High-functioning Anxiety and Imposter Syndrome are BFFs

September 20, 2023August 12, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

Imposter Syndrome... | lookingjoligood.blog

Abstract/TL;DR: Imposter syndrome is a struggle experienced by high-achievers who doubt their abilities and fear being exposed as frauds. It is closely connected to high-functioning anxiety, where individuals appear to have it all together but deal with internal anxiety. Imposter syndrome can be exacerbated by external pressures and judgment, such as those found in certain church communities. Recognizing and addressing imposter syndrome and high-functioning anxiety is crucial for personal growth and well-being. Practicing self-compassion, seeking support, and challenging negative beliefs are important steps in overcoming these challenges. Journaling can be a helpful tool in the process.

As someone who constantly strives for perfection, admitting my feelings and shortcomings isn’t something that comes easily to me. However, I’ve made the decision to share my experiences because I believe they can potentially benefit others. Honesty and transparency are important to me, and I truly appreciate your open-mindedness as I share my struggles.

Imposter syndrome has been a constant struggle throughout my life. It’s that nagging feeling that convinces me I don’t deserve my accomplishments and that I’ve somehow fooled everyone into thinking I’m capable when, deep down, I feel like a fraud. It doesn’t matter how many achievements I’ve earned or positive feedback I receive; there’s always that voice in my head telling me that I’m not as intelligent, talented, or skilled as others perceive me to be. I find myself constantly comparing my abilities to those of others, believing that they possess some innate ability or knowledge that I lack.

Instead of feeling proud when praised for my work, I’m often overwhelmed by anxiety. I question whether I truly earned the recognition and worry that some flaw will be discovered, undermining my achievements. It always feels like there’s more I could and should be doing.

For instance, during the pandemic, I took on a new nursing position that was completely unfamiliar to everyone involved due to the unprecedented circumstances. Despite knowing I was a capable and intelligent nurse, the unlicensed and unqualified people I worked with constantly questioned my decisions. They would ask, “Who do you think you are?” or “Why do you think you can tell us what to do?” This was incredibly challenging and frustrating because, despite being qualified and having the Department of Health on my side, I already struggled with fearing being exposed as a fraud. Imposter syndrome certainly didn’t help matters.

While I generally have no issue with self-confidence in my daily life and can easily make decisions, being in a situation where my competence was constantly doubted intensified my fears and anxiety, turning it into a nightmare. Even though I knew I was qualified and had the support of many others, the persistent questioning made me doubt myself. Their relentless criticism fed into my feelings of being an imposter. It was undoubtedly a difficult time, but it also highlighted the importance of addressing these internal struggles, finding ways to build confidence, stand my ground, and overcome the grip of imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is closely intertwined with something I recently discussed called high-functioning anxiety. It’s when you appear to have everything together on the surface but battle significant anxiety internally. I tend to set excessively high standards for myself and worry incessantly about making mistakes. It’s like living in a pressure cooker of feeling perpetually inadequate and fearing that despite my best efforts, people will perceive me as incompetent.

The link between imposter syndrome and high-functioning anxiety stems from the fear of being exposed as a fraudulent “imposter.” The anxiety that accompanies high-functioning anxiety amplifies these feelings of fraudulence and intensifies the fear of failure or being discovered as undeserving. That’s why many people with imposter syndrome seek validation and reassurance from others, even though they often struggle to believe the reassurances themselves. They fear that without external validation, others will finally see their “true” incompetence. (Sounds familiar to the concept of words of affirmation as a love language, doesn’t it?)

It’s a vicious cycle. Achievements are attributed to external factors rather than recognizing one’s own capabilities and hard work. This self-doubt undermines accomplishments and fosters the belief that one is not good enough. The anxiety and self-doubt stemming from high-functioning anxiety only exacerbate imposter syndrome, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and a constant fear of failure.

Imposter syndrome becomes even more challenging when faced with hypercritical individuals who exploit it for their own gain. These people manipulate and harm you by exploiting your desire to do more, achieve perfection, and master your craft. Unfortunately, I’ve personally experienced this in my own life.

The church community I was once a part of played a significant role in contributing to and worsening my high-functioning anxiety and imposter syndrome. Although it was a place meant to provide support, acceptance, and spiritual growth, I often felt judged and inadequate within its confines. The constant pressure to conform to a specific mold of what a “good Christian” should be created an overwhelming sense of falling short. The emphasis on perfection, both in appearance and spirituality, intensified my feelings of not belonging and fueled the self-doubt that already plagued me. I could outwardly conform to their expectations, but deep down, I questioned whether I genuinely believed what they were teaching. The doubt only amplified my feelings of being an imposter, and I developed a fear of exposure. It seemed as though certain people wanted me to fail, almost as if they were eagerly waiting to hold me accountable for any misstep. Breaking free from that particular church community was initially challenging, but it ultimately provided the freedom to rebuild my confidence and rediscover my true identity.

You have imposter syndrome, yet you always seem so self-confident?! That’s because I am…

I’ve realized that I can totally experience imposter syndrome while still having moments of feeling really confident in myself. It’s like there are these two sides of me that sometimes don’t agree.

There are things that I know I’m good at, during those times, I feel super confident, like I can conquer the world. But then, there are those situations that I’m not 100% sure about, and out of nowhere, this little voice inside my head starts asking, “Are you sure you’re not just lucky? What if you fail? What if you really don’t know what you are doing? What others find out you’re not that amazing?” Imposter syndrome starts creeping in.

Despite the imposter syndrome, I can still have confidence in myself, especially when I’m taking on challenges or doing things I know I’m good at. It’s just that imposter syndrome can sneak in and mess with my head when I am not fully confident, making me question myself even when everything seems to be going fine.

I’m starting to realize that it’s okay to have these mixed feelings. Lots of people go through it – feeling both confident and unsure at the same time. I’m learning to handle this by understanding that it’s a natural part of being human. And by working on this understanding, I can hopefully find a better balance between feeling confident and dealing with imposter syndrome.

This journey of overcoming imposter syndrome is ongoing, and I’m taking small steps every day to combat these feelings of inadequacy. Surrounding myself with supportive people and practicing self-compassion are crucial aspects of my efforts. It may be a long road ahead, but I’m determined to break free from the grip of imposter syndrome and embrace my true worth. Learning to celebrate my achievements and disregarding the voice of imposter syndrome in the back of my mind is no easy task, but with perseverance, it is possible.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? If you also struggle with imposter syndrome, I want to help you find confidence and feel less alone. Practicing self-compassion and reminding yourself of your worth are important steps. Seeking support from trusted individuals can provide guidance and validation in navigating these complex experiences. Personally, I’ve found journaling to be instrumental in my journey. With time, reflection, and support, a more balanced perspective can develop.

