“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” — Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)

This verse is commonly quoted in high-control religious environments to discourage trust in one’s own feelings, thoughts, or intuition. It’s often used to justify external control or authority, implying that people must not trust themselves and must instead rely entirely on religious leaders or teachings.

For much of my life, I wanted to trust myself. I longed to believe that my instincts, my thoughts, and my judgment were worthy of trust. But growing up in a high-demand religious environment, I was constantly told otherwise. I was taught that my heart was “desperately wicked,” that my desires and feelings were unreliable, and that the only path to righteousness was through unquestioning submission to external authority. I was taught to doubt myself, to suppress my own intuition in favor of what others dictated, and to believe that my worth was defined not by my own choices but by how well I adhered to a prescribed set of rules. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t trust myself; I was made to believe that to do so was wrong.

Slowly, quietly, and often painfully, I began to unlearn that lie. And in its place, a simple but radical truth emerged: I can trust myself.

Learning to trust myself didn’t happen overnight. It came with listening to the gut feelings I chose to honor, boundaries I dared to set, emotions I allowed myself to feel without shame. At first, it felt like betrayal. I had been conditioned to believe that to trust myself was to rebel against God, authority, or tradition. But I began to see that trusting myself was not an act of defiance, it was an act of integrity.

To trust myself is to believe that I am capable of making good decisions, even if they don’t look like what others expect. It’s believing that I know when something isn’t right, even if I can’t explain it in a way that satisfies everyone. It’s allowing myself to change, to grow, to evolve, even when others prefer the version of me that was easier to control.

Trusting myself means recognizing that my intuition is not a liability, it’s a compass. That my needs are not inconveniences, they’re signals. That my story matters, not just the polished version, but the messy, honest, human one.

I no longer outsource my truth to people who think they know me better than I know myself. I am not perfect, and I will make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean I’m untrustworthy. It means I’m human. And the more I’ve learned to listen to my own voice, the more I’ve discovered that it was never trying to lead me astray, it was trying to lead me home.

When a pastor or spiritual leader consistently uses your “heart is deceitful and desperately wicked” as a tool to discourage self-trust, question your instincts, or dismiss your emotions, that’s spiritual manipulation, not biblical teaching in good faith.

If every thought, emotion, or gut feeling is immediately suspect, then there’s no room for spiritual maturity or emotional intelligence to develop. Healthy spiritual leaders encourage you to grow in discernment and critical thinking, not silence your voice in the name of obedience. Even Scripture affirms the need to “test the spirits” (1 John 4:1) and that wisdom is available to those who ask (James 1:5). If a pastor discourages testing his spirit, if questioning him is equated with rebellion, that’s a red flag.

A spiritual leader who uses this verse repeatedly to shut down questions or enforce conformity is saying, “You can’t trust yourself, only me.” That’s not biblical authority, that’s authoritarianism.

Believing that your inner voice is inherently wicked can severely damage your relationship with both yourself and God. You may begin to mistrust your own experiences, dismiss legitimate concerns, and remain in harmful situations because you’ve been taught to confuse control with care. Over time, this mindset erodes your ability to distinguish between the voice of God and the voice of whoever claims to speak on His behalf, leaving you spiritually disoriented and emotionally disconnected.

When we are taught to distrust our own hearts, we are not being protected, we are being controlled. True spiritual growth does not come from silencing ourselves in fear, but from learning to discern wisely and walk in truth. A healthy relationship with God invites self-awareness, honesty, and the courage to listen inwardly with grace, not suspicion. Reclaiming trust in ourselves is not rebellion, it’s restoration. It’s the beginning of a faith that is lived, not imposed.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
— Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)

This verse is frequently quoted in isolation. But when we look at the historical and literary context, we gain a clearer understanding of what it’s actually addressing. A healthier interpretation might say, “You can learn to trust yourself while also practicing discernment.”
If you are interested in learning more about what I have discovered about the historical and literary context you can check out this post from September 2023 by clicking HERE or below

Desperately Wicked!? Or Covered By Grace?

Disclaimer: The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving community, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter. It is essential to respect and recognize the diversity of experiences and perspectives within religious communities. The content shared is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as professional advice, guidance, or a universal representation of the IFB or any religious organization. It is recommended to seek guidance, conduct research, and consider multiple perspectives when making personal decisions or exploring matters of faith.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Just Because It Is Said About You Doesn’t Mean It Is True

May 13, 2025October 12, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

There is a quiet kind of violence in the words people speak about us. Sometimes it’s loud and obvious, labels hurled in anger or judgment. Other times, it’s subtle, passive-aggressive, cloaked in concern or advice, spoken from pulpits, whispered in passing, or passed down like family heirlooms. “You’re rebellious.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re not enough.” or sometimes it is that “You’re too much.” Over time, their words echo in the back of our minds, growing louder than our own thoughts, making it hard to determine what is true. But here’s the truth: just because it’s said about me doesn’t mean it’s true.

