Lifestyle

The Dark Side of Human Nature: Unveiling the Leaden Rule – Treating Others as We Fear Being Treated

January 23, 2025January 11, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule is often one of the first things we are taught as children. Unfortunately, many people tend to instead live by the Leaden Rule, which is quite the opposite of that rule: “Do unto others what you most fear having done unto you.” It’s an interesting concept, and it’s something we might do unconsciously, especially when we’re feeling insecure or threatened. The Leaden Rule can be a bit of a double-edged sword. It can lead to conflict, breed resentment, and leave us feeling isolated. What’s worse, it can keep us from forming those deep, meaningful connections we all need and want.

Several years ago, I discovered the Enneagram through my younger sister. It was an intriguing introduction to a personality framework that offers deep insights into the human psyche. The Enneagram goes beyond categorizing personalities; it provides a tool for introspection, self-growth, and development. Over time, I’ve found it invaluable in understanding my own motivations and behaviors, and in cultivating a journey of intentional growth and self-awareness. By examining the deeper patterns that drive my actions, I’ve been able to develop greater emotional intelligence and make more conscious choices about how I interact with myself and others.

enneagram example | lookingjoligood.blog — I’m not necessarily a big Pooh person, but this is a great example of the different enneagram personality types. Pooh is a 9, Rabbit is a 1, and so on…

The Leaden Rule is an interesting concept I encountered while exploring the Enneagram, introduced by Don Riso and Russ Hudson in The Wisdom of the Enneagram. This rule—“Do unto others what you most fear having done unto you”—exposes a darker side of human nature. When fear takes hold, it can lead to a cascade of negative thoughts and assumptions about others. For instance, if we fear rejection, we may assume that nobody genuinely likes us. If we fear betrayal, we might become suspicious of the people we care about most. This tendency to think the worst of people stems from a self-protective mechanism—we’re trying to shield ourselves from potential harm or disappointment. The Leaden Rule starkly contrasts with the Golden Rule, urging us to treat others as we want to be treated. It highlights how, driven by fears and insecurities, individuals may act out against others in ways they themselves dread, creating toxic interactions and reinforcing a cycle of negativity [2].

The roots of the Leaden Rule often lie in childhood experiences and attachment styles, where core fears and desires are formed. Each Enneagram type manifests this rule differently, reflecting their unique struggles. For example, a person driven by a fear of rejection might preemptively push others away, while someone who fears vulnerability may dominate conversations to avoid feeling exposed. Such behaviors can lead to damaged relationships and hinder personal well-being, perpetuating a self-fulfilling prophecy [2].

Recognizing and overcoming these tendencies requires self-awareness and empathy. Instead of implementing the Leaden or Golden Rule, another option is the Platinum Rule—treating others as they want to be treated—offers an alternative path. By understanding and addressing core fears, individuals can develop healthier interactions and relationships. This shift not only reduces harmful behaviors but also encourages personal growth, aligning actions with values of compassion and understanding.

My own journey of growth has been shaped by insights like these. In stepping away from the constraining Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) mindset, I began to embrace a broader perspective on life and relationships. I’ve learned to focus on what I can control—my reactions—even when my inner self feels “spicy.” It’s a continual practice of introspection and intentionality, guided by principles like those found in the Enneagram.

The relevance of the Leaden Rule extends beyond personal interactions, influencing societal dynamics as well. For instance, the fears surrounding political leadership, such as the return of Donald Trump to the presidency, can trigger Leaden Rule behaviors on a collective level. Polarization, erosion of democratic norms, misinformation, and social division are examples of how these fears might manifest[5][6]. Although some members of MAGA might seem intimidating, it’s important to recognize that they, like many others, may be operating under the Leaden Rule due to past hurts and fears. Their actions, while potentially concerning, often stem from a place of vulnerability and a desire for protection rather than malice[2]. Addressing such tendencies requires empathy, dialogue, and a commitment to democratic principles, creating unity even amidst uncertainty. By understanding the underlying fears and insecurities driving these behaviors, we can work towards bridging divides and promoting mutual understanding in our society[1, 2,7].

My exploration of the Enneagram and its teachings has not only enriched my understanding of human behavior but has also been a catalyst for self-improvement. Concepts like the Leaden Rule challenge me to confront my fears and break cycles of negative behavior, striving instead to act with empathy and authenticity. This journey of growth has been transformative, empowering me to navigate life with greater clarity and resilience.