If you would like to know more about my struggle with high-functioning anxiety you can read more by clicking HERE.

Check out my recent post about how I have been finding faith following my choice to leave fundamentalism by clicking HERE.

If you still want to read more of what I have to say, check out my post about discovering that I am covered by grace and I am not desperately wicked by clicking HERE

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

Resources

The Impostor Phenomenon: Overcoming the Fear that Haunt Your Success by Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes
The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Educated: A Memoir by Tara Westover
The Imposter Cure: How to Stop Feeling Like a Fraud and Escape the Mind-Trap of Imposter Syndrome by James Hibberd
The Confidence Code: The Science of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Negative Thoughts and Emotions by Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

Hello, My Name is Laura, and I Have High-Functioning Anxiety…

September 18, 2023September 3, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

High-Functioning Anxiety | lookingjoligood.blog

Abstract/TL;DR: High-functioning anxiety silently impacted my life, causing restlessness and unease. Discovering this condition provided clarity and a path to coping. I realized that my constant striving for perfection and comparing myself to others were manifestations of anxiety. Learning about high-functioning anxiety was a relief and validation. I’ve embarked on a journey of healing, practicing self-compassion, mindfulness, and prioritizing mental well-being. While anxiety still arises, I face it with resilience and support. Opening up has fostered connections, and I no longer define myself by anxiety. Each day brings challenges, but I’m hopeful and equipped to navigate them.

It’s difficult for me to admit what I’m about to share, but I believe that by opening up about my pain and experiences I may be able to help someone else. I appreciate your willingness to listen and I’m grateful for the opportunity to share my story.

Have you ever felt like you were constantly juggling multiple responsibilities, meeting high expectations, and pushing yourself to excel in every aspect of your life? Have you experienced a persistent feeling of restlessness, worry, and an underlying sense of unease, even when everything appears to be going well? If so, you like me, may have “high-functioning anxiety.”

For the longest time, I was unaware of this concept, yet it silently shaped my experiences, leaving me feeling like I was just coping with the challenges life threw at me. Little did I know that the nagging feeling deep within me was a manifestation of high-functioning anxiety, silently dictating my thoughts, actions, and emotions. It wasn’t until I discovered this condition that I began to make sense of my struggles and, most importantly, learn effective ways to cope and manage this anxiety that had been silently plaguing me for so long.

I genuinely believed that I was simply coping with the demands of everyday life. I thought that feeling overwhelmed was just a normal responses to the pressures I faced. I pushed myself relentlessly, always striving for perfection and never allowing my mind to rest. Despite my achievements, there was always a nagging feeling deep within me that something wasn’t quite right.

I don’t lack self-confidence and I am not a people pleaser, but I am highly motivated to know what is expected of me and to do it well. I would compare myself to others, constantly doubting my abilities and fearing that I would be exposed as a fraud. I dismissed my racing heartbeat, sweaty palms and overwhelming dread of certain situations as typical stress responses, not realizing that they were manifestations of a deeper anxiety. I often said “I’m not an anxious person.” Because I wasn’t exhibiting the signs and symptoms of classic anxiety, I was in denial. Convincing myself that I was strong and capable, even as anxiety gnawed at my insides. It wasn’t until the anxiety subsided that I realized how deeply I had been affected by it.

But as time went on, that nagging feeling grew louder, and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It was like a constant companion, reminding me that something was off. I began to question why seemingly simple tasks would trigger intense feelings. I felt exhausted by the constant mental chatter, unable to silence the anxious thoughts that infiltrated every aspect of my life.

By chance, I stumbled upon an article about high-functioning anxiety. As I read through the descriptions, it was as if someone had lifted a veil from my eyes. The pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place, and I realized that what I had been experiencing all along was not mere coping, but rather high-functioning anxiety.

Learning about high-functioning anxiety was both a relief and a revelation. It provided an explanation for the constant inner turmoil I had been enduring. It gave me a sense of validation, knowing that I wasn’t alone in this struggle and that there was a name for what I was going through.

Since discovering that I have high-functioning anxiety, I’ve embarked on a journey of learning and healing. I’ve learned to recognize the signs of anxiety and to be more compassionate towards myself. I now understand that my worth isn’t solely defined by external achievements or the opinions of others. I’ve started practicing self-care and prioritizing my mental well-being. I’ve embraced mindfulness techniques to ground myself in the present moment and challenge the negative thoughts that fuel my anxiety.

It hasn’t been an easy road, and there are still moments when anxiety rears its head and tries to take control. But armed with the knowledge of high-functioning anxiety, I’ve become more resilient and proactive in managing it. Opening up has fostered deeper connections and shown me that vulnerability doesn’t equate to weakness and asking for help doesn’t mean incompetence.

While high-functioning anxiety continues to be a part of my life, I am no longer defined by it. I’ve reclaimed a sense of agency and am actively working towards living a balanced and fulfilling life. Each day brings new challenges, but I face them with a newfound strength and a sense of hope, knowing that I have the tools and support to navigate the road ahead.

In future posts I will share some of the things I have learned to help decrease my anxiety and quiet my mind.

Here is some educational information about high-functioning anxiety.

TL;DR: High-functioning anxiety is a term used to describe ongoing anxiety, perfectionism, and a drive for success while still functioning at a high level in personal and professional life. It can be characterized by overthinking, fear of failure, insomnia, people-pleasing tendencies, dwelling on past mistakes, and excessive worry. Treatment often involves therapy, stress management, and self-care. It’s important to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and appropriate support. Resources for further reading include articles from Cleveland Clinic, Forbes Health, and Montare Behavioral Health. Remember to seek personalized guidance from your own healthcare professional.

Classic anxiety is characterized by persistent symptoms such as worry, fear, restlessness, and physical manifestations of anxiety. It can significantly impair daily functioning and relationships, requiring therapy, self-care, and sometimes medication. On the other hand, high-functioning anxiety involves ongoing anxiety, perfectionism, and a constant drive for success. Despite experiencing anxiety, individuals with high-functioning anxiety are able to function at a high level in their personal and professional lives. They may hide their anxiety from others due to the pressure to maintain an image of success and competence. Treatment for high-functioning anxiety typically includes therapy, stress management techniques, and self-care practices to address negative thinking patterns and perfectionism.

It’s important to note that classic anxiety is an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which mental health professionals use to diagnose mental health conditions. High functioning anxiety is not an official DSM-5 diagnosis. It is more of a colloquial term used to describe a specific experience of anxiety. If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety, it is advisable to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and appropriate support.