For those of us who grew up in high-control environments, whether religious, cultural, or familial, this lesson is hard-won. When your worth has been measured by how well you fit someone else’s mold, it’s easy to believe that their version of you is the only one that counts. It takes time, distance, and often a great deal of pain to realize that the stories others tell about you are not always rooted in truth, they’re rooted in their expectations, their fears, and quite often their need for control.

They may say I’m difficult because I ask questions. That doesn’t make it true.
They may say I’m ungodly because I left their version of faith. That doesn’t make it true.
They may say I’m demanding because I no longer let them manipulate me. That doesn’t make it true.
They may say I’m broken because I no longer perform the role they assigned me. That doesn’t make it true.

We do not owe our identity to those who benefit from our silence or compliance. And we are not required to carry the weight of someone else’s narrative simply because they say it with confidence or authority. Freedom comes when we stop handing people the pen and start writing our own story.

This is not about defiance for the sake of defiance. It’s about discernment, learning to recognize which voices are worth listening to and which ones were never speaking in love to begin with. It’s about drawing a sacred boundary around our worth and saying, “You don’t get to define me just because you’re louder.”

The more I shed the labels others gave me, the more clearly I see who I actually am. I am curious, compassionate, resilient, thoughtful, brave, and yes, still growing. But most importantly, I am who I say I am. I get to decide what is true about me.

Lifestyle

When Passion Replaces Pressure: Finding Peace in Public Health

April 24, 2025October 12, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

For the last several years I have been slowly working on getting my Masters of Science in Nursing, Public Health Nursing. As I approach the finish line, I’m excited to begin the next chapter of my nursing career in public health.

For much of my career as a nurse, I’ve been known as someone who is confident, composed, and capable. On the surface, I appeared to handle challenges with ease, but underneath that exterior, I was often battling high-functioning anxiety. This form of anxiety is particularly deceptive, it hides behind achievements, perfectionism, and tireless effort. I was constantly overanalyzing situations, over preparing far beyond what was necessary, and pushing myself to meet unrealistic internal standards. While this helped me succeed in many ways, it also left me emotionally drained and in a constant state of tension.

I love being a nurse and helping people. I loved taking care of cancer patients and found studying oncology so interesting, but so many other aspects of nursing gave me constant inner turmoil! What changed everything for me was discovering my niche in public health. For the first time, I felt like I belonged! The intense pressure I had felt for so long began to ease, not because the workload decreased, but because my mindset shifted. I was no longer working to prove something or to stave off a fear of failure. Instead, I was driven by curiosity, a desire to learn, and a genuine excitement about making a difference.

Interestingly, I still over-prepare. That part of me hasn’t changed. But what has changed is the reason behind it. My efforts now come from a place of passion rather than pressure. This new headspace is not exhausting, it’s energizing. I no longer feel like I’m in a race against my own doubts. Instead, I feel grounded, motivated, and grateful to be doing work that matters to me.

Looking back, I realize how easy it is to mistake high-functioning anxiety for ambition. But true fulfillment doesn’t come from constant striving, it comes from finding your place and embracing it with your whole heart. Public health has given me that, and I’ve never felt more at peace with my career or with myself.

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism

Never Enough…

April 6, 2025April 6, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood5 Comments

For as long as I can remember, the message was clear, be more, do more, give more. And yet, no matter how much I did, it was never quite right, never enough. This phrase “never enough” echoed quietly beneath the surface of my life, a constant hum in the background of my thoughts, my choices, my identity. It took years before I realized that I had internalized a system that thrived on my inadequacy.

Growing up in an environment that prized perfection cloaked in piety, I learned early that love and acceptance were conditional. In church, the sermons urged us to be holy, to be separate, to be pure. Any failure to meet these expectations was met with disappointment or worse, silence. I didn’t question it. It was just the way things were. I just kept trying to be better, to be good enough.

I tried to be the best, the best Christian, the best example. I led Bible studies, dressed modestly, try to avoid anything deemed “worldly,” and offered apologies before anyone had a chance to be upset. Whenever I engaged in “worldly” activities like watching movies or listening to secular music, I was overwhelmed with guilt, not just because I was letting down my parents or church leaders, but because I believed I was disappointing Jesus Himself. No matter how holy I tried to be the target always moved. If I met one expectation, another would arise. It was as though the rules were designed for the goal to be just out of reach. If I were thinner, quieter, more agreeable, more submissive, then maybe I would be enough. But I never was.

The heartbreaking thing about being stuck in this cycle is that it doesn’t ask you to improve for your own growth or joy, it asks you to shrink. The more I conformed, the less of myself I became. I began to doubt my own instincts. I didn’t voice my opinions and when I did I saw the disapproving looks on the faces of those around me. I knew what I liked and wanted, only to feel I should avoid or suppress them. I lived in fear of disappointing people whose approval I was taught to need in order to be loved, not just loved by them, but loved and accepted by God.

It took years of unlearning to realize that “never enough” wasn’t the truth. It was a tool, one used to control, to manipulate, to keep people (especially women) small and dependent. It kept me chasing validation from systems and people who had no intention of ever giving it. Because if I ever did feel like I was enough, I might stop complying. I might stop serving. I might stop performing. I might realize that I didn’t need them.