I think the key is to be aware of the Leaden Rule and not let it take over. When I am feeling vulnerable, I’ve been trying to take a moment to ask myself if I’m projecting my own fears onto others. Instead, I’ve been trying to put the Golden Rule into action and treat others the way I’d like to be treated – with respect, kindness, empathy, and genuine understanding. By approaching each interaction as an opportunity to demonstrate compassion, I’ve found that people respond more positively, relationships become more meaningful, and I feel a deeper sense of personal integrity and connection. It’s nice to expect the best intentions from people instead of constantly being on guard and suspecting the worst. This shift in mindset has made my daily interactions much more pleasant and less stressful.

If you are interested in learning more about the enneagram and finding out what your enneagram type is, you can check out this free test by clicking HERE or visiting https://www.truity.com/

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

Reference:
Riso, D. R., & Hudson, R. (1999). The wisdom of the enneagram: The complete guide to psychological and spiritual growth for the nine personality types. New York, NY: Bantam

Citations:
[1] https://www.123helpme.com/essay/Philosophy-Are-Humans-Born-to-be-Good-282810
[2] https://www.kirtanleader.com/blog/enneagram-which-way
[3] https://www.gutenberg.org/files/10739/10739-h/10739-h.htm [
4] https://www.aliciakennedy.news/p/the-many-voices-of-one-writer
[5] https://carnegieendowment.org/research/2022/01/what-happens-when-democracies-become-perniciously-polarized
[6] https://www.icip.cat/perlapau/en/article/polarization-harms-democracy-and-society/
[7] https://www.facinghistory.org/resource-library/political-polarization-united-states

The Allure and Danger of Weight Loss

January 5, 2025October 12, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

Content Warning: Eating disorders, disordered eating, anorexia, body image, mental health struggles, high control religion.

The start of a new year often brings resolutions centered on weight loss, promising transformation and self-improvement. Social media, advertisements, and societal norms amplify this message, equating thinness with success and happiness. The allure is powerful, shedding pounds seems like a quick fix for deeper insecurities or dissatisfaction.

Yet, this focus can be dangerous. The obsession with weight loss often leads to unhealthy habits, disordered eating, and a strained relationship with food and those around you. Instead of health and well-being, an obsession with thinness can overshadow mental health, self-acceptance and true inner happiness. True health comes from balance, not extremes.

During my freshman year of nursing school, I had a acute awakening to the devastating impact of anorexia, a lesson that didn’t come from textbooks or lectures, but from the lived experience of a close friend. Witnessing her battle with this relentless illness was something that I will never forget.

Prior to this encounter, I had only a superficial understanding of anorexia, viewing it as a distant affliction that affected Karen Carpenter but remained detached from my own reality. However, as I watched my friend’s gradual descent into the grips of this merciless disorder, the harsh reality of its consequences became painfully evident.

What struck me most was the insidious nature of anorexia, how it crept into every aspect of my friend’s life, consuming her thoughts, emotions, and physical well-being. It was a silent and invisible adversary, yet its presence loomed large, casting a shadow over our once carefree friendship. Mealtimes and food related outings with her were excruciating!

At first, I naively believed that I could offer support and encouragement, believing that my friend’s struggle was something she could simply overcome with enough willpower and determination. But as her condition worsened and her weight plummeted to dangerous levels, I realized the depth of her suffering and the gravity of her illness.

Despite my best intentions, I found myself unable to truly comprehend the magnitude of her struggle, unable to grasp the enormity of the challenges she faced on a daily basis. Instead of serving as a beacon of hope and inspiration for her recovery, I unwittingly became ensnared in the dangerous allure of her steady weight loss, as if it were a contagion spreading through our circle of friends.

In retrospect, I recognize the profound irony of my ignorance and the tragedy of my misguided perceptions. My friend’s struggle with anorexia should have served as a stark warning, an example of the devastating toll that this illness exacts on both mind and body. Instead, it became a twisted distortion of reality, blurring the lines between compassion and complicity, empathy and enablement.

It was a painful lesson, one that taught me that the impacts of anorexia are far-reaching and multifaceted, transcending the confines of individual suffering to touch the lives of those who bear witness to its destructive power.

