawed away at me like paper cuts, slowly wearing me down. It was the accumulation of these small hurts that took a toll on my mental and emotional health, making it difficult to navigate through life with peace of mind anxiety-free.
The fear of judgment and rejection was a constant companion. While overall I don’t lack self confidence, each disappointment and rejection felt like another paper cut, stinging my confidence causing me to doubt. The weight of these experiences slowly made me withdraw and avoid situations that might trigger more pain. Having been manipulated and hurt by those I thought were close to me, I found it challenging to trust others, to open up, and to let myself be vulnerable, fearing that each interaction might lead to more emotional cuts. I would rather distance myself and not be involved than risk being caught up in hurt, drama, and vulnerability.
The pressure to succeed in my career, the heartbreak of failed relationships, and the feeling of inadequacy in various aspects of life all added to the collection of paper cuts. Each setback felt like a confirmation of my perceived inadequacies, reinforcing the negative self-talk that had become ingrained.
I consistently downplayed my struggles and challenges by comparing them to others who had experienced more severe hardships. I have never endured a major traumatic event, I never suffered a Big T trauma. It took me a long time to recognize the true impact of these accumulated paper cuts. I had to learn that acknowledging and addressing the smaller hurts was just as crucial as dealing with more significant traumas.Self-compassion became a lifeline as I sought to heal from these wounds.
Through intentional personal work and self-reflection, I began to peel back the layers and confront the pain that I had buried for so long. It was a gradual process of acknowledging the hurt and learning to let go of the shame associated with it. I had to remind myself that it was okay to feel hurt by these seemingly insignificant events and that my pain was valid.
Healing from “death by a thousand paper cuts” wasn’t a quick fix, but over time, I started to build healthier boundaries and coping mechanisms and surrounding myself with supportive and understanding people.
Now, as I reflect on my past experiences, I realize that it’s essential to be mindful of the impact of seemingly small events on our mental and emotional well-being. Trauma can take many forms, and healing requires us to extend kindness and understanding to ourselves. By embracing the concept of “BIG T/little t Trauma,” I have learned to treat myself with compassion recognizing that the impact of my experiences, both major life events and smaller, seemingly insignificant moments, shapes who I am today. Understanding that not all traumas are overt or easily identifiable has allowed me to be more gentle with myself, acknowledging that even seemingly small stressors can accumulate and affect my well-being.
Through this awareness, rather than judging myself for my reactions or dismissing my feelings as unwarranted, I now honor them as valid responses to the various events in my life. This newfound compassion has empowered me to give myself the time and space needed to heal and grow from these experiences.
Moreover, embracing the concept of “BIG T/little t Trauma” has helped me acknowledge the importance of self-care and seeking support when needed. I no longer downplay my emotions or convince myself that I should be “stronger” in the face of challenges. Instead, I actively seek out helpful resources to navigate the complexities of my feelings and find healthier ways to cope.
By treating myself with compassion, I have also become more understanding and empathetic towards others’ struggles. Recognizing the varied impacts of trauma in people’s lives has allowed me to be a better friend, wife, mother and member of my community. I now approach interactions with greater sensitivity and kindness, knowing that everyone carries their unique burdens and that a little compassion can go a long way in helping others heal.
Embracing the concept of “BIG T/little t Trauma” has been a transformative journey that has enabled me to treat myself and others with the kindness and understanding that we all deserve. It has taught me that our experiences, no matter how significant they may seem, shape our lives and deserve acknowledgment and compassion.
Here is a bit more information about BIG T/little t Trauma.
