It Was Never About “Her” But Always About Me

July 25, 2024January 26, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

Why Her? 6 Truths We Need to Hear When Measuring Up Leaves Us Falling Behind by Nicki Koziarz | lookingjoligood.blog

Several years ago, I participated in a Bible study using the book Why Her by Nicki Koziarz. The book focuses on the often painful struggle of comparison and provides insights to help women overcome this challenge. While I am generally a content person, different circumstances at that time made me particularly vulnerable to comparison, and I found myself constantly measuring my life against those around me.

At the time, the book was helpful. It offered valuable perspectives and practical advice that provided temporary relief and moments of clarity. However, I have come to realize that the real turning point in my struggle with comparison was not just the insights from a book but removing myself from the environment that was causing so much turmoil in my life.

The high-demand community I was part of created a culture of scrutiny and judgment, which significantly contributed to my feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. I have written in a previous post that you cannot get well in the same toxic environment that was making you sick. Removing myself from that environment was a crucial first step in my healing process. It allowed me to gain perspective and start prioritizing my own well-being.

Reading my posts it may sound as if I am blaming all my problems on the religious community I was a part of, and while the environment was a factor, it was merely a catalyst for deeper issues. To begin healing, I had to confront and address these underlying problems and take responsibility.

WhyHer Nicki Koziarz | lookingjoligood.blog

Comparison is an internal issue that cannot be fixed with external solutions. True contentment comes from within and requires addressing the underlying insecurities and beliefs that fuel comparison. No amount of external validation or changes in circumstances can fully resolve this internal struggle. It takes introspection, self-compassion, and a shift in perspective to overcome the habit of comparing ourselves to others and find genuine peace and satisfaction in who we are.

Wherever you go, there you are—and if comparison is rooted within you, it will follow. Changing your surroundings won’t silence it; only shifting your mindset and finding contentment in your own journey can truly set you free.

Now, I am content not only with the choices I have made to create a healthier, more positive life, but also with who I am internally and externally, flaws and all. Looking back, I realize that the struggle was never about “her” or anyone else I compared myself to—it was always about me. By focusing on my own choices and well-being, I have found a sense of peace and fulfillment that comparison could never bring.

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Is Her Gain Your Loss?

November 10, 2018November 10, 2018 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Romans 12:15

I mentioned in posts recently that I have been teaching a Bible study at my church from the book by Nicki Koziarz Why Her? 6 Truths You Need to Hear When Measuring Up leaves you Falling Behind.

Spending time preparing for the study, as well as spending time with the ladies that attend the study has made a big impact on my life!

This book has so many great truths in it. One of the truths that Nicki shares is “Her Gain Is Not Your Loss”

“Pride convinces us that if someone else wins, we somehow lose. But God wants us to know that if “she” wins we all win. HIs promises are for everyone, helping us all work together for a greater purpose. A greater purpose than what we could do alone. Pride tells us God NEEDS us, being promise-filled reminds us that God WANTS us.

The more we know others are with us, the more confident we can be in ourselves. That is how we can start to see…
Her gain is MY gain.
Her loss is MY loss.
Her win is MY win.
Her sorrow is MY sorrow

A confident trust in God’s promises will give us perspective to see that if others win, it does not cause us to lose.
When God reveals something to us, it releases a responsibility within us to do something.”

Excerpt from Why Her? 6 Truths You Need to Hear When Measuring Up leaves you Falling Behind by Nicki Koziarz

Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Romans 12:15

I would love for you to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

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Losing Who You Are Trying To Become Someone You Aren’t

November 3, 2018November 3, 2018 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

In measuring themselves by themselves and comparing themselves to themselves, they lack understanding.
2 Corinthians 10:12

I mentioned in a post recently that I have been teaching a Bible study at my church using the book by Nicki Koziarz Why Her? 6 Truths You Need to Hear When Measuring Up leaves you Falling Behind.

Spending time preparing for the study, as well as spending time with the ladies that attend the study has made a big impact on my life! This book has so many great truths in it. One of the first truths that Nicki shares is “You Need to Be Honest”. Here are a few highlights that made an impression on me.

“Honesty teaches us to stop fearing what we don’t have so we can see what we do.

We often lose who we are while trying to become someone we aren’t.

Honesty can lead us to quiet places where we seek to understand rather than merely react.

