It’s Not Me, It’s You! What’s The Deal With Hyper-critical People?!

October 14, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

Abstract/TL;DR:Hyper-critical people often have their own insecurities or perfectionistic tendencies that lead them to nitpick and criticize. Their behavior may stem from past experiences or a desire for validation. Dealing with them can be challenging, but it’s important not to take their criticism personally. Setting boundaries, open communication, and prioritizing your own well-being are key when interacting with hyper-critical individuals. Remember, you can’t change their behavior, but you can control your own reactions and choices.

Ah, hyper-critical people can be quite challenging to deal with! They always seem to find fault in everything and have a tendency to nitpick and criticize.

For some, it might stem from their own insecurities or perfectionistic tendencies. They may have high standards for themselves and, consciously or unconsciously, project those same standards onto others. In their minds, pointing out flaws and criticizing becomes a way to maintain a sense of control or superiority.

In other cases, hyper-critical behavior may be a result of past experiences or learned behavior. Perhaps they grew up in an environment where they faced constant criticism, and it has become their default way of interacting with others. They might believe that being hyper-critical is the only way to motivate or improve people, even though it can often have the opposite effect.

I remember a time when I found myself at the receiving end of relentless criticism from a hyper-critical person, and it really took a toll on my emotions. This person seemed to have an uncanny ability to find fault in everything I did. No matter how hard I tried or how well I thought I had done, they would always manage to point out some flaw or imperfection.

At first, I brushed it off, thinking maybe they were just having a bad day or going through a rough patch. But as the criticisms continued to pile up, I couldn’t help but feel disheartened and upset. It felt as though nothing I did was ever good enough.

Each time they nitpicked at me or highlighted a mistake, it felt like a personal attack on my abilities and worth. Each interaction with them left me feeling discouraged and sick to my stomach. I dreaded being around them. I started questioning myself and doubting my skills. I became hyper-aware of every little detail, second-guessing my decisions and constantly seeking reassurance. (Imposter syndrome, hello?!)

It was during this challenging period that I began to reflect on their hyper-critical nature. I realized that I was doing a good job, and their behavior even though it was hurtful, it wasn’t really about me—it was about them. Perhaps they had their own insecurities and a need for control, and criticizing others gave them a sense of power. Or maybe they had grown up in an environment where criticism was the norm, and they simply didn’t know any other way to interact.

Understanding the potential reasons behind their hyper-critical behavior helped me put things into perspective. While their criticism was still hurtful, I realized that it wasn’t a reflection of my capabilities or worth as a person. It was more about their own unresolved issues and their way of navigating the world.

Still, despite gaining this insight, it wasn’t easy to shrug off the hurtful comments. I decided to try to have an open and honest conversation with them, expressing how their constant criticism was affecting me. I hoped that by sharing my feelings, we could find a way to communicate more constructively. (I had also recently taken a graduate class which covered having crucial conversations and was feeling emboldened by my new knowledge.)

To my surprise, they were receptive to my concerns. They hadn’t even realized the impact their hyper-critical behavior was having on me. We had a heartfelt discussion where we both shared our perspectives and tried to find common ground. It was a breakthrough moment that allowed us to understand each other better.Even though their personality remains unchanged, they continue to display a critical nature. However, now that the topic of discussion has been broached, it becomes more manageable to address it when I start to feel overwhelmed by their criticism.

However, not all situations have a happy resolution. In some cases, despite my efforts to communicate and find understanding, the hyper-critical behavior persisted. It became evident that being around them was detrimental to my well-being. I had to make a tough decision to distance myself from that toxic environment and surround myself with more supportive people.

Looking back, that experience with a hyper-critical person taught me a lot about resilience and self-worth. It reinforced the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing my mental and emotional well-being. While it was challenging, it also helped me develop empathy and compassion toward others who might be going through their own struggles.

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation, remember that the criticisms of hyper-critical individuals are not a reflection of your value or abilities. Seek understanding, communicate openly, and prioritize your own well-being. And remember, you are more than capable of rising above the negativity and finding your own path to success and happiness.

Check out the book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory

Dealing with hyper-critical people can be challenging, but with the principles from “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High,” you can approach these situations more effectively. Here are some tips:

Stay Calm and Emotionally Balanced: When faced with criticism, it’s natural to feel defensive or upset. However, try to remain calm and composed. Avoid reacting impulsively or becoming defensive as this can escalate the situation.
Create a Safe Environment: Make sure the conversation takes place in a safe and private space. Avoid public settings where the person may feel embarrassed or cornered. A safe environment encourages open communication.
Listen Actively: Practice active listening to understand their concerns fully. Let them express their criticisms without interrupting. Sometimes, people just need to be heard, and it can de-escalate the situation.
Separate the Person from the Behavior: Focus on the specific behavior or issue being criticized rather than attacking the person. Avoid making personal attacks or judgments.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Ask questions to understand the underlying reasons behind their criticisms. Use open-ended questions like “Could you tell me more about what concerns you?” to encourage a deeper conversation.
Agree Where You Can: If you genuinely agree with some of their points, acknowledge it. This shows that you are willing to consider their perspective and can create a more constructive atmosphere.
Find Common Ground: Look for common goals or interests you both share. Establishing common ground can help build rapport and ease tensions.
Share Your Perspective: Express your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements. Speak calmly and assertively, explaining your side of the story without attacking or blaming them.
Avoid Escalation: If the conversation becomes heated or unproductive, take a step back and suggest revisiting it later when both of you have had time to cool off.
Use “Contrast” to Clarify Intentions: If the person misconstrues your intentions, use the “Contrast” technique to clarify what you don’t mean. This involves correcting any misunderstandings and stating what you do mean.
Focus on Solutions: Shift the conversation toward finding solutions rather than dwelling on the criticisms. Collaborate to find common ground and brainstorm potential resolutions.
Know When to Set Boundaries: If the person’s criticisms become abusive or overly aggressive, it’s essential to set boundaries for what behavior is acceptable during the conversation.