And though I may never fully understand the depths of my friend’s anguish, I do understand the allure of weight loss being the reward. In a world that often equates thinness with worth and beauty, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that shedding pounds will bring happiness and acceptance.

While I have never suffered from or received a formal diagnosis of a full blown eating disorder, I have personally grappled with disordered eating patterns. Using food and exercise as a means of control was, at times, a coping mechanism for me. Recognizing these struggles was an essential step in creating a healthier relationship with food and seeking support when needed.

A significant aspect of my post-IFB growth has been centered around healing my connection with body image and food. It has been a lot of work to retrain my thinking towards self-compassion and a positive approach to overall well-being. It took me a long time to believe that I am not defined solely by the food I consume, how much I exercise, or the size of the clothes I wear. My identity encompasses a myriad of qualities beyond these external elements.

group of people making toast | lookingjoligood.blog

Eating is a fundamental part of human life, not only for sustenance but also for social and cultural reasons. However, for some people, the relationship with food can become complicated, leading to harmful behaviors and negative consequences for their physical and mental health.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating, it’s important to reach out for support. Seeking assistance from friends, family, or mental health professionals can make a significant difference in navigating these challenges. Remember that you don’t have to face it alone, and there are resources available to help you on the path to recovery. Prioritize your well-being and take the first step toward seeking the support you need. I’ve included some resources and references below.**

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on eating disorders or disordered eating. The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

**Resources:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/in-depth/eating-disorder-treatment/art-20046234

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/

https://anad.org/

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders

Project HEAL. (2023, November 10). Project HEAL. https://www.theprojectheal.org/

**References:

Akrawi, D., Bartrop, R., Potter, U., & Touyz, S. (2015). Religiosity, spirituality in relation to disordered eating and body image concerns: A systematic review. Journal of Eating Disorders, 3(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40337-015-0064-0

Grenfell, J. W. (2006). Religion and Eating Disorders: Towards understanding a neglected perspective. Feminist Theology, 14(3), 367–387. https://doi.org/10.1177/0966735006063775

Kose, J., Paz‐Graniel, I., Péneau, S., Julia, C., Herçberg, S., Galán, P., Touvier, M., & Andreeva, V. A. (2022). A population-based study of macronutrient intake according to mental health status with a focus on pure and comorbid anxiety and eating disorders. European Journal of Nutrition, 61(7), 3685–3696. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00394-022-02923-x

Huline‐Dickens, S. (2000). Anorexia nervosa: Some connections with the religious attitude. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 73(1), 67–76. https://doi.org/10.1348/000711200160309

National Eating Disorders Association. (2021, July 14). Statistics & Research on eating disorders. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/statistics-research-eating-disorders?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAgK2qBhCHARIsAGACuzn1KQjJps5k1v90ly1NNKbT6SafnV7CzQdvoNS1yasCL2KftzM7JlUaAtEyEALw_wcB

Project HEAL. (2023, November 10). Project HEAL. https://www.theprojectheal.org/

RCN Publishing. (n.d.). Research |. UCLan – University of Central Lancashire. https://clok.uclan.ac.uk/45420/

Riddle, D. R., Presseller, E. K., & Juarascio, A. S. (2023). Latent profiles of emotion dysregulation among individuals with binge‐spectrum eating disorders: Associations with eating disorder pathology. European Eating Disorders Review, 31(6), 793–801. https://doi.org/10.1002/erv.3009

Sigel, E. (2009). DISORDERED EATING BEHAVIORS. In Elsevier eBooks. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-1-4160-3370-7.00059-6

Thomas, J., O’Hara, L., Tahboub-Schulte, S., Grey, I., & Chowdhury, N. (2018). Holy anorexia: Eating disorders symptomatology and religiosity among Muslim women in the United Arab Emirates. Psychiatry Research, 260, 495–499. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2017.11.082

Thorne, R. (2022, September 14). Everything you need to know about disordered eating, according to experts. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/disordered-eating-vs-eating-disorder

What are eating disorders? – Project HEAL. (n.d.). Project HEAL. https://www.theprojectheal.org/what-are-eating-disorders

Why do people become anorexic? | Transformations mending fences. (n.d.). Transformations Mending Fences. https://ttcmendingfences.com/blog/why-do-people-become-anorexic-disordered-eating-explained/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAgK2qBhCHARIsAGACuzlbnVzfVfu64Zwj5BfqF8zYQ8LpFfm1VpmVXhbWXsQE56Klo-QUFaoaAtO0EALw_wcB

Love and Life

How Do You Make Others Feel?