BIG T/little t Trauma is a framework used in psychology to differentiate between major traumas and more subtle, everyday experiences that can still have a significant impact on an individual’s well-being. The concept was introduced by psychologist Robert J. Anda and his colleagues in their groundbreaking Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. (Felitti et al., 2019)
BIG T Trauma: BIG T Trauma refers to major, highly distressing, and often life-threatening events that can have a profound and immediate impact on a person’s life. These events are usually single incidents or short-term occurrences that involve a significant threat to physical or emotional well-being. Examples of BIG T Trauma include:
Physical or sexual abuse
Natural disasters
Serious accidents
War or combat experiences
Sudden loss of a loved one
Witnessing or experiencing violence
Being forced into a situation in which you have a phobia
These types of traumas are more commonly recognized and acknowledged by society, and the effects are often more evident in the person’s functioning and mental health.
Little t Trauma: On the other hand, little t trauma refers to the accumulation of smaller, less severe, and sometimes chronic stressors that may not appear as traumatic on their own but can have a cumulative impact over time. These experiences are often interpersonal in nature and can affect an individual’s emotional well-being and sense of safety. Examples of little t trauma include:
Bullying or social rejection
Emotional neglect or abandonment
Frequent criticism or humiliation
Subtle or overt racism
Microaggressions, discrimination, and prejudice
Loss of a Pet
Ongoing family conflict
Consistent passive aggression
Being part of a toxic community
Financial instability or poverty
Chronic illness or medical issues
Religious and spiritual manipulation
Academic Stress
Accidents or Injuries
Social Rejection
Loss of a Friendship
Feeling the need to keep a secret or hide something
Public Speaking or Performance Anxiety
Having choices consistently made for you, without your input or agency
While each of these events might not be overwhelming on its own, the repeated exposure to such stressors can wear down an individual’s resilience and lead to emotional distress. The effects of little t trauma may not be immediately apparent but can manifest in various ways, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties, or coping mechanisms like substance abuse.
Understanding the distinction between BIG T and little t trauma is essential because people who have experienced little t Traumas might not recognize or validate their own pain. These individuals might believe that their struggles are not significant enough to warrant attention or that they should just “get over it.” However, acknowledging and addressing these experiences can be crucial for healing and promoting mental well-being.
Therapy and support can be helpful in processing both BIG T and little t traumas, as well as developing coping strategies and building resilience. Recognizing that both types of trauma can have a significant impact allows for a more comprehensive understanding of a person’s life experiences and emotional struggles.
I would like to add that racism can be both a “little t” and “big T” trauma, depending on the specific experiences and the impact it has on an individual. For some people, experiencing subtle or overt racism throughout their lives can be considered a “little t” trauma. These microaggressions, discrimination, and prejudice can accumulate and result in emotional distress, feelings of marginalization, and a decreased sense of self-worth.
On the other hand, for others, racism can lead to more significant and acute traumas, falling under the category of “big T” trauma. This can include experiences of hate crimes, racial violence, systemic discrimination, or witnessing acts of racism targeted at oneself or others.
It is important to recognize that racism affects individuals and communities differently, and the impact of these experiences can be profound and long-lasting. Regardless of whether racism is considered a “little t” or “big T” trauma, it is crucial to address and combat racism in all its forms and offer support to those who have been affected by it.
Brown, J. E., & Collicutt, J. (2022). Psalms 90, 91 and 92 as a means of coping with trauma and adversity. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1080/13674676.2021.2021873
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V. J., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (2019). REPRINT OF: Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 56(6), 774–786. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2019.04.001
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V. J., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0749-3797(98)00017-8https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9635069/
Lanius, R. A., Frewen, P. A., Vermetten, E., & Yehuda, R. (2010). Fear conditioning and early life vulnerabilities: two distinct pathways of emotional dysregulation and brain dysfunction in PTSD. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 1(1). https://doi.org/10.3402/ejpt.v1i0.5467
Loewenthal, K. M. (2022). Religious change and post-traumatic growth following EMDR trauma therapy. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1080/13674676.2021.2016668
Napier, T. R., Howell, K. H., Schaefer, L. M., & Schwartz, L. E. (2020). Differentiating the effects of anxious and avoidant attachment on depression and resilience following trauma. Journal of American College Health. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2020.1762605
Ogilvie, L., & Carson, J. (2021). Trauma, stages of change and post traumatic growth in addiction: A new synthesis. Journal of Substance Use, 27(2), 122–127. https://doi.org/10.1080/14659891.2021.1905093
Shafiei, M., Rezaei, F., & Sadeghi, M. (2022). The role of childhood traumas, interpersonal problems, and contrast avoidance model in development of the generalized anxiety disorder: A structural equation modeling. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 14(3), 377–385. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0001117
For the last several years I’ve been on a personal spiritual journey. I’ve been discovering what I believe and why I believe what I do. Spurred on by finding myself frustrated by different difficult situations in my church community, I found myself broken and questioning. I don’t yet have all the answers that I am looking for. The journey has had its ups and downs and twists and turns. Along the way, my beautiful kind sister, Sarah has been instrumental in helping me to navigate.