You most likely won’t be broadcasting your biggest comparison struggles on Facebook tomorrow. But we all have a place—a place that frequently makes us see ourselves as less-than in comparison to someone else. A place where we feel the most intimidated, perhaps a place that goes back to something deeply rooted in our lives. Something rarely shared because we love to shout our successes but seldom show our secret sorrows.
But the more honest we can become about these areas that threaten our souls the most, the sooner we’ll feel empowered enough to escape this comparison chase. So let’s start by being honest right here, starting with the one verse that uncovered this whole struggle in me. Honesty through the filter of God’s Word brings an understanding that goes beyond our capacity.” WhyHer Nicki Koziarz | lookingjoligood.blog

Excerpt from Why Her? 6 Truths You Need to Hear When Measuring Up leaves you Falling Behind by Nicki Koziarz

2 Corinthians 10:12
In measuring themselves by themselves and comparing themselves to themselves, they lack understanding.

I would love for you to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

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Turning Off the Noise and Getting Quiet

October 27, 2018 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood1 Comment

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
Psalms 46:10

Since around this time last year, I have been teaching a Bible study at my church. It is one of my favorite things to do to serve in my church. Spending time preparing for the study, as well as spending time with the ladies that attend the study has made a big impact on my life!

The last few months we have been doing our study from the book by Nicki Koziarz Why Her? 6 Truths You Need to Hear When Measuring Up leaves you Falling Behind. This book has so many great truths in it. I have learned so much in preparing for the study each week. I love it when God uses different ways to give us just what we need to hear.

“I’m amazed at how much our culture resists quiet. Most of our days are spent managing noise—noise from others, noise from our technology, noise from our inner thoughts.

Sometimes it feels like there’s so much going on in my head that I can’t even hear myself think, let alone hear God. When it seems like God is quiet, we need to get quiet.

When my soul is giving me a clue that it’s not well, even just getting quiet and still for a few moments helps me recognize where I’m struggling.

When it seems like God is quiet, we need to get quiet.”

Ps 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

Excerpt from Why Her? 6 Truths You Need to Hear When Measuring Up leaves you Falling Behind by Nicki Koziarz

I would love for you to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

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A Seemingly Perfect Life

September 19, 2018September 1, 2018 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

I say it all the time, social media is only the very best snapshots of the life we want to show the world. Don’t wish for someone else’s seemingly perfect life. We all have fears and tears and struggles. Be an encouragement to someone today, you never know what might be happening behind the filter.

I read this post on Facebook by a page I follow called Encouragement from Women Who Have Been There.

I have been encouraged by several of the posts that I have read there. This one in particular from Becki Rogers founder of Not Quite SuperMoms was especially interesting to me.

Biblical Abigail in a Modern-Day Setting

“If you read 1 Samuel 25, you’ll meet a lady who seems like a superwoman.
Humor me while I describe Abigail in a modern setting: she’s got a college education. Her hair is perfectly styled and her roots never show. She’s fit, hitting the home gym every morning without fail. Her Bible is well-worn, and her prayer journal is opened daily. Her home is decorated like the pages of a magazine, and her weekly shopping trips include stops at all the best boutiques. Her personal cook and housekeeper adore her, and her Instagram account has 450k followers. You might know her. Or, you might follow her Instagram account. You might secretly wish you could be her. I can’t blame you. I would want to be her too! But beyond those pristine photo filters, her marriage is a mess. Her husband is a drunken, incorrigible man, and she silently wipes tears as she fixes his messes. She is a peacemaker on his behalf, carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders day after day.

I know, I know. The Bible doesn’t say all that about Abigail, but it DOES say that she was wise, and peacekeeping, and wealthy (at least, her husband was). It also mentions that she was pretty. In today’s world, she could have been everything described above.

However, her home life was miserable, to put it mildly. The Bible describes Nabal, her husband, as a cruel and brutal man in all his dealings. And yet, despite being married to such a man, she didn’t waver in her faithfulness to her loathsome husband.

The story takes an unexpected turn when the future king, David, came along. Her husband was rude to David and his men, and David planned retaliation. Abigail secretly defied her husband and humbly approached David with food and an offer of peace, taking the blame for her husband. Sadly, she’d probably had to do this many times before.