October 16, 2024September 30, 2024 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

You know, it’s funny how life works. We go about our days, having countless conversations, sharing thoughts and ideas with people we meet. But in the grand scheme of things, what really sticks with us are the emotions, the feelings that those interactions leave us with.

I’ve often heard the saying, “Someone might not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel.” It’s a powerful truth, one that resonates deeply with me. Think about it for a moment. Think about the people who have made an impact on your life. What is it about them that you remember most vividly? Chances are, it’s not the exact words they used, but the way they made you feel.

So, it begs the question, how do you want to be remembered? What kind of emotions do you want to leave in your wake when you engage with others? Do you want to be remembered as someone who inspired, comforted, or uplifted those around you? Or perhaps as someone who brought laughter and joy into people’s lives?

It’s a wonderful opportunity to shape the memories people will carry of you. Every interaction is a chance to leave a positive mark, to make someone’s day a little brighter, and to create lasting, meaningful connections. So, as you go through life, remember that you have the power to leave a lasting impression through the way you make others feel.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Lifestyle

It Was Never About “Her” But Always About Me

July 25, 2024January 26, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

Why Her? 6 Truths We Need to Hear When Measuring Up Leaves Us Falling Behind by Nicki Koziarz | lookingjoligood.blog

Several years ago, I participated in a Bible study using the book Why Her by Nicki Koziarz. The book focuses on the often painful struggle of comparison and provides insights to help women overcome this challenge. While I am generally a content person, different circumstances at that time made me particularly vulnerable to comparison, and I found myself constantly measuring my life against those around me.

At the time, the book was helpful. It offered valuable perspectives and practical advice that provided temporary relief and moments of clarity. However, I have come to realize that the real turning point in my struggle with comparison was not just the insights from a book but removing myself from the environment that was causing so much turmoil in my life.

The high-demand community I was part of created a culture of scrutiny and judgment, which significantly contributed to my feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. I have written in a previous post that you cannot get well in the same toxic environment that was making you sick. Removing myself from that environment was a crucial first step in my healing process. It allowed me to gain perspective and start prioritizing my own well-being.

Reading my posts it may sound as if I am blaming all my problems on the religious community I was a part of, and while the environment was a factor, it was merely a catalyst for deeper issues. To begin healing, I had to confront and address these underlying problems and take responsibility.

WhyHer Nicki Koziarz | lookingjoligood.blog

Comparison is an internal issue that cannot be fixed with external solutions. True contentment comes from within and requires addressing the underlying insecurities and beliefs that fuel comparison. No amount of external validation or changes in circumstances can fully resolve this internal struggle. It takes introspection, self-compassion, and a shift in perspective to overcome the habit of comparing ourselves to others and find genuine peace and satisfaction in who we are.

Wherever you go, there you are—and if comparison is rooted within you, it will follow. Changing your surroundings won’t silence it; only shifting your mindset and finding contentment in your own journey can truly set you free.

Now, I am content not only with the choices I have made to create a healthier, more positive life, but also with who I am internally and externally, flaws and all. Looking back, I realize that the struggle was never about “her” or anyone else I compared myself to—it was always about me. By focusing on my own choices and well-being, I have found a sense of peace and fulfillment that comparison could never bring.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Top Ten Lessons I Have Learned In Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

July 18, 2024July 9, 2024 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

Last year on July 18, 2023, I posted my first installment in my series called Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism. To be honest, I was so nervous about opening up and posting about my personal growth and decision to leave the church and beliefs that I held for my entire life. At the time I had no idea what the perception or push back might be. Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional enough to think that this blog would have any major reach, but it still took courage for me to be vulnerable enough to put my thoughts and feelings out into the ether of the internet. Opening up about personal struggles and growth isn’t easy, especially knowing that my words could potentially be seen and judged by others. However, the act of sharing my story, no matter how small the audience, was important to me.

I realize some of you may be new to this blog and wondering what exactly I mean by “Find Faith Following Fundamentalism.” Or maybe you’re interested but don’t want to read a year’s worth of posts. To save you time, I’ve summarized all the posts I’ve shared over the past year into the top ten lessons I’ve learned. (Links are included at the end if your interest is piqued and you want to read more in-depth.)