Today I am sharing a piece so graciously and eloquently written by her from her heart. She put into words what’s been knocking around my head and heart for months and years!
My beautiful kind sister Sarah Aheron
At the risk of vulnerability, I feel compelled to share this.
Over the past few years, I have participated in multiple conversations and shed many tears with people from different walks of life who have been deeply affected by spiritual abuse. Books, websites, podcasts, conferences, and even whole ministries are devoted to helping those who have experience with it.
For those of you who have no experience with this kind of abuse, praise God, but please be aware that the person sitting beside you in Bible study, worshipping behind you in service, or praying next to you in life group may be dealing with deeply seeded wounds planted by spiritually abusive systems, doctrines, and/or leaders. And for every person still struggling to engage in community with other believers after having experienced spiritual abuse, there are countless more who physically cannot enter a church building without reliving trauma.
“Whether subtle or obvious, spiritual abuse is a form of trauma that undermines your relationship with yourself and with God.”
The Allender Center defines spiritual abuse for their “Confronting Spiritual Abuse” conference as, “The use of religious or spiritual power and authority to control, coerce, or perpetrate harm. In many ways, spiritual abuse is a distortion or exploitation of God’s power and authority to manipulate or control others’ bodies, personhood, relationships, and autonomy through shame and fear. Spiritually abusive systems and organizations and spiritually abusive people use religious texts, theologies, and practices to harm relationally, emotionally, and physically.”
Spiritual abuse, as defined here, is the very antithesis of 1 Timothy 1:7-10, where we read, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, to which I was appointed a preacher, an apostle, and a teacher of the Gentiles. For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.”
The gospel is redemptive. It heals, restores, transforms, forgives, empowers, and frees. So, brothers and sisters, if you have suffered or are currently suffering, not for this gospel’s sake, but at the hands of some other gospel; please know that there is hope and healing as we rest in faith through the grace Jesus Christ displayed in his ultimate sacrificial suffering on the cross.
You are not alone on your journey. You belong. You are wanted...not for how well you perform; how hard you work; how consistently you attend gatherings; how connected you are; how committed you are to institutional standards; how well you dress; how intensely you serve, how eloquently you speak; how much money you give; how well-behaved your children are; how glowing your reputation is; how well you fit into a mold; how talented, gifted or educated you are; how dedicated you are to a cause…but you are wanted because you are accepted in the Beloved. Chosen. Adopted. Redeemed.
I know our healing journey may be long, and unsteady; but I believe the “Confronting Spiritual Abuse” conference may be a place to start or rest along the way.
In many ways, spiritual abuse is a distortion or exploitation of God’s power and authority to manipulate or control others’ bodies, personhood, relationships, and autonomy through shame and fear.
Stop by and visit my Instagram page @lookingjoligood. Generally, I post pictures of food, plants and puppies, but there are pictures of makeup and beauty products as well. I would love for you to follow me on Twitter and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good. I would also love to follow you on Instagram and Twitter as well, so let me know your user name in the comment section below!
Looking Joli Good 