Those with high-functioning anxiety may demonstrate the following traits:

High achiever.

Highly organized.

Detail oriented.

Outgoing personality.

Proactive.

“An individual with high-functioning anxiety may appear calm on the outside but feel very anxious internally,” explains Dr. Borland. “These individuals may try to mask their symptoms by taking control of the situation.”
Schneider, K. (2022, December 9). Signs You Have High-Functioning Anxiety. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-high-functioning-anxiety/

Recognizing the signs and symptoms of high-functioning anxiety is difficult in large part because people often hide their symptoms. Some common symptoms of high-functioning anxiety include:

Constantly overthinking and overanalyzing

Fear of failure and striving for perfection

Insomnia and fatigue

The need to please others and difficulty saying no

Tendency to dwell on past mistakes

Nervous habits such as nail-biting, hair twirling, or leg shaking

Excessive worry and difficulty expressing emotions

Many characteristics of individuals with high-functioning anxiety are thought of positively, such as being punctual, organized, outgoing, helpful, detail-oriented, proactive, and high-achieving. Others often view these characteristics as part of a person’s personality rather than the result of anxiety.
Center, R. H. (2023). High-Functioning Anxiety | Anxiety Treatment Center Michigan. Rose Hill Center. https://www.rosehillcenter.org/mental-health-blog/signs-you-have-high-functioning-anxiety/

Interested in learning more, check out these resources that were helpful to me…

Center, R. H. (2023). High-Functioning Anxiety | Anxiety Treatment Center Michigan. Rose Hill Center. https://www.rosehillcenter.org/mental-health-blog/signs-you-have-high-functioning-anxiety/

Ismail, N. (2023, May 18). High-Functioning Anxiety: Symptoms, Causes And Treatment. Forbes Health. https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-high-functioning-anxiety/

Lara. (2023). The 7 Signs of High-Functioning Anxiety. Montare Behavioral Health | Mental Health Treatment in Los Angeles. https://montarebehavioralhealth.com/7-signs-of-high-functioning-anxiety/

Schneider, K. (2022, December 9). Signs You Have High-Functioning Anxiety. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-high-functioning-anxiety/

Check out my recent post about how I have been finding faith following my choice to leave fundamentalism by clicking HERE.

Click HERE to read about how I have been trying to find calm following church-induced anxiety.

If you still want to read more of what I have to say, check out my post about discovering that I am covered by grace and I am not desperately wicked by clicking HERE

If you or someone you know is struggling with issues with mental health visit mentalhealth.com

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personal guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

Lifestyle

Desperately Wicked!? Or Covered By Grace?

September 12, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood12 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: Growing up, I was taught to distrust my instincts and rely solely on the teachings of the church. This led to guilt and shame for my independent thinking. However, I have come to understand that this belief contradicts the teachings of a loving God. I value critical thinking and discernment, realizing that faith and reason can coexist. I recognize my capacity for both good and evil and embrace the love and grace of God despite my imperfections. I trust my instincts and have a more compassionate approach to spirituality, embracing my own worth as a beloved child of God.

There is a passage in the Bible in Jeremiah 17:9-10 (KJV) 9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 10 I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. (We’ll discuss this a bit more later*)

Growing up, I was constantly taught that I couldn’t trust my gut instincts. I was taught that my natural inclinations were inherently sinful and wicked, and that I needed to rely solely on the teachings of the Bible and the church to navigate my life. It was ingrained in me from a young age that my thoughts, desires, and intuition were all tainted by my sinful nature, and I felt a constant burden of guilt and shame.

As I grew older, I possessed a strong sense of self-confidence and trust in my own abilities. However, I continually encountered the disheartening message that I was wrong for daring to think for myself. This teaching contradicted my innate belief in independent thought and individual expression. Despite my natural inclination to rely on my own judgment and listen to my gut, I was consistently told that this was misguided and unacceptable. The pressure to conform and relinquish my independent thinking weighed heavily on me, causing internal frustration.

I have come to understand that the belief that we are desperately wicked does not align with the teachings of a loving and gracious God. Throughout my spiritual journey, I have encountered various teachings that emphasize the unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace of God. These teachings have helped me recognize that I am created in the image of God and possess inherent worth and goodness.

I have discovered there is beauty in critical thinking and discernment. Blindly following a set of rules and doctrines without questioning them stifles growth and limits understanding of the world. I embrace the idea that faith and reason can coexist, and that my own thoughts and experiences are valuable contributions to my spiritual and personal development.

I have the capacity for both good and evil, I have learned that God’s love and grace are available to me despite my imperfections. I am not defined solely by my shortcomings or mistakes. Instead, I am encouraged to strive for moral and spiritual growth, knowing that God’s love extends to every aspect of my life.

Today, I firmly believe that I can trust my gut instincts and that I am not inherently wicked. I have come to understand that the Bible can be interpreted in different ways and should not be used as a tool to suppress my own inherent goodness. I have grown from the teachings that once confined me and have embraced a more compassionate approach to Theology and spirituality.

Understanding the love and grace of God has allowed me to embrace my own value and potential. It has taught me to extend compassion and forgiveness to myself and others, fostering an environment of growth, healing, and transformation in my life. I am grateful for the teachings that have shown me the true nature of God’s love and have helped me embrace my own worth as a beloved child of God.

Desperately Wicked:

From depths within, darkness did reside,
But grace’s touch, my soul it did guide.
In shadows lost, I found redemption’s embrace,
Transformed by love, in its boundless grace.

Covered By Grace:

Beneath my flaws, grace’s shelter I found,
A refuge for my soul, where love’s abound.
Released from chains, I embrace my place,
Forever encased in grace.

*Now, for those who, based off of Jeremiah 17:9-10 KJV, would like to tell me why I am wrong and actually I am wicked and inherently evil and shouldn’t be trusting my gut, let’s discuss the verses…

9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 10 I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.

Let’s delve into the context of Jeremiah 17:9 to better understand its intended message. This verse has often been used as a cautionary passage to suggest that we can’t trust ourselves due to the wickedness of our hearts. However, taking a closer look, it becomes evident that Jeremiah 17:9 is more about the specific historical and spiritual context of the time, rather than a blanket statement about human nature.

Jeremiah was addressing the disobedience of the people of Judah in the midst of their impending invasion by the Babylonians. The use of hyperbolic language in Jeremiah 17:9 helps emphasize the depth of Judah’s transgressions and their departure from God’s ways. The focus here is on exposing the unfaithfulness of the nation, rather than making a broad statement about the inherent wickedness of all human hearts.