1. Healing Takes Time

Healing from the scars of fundamentalism is a gradual process. I’ve realized that time and distance are essential for healing wounds. Speaking from a place of healing, rather than raw pain, has allowed me to share my story with more clarity and compassion.

2. Faith is Fluid

Faith, I’ve learned, is not static but dynamic and evolving. This past few years have shown me that it’s okay for my beliefs to change and adapt as I grow and learn. Embracing this fluidity has allowed me to develop a more nuanced, deeper, and resilient faith. Life is not black and white and my faith based beliefs don’t have to be either.

3. The Power of Questioning

question everything | lookingjoligood.blog

One of the easiest parts of being in a Fundamentalist religion is not having to think for yourself. The rigid views tell you what you are supposed to believe and how you are supposed to think. Questioning long-held beliefs was daunting at first, but it has proven to be incredibly liberating. I’ve come to understand that questioning is not a sign of weak faith but rather a path to deeper understanding and growth. Embracing curiosity and critical thinking has enriched my spiritual journey.

4. Embracing Authenticity

I’ve learned the importance of being true to myself. Breaking free from fundamentalism allowed me to explore and define my own beliefs, independent of rigid doctrines. My growth has been about discovering what truly resonates with my own beliefs and morals, leading to a more true and fulfilling spiritual life.

5. The Importance of Grace

Grace Requires Nothing Of Me | lookingjoligood.blog

Grace has been a recurring theme in my reflections through out this process. Extending grace to myself during moments of doubt and uncertainty has been essential. Grace requires nothing of me! Recognizing that I am a work in progress and allowing myself the space to grow and evolve has been a significant lesson. Extending grace to myself in turn has caused me to be more gracious to those around me.

6. Finding Community

Navigating this path alone would have been challenging. I’ve learned the value of finding and connecting with a supportive community that understands and respects my journey. Whether through online communities, podcasts, books, or in person conversations, sharing experiences with others who have undergone similar transformations has been incredibly validating and comforting.

7. The Beauty of Empathy

Empathy has been an important aspect. Understanding that others may have different perspectives and respecting their view point, even if they diverge from mine, has been important. I have discovered the beauty of letting go of judgment, which has been important in building connections and creating mutual respect.

8. Strength in Vulnerability

Sharing my journey has required vulnerability, which I’ve come to see as a strength rather than a weakness. Fundamentalism often promises certainty, but true faith allows for growth and questioning. Opening up and admitting when I’m struggling was (and still is) a big step for me. It shows that I am strong enough to face my doubts and open up to new opportunities and possibilities.

9. Growth

I’ve learned that every struggle and every moment of doubt is an opportunity for growth. Though I will always continue to grow and learn, I am now trying to see challenges as stepping stones toward a deeper faith and fuller life.

10. Gratitude for the Process

Above all, I’ve learned to be grateful. Every step, whether joyful or painful, has contributed to my growth. Embracing change and seeking truth has a transformative power!

And here is one extra lesson for free. Time and Distance Makes a Big Difference!

Over time and with some distance from difficult situations, I’ve personally found that things do get easier. The weight of emotions lessen, and healing begins. Stepping away physically and emotionally and gaining perspective plays an important role in finding relief and strength. While everyone’s situation is unique, the saying “it gets easier with time and distance” holds some truth.

I shared this poem in my first Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism post. I would like to share it again today because it is still just as true today as when I first shared it.

Growth Lies In Discomfort

In breaking free, I found my voice,
Leaving fundamentalism, my choice.
Some may be upset, emotions may rise,
I share my truth, despite the cries.

For growth lies in discomfort, in open debate,
I embrace the challenge, I will not hesitate.
With understanding, to shed light.
With empathy, I seek to unite,

In sharing my story, my purpose is found.
Though reactions may vary, I hold my ground,
I now speak from a place of relief
My wounds have healed with renewed belief.

Here are links to some of my favorite posts from the last year:

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Speak from the Scars Not the Wound

The Consequences of Being Forced to Make Black and White Choices in a World of Filled with Gray Nuancen

Question Everything!

You Just Want Freedom to Sin…

The Pressure of Perfection Growing Up Fundamentalist (Grace requires nothing of me!)

