Abstract/TL;DR: Controlling people’s time means controlling their lives. This influence extends to their priorities, commitments, choices, opportunities, and relationships, ultimately shaping who they become. In the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community, there’s this concept of “Three to Thrive” that says you must attend church at least three times a week to thrive in your faith. Some pastors take it to an extreme, expecting you to be there for every little thing they put on the social calendar, even during life’s most significant moments. This pressure can be distressing, especially when dealing with grief or loss. Church attendance should never be used to control or manipulate congregants. True faith should inspire, not burden with guilt. If church attendance becomes a source of distress, it’s okay to reevaluate and find a balance that prioritizes well-being and genuine spirituality. The Bible doesn’t directly tell us to attend church services as we do today, but it does highlight the value of coming together, fostering fellowship, helping those in need, and being actively involved in a community of believers.

If you can control people’s calendars and time, then you can control a significant aspect of their lives. This control extends to their priorities, commitments, and even the choices they make. Manipulating someone’s time can impact their opportunities for personal growth, self-assurance, and pursuing their passions. It can also influence their social interactions and relationships, limiting their exposure to diverse perspectives and experiences. Ultimately, controlling someone’s time can shape their beliefs, actions, and decisions, impacting the course of their life and the person they become.

By controlling time a sense of dependency on the controlling party is created, making it challenging for individuals to break free from the cycle of control. It can also involve prioritizing certain activities or obligations over others. In some environments, individuals might be pressured to devote an excessive amount of time to specific tasks or responsibilities, leaving them with little room for personal growth, rest, or pursuing their interests.

For the majority of my young life I spent countless hours each week attending church related activities. As I child and teen, I loved spending time at the church with my friends and fellow members, creating wonderful memories while serving together. However, as an adult, I found myself torn between spending time with my young family, work, school, seeking rest and peace, and the persistent guilt and pressure of attending every single church activity.

In the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community there is a common concept concerning church attendance called “Three to Thrive.” According to them, you’ve got to be in church no less than three times a week to truly thrive in your faith and Christian walk. 1) Sunday school and Sunday morning services 2) Sunday evening and 3) Wednesday evening prayer meeting. But it doesn’t just stop at three…there are also many other times that a faithful member should be attending as well: Thursday evening and Saturday morning soul winning, bus route visitation, and revival meetings, missions conference, special guest speakers and evangelists services, VBS and summer outreach programs, teen activities, children’s activities, ladies’ Bible study, men’s prayer breakfasts, men’s and women’s conferences, couples retreats, young married get togethers, choir practice, spring cleaning days, Christmas decorating, Christmas and Easter play practices, Christmas and Valentine’s day dinners, special programs, regular programs, making meals for those who are sick or in need, studying and preparing to teach Bible lessons, game nights, picnics and potluck dinners, before morning service coffee, in between service fellowships, after church fellowships, ice cream fellowships, deacons’ meetings, Sunday school teachers meetings, ministry meetings, nursery meetings, baby dedications, bridal showers, baby showers, weddings and funerals for people you may or may not know, arriving early and staying late, the list goes on…When the doors of the church are open, you are expected to be there, no exceptions.

In some extreme cases, certain pastors and members in the IFB community take the emphasis on church attendance to an unsettling level. Picture this: you just gave birth to a beautiful baby. Congratulations! You had a rough labor and delivery and you are so tired, overwhelmed, and in pain from the experience. All you want to do is spend time enjoying your new baby and resting from the experience… but don’t forget to hurry back to church shortly after giving birth! It is seen as a badge of honor to bring a brand new tiny newborn to church only days or hours after being discharged from the hospital. That little one needs to start attending church immediately. For example, on more than one occasion, I heard one of my church’s former pastors proudly boast about wanting to leave his laboring wife to attend Sunday services and choir practice!!! Even now, he continues to preach to his congregation that he expects them to have the same level of commitment to church attendance and that this is an essential aspect of Christian spirituality.(can I say FOMO?!)

The pressure to adhere to the “Three to Thrive” concept in church attendance can sometimes lead to uncomfortable situations, including feeling compelled to attend church even when feeling unwell. It’s not uncommon to hear stories of individuals feeling guilty for missing a service due to illness, as if their dedication to faith is being put to the test.