Healing means reclaiming the parts of myself I was told to cut away. It means understanding that my worth isn’t rooted in how well I follow someone else’s script. It means saying no without guilt and resting without shame. Most importantly, it means rejecting the lie that I am only as valuable as my church attendance and performance.

“Never enough” was never the truth. I am enough, not because of what I do or how I appear, but because I exist. And that is finally enough for me.

Grace costs nothing and requires nothing of me!

Lifestyle · Love and Life

Mr. Big Might Want to Be with You, But I Sure Don’t

March 30, 2025October 12, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

Music has an uncanny ability to transport us back in time, reviving memories both joyful and painful with just a few familiar notes. I hadn’t heard To Be with You by Mr. Big in years, but the moment it played, I was instantly transported back to an experience from my childhood that left a lasting impression. Although I genuinely enjoy the song, it is forever tied to that memory.

I was around eleven years old when my neighbor had a birthday party at a skating rink. She was closer to my older sister than to me, she wasn’t able to go to the party for some reason or another, and I wasn’t particularly eager to go alone. However, as was often the case back then, my sister guilted me into attending in her place. I reluctantly went, already anticipating an uncomfortable time. As I expected, I knew hardly anyone there, and while I was only mildly friendly with the birthday girl, I was certainly not part of her close circle of friends.

The party proceeded as these events typically did, everyone laced up their skates and took to the rink. Loud music played over the speakers and everyone seemed to be having a great time. The birthday girl was surrounded by her friends, laughing and enjoying herself, while I glided around unnoticed, feeling out of place. Still to this day I remember the lump forming in my throat, the kind that signals an impending cry, but I willed myself to hold it together. No one was overtly mean to me (…yet), but the absence of any acknowledgment made me feel invisible, which in some ways was just as painful. Over the speaker Mr Big sang “Why be alone when we can be together, baby?” But in that moment, surrounded by people yet feeling completely isolated, the lyrics felt more like cruel irony.

Then came the moment that cemented this memory in my mind… We had gathered around to sing Happy Birthday and enjoy cake and ice cream. As I moved my arm, I accidentally knocked the plate of the birthday girl’s grandmother, causing her piece of cake to drop onto the floor. What followed was a shocking outburst. I can still picture it clearly in my mind as if it happened yesterday, the woman screamed at me as if I had committed an unforgivable offense. Her reaction was wildly disproportionate to the situation, berating me in front of everyone over a simple accident. While I don’t recall whether I ended up crying, I do remember the overwhelming embarrassment and shame that washed over me.

I don’t know if as a child I knew that her reaction was more about her own issues than about me or the fallen dessert? There was no excuse for speaking to a child that way, especially in a public setting over something so trivial. It wasn’t the first time I had witnessed an overreaction from this woman, she often spoke to her grandchildren that way, but it was the first time I had been the target of her misplaced anger. As far as I can remember it was the first time I had ever been the target of anyone’s misplaced anger, which is probably why it sticks out so starkly in my memory.

Mr Big To Be With You | lookingjoligood.blog

Decades later, when To Be with You played, I was instantly transported back to that moment, the skating rink, the loneliness, the humiliation. And yet, surprisingly, I really like the song. It’s strange how emotions and memories become intertwined with music, shaping our connection to it in ways we don’t always understand. Though the memory itself is painful, I may have felt small and invisible that day, but I emerged a stronger person. I personally would never speak to anyone that way, especially not a child. I have also learned that other people’s misplaced anger and overreactions are reflections of them, not of me.

It is so interesting how music has a way of stitching together moments of the past with the present. For people to truly want “To Be With You,” kindness and warmth matter far more than simply being present. Situations like what happened that day have taught me that making others feel included and valued is what truly brings people together.

Lifestyle

The Dark Side of Human Nature: Unveiling the Leaden Rule – Treating Others as We Fear Being Treated

January 23, 2025January 11, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood3 Comments

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule is often one of the first things we are taught as children. Unfortunately, many people tend to instead live by the Leaden Rule, which is quite the opposite of that rule: “Do unto others what you most fear having done unto you.” It’s an interesting concept, and it’s something we might do unconsciously, especially when we’re feeling insecure or threatened. The Leaden Rule can be a bit of a double-edged sword. It can lead to conflict, breed resentment, and leave us feeling isolated. What’s worse, it can keep us from forming those deep, meaningful connections we all need and want.