Keep in mind that not all critical feedback is negative; it can offer valuable insights for personal growth and improvement. By approaching these conversations with empathy, active listening, and an open mind, you can turn them into opportunities for positive change and stronger relationships.

Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes are High | lookingjoligood.blog

**Affiliate links**

$12 Walmart https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uy9x/

$25 Barnes and Nobel hardcover https://go.magik.ly/ml/1uya0/

Non-affiliate link

$3-18 Thrift Books

$12 Amazon

Free Your Local Library

**An affiliate link is free to the user . It is a unique URL provided by an affiliate program or network to their partners, such as bloggers or website owners. When someone clicks on an affiliate link and makes a purchase or completes a desired action at no additional cost to them, the affiliate partner earns a commission or other form of compensation. These links are specifically tracked to attribute sales or conversions generated through the partner’s promotional efforts. In summary, an affiliate link is a specialized link that allows partners to earn commissions by driving traffic and sales to a particular product or service.**

Lifestyle

The Power of Constructive Criticism

October 13, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist. I like to do things right, and I don’t like to make mistakes. This can be a good thing, but it can also be a bit of a hindrance. Sometimes, I’m so focused on doing things perfectly that I don’t allow myself to learn from my mistakes.

That’s where constructive criticism comes in. Constructive criticism is feedback that is given in a way that is helpful and not hurtful. It’s about pointing out areas where you can improve, without making you feel bad about yourself.

I’ve learned to embrace constructive criticism over the years. I’ve realized that it’s not a personal attack, but rather an opportunity to grow and learn. When I receive constructive criticism, I try to listen to it with an open mind. I ask myself if there’s any truth to what the person is saying, and if there is, I try to figure out how I can improve.

When someone offers me constructive criticism, it’s an opportunity for me to see things from a different perspective. It helps me step outside of my own bubble and gain valuable insights into how I can become better. Instead of feeling defensive or hurt, I try to embrace the feedback with an open mind and a willingness to learn.

Of course, not all criticism is constructive. There’s a fine line between providing helpful feedback and simply being negative. That’s why I value constructive criticism from people who I trust want to help me become a better version of myself. With their help the focus is on identifying areas for improvement while offering practical suggestions for growth. It’s a way of highlighting my strengths and weaknesses without tearing me down.

Constructive criticism has helped me to identify my weaknesses and work on them. It’s also helped me to become more resilient. I’ve learned that it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as I learn from them.

If you’re like me and you’re not always open to constructive criticism, I encourage you to give it a try. It can be a powerful tool for growth and improvement.

Here are some tips I have been working on for receiving constructive criticism in a positive way:

Listen to the feedback with an open mind.
Don’t take it personally.
Ask questions to clarify anything you don’t understand.
Thank the person for their feedback.
Set a goal to improve in the area that was criticized.

Constructive criticism can be a valuable tool for growth and improvement. If you’re willing to listen to it with an open mind, it can help you to become a better version of yourself.

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on my personal experiences, research, and ongoing learning and growth. While I strive to provide accurate and helpful insights, it is important to consult with appropriate professionals or experts for specific advice or guidance. I encourage you to approach the information with a critical mindset and consider your own unique circumstances before making any decisions or taking any actions.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Kindness Doesn’t Mean Weakness and Being Rude Doesn’t Imply Strength

October 10, 2023October 8, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood14 Comments

Being kind doesn’t equate to weakness, and being rude doesn’t necessarily indicate strength.

In my experience, I’ve learned that kindness is a virtue that should never be mistaken for weakness. There’s a common misconception that being kind means being a pushover or lacking the strength to stand up for oneself. But in reality, kindness is a reflection of inner strength and compassion.

When I choose kindness, I do so not because I’m incapable of asserting myself, but because I understand the power it holds. Kindness has the ability to uplift others, mend broken relationships, and create a positive ripple effect in the world. It takes strength to rise above negativity and extend kindness even in challenging situations.

However, it’s important to note that strength doesn’t equate to rudeness or aggression. True strength lies in the ability to remain composed, respectful, and assertive while standing up for what we believe in. It means having the courage to express our opinions and boundaries without resorting to harsh words or actions.

Strength without empathy and understanding can easily become a weapon, causing harm rather than encouraging growth and harmony. Rudeness, on the other hand, often stems from a place of insecurity or a desire to exert dominance. It may create an illusion of strength in the moment, but it ultimately erodes trust, damages relationships, and leads to isolation.

I firmly believe that strength is best demonstrated when combined with kindness and compassion. It’s about being firm but fair, standing up for our values while treating others with dignity and respect. This approach not only garners more positive outcomes but also helps to build healthier and more harmonious connections with those around us.