What’s even more concerning is when this pressure comes from the leadership itself. Some pastors, driven by the belief that church attendance is paramount, may set an example by attending church despite being ill, even with fevers and contagious illnesses. This behavior can inadvertently encourage congregants to push their own limits and prioritize church attendance over their health and the well-being of others. I can attest that all too many times the youth pastor’s children were brought to the nursery with runny noses, coughs, fevers, and even one time with pink eye, which is highly contagious.

While the intention behind this may be to show the importance of church involvement, it can send the wrong message and place unnecessary strain on members who are already dealing with health issues. Attending church while contagious can risk spreading illnesses to others in the congregation and undermine the significance of responsible self-care. In my opinion, this disregard for staying home while sick was evident in the actions of many IFB pastors during the pandemic. They seemed frantic to reopen their churches, putting their congregations at risk despite the advice of the CDC and department of health to stay closed and distant.

In such situations, it is crucial for church leaders to prioritize the health and safety of their congregation. Encouraging members to prioritize rest and seek medical attention when needed shows genuine care and understanding for their well-being. Faith and spirituality are not measured by the number of times someone attends church while sick; rather, it is a matter of personal growth and connection with God. Despite what many IFB pastors preach, a connection with God is possible outside of the church while at home recovering from illness.

I know of one member who had cancer who would boast about wearing his ambulatory chemotherapy infusion pump to church, even after undergoing all-day chemo infusions. As an oncology nurse, I would advise him against attending services on days he received chemo, concerned about his well-being. However, to my chagrin, the church leaders praised him for his dedication, despite the potential risks to his health.

While church can offer comfort and support during challenging times, it is equally important to recognize that attending church while ill can be counterproductive and potentially harmful. Pastors should be advocates for both spiritual growth and physical well-being, promoting a healthy balance between church commitments and self-care. Ultimately, creating an environment of understanding and compassion will enable members to thrive spiritually without compromising their health.

Even immediately after the loss of a loved one during times of profound grief and mourning, there is pressure to return to church and ministry. This expectation can be emotionally distressing for those already suffering with the weight of their sorrow. I realize the idea behind this approach is often rooted in the belief that being in church and surrounded by the congregation will provide comfort and support. While seeking comfort from a supportive community can be valuable, the pressure to return to church and continue serving immediately after a significant loss can feel insensitive and overwhelming. Grieving is a deeply personal and delicate process, and everyone copes with loss differently. Pushing people to suppress their grief and prioritize church attendance can add further distress and hinder their natural grieving process.

Genuine pastoral care should encompass empathy, understanding, and compassion. Encouraging members to find their own path to healing and providing support without imposing rigid expectations is more conducive to a healthy emotional recovery. Respecting the uniqueness of each person’s grieving process and allowing them the time and space they need is a vital aspect of genuine care and support in times of sorrow. I knew and know pastors that practice this type of compassion, I am personally related to one of them.

While church can be a source of comfort and community during both exciting and difficult times, it should never be wielded as a tool to control or impose expectations on congregants who are navigating illness, life changes, or profound loss.

I understand the significance of church in some people’s lives—connecting with faith, finding comfort, and building a sense of community. While church is essential for some people’s faith, let’s not forget that it’s okay to miss a service now and then. It seems some pastors have taken “Three to Thrive” to a new level and believe it’s the key to unlocking spiritual greatness. Some pastors really seem to believe church attendance is the only measure of one’s spirituality. At times, it feels like a measure of control, as if one’s devotion and dedication are being tested. The pressure to be ever-present in the church community can leave some people feeling guilty and inadequate if they can’t meet these lofty standards. I also believe some pastors fear that if their congregants are given space to breathe and don’t spend an excessive amount of time busying themselves at the church, they might start to notice certain flaws in what they are being taught. (In my opinion this is another reason why many IFB pastors were frantic to reopen their churches during the pandemic putting their congregations at risk despite the advice of the CDC and department of health)

While regular church attendance can be an essential aspect of one’s faith journey, it becomes concerning when it turns into a means of control rather than an aid to genuine spiritual growth. True faith should inspire and uplift, not burden with unrealistic expectations. If missing a worship services causes overwhelming guilt and anxiety it may be important to pause and reconsider and reflect on the underlying reasons behind these feelings. It’s important to remember that genuine spirituality should not be driven by fear or pressure, but rather by a sincere desire to connect with God. If attending church becomes a source of distress rather than peace, it might be beneficial to take a step back and reevaluate. Finding a balance between personal well-being and church involvement is essential, and everyone’s journey of faith is unique and valid.