You Cannot Heal In The Same Toxic Environment That Made You Sick: Ten Tips To Go From Merely Surviving To Thriving

Sure, If That’s What You Want To Believe, Go For It…

Kindness Doesn’t Mean Weakness and Being Rude Doesn’t Imply Strength

The Power Of Taking Responsibly For Yourself

Unraveling the Impact

Does It Ever Get Easier? Do Time and Distance Make a Difference?

What is Behind the Façade?

It’s Not Me, It’s You! What’s The Deal With Hyper-critical People?!

For God Hath Not Given Us the Spirit of Fear, But The Church Definitely Has (Part 1)

For God Hath Not Given Us the Spirit of Fear, But The Church Definitely Has (Part 2)

Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

What If Churches Did Exit Interviews

July 14, 2024July 9, 2024 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

What if churches treated departing members as valued stakeholders in their community rather than as a lost cause?

What if exit interviews would become a standard practice, much like they are in the corporate world. When a member decides to leave, they would have the opportunity to sit down with church leadership to discuss their reasons openly and honestly. This could encompass a wide range of topics, from theological differences and personal spiritual growth to issues related to community dynamics or dissatisfaction with the church’s direction.

What if the church would approach these interviews not as a mere formality but as a chance for genuine reflection and improvement. Actively listening, seeking to understand the departing member’s perspective and experiences. The goal wouldn’t be to convince them to stay but to learn from their insights.

Imagine if churches took this feedback to heart, using it as a catalyst for positive change. If patterns of discontent or issues with church culture were identified through exit interviews, leadership could address them proactively. Doctrinal concerns could be discussed openly, leading to more inclusive and understanding theology. If people were leaving due to feeling marginalized or unsupported, the church could work on creating a more compassionate and inclusive environment.

Ultimately, such a practice could help churches evolve and adapt to the changing needs of their congregation. It could encourage a culture of accountability and transparency, where the voices of both current and former members are heard and respected. It would be a powerful step towards ensuring that the church remains a place where people’s spiritual journeys are nurtured and respected, even if they choose a different path.

I have heard more than once from the pulpit, “If you don’t like it, there’s the door.” Perhaps if instead churches had the attitude of embracing departing members as valued stakeholders in their community rather than dismissing them as a lost cause, there wouldn’t be a need for many exit interviews after all.

Disclaimer:It’s important to acknowledge that this is my opinion based on my own life experiences. I fully understand that there are individuals who find genuine fulfillment and happiness within religion and the IFB community. People have diverse experiences and perceptions, and some may genuinely enjoy and benefit from their involvement in the IFB. I may disagree, but unlike what I experienced while in the IFB I do not intend to diminish or invalidate those positive experiences but rather seeks to highlight the complexities of personal perspectives and their role in shaping our understanding of the world.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

The Shape of My Body is Not a Moral Failing

July 8, 2024 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood4 Comments

While working on a different post, my mind kept coming back to the thought that the shape of my body is not a moral failing. Let me explain… For years, I internalized the belief that my worth was tied to my appearance, influenced by societal standards and the rigid expectations of the religious community I was once part of. This led to constant self-criticism, punishing myself with excessive exercise for my perceived flaws, and a relentless pursuit of an unattainable ideal.

I fully believe that had I remained in the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) community I was a part of, I never would have made these positive changes in my way of thinking. The rigid expectations and constant scrutiny would have continued to shape my self-perception, trapping me in a cycle of self-criticism and shame.

Being part of a high-demand fundamentalist religion, such as the IFB, profoundly shaped my perspective on beauty standards and my body. In these types of religious circles, strict and often unrealistic ideals about physical appearance are enforced, rooted in rigid interpretations of modesty and morality. This environment can create a deeply ingrained sense of body shame, judgment, and self-criticism.

Within these high-demand communities, the shape and appearance of one’s body can be scrutinized as a reflection of moral and spiritual standing. Adherence to specific dress codes and behaviors is seen as evidence of one’s piety and commitment to religious principles. This can create an oppressive atmosphere where any deviation from the norm is judged harshly, leading to a persistent internalization of body shame.

Stepping away from the high-demand religion has allowed me to see that the shape of my body is not a moral failing. Our bodies are diverse, influenced by genetics, health, and a host of other factors that have nothing to do with our character or spiritual worth. Equating body shape with moral value is a flawed perspective that only perpetuates harmful judgment and exclusion.