Several years ago, I discovered the Enneagram through my younger sister. It was an intriguing introduction to a personality framework that offers deep insights into the human psyche. The Enneagram goes beyond categorizing personalities; it provides a tool for introspection, self-growth, and development. Over time, I’ve found it invaluable in understanding my own motivations and behaviors, and in cultivating a journey of intentional growth and self-awareness. By examining the deeper patterns that drive my actions, I’ve been able to develop greater emotional intelligence and make more conscious choices about how I interact with myself and others.

enneagram example | lookingjoligood.blog — I’m not necessarily a big Pooh person, but this is a great example of the different enneagram personality types. Pooh is a 9, Rabbit is a 1, and so on…

The Leaden Rule is an interesting concept I encountered while exploring the Enneagram, introduced by Don Riso and Russ Hudson in The Wisdom of the Enneagram. This rule—“Do unto others what you most fear having done unto you”—exposes a darker side of human nature. When fear takes hold, it can lead to a cascade of negative thoughts and assumptions about others. For instance, if we fear rejection, we may assume that nobody genuinely likes us. If we fear betrayal, we might become suspicious of the people we care about most. This tendency to think the worst of people stems from a self-protective mechanism—we’re trying to shield ourselves from potential harm or disappointment. The Leaden Rule starkly contrasts with the Golden Rule, urging us to treat others as we want to be treated. It highlights how, driven by fears and insecurities, individuals may act out against others in ways they themselves dread, creating toxic interactions and reinforcing a cycle of negativity [2].

The roots of the Leaden Rule often lie in childhood experiences and attachment styles, where core fears and desires are formed. Each Enneagram type manifests this rule differently, reflecting their unique struggles. For example, a person driven by a fear of rejection might preemptively push others away, while someone who fears vulnerability may dominate conversations to avoid feeling exposed. Such behaviors can lead to damaged relationships and hinder personal well-being, perpetuating a self-fulfilling prophecy [2].

Recognizing and overcoming these tendencies requires self-awareness and empathy. Instead of implementing the Leaden or Golden Rule, another option is the Platinum Rule—treating others as they want to be treated—offers an alternative path. By understanding and addressing core fears, individuals can develop healthier interactions and relationships. This shift not only reduces harmful behaviors but also encourages personal growth, aligning actions with values of compassion and understanding.

My own journey of growth has been shaped by insights like these. In stepping away from the constraining Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) mindset, I began to embrace a broader perspective on life and relationships. I’ve learned to focus on what I can control—my reactions—even when my inner self feels “spicy.” It’s a continual practice of introspection and intentionality, guided by principles like those found in the Enneagram.

The relevance of the Leaden Rule extends beyond personal interactions, influencing societal dynamics as well. For instance, the fears surrounding political leadership, such as the return of Donald Trump to the presidency, can trigger Leaden Rule behaviors on a collective level. Polarization, erosion of democratic norms, misinformation, and social division are examples of how these fears might manifest[5][6]. Although some members of MAGA might seem intimidating, it’s important to recognize that they, like many others, may be operating under the Leaden Rule due to past hurts and fears. Their actions, while potentially concerning, often stem from a place of vulnerability and a desire for protection rather than malice[2]. Addressing such tendencies requires empathy, dialogue, and a commitment to democratic principles, creating unity even amidst uncertainty. By understanding the underlying fears and insecurities driving these behaviors, we can work towards bridging divides and promoting mutual understanding in our society[1, 2,7].

My exploration of the Enneagram and its teachings has not only enriched my understanding of human behavior but has also been a catalyst for self-improvement. Concepts like the Leaden Rule challenge me to confront my fears and break cycles of negative behavior, striving instead to act with empathy and authenticity. This journey of growth has been transformative, empowering me to navigate life with greater clarity and resilience.

I think the key is to be aware of the Leaden Rule and not let it take over. When I am feeling vulnerable, I’ve been trying to take a moment to ask myself if I’m projecting my own fears onto others. Instead, I’ve been trying to put the Golden Rule into action and treat others the way I’d like to be treated – with respect, kindness, empathy, and genuine understanding. By approaching each interaction as an opportunity to demonstrate compassion, I’ve found that people respond more positively, relationships become more meaningful, and I feel a deeper sense of personal integrity and connection. It’s nice to expect the best intentions from people instead of constantly being on guard and suspecting the worst. This shift in mindset has made my daily interactions much more pleasant and less stressful.

If you are interested in learning more about the enneagram and finding out what your enneagram type is, you can check out this free test by clicking HERE or visiting https://www.truity.com/

Disclaimer: The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

Reference:
Riso, D. R., & Hudson, R. (1999). The wisdom of the enneagram: The complete guide to psychological and spiritual growth for the nine personality types. New York, NY: Bantam

Citations:
[1] https://www.123helpme.com/essay/Philosophy-Are-Humans-Born-to-be-Good-282810
[2] https://www.kirtanleader.com/blog/enneagram-which-way
[3] https://www.gutenberg.org/files/10739/10739-h/10739-h.htm [
4] https://www.aliciakennedy.news/p/the-many-voices-of-one-writer
[5] https://carnegieendowment.org/research/2022/01/what-happens-when-democracies-become-perniciously-polarized
[6] https://www.icip.cat/perlapau/en/article/polarization-harms-democracy-and-society/
[7] https://www.facinghistory.org/resource-library/political-polarization-united-states

Lifestyle

Why Do People Vote Against Their Best Interest?

January 20, 2025January 9, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood4 Comments

I won’t hide the fact that I am struggling to come to terms with the results of the 2024 election, which did not go the way I expected. However, I am a firm believer in voting, democracy, and free and fair elections. Because of that belief, I must accept the outcome. But accepting it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Since November 5th, one question has been on my mind repeatedly:

Historically Why Do People Vote Against Their Best Interests?