In fact, when we read further in the passage, specifically verses 7 and 8, we find that Jeremiah also highlights the blessedness of those who trust in God. This nuance suggests that not everyone’s heart is inherently deceitful and wicked. There are people whose hearts are aligned with God’s will and whose trust in Him leads to positive outcomes. (v7-8 Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.)

So, interpreting Jeremiah 17:9 as a universal declaration that we can never trust ourselves or that our hearts are always evil oversimplifies the message. Instead, it’s a call to reflection on the state of one’s heart in a specific historical context and an encouragement to turn towards God’s guidance.

In essence, while there are lessons to be gleaned from this verse about the potential pitfalls of human nature, it’s important to consider the broader context and the message of hope and blessings found within Jeremiah’s writings. The verse reminds us to stay aligned with God’s will and to trust Him, while acknowledging that there are those whose hearts genuinely seek goodness and righteousness.

Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.

Love and Life

Finding Inspiration in Setbacks and Discouragement

September 9, 2023September 6, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood4 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: Sometimes, the lack of immediate results can be discouraging when we’re putting in hard work. It’s in those moments of doubt and frustration that our determination is tested. However, even when progress feels slow, breakthroughs can happen unexpectedly, reminding us to keep pushing forward. Giving up is not an option, and even the smallest steps can lead to something greater. The journey toward success may be challenging, but overcoming obstacles makes the destination truly rewarding.

Sometimes, it can be a bit discouraging when I’m working hard and giving my all to something and I don’t see immediate results. No matter how hard I push myself, progress seems to crawl at a painfully slow pace or remains stagnant. Saying “Just Do It” and “Don’t Quit” is simpler than actually putting them into practice. Deciding whether to persevere or or throw in the towel and give up can be quite challenging. I’ve been learning that it’s in those moments of doubt and frustration that my determination is truly tested.

I want to share with you a personal example of overcoming a discouraging situation. I recently took an Epidemiology and Biostatistics class, and for the longest time, it felt like the material was in a completely different language. Despite the professor’s excellent explanation of the information, I struggled to grasp the concepts, it seemed like I was never going to understand. But then, one day, something amazing happened… It all clicked! Suddenly, I started to understand the intricacies of the subject, it all made perfect sense. That moment of clarity was a reminder that even when it feels like we’re getting nowhere, breakthroughs can happen when we least expect them.

It’s hard not to question whether all the hard work is even worth it, especially when the progress seems almost invisible. But I’ve come to realize that giving up is not an option. It’s in those moments of doubt and frustration that I need to remind myself why I started in the first place. The path to success isn’t always straightforward or swift, but I believe that as long as I keep pushing forward and stay resilient, even the smallest steps can lead to something greater.

I would love for you to follow me on Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four. I would also love to follow you on Instagram and Twitter as well, so let me know your user name in the comment section below!

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Love and Life

Zero Sum Game Belief: A Paradigm Worth Challenging

September 5, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: The zero-sum game belief is the mindset that assumes resources and opportunities are fixed, leading to a competitive and scarcity-based mentality. However, not everything is a zero-sum game, and positive-sum thinking offers a more empowering alternative. Positive-sum outcomes occur when everyone involved can benefit, and collaboration leads to innovative solutions. Overcoming the zero-sum game belief involves awareness, cultivating abundance and gratitude, adopting a growth mindset, building trust, and surrounding oneself with positive-sum thinkers. This shift in mindset can enhance decision-making, relationships, and overall outlook on life.

zero-sum game belief | lookingjoligood.blog

I wanted to share something fascinating that I recently learned and it completely changed my perspective on decision-making and how I perceive opportunities and life situations in general. It’s all about this concept called the “zero-sum game belief.”

You know how sometimes we tend to think that if someone else gains something, it automatically means that we lose out? Well, that’s what the zero-sum game belief is all about. It’s this mindset where we assume that resources are fixed, opportunities are limited, and that success for one person must come at the expense of another.

But here’s the mind-blowing part, it turns out that not everything is truly a zero-sum game. While there are situations where this dynamic exists, like in competitive sports or specific economic transactions, it doesn’t hold true for every aspect of life.

I’ve come to realize that this belief can be quite limiting. It can lead us to view everything as a competition, constantly comparing ourselves to others and feeling threatened by their successes. It creates a sense of scarcity and fosters an environment where collaboration and cooperation take a backseat. (Us vs them mindset)

There’s an alternative mindset called positive-sum thinking, and it’s incredibly empowering. Positive-sum outcomes occur when everyone involved can benefit, and the total gains surpass the total losses. It’s about recognizing that resources can be created, opportunities can be expanded, and collaboration can lead to innovative solutions that benefit all parties involved.

Let’s look at a situation from my own life that I have previously spoken about:

In my former community, there was a woman who, driven by her own struggles with competitiveness, insecurities, and social awkwardness, viewed my friendly nature and ease in social situations, among other things, as a threat. It is important to note that I, too, had my own zero-sum game mindset at that time. I saw her as competition and believed that for me to win, she had to lose. This mindset only fueled the negativity and tension between us.

Instead of embracing the opportunity to learn from one another and grow together, we both fell into a pattern of undermining each other’s confidence and trying to make the other feel inadequate. It was a toxic cycle that fed off our insecurities and created a hostile environment.

Looking back, I realize that had we both let go of our zero-sum game thinking, our interactions could have been so different. We could have supported and uplifted each other, celebrating our unique strengths and learning from our differences. We might have even been able to stay friends, finding common ground and helping each other overcome our respective struggles.

It’s a lesson I’ve learned since then, recognizing the destructiveness of a zero-sum game mindset and striving to approach relationships and interactions with a more collaborative and supportive mindset.

By embracing positive-sum thinking, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. Instead of feeling threatened by others’ successes, we can focus on our own growth and development. We can seek out opportunities for collaboration, tap into collective strengths, and create win-win situations.

So how do we overcome this zero-sum game belief? It starts with awareness. We need to recognize when we’re falling into that mindset and consciously challenge it. We can question the assumptions that everything is limited and that someone else’s success automatically means our failure.

We can cultivate a sense of abundance and gratitude for what we have, appreciating the opportunities available to us. Instead of seeing setbacks or challenges as failures, we can view them as opportunities for growth and learning. We can adopt a growth mindset, where we believe that our success is not dependent on someone else’s failure, but rather on our own efforts and continuous improvement.

Building trust and fostering positive relationships are also key. When we trust others and believe in their good intentions, collaboration becomes easier. We can work together, combining our strengths and expertise to achieve outcomes that benefit all parties involved.

Lastly, surrounding ourselves with people who embrace positive-sum thinking can have a profound impact. When we engage in conversations, read books, or listen to podcasts that promote a growth mindset and collaboration, it reinforces our own mindset shift. I’m really excited about this new perspective, and I believe it has the potential to enhance my decision-making, relationships, and overall outlook on life.