By embracing kindness and strength as complementary qualities, we create a balanced and authentic version of ourselves. We become people who are strong enough to face challenges with grace, while also nurturing a supportive and caring environment. In this way, we inspire others to find their own strength and discover the transformative power of kindness.

Kindness and strength can coexist harmoniously. Kindness doesn’t make us weak, but rather showcases our capacity for empathy and understanding. And strength, when paired with kindness, becomes a force that uplifts and empowers not only ourselves but also those we interact with.

Here are some tips for being both kind and strong:

Be assertive. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, but do it in a way that is respectful and kind.
Be confident. Believe in yourself and your abilities. This will help you to be more assertive and less likely to be taken advantage of.
Be compassionate. Understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that even people who are mean to you may be going through a difficult time.
Be forgiving. Let go of grudges and resentments. Holding onto anger and bitterness will only hurt you in the long run.

Being both kind and strong is not always easy, but it is possible. If you work at it, you can learn to be the best version of yourself.

Love and Life

Never Underestimate the Big Importance of Doing Small Things!

October 7, 2023October 2, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

A few years ago, I was going through a challenging time in my life. I felt overwhelmed by the weight of my responsibilities and the uncertainty of the future. It was during this period that a simple act of kindness from one of my patients left a lasting impression on me.

One particularly tough week, as I was preparing for my next patient assignment, lost in my thoughts, a cancer patient I had taken care of often who was being cared for by another nurse that day and handed me a small, handwritten note. The note read, “You are stronger than you think, and your kindness matters more than you will ever know.” Those words of encouragement meant more to me that day than she will ever realize.

At that moment, it felt like a ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds. It was a small thing, a mere piece of paper with a few words, but it had a profound effect on my outlook. It reminded me that there was goodness in the world, that even a patient dying of cancer could offer a dose of hope when it was needed the most.

I carried that note with me for a long time, stuck onto my locker door. Whenever I faced a tough day or felt my resolve waver, I would take a look at it and read those words again. It became a source of strength, a reminder that even the smallest acts of kindness can have a significant impact on someone’s life.

This experience taught me that we all have the power to make a positive difference in the lives of others through small, thoughtful gestures. It’s not always about grandiose deeds or extravagant displays of generosity; sometimes, it’s the little things, like a kind word or a sincere smile, that can brighten someone’s day or provide the support they need.

In my own life, I’ve tried to pay it respect to that patient’s memory by embracing the idea that small things matter. Whether it’s a handwritten note of encouragement, offering a listening ear to a friend in distress, smiling at a stranger, or simply being present for someone during a difficult time, I’ve come to understand the profound impact these small actions can have.

“Never underestimate the big importance of doing small things,” They remind me of the power of kindness, empathy, and the little gestures that can make the world a better place—one small act at a time.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Can We Just Agree to Disagree? Or Not?

October 4, 2023January 8, 2024 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

constructive criticism | lookingjoligood.blog

I recently had a conversation with someone who was very passionate about the topic we were discussing. While I wasn’t particularly invested in the subject, I also didn’t agree with their point of view. As they started to get heated, I stated, “Let’s agree to disagree.” They quickly replied, “No, we need to get on the same page on this issue.” I simply stated, “We are not even at the same library, never mind the same book nor page.” They tried to continued the conversation and I stated again, “Let’s agree to disagree.” Once again they declined and continued to debate the topic. I stated, “Whether you agree to disagree or not, that is exactly what we are going to do, because I don’t plan on changing my view to match yours, and I’d rather not argue about it.”

When it comes to human interaction, one of the most fundamental principles is the ability to agree to disagree. This phrase encapsulates the idea that people can maintain amicable relationships and engage in productive conversations, even when they hold opposing viewpoints. (While I was able to keep my cool in the above scenario, that is not always the case when it comes to me agreeing to disagree. I’m sure if I were the one debating about a subject I am passionate about I might have been less inclined to agree to disagree. )

The notion of agreeing to disagree is frequently called upon when people find themselves at odds over certain beliefs, values, or opinions. It is a practical approach to handle disagreements without causing unnecessary conflict or hostility. Instead of engaging in a fruitless battle to convert someone to your viewpoint or shutting down a conversation entirely, this approach encourages mutual respect and creates a peaceful coexistence of differing ideas.

The phrase “agree to disagree” should not be misunderstood as an endorsement of the opposing viewpoint. Rather, it signifies a willingness to coexist with differing opinions, acknowledging the legitimacy of someone else’s perspective while maintaining the integrity of one’s own convictions.

Agreeing to disagree demonstrates tolerance for diversity of thought and respect for individual autonomy. It upholds the principle that people have a right to their own beliefs and that these beliefs should be respected, even if they differ from our own. Engaging in a constant battle to change someone’s viewpoint can be exhausting and counterproductive.

Many issues and ideas are multifaceted and complex, making it unreasonable to expect everyone to share the same perspective. By agreeing to disagree, we recognize that there may be valid reasons for differing opinions and that not all issues can be reduced to a simple right or wrong. When people feel safe to express their opinions without fear of judgment or backlash, it creates open and honest dialogue. This, in turn, can lead to a better understanding of different viewpoints and, on occasion, even a change of mind.(Keep in mind, as discussed in a previous post, your perception is your reality, but just because something is a perceived reality doesn’t mean it is the truth.)