While I don’t claim to have all the answers or fully understand it myself, here is what I’ve concluded about why people vote the way they do. But first a disclaimer…

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are my own. Since I live in a free country with the right to free speech, I am entitled to share my perspective, just as those who disagree with me or vote differently are entitled to theirs. What I consider to be my own best interest may be entirely different from what someone else considers to be theirs. Political beliefs and priorities are deeply personal and shaped by a variety of factors, and this diversity of thought is a cornerstone of democracy.

Throughout history, individuals and groups have often cast votes that appear to conflict with their own economic, social, or personal well-being. While it might seem counterintuitive, voting against perceived best interests is a complex phenomenon influenced by a range of factors, including misinformation, economic anxiety, cultural values, and identity politics. Understanding these factors provides insight into the motivations and behaviors that drive electoral outcomes.

Misinformation and Disinformation

One significant reason people vote against their interests is exposure to misinformation or disinformation. In an era where information is readily accessible, false or misleading narratives can spread quickly through social media, partisan news outlets, and word of mouth. When voters make decisions based on inaccurate information about candidates, policies, or their potential impacts, their choices may inadvertently harm their own interests. For example, during elections, certain campaigns might exaggerate the benefits of policies or obscure their potential drawbacks, leading to uninformed decision-making.

Economic Anxiety

Economic instability and uncertainty often make voters more susceptible to rhetoric that appeals to their immediate fears rather than long-term interests. Populist and nationalist candidates, for instance, may promise quick fixes to economic woes, such as job creation through protectionist policies, even if these measures ultimately harm broader economic stability. This phenomenon is especially pronounced during periods of recession or financial crisis, where the allure of immediate relief overshadows more sustainable but less emotionally resonant solutions.

Social and Cultural Priorities

For many voters, social and cultural issues take precedence over economic considerations. Questions of morality, identity, and cultural preservation can shape voting behavior more powerfully than financial concerns. For instance, voters may prioritize policies on issues such as abortion, gun rights, or immigration, even if those policies have no direct economic benefit or potentially disadvantage them. This prioritization highlights how values and identity play a critical role in electoral decision-making.

Party Loyalty

Strong allegiance to a political party can also lead individuals to vote in ways that diverge from their own interests. Partisan loyalty often acts as a heuristic, simplifying the decision-making process by aligning voters with candidates from their preferred party, regardless of the candidates’ specific platforms. This phenomenon can be observed when voters consistently support their party’s candidates even when those candidates’ policies contradict their personal or economic interests. Such behavior underscores the emotional and psychological bonds voters form with their political affiliations.

Lack of Information or Engagement

Political disengagement and a lack of information also contribute to voters’ choices. Some individuals may not fully understand the implications of policies or how government decisions affect their lives. Others may feel alienated from the political process or believe that their vote does not matter, leading them to make choices based on limited knowledge or to abstain from voting entirely. This disengagement can result in electoral outcomes that fail to reflect the true interests of the electorate. Your vote does matter!!!

Moral Values and Racial Identity

As political scientist Thomas Frank argues, wealthier voters often treat moral values as “luxury goods,” emphasizing social issues over material concerns. This polarization has influenced political discourse, shifting focus from economic inequality to cultural battles. For lower-income voters, this dynamic can create a difficult choice: support policies aligned with their moral beliefs or prioritize their economic well-being. Similarly, racial and cultural identities often play a pivotal role in shaping voting behavior. For instance, working-class voters may support policies that reinforce cultural narratives or racial hierarchies, even when those policies undermine their economic interests.

The Influence of Religious and Market Fundamentalism

In the United States, fundamentalist beliefs in religion and the free market shape voting patterns in unique ways. Many voters support candidates who advocate for deregulation and limited government intervention, driven by a belief in individualism and market efficiency. This ideological commitment often overrides practical considerations, such as access to healthcare or social safety nets, that might otherwise align with their economic interests.

Conclusion

The decision to vote against one’s best interests is often influenced by a combination of misinformation, emotional appeals, identity politics, and ideological commitments. Recognizing these factors is important for understanding voter behavior and creating a more informed electorate. Addressing the root causes, such as improving access to accurate information and encouraging civic engagement, can empower voters to make decisions that align more closely with their long-term interests and societal well-being.

I have a feeling there have been times when I’ve voted against my own best interests, whether out of misunderstanding or lack of information. However, I firmly believe that when we know better, we have a responsibility to do better. With that in mind, I’ve been making a conscious effort to educate myself, not only to become a more informed voter but also to be a more engaged and thoughtful citizen.

Here’s to four years of doing our best to stay safe, sane, and supportive of one another. Whether or not we agree politically, we’re all in this together, and we share a common hope for a brighter future.

God bless the USA.