I would love for you to follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

Lifestyle · Love and Life

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” How Maya Angelou Lead Me To Setting Boundaries

September 3, 2023August 25, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood8 Comments

Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them second chances, I’m thankful for the second chances I have been given, but if someone consistently displays negative traits or hurts us with their actions, we shouldn’t ignore the signs or make excuses for them. Trusting their true nature can save us from unnecessary pain and help us make healthier choices in our relationships.

I have had many personal experiences where I have learned the hard way about the importance of this quote. Let me share one in particular. Initially, the person I spent time with seemed genuinely nice and friendly, however, as time passed, they continuously asked more and more from me. They made requests I didn’t want to fulfill, and it seemed like they didn’t truly value my time or our friendship; it felt as though I was more of an unpaid employee than a friend. Despite their actions, I kept giving them second chances, hoping that things would eventually improve. They did not.

Sometimes, they showed kindness and thoughtfulness, which added to the confusion. But deep down, my intuition told me something was off. Clear signs of their true nature were evident, yet I brushed them aside, believing I could handle their behaviors. While they weren’t a bad person, our priorities significantly differed. I began to feel overwhelmed whenever I knew I’d be interacting with them.

Then, something happened that was the last straw. The constant drip, drip, drip of disappointments and hurtful actions reached its peak. It was as if all the warning signs were shouting at me, urging me to believe what I had seen from the beginning. I finally realized that Maya Angelou was right all along. I had seen who they really were from the beginning, but I chose not to believe it. I kept holding onto the hope that things would change, but it wasn’t meant to be.

I must acknowledge that I wasn’t blameless in this situation. Dealing with an overwhelming amount of difficult life circumstances at the time, I’m certain I didn’t handle everything in the best way possible. My own struggles and emotions influenced how I reacted to the events around me. While it doesn’t excuse the hurtful behavior I experienced, it’s essential for me to take responsibility for my part in the dynamics of that relationship. Recognizing my own flaws and learning from those experiences has been an important step in my personal growth and in navigating healthier connections in the future.

After that experience, I learned to trust my gut and pay attention to people’s actions. I don’t rush to judge anyone, but I’ve become more cautious about who I let into my life. If someone consistently shows me that they can’t be trusted or that they don’t value our relationship, I take it seriously.

This quote from Maya Angelou serves as a reminder to respect ourselves and our feelings. It’s okay to let go of toxic relationships, even if it hurts at first. We deserve to be surrounded by people who truly care about us and show it through their actions. So, now I try my best to believe people when they show me who they are, without ignoring the warning signs. It’s a lesson I won’t forget, and it has helped me grow and find more meaningful connections in my life.

After that experience, I realized the importance of setting boundaries in my relationships. It was an important lesson I learned, and it changed the way I approached my connections with others. Setting boundaries means knowing and communicating what’s acceptable and what’s not in our relationships, and it’s essential for maintaining our well-being and self-respect.

Sometimes we end up letting ourselves get hurt and upset because we care deeply about not hurting or upsetting others. We want to be kind and avoid conflicts, so we end up putting our feelings aside. Possibly we don’t want to rock the boat and keep everything smooth and peaceful. But the thing is, holding back our emotions can take a toll on us, and we might end up feeling neglected or unimportant. Finding the courage to express how we feel without being confrontational is important for our well-being. We need to remember that our feelings matter too, and it’s okay to let others know what’s going on with us. Striking that balance between being considerate of others and taking care of ourselves is worth undertaking for healthier relationships and our own happiness.

A book that has been instrumental in helping me set healthy boundaries is incidentally called “Boundaries” written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr Townsend. Reading this book was absolutely an eye-opener for me. Their insights and practical advice really resonated with my own experiences, and it helped me see the importance of defining healthy limits in all aspects of my life.

The book highlights the significance of recognizing our personal limits and how it’s okay to say “no” when something doesn’t align with our values or makes us uncomfortable. It gave me the courage to put myself and my family first and prioritize my well-being without feeling guilty about it.

Learning about setting boundaries also allowed me to understand that it’s not only about protecting myself from harmful relationships but also about adopting healthier and more meaningful connections. By setting clear boundaries, I found that I could build trust and respect with the people who truly valued and understood my needs.

This book offered practical tips on how to communicate boundaries effectively and how to handle situations when others might push back. It taught me that it’s okay to stand firm in my boundaries, even if it means walking away from toxic relationships.

Combining the wisdom from Maya Angelou’s quote, the lessons from “Boundaries,” and my own personal life experiences, I started to approach my relationships with a more confident and self-aware mindset. I’ve become better at recognizing when someone’s actions don’t align with their words, and I’m more assertive in communicating my boundaries.

Setting boundaries is not about attempting to control another person’s actions. Instead, it’s about making a conscious choice regarding what I am willing to accept concerning those actions. By establishing clear boundaries, I define the limits of what is acceptable and what is not in our relationship. It’s a way of prioritizing my own well-being and self-respect without seeking to impose my will on others. Boundaries enable me to communicate my needs and values, encouraging healthier connections and mutual understanding.

“The people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.” This quote emphasizes that when we establish boundaries in our relationships, especially with people who were used to taking advantage of our lack of boundaries, they might react negatively or feel upset about the change. Setting boundaries can disrupt the dynamics that allowed them to benefit from our lack of limits, and they may not be comfortable with this shift. However, despite their reaction, it’s important to prioritize your well-being and maintain healthy boundaries for ourselves.

Setting boundaries has not only improved my relationships but has also helped me grow personally. It’s empowering to know that I have control over who I let into my life and how I let them treat me. I’m grateful for the lessons learned and for the tools I gained from the book Boundaries, as they’ve been instrumental in creating healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.

Disclaimer: I am still a work in progress. As I navigate through life, I acknowledge that I have areas to improve, particularly when it comes to setting boundaries and trusting my instincts. I recognize that I am not perfect, and the people I interact with and build relationships with are also on their own journeys of growth and progress. As we all continue to learn and evolve, I am committed to being more self-aware and open to understanding my own limitations and flaws. My aim is to grow healthy connections, while also allowing room for understanding and compassion for both myself and others, as we each strive to become the best versions of ourselves.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Love and Life

A Lightbulb Moment: Do Not Let Others Diminish Your Worth, Refusing to Accept Projected Negativity.