It’s important to distinguish between agreeing to disagree and passive agreement. Passive agreement implies a lack of critical thinking or a willingness to go along with any viewpoint presented, which is not what agreeing to disagree is about. Instead, agreeing to disagree encourages thoughtful reflection and the recognition that people can genuinely hold opposing views based on their unique experiences and perspectives.

The concept of “agree to disagree” is a valuable tool for navigating complex human interactions, especially when confronted with differing opinions. It embodies the spirit of tolerance, respect, and open dialogue while allowing others to maintain their own beliefs and convictions. So, just because someone is not actively disagreeing with you doesn’t mean they agree with you; they may simply be practicing the art of agreeing to disagree.

Now let’s talk about this concept in terms of the high control religious group I grew up in…

Navigating the concept of “agreeing to disagree” within Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) communities poses significant challenges. These challenges arise from the strong emphasis placed on doctrinal uniformity and conformity to specific beliefs and practices and behaviors. The IFB’s focus on theological rigidity can make it particularly hard for individuals within these communities to embrace differing viewpoints.

pink pencil on open bible page and pink | lookingjoligood.blog

One key factor contributing to this difficulty is the presence of a set of core beliefs within IFB churches that are considered non-negotiable. These beliefs range from strict interpretations of Scripture to moral and ethical codes, and members are expected to adhere to them unquestionably. This strict adherence can create an environment where questioning or expressing alternative beliefs is discouraged.

Additionally, there’s often a fear of potential consequences for those who speak out against established doctrine within IFB communities. These consequences may include social ostracization, expulsion, or being labeled as a rebel. This fear can be a significant deterrent for people considering voicing dissenting opinions.

The close-knit and isolated nature of IFB communities makes it challenging to accept diverse perspectives. This isolation reinforces the belief that their own views are the only correct ones.

The hierarchical structure in IFB churches is a critical factor in the reluctance to embrace the concept of “agreeing to disagree.” In these communities, pastors and church leaders often hold immense authority and power. Challenging established teachings or expressing differing beliefs can be seen not just as questioning doctrine but as challenging the authority of these leaders.

Within IFB churches, questioning authority is often discouraged, if not outright condemned. Pastors are typically regarded as spiritual authorities who have been anointed by God to guide the congregation. This perception of authority is reinforced by the idea that they have a direct line to God’s will and that questioning them is akin to questioning God himself. As a result, congregants may be hesitant to express disagreements or differing beliefs, fearing not only the potential social consequences but also spiritual repercussions.

Furthermore, pastors within IFB communities are often trained in a specific doctrinal framework, which they are expected to uphold and defend. They may not be receptive to alternative viewpoints, as this can be seen as undermining their authority and the doctrinal integrity of the church. This resistance to being disagreed with, combined with the hierarchical structure, further discourages open discussions of differing beliefs and contributes to the overall difficulty of embracing diverse perspectives within IFB churches.

The fear of severe spiritual consequences for straying from established doctrine is a powerful force within IFB communities. This fear encompasses a range of concerns, including the dread of potential damnation or eternal punishment for holding or expressing beliefs that differ from the accepted norms. This fear can be paralyzing, effectively discouraging individuals from openly discussing or even questioning differences in belief. It creates a climate where conformity is not only encouraged but enforced, as any deviation is viewed as a grave risk to one’s spiritual well-being. Consequently, this fear reinforces the existing rigid structures and can be a significant barrier to embracing diverse perspectives within these communities.

Promoting a culture of respectful dialogue and understanding is a positive step toward creating an environment where people can acknowledge and discuss differences without the fear of dire consequences. Changing the deeply ingrained mindset of doctrinal rigidity within some IFB communities may never happen, and in turn, we’ll just have to agree to disagree about it.

Disclaimer: It’s important to acknowledge that this is my opinion based on my own life experiences. It’s essential to recognize that not all people within IFB churches find it impossible to “agree to disagree.” Some may be more open to dialogue and respectful of differing viewpoints, acknowledging that genuine faith can coexist alongside diverse beliefs. People have diverse experiences and perceptions, and some may genuinely enjoy and benefit from their involvement in the IFB. I may disagree, but unlike what I experienced while in the IFB I do not intend to diminish or invalidate those positive experiences but rather seeks to highlight the complexities of personal perspectives and their role in shaping our understanding of the world.

Health/ Fitness

Early Detection Saves Lives!

October 2, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month! As an oncology nurse, I feel the need to spread the word that early detection saves lives!

Breast cancer is the most common cancer among women in the United States, with over 280,000 new cases diagnosed each year. It is also the second leading cause of cancer death among women, after lung cancer. However, early detection and treatment can significantly improve survival rates.

Early Detection Saves Lives | lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

The goal of Breast Cancer Awareness Month is to educate the public about breast cancer, including the risk factors, signs and symptoms, and early detection methods. It is also a time to raise funds for research and support services for people affected by breast cancer.

Get screened. If you are a woman over the age of 40, talk to your doctor about getting regular mammograms. Mammograms can detect breast cancer early, when it is most treatable.

Know the signs and symptoms. Breast cancer can cause a variety of signs and symptoms, including a lump in the breast, changes in the size or shape of the breast, nipple discharge, and pain in the breast or underarm. If you experience any of these symptoms, be sure to see your doctor right away.