Rejecting these restrictive beauty standards and embracing body positivity has been crucial for my healing and self-acceptance. It involved challenging deeply ingrained beliefs, celebrating the diversity of human bodies, and learning to love myself as I am. By shifting the focus from rigid conformity to appreciating the uniqueness of each individual, I have learned I can combat the damaging effects of body shaming and promote a more inclusive and compassionate way of thinking.

This mental change hasn’t been easy. It involved unlearning deeply ingrained beliefs and confronting the internalized shame that stemmed from years of conforming to external expectations. But with each step, I’ve grown stronger and more compassionate toward myself. I’ve come to realize that my value isn’t determined by my appearance but by who I am as a person. Our bodies, in all their diversity, deserve respect and kindness.

No act of Kindness is ever wasted | lookingjoligood.wordpress.com

Learning to accept my own body’s perceived flaws has made it easier for me to be kind to myself and, in turn, others. By embracing my imperfections, I’ve cultivated an internal empathy, allowing me to appreciate the uniqueness of myself and others without judgment. This shift in perspective has made me a more compassionate and supportive person, which everyone around me benefits from.

True beauty comes from authenticity and self-acceptance, not from adhering to an unrealistic and narrow set of standards. Everyone deserves to feel confident and valued, regardless of their physical appearance. The shape of my body is not a moral failing; it is a natural and unique expression of who I am. By recognizing this, I have been able to let go of the guilt and shame imposed by unrealistic beauty standards. Embracing my body as it is has allowed me to focus on what truly matters: my health, my happiness, and my overall well-being.

Lifestyle

Don’t Compare Your Insides to Someone Else’s Outside

May 26, 2024May 12, 2024 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

“Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outside.”

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of looking at other people’s lives and thinking they have it all together, that everything is perfect for them, and that we somehow fall short in comparison. But the truth is, we often see only what others choose to show us – their “outside” or public face. We rarely get to see the struggles, doubts, and insecurities that go on inside.

We all have our inner battles, our moments of self-doubt, and our personal challenges. It’s a part of being human. So, when we start comparing our own struggles and inner feelings to someone else’s seemingly perfect exterior, we’re not playing a fair game.

Social media, for example, is often just a highlight reel of people’s lives. It’s where they showcase the best moments and hide the rest. But behind those curated posts are real, complex people facing their own set of hurdles, feelings and struggles.

It’s important to be kind to yourself and recognize that you’re doing the best you can with the hand you’ve been dealt. Your life is uniquely yours, and it’s filled with experiences that make you who you are. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you see someone else’s seemingly perfect life. They have their own struggles, insecurities and imperfections too, even if they’re not on display.

In the end, focus on your own progress, your own growth, and your own path. Comparison rarely brings happiness; it often leads to unnecessary stress and anxiety. Embrace your uniqueness, and remember that it’s perfectly okay to have your own set of ups and downs. You are who you are supposed to be just the way you are.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Don’t Throw Good Money After Bad: Why Leaving Can Be The Best Investment

April 7, 2024 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

The familiar adage, “Don’t throw good money after bad,” often transcends its financial origins, it extends to our emotional, mental, and spiritual investments too. It offers a simple yet profound lesson that applies to various aspects of life. It particularly resonates when contemplating the decision to remain in a controlling and toxic environment. In this context, the wisdom behind this saying encourages us to reevaluate our commitment to situations that offer little, if any, positive outcomes. When we find ourselves trapped in such an environment, whether it’s a toxic relationship, a stifling community, or an oppressive workplace, the temptation to stay, hoping things will change, can be powerful yet detrimental.

At first, it might seem like sticking it out is the right thing to do, especially if we’ve invested so much of ourselves – our time, energy, and emotions – into it. We believe that if we just try a little harder, endure a little longer, or give it one more chance, things will improve. It’s a natural human inclination to hold onto what we’ve already invested in, fearing that walking away means admitting defeat or failure.

However, as time goes on, we often realize that our investment of “good” – our well-being, peace of mind, and happiness – is only leading to diminishing returns. The toxic environment continues to drain us, leaving us feeling depleted and disheartened. We begin to see that no amount of “good” we pour into it can change the fundamentally toxic nature of the situation.

In such moments, we need to remind ourselves of the wisdom behind the phrase “Don’t throw good money after bad.” It’s a call to recognize when it’s time to cut our losses and redirect our resources, including our most precious ones – our time and emotional energy, towards something that truly nourishes our well-being and personal growth.