August 25, 2023August 24, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

TL;DR: When someone offers you a gift and you choose not to accept it, the gift remains with the giver. Similarly, when someone tries to bring you down with their negativity and you don’t allow it to affect you, their negativity remains theirs. By refusing to internalize their toxic energy, you retain control over your emotions and maintain your self-worth. Taking responsibility for our own behavior and creating a positive space is essential in dealing with destructive emotions like jealousy and fostering unity and trust.

I recently had a significant realization, a true lightbulb moment, and I’m excited to share it with you! It’s something I’ve learned that has made a profound impact on me: When someone gives you a gift and you choose not to accept it, the gift still belongs to the person who offered it. By declining the gift, you are indicating that you do not wish to possess or take ownership of it. Therefore, the gift remains the property of the giver unless they decide to offer it to someone else or take it back.

The same is true when someone tries to bring you down with their negativity and you don’t allow it to affect you, the impact and ownership of their negativity remain with them. By refusing to internalize their negative words or actions, you are essentially declining to accept their toxic energy. Just like the unaccepted gift, their negativity continues to belong to them. It doesn’t become a part of you or define your worth. Instead, they are left holding onto their own negativity, while you retain control over your own emotions and maintain a sense of self-worth independent of their attempts to bring you down.

light bulb moment | lookingjoligood.blog

Let me share an example from my own life as I understand the situation. In my former community, there was a woman who, driven by her own struggles with competitiveness, insecurities, and social awkwardness, viewed my friendly nature and ease in social situations, along with other things, as a threat. In response, she attempted to undermine my confidence and make me feel inadequate for possessing these positive qualities that came naturally to me.

While I was initially unaware of her feelings, unfortunately, her jealousy began to seep into her interactions with me and she also actively attempted to negatively alter others’ perception of me. This occurred during a particularly rough period of my life, reflecting on that challenging time, I must honestly admit that I didn’t respond with the maturity and kindness that I should have. I have to take ownership of my own shortcomings in this situation. However, as I look back, I realize that had I simply refused to internalize her attempts to make me feel bad about myself, she alone would have been left with the negativity she intended to impose on me.

Looking back with this new perspective, had I rejected their toxic energy, and maintained control over my emotions and preserve my sense of self-worth I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and frustration. This experience sheds light on the destructive nature of jealousy, revealing its ability to erode unity and trust among peers.It’s important for me to remember that I am not responsible for the negative actions of others. However, I recognize the need to take responsibility for my own behavior and contribute to establishing a positive space for myself and those around me.

Disclaimer: It is important to understand that hurt people often have a tendency to hurt others. While this statement provides some insight into certain behaviors, it does not excuse or justify any form of harm inflicted upon others. It serves as a reminder to approach individuals with compassion and empathy, recognizing that their actions may stem from their own unresolved pain and struggles. Nonetheless, it is crucial to prioritize the well-being and safety of oneself and others, promoting healing and fostering healthy relationships.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Perpetually “Persecuted”? Understanding That People Are Not Against You, They Are For Themselves

August 4, 2023August 3, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

Abstract/TL;DR: Growing up with an “us vs. them” mentality, I was taught to interpreted the actions of others as attacks on my faith. However, I’ve come to understand that people are primarily driven by their own needs and circumstances. Jesus taught love, compassion, and unity, challenging divisions and emphasizing forgiveness. Recognizing that people are for themselves allows me to approach interactions with empathy and compassion, fostering unity amidst diverse perspectives. Bible verses emphasize love for others, unity, and breaking down divisions, reflecting Jesus’ teachings.

Perpetually "Persecuted"? | lookingjoligood.blog

As I have recently mentioned, having grown up in a religious culture that often promoted an “us vs. them” mentality, where people were categorized as either “saved or part of the world,” “for us or against us.” I was taught to interpret the actions of others as a direct attack on my faith or values. I was told that it was personal, as if their choices were deliberate attempts to undermine my beliefs. Over the years I’ve heard a lot about being “persecuted” by “them”. (Persecution is when people or groups face mistreatment, discrimination, or harassment because of their race, religion, beliefs, or identity. It involves targeting them unfairly, denying their rights, and subjecting them to unfair treatment, ranging from verbal abuse to physical violence.)

However, since leaving that community, I have come to learn a valuable lesson: people are not against me, but rather for themselves. Meaning, people are primarily driven by their own needs, desires, and circumstances, they are not interested in what I am doing unless it personally affects them.

Recognizing that individuals prioritize their own interests has allowed me to let go of the notion that their actions are intentionally against me. Rather than being preoccupied with comparisons or seeking external validation, I now try to approach interactions with empathy and compassion, understanding that they, like me, are navigating their own unique journeys. (You know, it’s been pretty amazing to realize that people don’t care about what I’m doing even half as much as I do. It’s been liberating, to say the least!)

While controversial topics are not my usual focus in posts, I am going to make a quick exception. One area where many evangelicals feel persecuted by them is the belief in a “gay agenda” coming to attack their families. This belief can lead to polarization, discrimination, and resistance to LGBTQ+ rights, straining relationships and limiting open dialogue. The concept of a “gay agenda” is a subject of debate, (one I have personally heard preached from the pulpit on more than one occasion) with some viewing it as an alleged organized effort by the LGBTQ+ community to promote their rights by attacking traditional family values (while others consider it a dismissive term for their struggles for equality.) In reality, there are evangelical organizations that work against LGBTQ+ rights, but as far as I know there is no unified “gay agenda” working against evangelical families. There is diverse advocacy for civil rights and social acceptance among LGBTQ+ individuals, which does not threaten family units.

While this is a hotly debated topic, it is essential to approach the subject with nuance and open-mindedness. Just because someone is different than you does not automatically make them wrong. Treating people in the LGBTQ+ community with dignity, love, and respect is crucial, just as all humans deserve. Showing kindness and treating fellow humans with dignity should be the absolute minimum expectation for any Christian. If you claim to love God, you prove that by showing love to all people. I must also add, some of the kindest and most interesting people I know are LGBTQ.

Many evangelicals claim to be persecuted, yet their actions often involve persecuting those who differ from them. They might discriminate, stigmatize, and resist people and communities that don’t fit their beliefs. They come together to boycott companies that support organizations and people with which they don’t agree. Even though they support “Christian” companies, which sometimes engage in questionable nefarious actions.So, while they claim to be victims, they end up perpetuating discrimination and marginalization against others. It’s crucial to be aware of these contradictions and treat everyone with respect and empathy, regardless of their beliefs or identities.

Despite religious cultures that promote an “us vs. them” mentality, that mentality completely contradicts what Jesus consistently preached. He emphasized love, compassion, and unity among all people, regardless of their background or beliefs.