Talk to your friends and family. Encourage the women in your life to get screened for breast cancer and to know the signs and symptoms. You can also talk to them about the importance of breast cancer awareness and how to get involved.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is a time to come together to support those affected by breast cancer and to raise awareness about this important disease. By getting involved, you can help make a difference.

There are a number of ways to get involved in Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You can donate to a charity that supports breast cancer research or support services, participate in a fundraising event, or simply talk to your friends and family about the importance of early detection.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Sure, If That’s What You Want To Believe, Go For It…

October 1, 2023September 30, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood6 Comments

Recently I’ve been thinking about the concept of “your perception is your reality.” While this is absolutely true there is another side to that concept, just because something is a perceived reality doesn’t mean it is the truth. Let me explain…

A little while ago, I found myself in a heated discussion with a friend. We had been discussing a controversial topic, and it seemed like our viewpoints were irreconcilable. I firmly believed I was right, and I felt that my perception of the situation was unquestionably the absolute truth.

As the discussion continued, I became increasingly frustrated. It felt like my friend was intentionally ignoring the facts, and I couldn’t understand how they could be so blind to what I saw as the obvious reality. I even started questioning our friendship, wondering how someone I cared about could hold such misguided beliefs.

Then, during one particularly intense exchange, my friend paused and said something that stuck with me ever since: “I understand where you’re coming from, and I respect your perspective. But remember, your perception is your reality, and so is mine.”

Those words hit me like a revelation. I realized that while I was convinced of the righteousness of my position, my friend was equally convinced of theirs. We were both seeing the same situation through our unique lenses, shaped by our life experiences, values, and beliefs.

After some reflection, I decided to take a step back and consider my friend’s viewpoint more seriously. I began researching the topic from different angles, seeking out various opinions and sources of information. In doing so, I discovered that the issue was far more complex than I had initially thought.

As I gained a deeper understanding of the subject, my perspective started to shift. I saw that my initial perception, while valid in many aspects, was not the whole truth. It was a humbling realization, and it taught me the importance of humility and open-mindedness.

This experience served as a reminder that in our interactions with others and our understanding of the world, it’s essential to acknowledge that our perception is just one piece of the puzzle. Embracing the idea that your perception is your reality, but just because something is a perceived reality doesn’t mean it is the truth has since guided me in approaching disagreements and complex issues with an open mind and willingness to learn. The truth often lies somewhere in the middle, influenced by objective facts and multiple perspectives.

Ultimately, my friend and I didn’t completely agree on the issue, but our friendship remained intact. We had both learned a valuable lesson about the nature of perception and truth. It became clear that while our perceptions were our individual realities, there was often a more nuanced and multifaceted truth that required exploration and empathy.

Just because something feels true doesn’t necessarily make it an absolute truth that applies universally. Our perception is like a filter through which we view the world. It can sometimes distort or color the reality around us. It’s like wearing tinted glasses; the world may look a certain way through them, but that’s not how it appears to someone else with a different pair of glasses. (Occasionally, we wear rose-colored glasses, making it extremely challenging to notice red flags.)

Our beliefs, experiences, and upbringing all come together to create our personal worldview. And there’s nothing wrong with that – it’s a fundamental part of being human. However, true reality often exists beyond our perceptions, influenced by objective facts and varying viewpoints. Recognizing the distinction between our personal reality and the objective truth is essential for open-mindedness, empathy, and personal growth. It reminds us that there’s always room for learning and evolving our understanding of the world.

Imagine a room with people from different backgrounds and experiences. Each person might describe the room differently based on where they’re standing or what they’re focusing on. Their descriptions would be their personal realities, shaped by their unique viewpoints.

Growing up in the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community, I was surrounded by a set of beliefs and practices that were presented as absolute truth. From a young age, I was taught that our way of life was the only path to righteousness. This community was my entire world, and my perception of reality was shaped by its teachings.

One of the core beliefs in the IFB was the notion that the outside world was a morally corrupt and dangerous place. We were repeatedly told that secular influences were leading people astray, and that our isolation from these influences was crucial for our salvation. This belief was ingrained in me to the point where I viewed the outside world with suspicion and even fear.

As a result, I grew up sheltered from many aspects of the real world. I was discouraged from pursuing friendships with non-believers, and my education was filtered through a strictly religious lens. While I believed that I was living a righteous and protected life, I was also unaware of the diversity of experiences and perspectives beyond my community.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I began to question my perception of reality. As I ventured into the wider world, I encountered people from various backgrounds and beliefs. I realized that the “dangerous” world I had been warned about wasn’t so perilous after all. People from different walks of life were kind, compassionate, and lived by their own moral codes.

This awakening challenged the core belief I had held for so long: that the perception of reality within the IFB was the only valid one. I began to understand that my upbringing had provided me with a narrow view of the world. While the IFB had taught me that their way was the absolute truth, I came to see that truth is often subjective and influenced by one’s perspective.

The IFB had instilled in me the idea that their perception was the only reality, but leaving the community had shown me that my reality through their view was limited and biased. I learned that just because something is a perceived reality, it doesn’t necessarily equate to the universal truth. This realization encouraged me to be more open-minded, empathetic, and willing to engage with diverse perspectives.