Instagram filters can hide a host of heartache. Don’t assume another mom isn’t struggling just because her social media looks good.

I love how Abigail wisely approaches David —first with food, and then with reason. There’s very little that a good meal can’t pacify! In addition to the food offering, she humbly suggested to David that to avenge himself by killing her husband (as well as their entire household—including Abigail herself) would not be in his best interests. She de-escalated the situation by appealing to his conscience: she reminded him of who he was—the Lord’s soldier, fighting His battles. She gently suggested that he would later regret having this bloodshed on his hands, and she prophesied that all of his enemies would be as cursed as her husband was. Talk about a crisis negotiator! I need some of that wisdom in refereeing my kids’ bickering!

***(Challenge)
The bottom line is, I don’t have a clue what struggles you’re facing based on your social media posts. I can imagine that those pretty filters hide a lot of tears. You don’t know what another mom is facing either. Don’t wish for her life, no matter how good it looks. Instead, we need to pray for each other. Call a friend today and ask if there’s anything you can pray about. It may look like she’s got it all together, but she may be silently begging God for a friend. Be that one. And if you’re the one struggling behind closed doors, reach out. Ask your Father to bring you a trusted confidant who may be able to give you wise, godly counsel.”

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I would love for you to follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

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Antisocial Media

September 3, 2018 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood6 Comments

Recently took a long break from IG. During that time my perspective on a lot of things changed. During that break, I realized there are a lot of things about IG that I didn’t miss at all… There were also a few things that I did miss, like interacting with people about beauty products, so for now, I’m back at it. (If you want you can follow me by clicking HERE, if not that’s totally fine too. 😉)

When I first joined IG it used to be about fun. It used to be regular people sharing regular pictures of things that were happening right then. (Hence the “instant” part of the name Instagram). In the beginning, there were simple filters, but there were no ultra edited photos of picture-perfect situations. When Instagram decided to take the instant out of the equation, everything changed and it changed a lot of people too.

Instagram started to feel like a competition. When life turns into a competition we all lose. We lose the fun of it, we lose confidence in ourselves, we lose time thinking about it, we lose respect for people.

I don’t care to compete with the edited versions of life. I will not judge myself based on another person’s pictures, persona, or IG layout, and you shouldn’t either!

I don’t care about the number of likes or what the insight says. It doesn’t matter to me what is the best time of day to post or the # getting the most views. During my 4 month break, I didn’t miss keeping track of that stuff. I don’t want to be “Instagram famous”! I’m just planning to post pictures of the things I like, the products I love and things I want to share with people. I’m not perfect and my pictures aren’t going to be either.

So, if you want to follow me onInstagram, cool, but if you don’t also cool. Either way, what I post on IG will be a representation of me and all the things I like… mostly makeup, flowers, my dog, and inspirational sayings.

I would love for you to follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

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When Measuring Up Leaves Me Falling Behind

July 17, 2018July 13, 2018 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

I have recently finished reading (for the second time) a book called Why Her? 6 Truths We Need to Hear When Measuring Up Leaves Us Falling Behind by Nicki Koziarz. This book has really opened my eyes and made me think about comparison in a different light. From the lives of two sisters/wives from the Bible, Rachel and Leah, Nicki brings up a lot of great points about the pitfalls of comparison .

Here is a little overview of the contents of the book:

“If success is defined in the eye of the beholder,
who are you letting behold your success?

Nicki Koziarz is confronting the comparison question: Why her?

Through two striving sisters in the Bible, Nicki uncovered six truths’ we need to hear when trying to measure up leaves you falling behind.

These six truths will help you:

· Stop staring at her success and find satisfaction in yours.

· Find contentment with your life without being complacent in who you are becoming.

· Gain godly wisdom to answer the Why Her silent question of your soul.

Someone will always be ahead. But that doesn’t mean you’re behind. Because Truth, like always, will set us free. And free women don’t have to measure up to anybody. Not even her.”

Here is an exerpt from Truth three: You Don’t Always Have to be Okay:

“Yes, it’s okay not to always be okay. But it’s not okay to NEVER be okay. That’s not what God wants for us. He needs us to know he’s a good God who has good things for our lives. In fact, He wants us to be more than just okay. His word is filled with so much power and authority, with so many examples and clear statements of His goodness. It is good to say, “God is good”, but it is better to know God’s goodness.