One of the central teachings of Jesus was to love one’s neighbor as oneself. This teaching encourages individuals to extend love, care, and understanding to all people, without discrimination or division. Jesus exemplified this by interacting with individuals from different walks of life, including social outcasts, sinners, and even those from opposing religious groups.

The Sermon on the Mount is one of the most well-known and significant teachings of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew (Matthew 5-7). In this powerful sermon, Jesus delivers a profound message that outlines the principles and ethics of the Kingdom of God.

The Sermon on the Mount covers a wide range of topics, including the Beatitudes (blessed are the poor in spirit, the meek, the merciful, etc.), teachings on love and forgiveness, the importance of being salt and light in the world, and the fulfillment of the law.

Jesus emphasizes the transformation of the heart, encouraging his followers to go beyond mere external observances of the law and focus on the attitudes and intentions behind their actions. He challenges his listeners to love their enemies, pray for those who persecute them, and practice humility, purity of heart, and peacemaking.

The central theme of the Sermon on the Mount is love. Jesus calls his disciples to love God with all their hearts and to love their neighbors as themselves. He teaches that love should guide their relationships, actions, and decisions.

Jesus often challenged the rigid divisions prevalent in his society and emphasized the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation. He taught his followers to love their enemies, bless those who curse them, and pray for those who mistreat them. This message encouraged his disciples to rise above the divisive mentality and approach others with compassion and forgiveness.

Additionally, Jesus emphasized the value of unity and community. He emphasized love, compassion, and kindness towards others throughout his ministry. His teachings encouraged his followers to treat all individuals with respect and empathy, regardless of their background, social status, or circumstances. He prayed for his followers to be united as one, just as he and God the Father were one. Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of God, which transcends worldly divisions and includes all who follow his teachings.

In the Gospels, Jesus often spoke about the importance of loving one’s neighbor as oneself (Mark 12:31) and treating others the way you would want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). He showed compassion towards marginalized and outcast individuals, embracing those who were considered social outcasts during his time, such as tax collectors, sinners, and lepers.

Here are a few Bible verses that correspond to Jesus’ teachings about love, unity, and breaking down divisions:

Love for Others:

Mark 12:31: “The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
Matthew 5:44: “But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”

Unity and Oneness:

John 17:21: “I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.”
Ephesians 4:4-6: “For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all.”

Overcoming Divisions:

Galatians 3:28: “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Colossians 3:11: “In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.”

These verses reflect Jesus’ teachings of love, unity, and breaking down divisions among people. They emphasize the importance of extending love to all, embracing unity, and seeing one another as equal members of the Kingdom of God.

Understanding that people are for themselves and not against me has created space for healthier connections and more positive interactions. By embracing this truth, I can bridge the divide that the “us vs. them” mentality often creates, encouraging dialogue and a sense of unity amidst our diverse perspectives.

If you are interested in reading about what I have to say about The Consequences of Being Forced to Make Black and White Choices in a World of Filled with Gray Nuance you can click HERE.

Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. Hatred towards any group of people is wrong, and no Bible verses can justify or support such hatred, regardless of how they may be interpreted or twisted. Love, compassion, and empathy should guide our interactions with others, promoting respect and understanding for all individuals, regardless of their background, race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or identity.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.

Lifestyle

Give Yourself Permission to Break Free From Relationships That are Weighing You Down

July 27, 2023July 26, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

Abstract/TL;DR: It’s important to recognize when relationships are negatively impacting our well-being and to grant ourselves permission to break free. Letting go of toxic relationships creates space for positive energy and personal growth. Prioritizing our own well-being and happiness is not a failure but a courageous act of growth.

In life, we often find ourselves entangled in relationships that have an impact on our well-being. Some connections bring joy, support, and growth, while others can leave us feeling drained, stuck, and even worse about ourselves. It is during these moments that we need to grant ourselves the permission to break free. We need to recognize that we have the power to step away from relationships that are weighing us down, hindering our personal growth, or perpetuating negativity.

I’ve learned the hard way that it’s important to recognize when certain people or groups consistently make me feel worse about myself. It’s during those times that I need to reevaluate where I invest my time and energy.

Letting go can be daunting, even seemingly unattainable at times. But I can say with certainty, based on my own experiences, that while it is undeniably challenging, it is incredibly worth it. When I finally mustered the courage to distance myself from toxic relationships, a weight was lifted off my shoulders!

I realized that I was allowing these negative influences to hold me back, to prevent me from reaching my true potential. By breaking free, I created space in my life for positive energy and growth. It wasn’t easy, and there were moments of doubt and loneliness along the way. But the freedom and self-empowerment I gained far outweighed any temporary discomfort.

I realized that I deserved to be around people who uplifted me, supported my dreams, and made me feel good about myself. Those toxic relationships were like anchors, dragging me down. Letting go allowed me to soar and explore new horizons.

It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. It’s okay to prioritize your own happiness. It’s okay to let go of relationships that no longer serve you. Breaking free is not a failure; it’s a courageous act of self- love, growth and preservation.

So, give yourself permission to break free. Take that first step towards liberation, it will be a hard daunting journey that is worth taking. Embrace the unknown and trust that the journey towards a more fulfilling positive life is worth it.

Break free from chains that hold you tight,
Embrace liberation, embrace the light.
Give yourself permission to soar and thrive,
Release what weighs you down, come alive.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Love and Life

Abuse of Power Dynamics and Spiritual Manipulation at Places of Worship

July 25, 2023July 26, 2023 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

Abstract/TL;DR: Power dynamics in churches can influence interactions and decisions within the community. When power is misused, it can lead to negative actions and behaviors, including spiritual manipulation and abuse. Victims may hesitate to speak out due to fear and the culture of secrecy within the church. Recognizing and addressing power dynamics, manipulation, and abuse is essential for creating safe and supportive church communities that prioritize the well-being of all members. Restoring the true values and teachings of love and respect is crucial for healing and justice.

*Please note the disclaimer below

Content Warning: I may not cover all of these things in detail, you might feel triggered by the content of this post.
CW: religious trauma, spiritual abuse, physical abuse, SA, guilt and shame, emotional manipulation, loss of community, and fear of rejection

Whether we are discussing the Catholic church, Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill, Bill Gothard and the ILBP, the Southern Baptist Convention, or any one of the several Hillsong church scandals, or, in my experience, within the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) religious institution, it is unfortunate that the subject of church leaders abusing their congregants has become so prevalent in the news.

Let’s start by talking about what power dynamics mean: Power dynamics determine who has power and control in relationships and social settings. Understanding them helps us see how power affects interactions and decisions. It shows how power can be used positively or negatively and its impact on individuals and communities.