In retrospect, my journey out of the IFB taught me that questioning one’s perception of reality is essential for personal growth. It’s a reminder that our beliefs, no matter how deeply ingrained, should be subject to scrutiny and self-reflection. While my time in the IFB was a part of my reality, it’s not the only truth, and I now embrace a more inclusive and open-minded outlook on the world.

The distinction between our personal reality and objective truth is vital. It reminds us that there’s always more to learn and discover. It encourages us to be open-minded, to listen to others, and to consider alternative perspectives.

Disclaimer: It’s important to acknowledge that this is my opinion based on my own life experiences. While this discussion explores the concept of perception and reality within life and in the context of the IFB, I fully understand that there are individuals who find genuine fulfillment and happiness within religion and the IFB community. People have diverse experiences and perceptions, and some may genuinely enjoy and benefit from their involvement in the IFB. I ay disagree, but unlike what I experienced while in the IFB I do not intend to diminish or invalidate those positive experiences but rather seeks to highlight the complexities of personal perspectives and their role in shaping our understanding of the world.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

How Can Positivity Be So Toxicity…

September 29, 2023October 15, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood6 Comments

Have you ever known someone who believed that surrounding themselves with positivity meant avoiding anything that challenged or confronted them? It seems as if they believed that in order to stay positive, they needed to shield themselves from any form of criticism or opposing viewpoints. They actively seek out environments where dissenting opinions were suppressed or dismissed. Their goal was to create a seemingly serene and harmonious atmosphere, but deep down, it felt like they were hiding from reality. And in reality, it only led to a fragile façade that prevented them from experiencing true growth and happiness.

Overall, I consider myself to be an optimistic person. While I do lean towards reality, I prefer to look on the brighter side of things. But let’s talk about something that often goes unnoticed in our pursuit of positivity: toxic positivity. It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.

Toxic positivity is when focus is excessively on positive thinking to the point where it dismisses or invalidates genuine human emotions and experiences. It’s like putting up a front of constant happiness and optimism, while suppressing any negative feelings. It creates this pressure to always be cheerful and masks the reality of our true emotions.

In my own experiences, I once had a friend who consistently exuded an unwavering positivity. They wholeheartedly embraced the concept of “positive vibes only.” However, as time went on, I started to discern the toxic undertones that lay beneath their cheerful façade . Whenever I shared my concerns or struggles, they would deflect, change the subject, or even chastise me for being negative. Instead of offering empathy or understanding, they would dismiss my worries as mere illusions, leaving me feeling invalidated in my experiences.

While the idea of “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade” can promote a positive and proactive mindset in the face of adversity, it is crucial to recognize that life’s difficulties cannot always be overcome by simply applying such a cliché. Some situations demand deeper introspection, problem-solving, or seeking external support. Relying solely on a one-size-fits-all positive approach may fall short when confronted with the complexities of real-life challenges.

I’ve realized that there’s a significant difference between what I used to think of as positivity and what I now see as genuine optimism.

Toxic positivity, often hailed as a universal remedy, can be just as detrimental as constant negativity. While negativity fixates on problems, toxic positivity denies their existence altogether. Both approaches hinder problem-solving and personal growth, as they fail to acknowledge and address the complexities and nuances of life.

When it comes to solving problems, finding a balance is key. It means recognizing the challenges we face while keeping a proactive mindset. By taking a realistic approach, we can tackle obstacles head-on, explore different solutions, and make progress towards resolving them.

While positivity is undoubtedly valuable, it’s crucial to be mindful of the potential pitfalls of toxic positivity. Sometimes, relying too much on clichés and overly positive thinking can overlook the complexities of our emotions and challenges. It’s important to embrace a more nuanced view, acknowledging the limitations of simplistic catchphrases.

I would love for you to follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

Love and Life

Fitness Tracker Fixation: From Motivation to Obsession

September 28, 2023October 15, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood4 Comments

Let me tell you a love story that turned into an unhealthy obsession…I remember when I first got my fitness tracker. I had recently started working out and focusing on becoming a better version of myself. It was an exciting new motivational gadget that promised to help me stay on top of my fitness goals and track my progress. At first, it was incredibly motivating. I would eagerly check my steps, heart rate, and calorie burn throughout the day, striving to meet and exceed my daily targets. Seeing the numbers go up gave me a sense of accomplishment and encouraged me to push myself further in my workouts.

As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, into 12 years, my reliance on the fitness tracker grew. It became a constant companion, always strapped to my wrist, monitoring my every move. While it did keep me accountable and motivated for a while, it eventually turned into an obsession that started to cause anxiety.

I began to feel anxious whenever I couldn’t reach my daily targets.I didn’t want to move around too much or take any steps if I wasn’t wearing my tracker, every step needed to be accounted for! Missing a day of exercise or falling short of my step count would send me into a spiral of self-criticism and disappointment. It felt like the fitness tracker was just another way of judging whether I was succeeding or failing. I was giving myself an invisible test every single day that my success or failure was determined by the metrics on the tracker. It was supposed to be a helpful tool, but it started to feel like a demanding taskmaster instead.

The constant focus on numbers and metrics began to overshadow the joy I once found in physical activities. Activities that used to bring me pleasure and a sense of freedom turned into a means of achieving targets and gauging my value. It was no longer about enjoying a walk in nature with my dog or a bike ride on a beautiful day; it was about meeting a step count or burning a specific number of calories.