Another observance I have noted, is oftentimes, congregants are encouraged to prioritize their time and energy towards church activities, yet there are instances when these same pastors who encourage attendance at all costs might not make themselves available to the congregants in the same way. It’s intriguing how the emphasis on and pressure of attendance and service sometimes doesn’t apply across the board to all members equally either. (I have personally known of instances where pastors expect their congregants to be available at a moment’s notice, but when things are reversed, there have been occasions when members reach out for support these same pastors are too busy due to being engaged in travel for pleasure or to other churches for speaking engagements or are busy with other endeavors.)

While I understand the value of a thriving church community, this unbalanced dynamic can create feelings of frustration and confusion among congregants. Witnessing pastors encourage constant engagement while not consistently practicing the same level of availability for their members can be demoralizing. It raises questions about authenticity and whether the expectations set are truly equal. A healthy church community should be built on a foundation of shared commitment, where leaders and congregants alike uphold the principles they preach. (If you have been following along with my journey of finding faith following fundamentalism, you’re aware that the discrepancy between preaching one thing and practicing another is a significant concern for me.)

In the grand scheme of things, “Three to Thrive” might be a catchy phrase, but it’s not the ultimate measure of faith. Sometimes, life calls for a little flexibility. Ultimately, prioritizing mental, spiritual, and emotional well-being is a vital aspect of adopting a healthy and genuine relationship with faith. We should be understanding and supportive of one another, even if we can’t make it to every service. Attend church, engage with your community, and nurture your faith. But remember, it’s not about religious obligations; it’s about the genuine journey we take on our own path of faith. So, whether you feel the need to attend “Three to Thrive” or not, no one should feel coerced into sacrificing their well-being or family time in the name of strict church attendance.

“Three to Thrive,”

“Three to Thrive,” they often chant,
A moment of rest, a wish to grant!
Not just Sundays and Wednesdays, it’s so much more,
We’re always rushing out the door.

Amidst the chaotic frenzy, in church life I find,

An overwhelming guilt, so intertwined.

From Sunday school to Wednesday prayer,

So many activities, you must be there.

Sunday morning, Sunday night,

And Thursday’s soul winning, schedules are tight.

Saturday’s outreach, it never ends,

So many events, my head spins.

Revival meetings, missions too,

Special guest speakers, there’s always a few.

VBS in the summer, bus routes all year round,

With so much to do, I just might drown.

Children go wild, teen activities galore,

Ladies’ Bible studies, men’s meetings and more.

Couples retreats, so much to plan,

In this whirlwind, can I still stand?

Choir practice, and cleaning days,

Christmas, Easter, endless plays.

Dinners, picnics, one after another,

Is there room to breathe, I often wonder?

Game nights, potlucks, ice cream craze,

Fellowship prep that take up all my days.

Deacons, nursery, teachers meetings abound,

In this packed schedule, I’m feeling bound.

Funerals, Bridal and baby showers too,

Weddings and baby dedications, so much more to do!

No exceptions, always be there,

Activity overload, it’s too much to bear.

In this frenzy, I must confide,

Sometimes it feels like a crazy ride.

In this flurry, I must confess,

Sometimes it feels like a massive mess.

With love and faith, is it all sincere?

But is there space to breathe in here?

So let’s take a step back, and take a break,

Reevaluate for our own sake.

In the quest for growth, let’s redefine,

A balanced church life, that’s truly Divine.

Disclaimer: The Bible doesn’t explicitly command church attendance in the way that modern practices of attending a church service are understood. However, the Bible does emphasize the importance of fellowship, gathering together, and being a part of a community of believers. I am painting with a broad brush, not all IFB pastors or members believe this way. It’s important to acknowledge that people have diverse experiences and emotions when it comes to church attendance. Some find great comfort, community, and peace in their church, while others may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to constantly commit time, money, and effort to the congregation. When guilt is used to manipulate and control those who struggle with attendance, it is concerning and should not be condoned. True pastoral care involves understanding and compassion for each person’s unique journey and challenges, without resorting to manipulation or imposing rigid expectations. Not all IFB pastors use guilt and shame to coerce their members to attend church faithfully. Everyone should be given the freedom to navigate their faith and church involvement in a way that feels right for them. If the Holy Spirit isn’t bringing about conviction, it’s not the pastor’s place to impose guilt.