In my own personal situation growing up within the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) movement, I initially found comfort in its doctrines and sense of tight knit community. However, as I grew older, I couldn’t ignore the emotional toll it was taking on me. The stifling environment discouraged questions and critical thinking, encouraging control and judgment. The easy thing to do would have been to stay and continue to hope that things would change, or perpetuating the belief that I was deeply flawed, at fault, and needed to change.

Over time, I realized that my continued involvement in that community was akin to throwing “good money” in the form of my time, energy, and emotional well-being “after bad.” The emotional burden of living in a controlling and toxic environment was becoming overwhelming. Leaving that church and way of thinking meant departing from the community I had known for years. Leaving was a necessary step to regain my personal freedom and emotional well-being. In retrospect, the decision to leave was essential for my mental and emotional health, allowing me to explore my faith and values in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

Staying in a toxic environment, hoping it will transform, can be a futile endeavor. It’s not about giving up; it’s about choosing to invest in ourselves, our happiness, and our future rather than continuing to throw “good” into something that’s fundamentally “bad” for us.

Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal experiences and perspective. I am not an expert, but I was part of a high demand community for the majority of my life. I acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving path, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

The Power Of Taking Responsibly For Yourself

March 17, 2024March 11, 2024 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

Few things frustrate me more than encountering people who refuse to take accountability for their actions, even when they are clearly in the wrong. In today’s society, it seems all too common for people to shift blame onto others or external factors rather than owning up to their mistakes. Through personal experience, I’ve come to realize the significance of accepting responsibility for myself and my actions.

There’s a certain integrity and maturity in admitting when we’ve made a mistake or caused harm. It shows a willingness to learn and grow from our experiences. However, when individuals deflect responsibility, it not only perpetuates a cycle of dishonesty but also undermines trust and damages relationships.

Accepting responsibility is about more than just admitting fault; it’s about taking proactive steps to make amends and prevent similar mistakes in the future. It requires humility and self-awareness to acknowledge our shortcomings and the impact of our actions on others.

Moreover, embracing accountability fosters personal growth and empowerment. When we take ownership of our choices, we reclaim agency over our lives and become active participants in shaping our destinies. Instead of being at the mercy of external circumstances or blaming others for our misfortunes, we recognize our capacity to effect change and strive to do better.

Here are some insights I’ve gained about assuming responsibility for myself.

Self-reflection: Taking responsibility involves honestly assessing your role in the situations that are holding you back. It requires self-awareness and the willingness to acknowledge your mistakes, shortcomings, and areas for growth.
Ownership: When you take responsibility for your actions, you empower yourself to make positive changes. Instead of blaming external factors or other people for your circumstances, you focus on what you can control and take proactive steps to improve your situation.
Learn from mistakes: Accepting responsibility allows you to learn from your mistakes and use them as opportunities for growth. Instead of dwelling on past failures or shortcomings, you can extract valuable lessons that help you make better choices in the future.
Empowerment: By taking responsibility for your actions, you reclaim your power and agency. You no longer feel like a victim of circumstances but rather a capable individual who can create positive change in your life.
Commitment to change: Being willing to change means being open to new ideas, perspectives, and behaviors. It requires humility and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone in order to grow and evolve as a person.
Adaptability: Change is often uncomfortable and requires effort, but being willing to change allows you to adapt to new circumstances and overcome obstacles more effectively. It enables you to let go of old habits, beliefs, and patterns that are no longer serving you.
Personal growth: Embracing change as a necessary part of personal growth and development opens up new possibilities and opportunities for self-improvement. It allows you to explore your potential and become the best version of yourself.

In a world where accountability often seems scarce, being someone who takes responsibility for their actions can set you apart. It demonstrates integrity, reliability, and a commitment to ethical conduct. By embodying these qualities, we not only elevate ourselves but also contribute to a more honest and trustworthy society.

In conclusion, while it can be frustrating to witness others shirking accountability, I’ve learned firsthand the importance of accepting responsibility for myself and my actions. It’s a fundamental aspect of personal growth and integrity, essential for creating trust, building relationships, and being a positive change in the world.

I would love for you to follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

Looking Joli Good

Kindness is beautiful!

Tag: high functioning anxiety

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