Resources:

[1] https://inthesetimes.com/article/the-elite-vote-against-their-interests-too-democrats-republicans

[2]https://doi.org/10.1525/california/9780520293298.003.0007

[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-D2HXpYUcs

[4] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjNWRi-HjlQ

[5] https://mediahub.unl.edu/media/8546

[6] https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/12/31/trump-white-working-class-history-216200

[7] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201712/why-do-people-vote-against-their-best-interests

Ditch The Diet for Healthy Habits · Flab to FAB · Health/ Fitness · Lifestyle

When Thinner Isn’t Enough: Redefining Health and Happiness

January 16, 2025January 14, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGoodLeave a comment

For many of us, the pursuit of thinness is ingrained as the ultimate goal—a marker of self-worth, discipline, and even happiness. Yet, for those who have reached their “ideal” weight and still found themselves unfulfilled, it becomes clear that thinness is not the answer. Losing one more pound or one more inch or being one dress size smaller is not going to make a difference. True health and happiness require redefining our relationship with our bodies, shifting our focus from appearances to holistic well-being. Here’s how to move beyond the constraints of trying to be thinner and embrace a more fulfilling life.

1. Redefine Your Idea of Health

Shift your focus from weight to overall well-being. Health is about more than the number on a scale; it encompasses physical, mental, and emotional wellness. Set goals that prioritize strength, energy, and vitality rather than aesthetics. For instance, aim to improve your endurance, reduce stress, or get better sleep rather than striving to fit into a smaller clothing size.

2. Reconnect with Your Body

Many of us lose touch with our bodies when we’re overly focused on weight loss. When I was focused only on my body’s aesthetics I would push through pain and soreness, ignoring my body’s cry for a break or a snack. Take time to listen to what your body needs. Practice intuitive eating by paying attention to hunger and fullness cues, and allow yourself to enjoy food without guilt. Explore activities that bring you joy, such as dancing, hiking, spending time outdoors, or yoga, rather than forcing yourself into workouts you don’t enjoy.

3. Address the Emotional Roots

For many, the desire to lose weight and be thin is rooted in deeper emotional challenges, such as low self-esteem, perfectionism, comparison, competition, or a fear of rejection. Consider seeking therapy or counseling to unpack these feelings and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Journaling, mindfulness, and meditation can also help you process emotions and build self-awareness. Personally, journaling has made a huge impact in helping me uncover the root cause of why I felt I needed to over-exercise and under-eat. Through reflection, I realized that these behaviors were driven by a desire for control and a belief that my worth was tied to my appearance, rather than my well-being. Writing allowed me to explore these feelings and gradually shift my mindset toward a healthier, more compassionate approach to my body.

4. Build a Supportive Environment

Surround yourself with people who support your journey to redefine health and happiness. Share your goals with trusted friends or family members who encourage self-acceptance and balance. Limit interactions with individuals or communities that promote diet culture or body shaming. If certain people or social media accounts leave you feeling bad about yourself, consider distancing yourself from them or unfollowing them.

5. Celebrate Non-Physical Achievements

Reframe your definition of success to include accomplishments that have nothing to do with your appearance. This could mean developing a new skill, achieving a professional milestone, or strengthening relationships. Celebrate the qualities that make you unique, such as your kindness, creativity, or resilience. Although losing my job and the ability to exercise due to an injury initially triggered an identity crisis, deciding to go back to school to get my Masters allowed me to redefine success by focusing on accomplishments unrelated to my appearance.

6. Embrace Imperfection

Understand that the journey to redefining health and happiness is not linear. There will be days when self-doubt creeps in or when old habits resurface. Approach these moments with compassion rather than judgment. Remind yourself that progress is about learning and growth, not perfection. Even at my lowest weight and fittest state, I still wasn’t satisfied with how my body looked. There was always something to improve, a flaw to fix, or an imperfection to tweak—it was never enough.

7. Seek Joy in Everyday Life

Remember that happiness is found in the small, meaningful moments of life. It’s in savoring a meal with loved ones, laughing until your cheeks hurt, or feeling the sun on your skin during a walk. By focusing on these experiences rather than an arbitrary number, you’ll discover a more profound sense of fulfillment. It wasn’t until I began embracing and savoring these small, meaningful moments that I realized how much my pursuit of bodily perfection had been shaping my perspective.

8. Challenge Societal Narratives

Lastly question the societal standards that equate thinness with success and beauty. Reflect on where these beliefs came from—media, family, or cultural norms—and consider how they’ve influenced your self-perception. Educate yourself on how to care for your body in a healthy way—by eating for nourishment, not for aesthetics or control. Learn to enjoy a balanced diet, allowing yourself the occasional treat. Focus on strength without pushing yourself too hard, and give yourself grace when you need rest. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight or striving for a certain body type, remember that health comes in many shapes and sizes.

Changing your mindset is not easy. Letting go of the identity you’ve built around being thin or fit can be deeply challenging. Changing your mindset is not easy. Letting go of the identity you’ve built around being thin or fit can be deeply challenging. When I began gaining weight and losing my fit physique, I experienced an identity crisis. I questioned my value and struggled to redefine who I was beyond appearances. The praise and compliments from others had always been a nice confirmation of a job well done, but as my physique changed, most people didn’t even notice. My biggest critic was always me. However, through time and self-compassion, I realized that my worth was never tied to my body shape. While the process was difficult, it ultimately led me to a deeper, more authentic understanding of myself and my happiness.