One day, I decided to take off my fitness tracker and give myself a little break from the constant monitoring. I felt relieved! It was then that I made the decision to break up with my fitness tracker and end our codependent relationship. Like leaving any toxic relationship, it was, dear I say, liberating! Suddenly, I was free from the pressure of meeting daily goals and expectations. I could exercise without feeling like I was being graded. I could move around because I wanted to and not because I felt I needed to “get my steps in.”

In the end, breaking up with my fitness tracker may seem like a small thing, but it was a turning point for me! It allowed me to escape the cycle of anxiety I had gotten myself trapped in and regain a healthier perspective on exercise and fitness. While there was a whole lot more that went into it than just removing the tracker from my wrist, letting go was a big step for me! I know that I am more than just the numbers on a device, and my worth isn’t determined by how many steps I take in a day, but having the tracker on reinforced my need to strive for a goal of perfection.

My experience with wearing a fitness tracker taught me a valuable lesson: my worth and value cannot be defined by numbers or data points. I don’t need a fitness tracker to gauge my worth. My true worth lies in celebrating my progress without fixating on perfection, and nurturing a positive relationship with my body and mind. It comes from recognizing that my value extends far beyond physical achievements, and that I am deserving of love, respect, and happiness simply for being alive. In the end breaking up with the reliance on a fitness device allows me to live a happier life.

Wondering why I became obsessed with my fitness tracker? Check out my post about high-functioning anxiety by clicking HERE!

I would love for you to follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

Disclaimer: The experiences and insights shared in the above post regarding fitness trackers and anxiety are based on personal experiences and should not be construed as professional advice. Each person’s response to fitness trackers may vary, and what works for one person may not work for another. Each person’s fitness journey is unique, and finding a balanced approach that prioritizes mental and emotional well-being is crucial. If you experience anxiety or any other negative emotions related to the use of a fitness tracker, consider seeking guidance from a healthcare professional or fitness expert to find alternative methods that align with your personal needs and goals. If you are considering using a fitness tracker or facing any health-related concerns, it is essential to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or fitness expert for personalized guidance and recommendations.

Health/ Fitness · Lifestyle

Self-care Is More Than Gratitude Journaling, Lavender Baths, Candles, Meditation, Yoga, and Treating Yo’self

September 25, 2023September 23, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood5 Comments

Like many people, I used to believe that self-care was all about simple acts of treating myself. I enjoy lighting a candle, taking a bath, reading a good book, gratitude journaling, and doing yoga. While these practices are enjoyable and provided a brief escape from the daily grind, I have come to realize that is not enough.

Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino | Lookingjoligood.blog

A turning point in my life led me to question the depth of my self-care practices. It was during a particularly challenging period when I found myself overwhelmed constantly prioritizing the needs and wants of others at the expense of my family and my own well-being. During this period of self-reflection, I started to realize the shortcomings of my shallow self-care practices. I couldn’t continue to treat myself poorly all day everyday and expect a Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino to solve all of my problems.

As I dug deeper into intentional personal growth, my perspective on self-care evolved significantly. It shifted from being solely about momentary relaxation to becoming a continuous dedication to my mental, emotional, and physical well-being. While I still valued lighting a candle and treating myself to a Frappuccino, they were no longer the sole basis of my self-care routine.

Self-care goes beyond lavender baths, candles, and yoga. While gratitude journaling is a positive thing, on it’s own it quite often is not enough. Self-care encompasses the holistic care of your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. It’s about tuning into your needs and desires and making choices that prioritize your overall health and happiness.

True self-care, I realized, strikes a delicate balance between the soothing moments of external pampering and the depth of self-compassion and boundary-setting. It is an ever-evolving journey, an exploration of nurturing both the external and internal dimensions of oneself, resulting in lasting change and genuine well-being.

Deeper self-care involves setting boundaries. It means learning to say no to things that don’t align with your values or that you simply don’t have time for. It also entails clear communication of your needs and expectations to others. (You can read more about what I have to say about setting boundaries by clicking HERE)

Setting boundaries became a pivotal aspect of my authentic self-care. I recognized that my habit of consistently saying “yes” to others often meant saying “no” to myself, my family, and my own needs. As I acquired the skill of assertively but kindly setting boundaries, I witnessed transformative changes not only in my relationships but also in how I valued and respected myself and my time.

Another facet is the practice of processing your emotions. This involves allowing yourself to feel the full spectrum of your emotions, both positive and negative, without judgment, giving yourself permission to experience them fully. It’s about recognizing that it’s okay to feel sadness, anger, fear, or any other emotion that arises. Rather than pushing these feelings aside or criticizing yourself for having them, you acknowledge their presence with compassion.

Talking to a therapist or a trusted friend can be immensely helpful, as it provides a safe space to express your emotions, gain insights, and receive support. (I am a verbal processor, it is extremely helpful for me to talk through my emotions with a trusted person. If you have ever been one of these people in my life know that I am forever grateful for you. )

Journaling is another powerful way to process emotions. I’m not talking about jotting down 3 things you are grateful for, but writing down your true inner thoughts and feelings. This allows you to explore and make sense of them. It can be a cathartic experience, helping you gain clarity and perspective on your emotions and the situations that trigger them. (Personally, I didn’t even realize some of my true thoughts and feelings until I started writing them out and working through them while journaling.)