In a church, power dynamics also involve spiritual control and authority. Leaders like pastors or priests hold significant power, making important decisions and guiding the church. Other influential people within the church community may include board members, deacons, elders, and Sunday school teachers. Power distribution can vary among churches, with some emphasizing equal sharing of power among members and others having a more centralized power structure.

Power dynamics in churches can be complex and complicated. While not all churches operate in the same way, I can share from my personal experience that power dynamics within a churches can sometimes lead to negative actions and behaviors, especially when combined with spiritual manipulation. This occurs when individuals in positions of authority misuse their power to control or exploit others. They may manipulate religious beliefs, practices, or teachings to influence people’s thoughts, actions, or emotions for their own benefit.

This behavior is deeply concerning because it not only affects people’s emotional well-being but also undermines the trust we place in the church, and the very foundation of our faith and belief system. When power is misused in this way, it can create confusion, guilt, and even lead to the loss of faith for some individuals.

In some cases, power dynamics within the church can discourage questioning or challenging authority, creating an environment where abusive behavior can occur. Perpetrators may exploit their position of authority to exert control over others, enabling them to engage in abusive actions. Victims often hesitate to speak out or report the abuse due to fears of potential consequences, such as social exclusion or disbelief. This fear-induced silence allows the abusers to continue their harmful behavior without facing accountability.

The power imbalance exacerbates the potential for abuse, as victims may feel intimidated or believe it is inappropriate to question those in positions of power. Abusers may distort or misuse religious teachings to justify their abusive actions or manipulate victims into compliance. They might manipulate religious beliefs, such as emphasizing forgiveness or submission, to silence victims or discourage them from seeking help.

Power imbalances can lead to a culture of secrecy and protection within the church. Leaders or community members might prioritize maintaining the reputation of the church or protecting the abuser over the well-being and safety of victims. This can prevent the disclosure of abuse and hinder the process of seeking justice.

Though it is important to note that not all religious leaders are abusers, the actions of those who engage in abusive behavior can unfortunately tarnish the reputation of the entire community.

In my experience within IFB religious institutions, I have witnessed how power dynamics can have detrimental effects. Within the church hierarchy, certain individuals hold positions of authority and control, which can lead to a misuse of power. This manipulation can result in hurt and harm to those within the community. For instance, I have seen church leaders use their authority to silence dissenting voices, discourage critical thinking, and enforce strict legalistic adherence to their interpretations of doctrine. This not only stifles individual autonomy but also creates an environment where questioning or expressing concerns is discouraged. As a result, manipulation and hurt can thrive, leaving many feeling marginalized and voiceless within the community they once trusted.

One significant issue I’ve observed is the breach of confidentiality within trusted counseling relationships. It is disheartening to witness people who are sought for guidance and support betray the trust placed in them by sharing confidential information. This breach of confidentiality not only undermines the sense of safety and privacy that should accompany counseling, but also leads to a breakdown in trust within the community. Such actions further perpetuate a cycle of manipulation, hurt, and a reluctance to seek help when it is truly needed. It is imperative that religious institutions emphasize and uphold the ethical standards of confidentiality, ensuring that individuals can confide in trusted counselors and leaders without fear of their personal struggles being divulged to others.

Recognizing and addressing power dynamics, spiritual manipulation, and abuse within religious institutions is crucial for fostering healthy, inclusive, and supportive communities. We need to create places where everyone feels safe to talk about their concerns and hold leaders responsible, and prioritize the well-being and integrity of everyone in the church community.

We should always focus on taking care of each other and treating everyone with respect. By shining a light on these problems, we can work towards healing, justice, and a restoration of the true values and teachings that are supposed to guide us, such as the greatest commandment to love God and love others as ourselves.

If you or someone you know is experiencing physical or sexual abuse, please reach out for help. There are organizations and helplines dedicated to providing support, guidance, and resources to those in need. No one should have to endure abuse, and seeking assistance is a crucial step towards safety and healing.

Click HERE for a list of helpful resources.

Help! | lookingjoligood.blog — resources for assistance with abuse.

Here are a few of the most well-known organizations and helplines:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline): 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) 800.799.SAFE (7233)

Childhelp USA (Childhelp): 1-800-422-4453

The National Human Trafficking Hotline (NHTH): 1-888-373-7888

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC): 1-800-THE-LOST (843-5678)

If you have access to a SAFE computer:

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) https://www.thehotline.org/ provides information and resources on domestic violence, including a state-by-state directory of domestic violence organizations.

Internet usage can be monitored and is impossible to erase completely. If you’re concerned your internet usage might be monitored, call them at 800.799.SAFE (7233). Learn more about digital security and remember to clear your browser history after visiting their website.

The National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC) provides information and resources on a variety of crime victim issues, including physical and sexual abuse. https://victimsofcrime.org/

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) https://www.rainn.org/ also has a number of online resources, including a chat hotline, a library of information, and a blog.

These are just a few of the many organizations and helplines that can provide support to victims of physical and sexual abuse.

In addition to these organizations, there are also many local resources available. You can contact your local police department, hospital, or mental health clinic for more information. If you have access to a safe computer you can also search online for “domestic violence resources” or “sexual assault resources” in your area.

You are not alone. There are people who care about you and want to help. Please reach out for help if you are being abused.

Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. My decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.While I speak from personal experience and perspective, I want to acknowledge that I come from a place of extreme privilege. I understand that I have the means and support to change my situation, which may not be the case for everyone. It is important to recognize that each individual’s circumstances vary, and not everyone has the same resources available to them.

References

Abuser database. (n.d.). https://www.preacherboyspodcast.com/abuser-database#Australia

DeGroat, C. (2022). When narcissism comes to church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. InterVarsity Press.

Lucey, C. (2021). What is Spiritual Abuse and How Do We Recognize It? Christianity.com. https://www.christianity.com/wiki/church/what-does-spiritual-abuse-within-a-church-look-like.html

Looking Joli Good

Kindness is beautiful!

Tag: health

High-functioning Anxiety and Imposter Syndrome are BFFs

Hello, My Name is Laura, and I Have High-Functioning Anxiety…

Here is some educational information about high-functioning anxiety.

Desperately Wicked!? Or Covered By Grace?

Finding Inspiration in Setbacks and Discouragement

Zero Sum Game Belief: A Paradigm Worth Challenging

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” How Maya Angelou Lead Me To Setting Boundaries

A Lightbulb Moment: Do Not Let Others Diminish Your Worth, Refusing to Accept Projected Negativity.

Perpetually “Persecuted”? Understanding That People Are Not Against You, They Are For Themselves

Give Yourself Permission to Break Free From Relationships That are Weighing You Down

Abuse of Power Dynamics and Spiritual Manipulation at Places of Worship

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