When we’re in a position of not feeling okay, there’s a time to climb out from under the bed covers. I know it’s where we feel like staying sometimes, but if we want the breakdown to lead to the Breakthrough, we need to get up and actually go through it.”
~Nicki Koziarz

Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;)
Hebrews 10:23

If you are like me, and for that fact most women, you have probably found yourself at one time or another stuck in the trap that comparison sets. I highly recommend you read this book by Nicki Koziarz.

I would love for you to follow me on Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all three.

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The Very Best Snapshots of Life

July 15, 2018July 13, 2018 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

Why is it that we compare our very worst to the very best of the snapshots of life that others post? 🤔 I don’t know about you, but I’ve been guilty of doing it!

Lord, help me today to be grateful for all that I have and not let comparison steal my joy!

I would love for you to follow me on Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all three.

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6 Ways To Ensure Unhappiness

March 23, 2018March 9, 2018 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

We all want to be happy, but yet often we are our own worst enemies! I know that quite often the only reason that I am unhappy is that I choose to be. Here are 6 quick way to ensure that you are unhappy!

1.Have Unrealistic Expectations

Unmet expectations will almost always be the cause of your unhappiness in life.

Unmet expectations are usually what causes anger as well. It is not always easy to admit that the true source of your anger and unhappiness is from not getting what you wanted!

Minimize your expectations, maximize your joy.

2. Have Uncommunicated Expectations

Guess what? No one is a mind reader! Can you believe it?! It is true.

If you want someone in your life to do something, first they need to know what you want from them. Don’t get upset when you expect something from someone that they have no clue about.

Give the people in your life the opportunity to choose whether or not they want to meet your expectations.

3. Don’t Be Honest With Yourself

Sometimes, I have to stop and ask myself “Why am I doing what I am doing?” Sometimes I know exactly why. Sometimes the answer is clear and positive. Sometimes I don’t really know what my motivation is.

Sometimes I have to really take a step back and be honest with myself, “What do I want out of this situation?” I don’t always like the answer that I have to give myself.

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.
Proverbs 11:3

4. Don’t Be Honest With Others

So many ugly situations in life could be avoided if we were to live by the simple truth of “Say what you mean and mean what you say!”

Do you want to host Easter dinner? Nope.

Then when you are asked to host, be honest about it and say “No.” Don’t say you will host and then make it clear to everyone around you that you don’t want to have them at your house.

Better a small serving of vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred.
Proverbs 15:17

Are you upset because someone hurt your feelings? YES!

Tell them the truth about the way you feel, don’t say “Nothing” when asked what is wrong. If it is important enough to you to make you upset, it should be important enough for you to share.

Be respectful of the relationship and give them the chance to correct the situation.

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
1 John 3:18

1 John 3:18 | lookingjoligood.blog — photo credit: Bible app

5. Assign Intent To Others

On a daily basis, we can find a something to get offended about.

What happened?

Your friend didn’t like your IG photo.
Your co-workers went to lunch without you.
Your sisters got together for a playdate with their kids and you weren’t included.
Two people you know were having a serious conversation and didn’t acknowledge you.
Your friends had a girl’s night out and you couldn’t go.

Don’t take things personally! Almost always, people are not against you, they are just for themselves.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13

Colossians 3:13 | lookingjoligood.blog — Photo credit: Bible app

If you want to be unhappy give intent to the unintentional things that other people do!

6. Compare your life to others.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”-Theodore Roosevelt

In this world of social media, it is so hard not to get sucked into comparing ourselves with others. Due to social media, we see so much more of people’s “private” lives.

The problem is that we are usually comparing all of our flaws with the snapshots of an edited filtered picture perfect life. Their reality is that they also have flaws that we do not see.

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, ⁵for each one should carry their own load.
Galatians 6:4-5

Stop it! Be grateful for what you do have!

Follow these simple steps to have a completely unhappy life! 😉

I would love for you to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook. You can find me as Looking Joli Good on all four.

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Kindness is beautiful!

Tag: comparison

It Was Never About “Her” But Always About Me

Is Her Gain Your Loss?

Losing Who You Are Trying To Become Someone You Aren’t

Turning Off the Noise and Getting Quiet

When Measuring Up Leaves Me Falling Behind

The Very Best Snapshots of Life