Redefining health and happiness means letting go of the relentless pursuit of thinness and embracing a life that prioritizes balance, joy, and authenticity. The pursuit of being thin and fit or having an interested in being healthy is by no means wrong, but it should not come at the expense of a well-rounded life. By challenging societal norms, reconnecting with your body, and addressing emotional well-being, you can move beyond the constraints of trying to be thinner and step into a more empowered, fulfilling existence. Remember, your worth is not determined by your weight but by the richness of the life you create.

You can read more about The Weight of Happiness by clicking HERE.

**I’ve included some resources and references below.**

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on eating disorders or disordered eating. The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.

**Resources:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/in-depth/eating-disorder-treatment/art-20046234

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders

https://www.theprojectheal.org/

https://anad.org/

Flab to FAB · Health/ Fitness · Lifestyle

The Weight of Happiness: Why Being Thinner Isn’t the Answer

January 14, 2025January 9, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood4 Comments

Dressed up as Wonder Woman for a past church event called “Super Saturday”

In our image-obsessed culture, weight loss is often touted as the ultimate solution to unhappiness. Countless ads, social media influencers, and even well-meaning friends perpetuate the idea that shedding pounds will magically bring fulfillment. But for many, the pursuit of weight loss becomes a treadmill of physical and emotional exhaustion, leaving them further from true happiness than they began. My own journey is a testament to this reality: at my thinnest and fittest, I may have looked my best, but my mental and emotional health were in shambles. Only when I let go of the relentless pursuit of thinness did I find genuine contentment.

Years ago, I dedicated myself fully to becoming the “ideal” version of myself. I exercised rigorously, adhered to strict dietary guidelines, and prided myself on my discipline. Outwardly, the results were impressive. Friends and acquaintances showered me with compliments, admiring my fit physique and apparent self-control. It felt so good to be given so much praise, but beneath the surface, I was unraveling.

The mental toll of maintaining that lifestyle was immense. My thoughts were consumed by calories, macros, and workout schedules. I felt immense pressure to maintain my appearance, fearing that any deviation from my routine would erase all my progress. What’s more, I ignored the warning signs of burnout, convincing myself that my worth was tied to how I looked. Even though I appeared healthy, I was silently battling anxiety, self-doubt, and an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I felt the need to compare and compete with those around me.

This precarious balance came crashing down when I suffered an injury that significantly altered my ability to exercise. Suddenly, my meticulously crafted routine was impossible to maintain. Around the same time, I experienced a series of personal losses that shook me to my core. The weight of grief and the inability to channel my emotions into physical activity forced me to confront the truth I had been avoiding: I was deeply unhappy, and no amount of weight loss or fitness could fill the void inside me.

Initially, I struggled to adjust. Watching my body change felt like losing a part of my identity. But as I began to let go of the unrealistic expectations I had placed on myself, something remarkable happened. I discovered a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt in years. By allowing myself to relax and embrace a more balanced lifestyle, I found the space to heal emotionally and mentally.

Gaining weight, something I had once greatly feared so deeply, became a symbol of reclaiming my life. It meant enjoying meals with loved ones without guilt, spending time on hobbies that brought me joy, and prioritizing rest when my body needed it. I began to reconnect with who I truly was, apart from societal expectations or the number on a scale. For the first time in years, I felt whole. I felt happy. I felt content. I felt satisfied.

group of people making toast | lookingjoligood.blog

This journey taught me that the pursuit of thinness often comes at the expense of genuine happiness. While physical health and fitness is important, it should never overshadow mental and emotional well-being. True fulfillment comes from accepting ourselves as we are, imperfections and all, and building a life that aligns with our values rather than external standards.

Today, I am my truest, happiest self. My body may not fit my previous definition of perfection, but it is a vessel for a life filled with purpose, love, and joy. And that, I’ve learned, is far more valuable than any number on a scale. If you’ve been chasing weight loss as the solution to unhappiness, I encourage you to pause and reflect. Ask yourself what you truly need to feel whole. The answer, as I discovered, might not lie in losing weight but in finding yourself.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating, it’s important to reach out for support. Seeking assistance from friends, family, or mental health professionals can make a significant difference in navigating these challenges. Remember that you don’t have to face it alone, and there are resources available to help you on the path to recovery. Prioritize your well-being and take the first step toward seeking the support you need.

**I’ve included some resources and references below.**

**Resources:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/in-depth/eating-disorder-treatment/art-20046234

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/

https://anad.org/

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders

https://www.theprojectheal.org/

Finding Faith Following Fundamentalism · Health/ Fitness

A Quiet Hunger

January 12, 2025October 12, 2025 LauraJoli LookingJoliGood2 Comments

The Connection Between High Control Religion and Women’s Disordered Eating

The new year often brings a surge of pressure to start dieting, driven by societal expectations and resolutions promising transformation. This focus on weight loss as a marker of success can overshadow the importance of mental and physical well-being, turning food into a source of stress rather than nourishment. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthier and lose weight, dieting often stems from external pressures rather than personal health goals, leading to unsustainable habits and frustration. I have experienced this struggle in my own life.

The Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church wasn’t just a place where I worshipped, it shaped how I saw the world, how I understood my role in it, and most critically, how I viewed myself. For years, I didn’t realize how much the environment I grew up in influenced my relationship with food, exercise, my body, and my self-worth. It’s only after stepping away that I’ve begun to connect the dots between the rigid expectations of the IFB and the subtle, yet pervasive, way they contributed to the disordered eating in my life and the lives of other women like me.

At first glance, it might not seem obvious how a religious community could fuel something like disordered eating. After all, the IFB didn’t preach diet plans from the pulpit or hand out weight-loss flyers during Sunday school. But what they did preach, and what they didn’t say, set the stage for a culture where women’s bodies were constantly under scrutiny, both explicitly and implicitly (1 Timothy 2:9-15 and 1 Peter 3:3-4). Messages about modesty, self-denial, and submission created an atmosphere where controlling one’s body became an act of spiritual devotion and self-worth often felt tied to outward appearance (Romans 12:1-2 and 2 Corinthians 10:5).

Modesty was a cornerstone of my upbringing. Women were taught to cover their bodies to avoid being a “stumbling block” for men (Luke 17:1-2, Romans 14:13, Ezekiel 14:3-7). Hemlines and necklines were policed with precision, and the unspoken message was clear: Your body is dangerous. It’s something to be hidden, controlled, and subdued. This idea planted the seeds of shame in many of us. We learned to view our bodies as a problem, something to fix or diminish, rather than something to embrace or celebrate.

Then came the relentless emphasis on self-denial (Matthew 16:24-26,Luke 9:23-24, Romans 12:1-2). The IFB held up sacrifice as the ultimate virtue, particularly for women. We were told to put others before ourselves, to be servants in our homes, and to carry our crosses daily (Philippians 2:3-4, Ephesians 6:4-9, Matthew 16:24-26, Galatians 5:13). Food and body control naturally became an outlet for this teaching. Skipping meals or dieting wasn’t just a matter of fitting into societal beauty standards, it became a subconscious way to live out the church’s doctrine of self-sacrifice. For many women, this manifested in extreme calorie restriction, bingeing and purging, fad diets, or obsessively exercising, all framed in their minds as acts of discipline and devotion. Prayer and fasting were often regarded as a pious and spiritual method of seeking divine intervention or demonstrating devotion, but they could also serve as a socially acceptable excuse for disordered eating.

In this environment, thinness often became an unspoken measure of holiness. While no one said it outright, there was an underlying belief that a thin, modestly dressed woman embodied discipline, self-control, and godliness. On the other hand, a woman who was overweight, or even just content in her body, was often viewed as lazy or lacking spiritual discipline. I remember how women who gained weight after having children would apologize for their appearance, as though they had failed not only themselves but God as well. This association between body size and spiritual worth created an impossible standard that many of us felt compelled to meet.

The IFB, like many high control religions, also had little room for emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration. Women were expected to be joyful, submissive, and quietly supportive at all times (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:3-5). For some, food became the only place to process or numb those suppressed feelings. Emotional eating or food restriction often filled the void where emotional honesty should have been. In a church culture that prized silence over confrontation, controlling food became a way to deal with emotions that had no other outlet (Proverbs 10:19, Proverbs 17:27, James 1:19, Colossians 4:6).

Stepping away from the high control of the IFB has given me a new perspective on these patterns. It’s clear now that the disordered relationship I developed with food and my body wasn’t just about societal pressures or personal insecurities, it was deeply tied to the messages I absorbed in church. It took years to untangle the connection, and even now, I find myself unraveling layers of guilt and shame that I didn’t even know I was carrying.

What’s heartbreaking is how common this story is. In speaking with other women who left the IFB, and other high control religions, I’ve heard countless variations of the same struggle. We were taught to shrink ourselves, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and that shrinking became second nature. Some have fought to reclaim their bodies and their worth, while others are still wrestling with the aftershocks of those teachings.

Reclaiming a healthy relationship with food and my body has been a slow and ongoing journey. It’s meant learning to listen to my body instead of punishing it. It’s meant dismantling the belief that my worth is tied to my appearance or my ability to control my physical self. And perhaps most importantly, it’s meant giving myself permission to take up space, in my body, in my emotions, and in my life.

The IFB’s teachings about women’s roles, modesty, and self-denial were never meant to cause harm, but the ripple effects have been profound (1 Timothy 2:9-15, 1 Peter 3:1-6, Ephesians 5:22-24, Colossians 3:18-24). For many women, they’ve resulted in a quiet hunger, not just for food, but for freedom, self-acceptance, and a life free from the constant pressure to shrink. By shedding those harmful beliefs, I’ve found a new kind of fullness, one that no diet or doctrine can ever take away.

**I’ve included some resources and references below.**

**Resources:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/in-depth/eating-disorder-treatment/art-20046234

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/

https://anad.org/

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders

https://www.theprojectheal.org/

Looking Joli Good

Kindness is beautiful!

Tag: mental health

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