For those inclined toward creative expression, such as art, music, or dance, these mediums can serve as valuable outlets for processing emotions. Creating art, whether through painting, sculpture, or other forms, can be a therapeutic means of channeling and externalizing what’s going on inside.

Self-compassion is yet another crucial component of self-care. It’s about treating yourself with kindness and understanding, even when you make mistakes, and accepting yourself for who you are, wounds, scars and all. I am learning to treat myself with the same tenderness and understanding that I readily extended to friends and loved ones. This shift in mindset is allowing me to confront my own struggles and emotions without harsh self-judgment, which has encouraged a sense of inner peace.

I made a deliberate shift in my self-dialogue by replacing negative self-talk with intentional positive affirmations. Instead of criticizing or doubting myself, I began consciously and regularly affirming my worth, capabilities, and potential. These positive affirmations have become a powerful tool to counteract self-limiting beliefs and boost my self-esteem. Over time, this practice not only transformed my mindset but also had a significant impact on my overall well-being.

Positive affirmations are powerful statements that can help shift your mindset towards a more optimistic and self-empowered outlook. Here are some examples:

“I am capable of achieving my goals and dreams.”
“I am worthy of love and respect.”
“I am resilient and can overcome any challenges.”
“I believe in my abilities and trust myself.”
“I am in control of my thoughts and emotions.”
“I embrace change and grow with every experience.”
“I am grateful for the abundance in my life.”
“I am at peace with my past, present, and future.”
“I am constantly evolving and becoming the best version of myself.”
“I deserve happiness, and I choose to be happy.”
“I attract positive and supportive people into my life.”
“I love and accept myself unconditionally.”

snow capped mountains| lookingjoligoo.blog

Taking care of your physical health is also vital. This encompasses maintaining a balanced diet, getting enough restful sleep, and engaging in regular exercise.

Listening to your body is an essential practice of self-care. It involves paying attention to physical cues, such as pain, fatigue, or discomfort, and responding accordingly. Pushing through pain or ignoring warning signs can lead to injury or worsen existing health issues. Tuning into your body’s signals and respecting its limitations is a form of self-compassion.

Just as important, seeking necessary medical care is integral to caring for your physical health. Regular check-ups with healthcare professionals, screenings, and addressing health concerns promptly are vital components of this self-care aspect. These actions enable early detection and prevention of potential health issues, ensuring you receive appropriate guidance and treatment when needed. Take it from an oncology nurse who has seen first hand, early detection saves lives, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Nurturing your spiritual side is an intrical part of self-care. It involves finding meaning and purpose through various means, including religious or spiritual practices, connecting with nature, or engaging in activities aligned with your values. This form of self-care provides inner nourishment, creating a sense of peace and fulfillment. It’s a personal journey that varies for each person, offering a source of strength and clarity to navigate life’s challenges.

Nurturing your spiritual side doesn’t have to look like the cookie cutter version of attending weekly church services. It can include meditation and mindfulness that cultivate inner peace and self-awareness. Spending time outside in nature encouraging a sense of interconnectedness with the world. Yoga promotes balance and alignment. Journaling and reading deepen your understanding of yourself and the world around you. Self-reflection and prayer fuels personal growth and connection with God. Volunteering provides fulfillment and purpose. Religious or spiritual rituals offer structure, community, and guidance, while connecting with like-minded communities provides support. These practices collectively contribute to a more meaningful connection with your inner self and the world around you. Whether through meditation, nature walks, or purpose-driven actions, spiritual self-care contributes to a deeper sense of well-being.

Here are some tips that have worked for me for cultivating a deeper self-care practice:

Begin by identifying your needs and areas in your life that require more attention in terms of self-care. Are you feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or burnt out? Are you feeling overworked and underappreciated? Is your physical health being neglected? Or do you need to nurture your spiritual well-being?

Explore activities that you genuinely enjoy and that uplift your spirits. This could range from reading a book to immersing yourself in nature or spending quality time with loved ones. Experiment with various activities until you discover what resonates best with you.

Prioritize self-care by scheduling dedicated time for it each day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Remember, taking time for yourself is not selfish; it’s an essential act of self-care.

Be consistent in your self-care routine. It’s not a one-time endeavor but an ongoing practice that reaps benefits with regularity.

Self-care is a fundamental aspect of a healthy lifestyle. By tending to your well-being, you equip yourself to better handle stress, manage your emotions, and lead a more fulfilling life.

Self-care is highly individualized and not a one-size-fits-all approach. What brings comfort to one person may not resonate with another. The key is to find self-care practices that align with your preferences and lifestyle.

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

Looking Joli Good

Kindness is beautiful!

Author: LauraJoli LookingJoliGood

It’s Not Me, It’s You! What’s The Deal With Hyper-critical People?!

The Power of Constructive Criticism

Kindness Doesn’t Mean Weakness and Being Rude Doesn’t Imply Strength

Never Underestimate the Big Importance of Doing Small Things!

Can We Just Agree to Disagree? Or Not?

Early Detection Saves Lives!

Sure, If That’s What You Want To Believe, Go For It…

How Can Positivity Be So Toxicity…

Fitness Tracker Fixation: From Motivation to Obsession

Self-care Is More Than Gratitude Journaling, Lavender Baths, Candles, Meditation, Yoga, and Treating Yo’self

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: