There is a quiet kind of violence in the words people speak about us. Sometimes it’s loud and obvious, labels hurled in anger or judgment. Other times, it’s subtle, passive-aggressive, cloaked in concern or advice, spoken from pulpits, whispered in passing, or passed down like family heirlooms. “You’re rebellious.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re not enough.” or sometimes it is that “You’re too much.” Over time, their words echo in the back of our minds, growing louder than our own thoughts, making it hard to determine what is true. But here’s the truth: just because it’s said about me doesn’t mean it’s true.
For those of us who grew up in high-control environments, whether religious, cultural, or familial, this lesson is hard-won. When your worth has been measured by how well you fit someone else’s mold, it’s easy to believe that their version of you is the only one that counts. It takes time, distance, and often a great deal of pain to realize that the stories others tell about you are not always rooted in truth, they’re rooted in their expectations, their fears, and quite often their need for control.
They may say I’m difficult because I ask questions. That doesn’t make it true. They may say I’m ungodly because I left their version of faith. That doesn’t make it true. They may say I’m demanding because I no longer let them manipulate me. That doesn’t make it true. They may say I’m broken because I no longer perform the role they assigned me. That doesn’t make it true.
We do not owe our identity to those who benefit from our silence or compliance. And we are not required to carry the weight of someone else’s narrative simply because they say it with confidence or authority. Freedom comes when we stop handing people the pen and start writing our own story.
This is not about defiance for the sake of defiance. It’s about discernment, learning to recognize which voices are worth listening to and which ones were never speaking in love to begin with. It’s about drawing a sacred boundary around our worth and saying, “You don’t get to define me just because you’re louder.”
The more I shed the labels others gave me, the more clearly I see who I actually am. I am curious, compassionate, resilient, thoughtful, brave, and yes, still growing. But most importantly, I am who I say I am. I get to decide what is true about me.
For many of us, the pursuit of thinness is ingrained as the ultimate goal—a marker of self-worth, discipline, and even happiness. Yet, for those who have reached their “ideal” weight and still found themselves unfulfilled, it becomes clear that thinness is not the answer. Losing one more pound or one more inch or being one dress size smaller is not going to make a difference. True health and happiness require redefining our relationship with our bodies, shifting our focus from appearances to holistic well-being. Here’s how to move beyond the constraints of trying to be thinner and embrace a more fulfilling life.
1. Redefine Your Idea of Health
Shift your focus from weight to overall well-being. Health is about more than the number on a scale; it encompasses physical, mental, and emotional wellness. Set goals that prioritize strength, energy, and vitality rather than aesthetics. For instance, aim to improve your endurance, reduce stress, or get better sleep rather than striving to fit into a smaller clothing size.
2. Reconnect with Your Body
Many of us lose touch with our bodies when we’re overly focused on weight loss. When I was focused only on my body’s aesthetics I would push through pain and soreness, ignoring my body’s cry for a break or a snack. Take time to listen to what your body needs. Practice intuitive eating by paying attention to hunger and fullness cues, and allow yourself to enjoy food without guilt. Explore activities that bring you joy, such as dancing, hiking, spending time outdoors, or yoga, rather than forcing yourself into workouts you don’t enjoy.
3. Address the Emotional Roots
For many, the desire to lose weight and be thin is rooted in deeper emotional challenges, such as low self-esteem, perfectionism, comparison, competition, or a fear of rejection. Consider seeking therapy or counseling to unpack these feelings and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Journaling, mindfulness, and meditation can also help you process emotions and build self-awareness. Personally, journaling has made a huge impact in helping me uncover the root cause of why I felt I needed to over-exercise and under-eat. Through reflection, I realized that these behaviors were driven by a desire for control and a belief that my worth was tied to my appearance, rather than my well-being. Writing allowed me to explore these feelings and gradually shift my mindset toward a healthier, more compassionate approach to my body.
4. Build a Supportive Environment
Surround yourself with people who support your journey to redefine health and happiness. Share your goals with trusted friends or family members who encourage self-acceptance and balance. Limit interactions with individuals or communities that promote diet culture or body shaming. If certain people or social media accounts leave you feeling bad about yourself, consider distancing yourself from them or unfollowing them.
5. Celebrate Non-Physical Achievements
Reframe your definition of success to include accomplishments that have nothing to do with your appearance. This could mean developing a new skill, achieving a professional milestone, or strengthening relationships. Celebrate the qualities that make you unique, such as your kindness, creativity, or resilience. Although losing my job and the ability to exercise due to an injury initially triggered an identity crisis, deciding to go back to school to get my Masters allowed me to redefine success by focusing on accomplishments unrelated to my appearance.
6. Embrace Imperfection
Understand that the journey to redefining health and happiness is not linear. There will be days when self-doubt creeps in or when old habits resurface. Approach these moments with compassion rather than judgment. Remind yourself that progress is about learning and growth, not perfection. Even at my lowest weight and fittest state, I still wasn’t satisfied with how my body looked. There was always something to improve, a flaw to fix, or an imperfection to tweak—it was never enough.
7. Seek Joy in Everyday Life
Remember that happiness is found in the small, meaningful moments of life. It’s in savoring a meal with loved ones, laughing until your cheeks hurt, or feeling the sun on your skin during a walk. By focusing on these experiences rather than an arbitrary number, you’ll discover a more profound sense of fulfillment. It wasn’t until I began embracing and savoring these small, meaningful moments that I realized how much my pursuit of bodily perfection had been shaping my perspective.
8. Challenge Societal Narratives
Lastly question the societal standards that equate thinness with success and beauty. Reflect on where these beliefs came from—media, family, or cultural norms—and consider how they’ve influenced your self-perception. Educate yourself on how to care for your body in a healthy way—by eating for nourishment, not for aesthetics or control. Learn to enjoy a balanced diet, allowing yourself the occasional treat. Focus on strength without pushing yourself too hard, and give yourself grace when you need rest. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight or striving for a certain body type, remember that health comes in many shapes and sizes.
Changing your mindset is not easy. Letting go of the identity you’ve built around being thin or fit can be deeply challenging. Changing your mindset is not easy. Letting go of the identity you’ve built around being thin or fit can be deeply challenging. When I began gaining weight and losing my fit physique, I experienced an identity crisis. I questioned my value and struggled to redefine who I was beyond appearances. The praise and compliments from others had always been a nice confirmation of a job well done, but as my physique changed, most people didn’t even notice. My biggest critic was always me. However, through time and self-compassion, I realized that my worth was never tied to my body shape. While the process was difficult, it ultimately led me to a deeper, more authentic understanding of myself and my happiness.
Redefining health and happiness means letting go of the relentless pursuit of thinness and embracing a life that prioritizes balance, joy, and authenticity. The pursuit of being thin and fit or having an interested in being healthy is by no means wrong, but it should not come at the expense of a well-rounded life. By challenging societal norms, reconnecting with your body, and addressing emotional well-being, you can move beyond the constraints of trying to be thinner and step into a more empowered, fulfilling existence. Remember, your worth is not determined by your weight but by the richness of the life you create.
**I’ve included some resources and references below.**
Disclaimer: I am not an expert on eating disorders or disordered eating. The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.
Dressed up as Wonder Woman for a past church event called “Super Saturday”
In our image-obsessed culture, weight loss is often touted as the ultimate solution to unhappiness. Countless ads, social media influencers, and even well-meaning friends perpetuate the idea that shedding pounds will magically bring fulfillment. But for many, the pursuit of weight loss becomes a treadmill of physical and emotional exhaustion, leaving them further from true happiness than they began. My own journey is a testament to this reality: at my thinnest and fittest, I may have looked my best, but my mental and emotional health were in shambles. Only when I let go of the relentless pursuit of thinness did I find genuine contentment.
Years ago, I dedicated myself fully to becoming the “ideal” version of myself. I exercised rigorously, adhered to strict dietary guidelines, and prided myself on my discipline. Outwardly, the results were impressive. Friends and acquaintances showered me with compliments, admiring my fit physique and apparent self-control. It felt so good to be given so much praise, but beneath the surface, I was unraveling.
The mental toll of maintaining that lifestyle was immense. My thoughts were consumed by calories, macros, and workout schedules. I felt immense pressure to maintain my appearance, fearing that any deviation from my routine would erase all my progress. What’s more, I ignored the warning signs of burnout, convincing myself that my worth was tied to how I looked. Even though I appeared healthy, I was silently battling anxiety, self-doubt, and an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I felt the need to compare and compete with those around me.
This precarious balance came crashing down when I suffered an injury that significantly altered my ability to exercise. Suddenly, my meticulously crafted routine was impossible to maintain. Around the same time, I experienced a series of personal losses that shook me to my core. The weight of grief and the inability to channel my emotions into physical activity forced me to confront the truth I had been avoiding: I was deeply unhappy, and no amount of weight loss or fitness could fill the void inside me.
Initially, I struggled to adjust. Watching my body change felt like losing a part of my identity. But as I began to let go of the unrealistic expectations I had placed on myself, something remarkable happened. I discovered a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt in years. By allowing myself to relax and embrace a more balanced lifestyle, I found the space to heal emotionally and mentally.
Gaining weight, something I had once greatly feared so deeply, became a symbol of reclaiming my life. It meant enjoying meals with loved ones without guilt, spending time on hobbies that brought me joy, and prioritizing rest when my body needed it. I began to reconnect with who I truly was, apart from societal expectations or the number on a scale. For the first time in years, I felt whole. I felt happy. I felt content. I felt satisfied.
This journey taught me that the pursuit of thinness often comes at the expense of genuine happiness. While physical health and fitness is important, it should never overshadow mental and emotional well-being. True fulfillment comes from accepting ourselves as we are, imperfections and all, and building a life that aligns with our values rather than external standards.
Today, I am my truest, happiest self. My body may not fit my previous definition of perfection, but it is a vessel for a life filled with purpose, love, and joy. And that, I’ve learned, is far more valuable than any number on a scale. If you’ve been chasing weight loss as the solution to unhappiness, I encourage you to pause and reflect. Ask yourself what you truly need to feel whole. The answer, as I discovered, might not lie in losing weight but in finding yourself.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating, it’s important to reach out for support. Seeking assistance from friends, family, or mental health professionals can make a significant difference in navigating these challenges. Remember that you don’t have to face it alone, and there are resources available to help you on the path to recovery. Prioritize your well-being and take the first step toward seeking the support you need.
**I’ve included some resources and references below.**
Disclaimer: I am not an expert on eating disorders or disordered eating. The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.
The Connection Between High Control Religion and Women’s Disordered Eating
The new year often brings a surge of pressure to start dieting, driven by societal expectations and resolutions promising transformation. This focus on weight loss as a marker of success can overshadow the importance of mental and physical well-being, turning food into a source of stress rather than nourishment. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthier and lose weight, dieting often stems from external pressures rather than personal health goals, leading to unsustainable habits and frustration. I have experienced this struggle in my own life.
The Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church wasn’t just a place where I worshipped, it shaped how I saw the world, how I understood my role in it, and most critically, how I viewed myself. For years, I didn’t realize how much the environment I grew up in influenced my relationship with food, exercise, my body, and my self-worth. It’s only after stepping away that I’ve begun to connect the dots between the rigid expectations of the IFB and the subtle, yet pervasive, way they contributed to the disordered eating in my life and the lives of other women like me.
At first glance, it might not seem obvious how a religious community could fuel something like disordered eating. After all, the IFB didn’t preach diet plans from the pulpit or hand out weight-loss flyers during Sunday school. But what they did preach, and what they didn’t say, set the stage for a culture where women’s bodies were constantly under scrutiny, both explicitly and implicitly (1 Timothy 2:9-15 and 1 Peter 3:3-4). Messages about modesty, self-denial, and submission created an atmosphere where controlling one’s body became an act of spiritual devotion and self-worth often felt tied to outward appearance (Romans 12:1-2 and 2 Corinthians 10:5).
Modesty was a cornerstone of my upbringing. Women were taught to cover their bodies to avoid being a “stumbling block” for men (Luke 17:1-2, Romans 14:13, Ezekiel 14:3-7). Hemlines and necklines were policed with precision, and the unspoken message was clear: Your body is dangerous. It’s something to be hidden, controlled, and subdued. This idea planted the seeds of shame in many of us. We learned to view our bodies as a problem, something to fix or diminish, rather than something to embrace or celebrate.
Then came the relentless emphasis on self-denial (Matthew 16:24-26,Luke 9:23-24, Romans 12:1-2). The IFB held up sacrifice as the ultimate virtue, particularly for women. We were told to put others before ourselves, to be servants in our homes, and to carry our crosses daily (Philippians 2:3-4, Ephesians 6:4-9, Matthew 16:24-26, Galatians 5:13). Food and body control naturally became an outlet for this teaching. Skipping meals or dieting wasn’t just a matter of fitting into societal beauty standards, it became a subconscious way to live out the church’s doctrine of self-sacrifice. For many women, this manifested in extreme calorie restriction, bingeing and purging, fad diets, or obsessively exercising, all framed in their minds as acts of discipline and devotion. Prayer and fasting were often regarded as a pious and spiritual method of seeking divine intervention or demonstrating devotion, but they could also serve as a socially acceptable excuse for disordered eating.
In this environment, thinness often became an unspoken measure of holiness. While no one said it outright, there was an underlying belief that a thin, modestly dressed woman embodied discipline, self-control, and godliness. On the other hand, a woman who was overweight, or even just content in her body, was often viewed as lazy or lacking spiritual discipline. I remember how women who gained weight after having children would apologize for their appearance, as though they had failed not only themselves but God as well. This association between body size and spiritual worth created an impossible standard that many of us felt compelled to meet.
The IFB, like many high control religions, also had little room for emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration. Women were expected to be joyful, submissive, and quietly supportive at all times (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:3-5). For some, food became the only place to process or numb those suppressed feelings. Emotional eating or food restriction often filled the void where emotional honesty should have been. In a church culture that prized silence over confrontation, controlling food became a way to deal with emotions that had no other outlet (Proverbs 10:19, Proverbs 17:27, James 1:19, Colossians 4:6).
Stepping away from the high control of the IFB has given me a new perspective on these patterns. It’s clear now that the disordered relationship I developed with food and my body wasn’t just about societal pressures or personal insecurities, it was deeply tied to the messages I absorbed in church. It took years to untangle the connection, and even now, I find myself unraveling layers of guilt and shame that I didn’t even know I was carrying.
What’s heartbreaking is how common this story is. In speaking with other women who left the IFB, and other high control religions, I’ve heard countless variations of the same struggle. We were taught to shrink ourselves, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and that shrinking became second nature. Some have fought to reclaim their bodies and their worth, while others are still wrestling with the aftershocks of those teachings.
Reclaiming a healthy relationship with food and my body has been a slow and ongoing journey. It’s meant learning to listen to my body instead of punishing it. It’s meant dismantling the belief that my worth is tied to my appearance or my ability to control my physical self. And perhaps most importantly, it’s meant giving myself permission to take up space, in my body, in my emotions, and in my life.
The IFB’s teachings about women’s roles, modesty, and self-denial were never meant to cause harm, but the ripple effects have been profound (1 Timothy 2:9-15, 1 Peter 3:1-6, Ephesians 5:22-24, Colossians 3:18-24). For many women, they’ve resulted in a quiet hunger, not just for food, but for freedom, self-acceptance, and a life free from the constant pressure to shrink. By shedding those harmful beliefs, I’ve found a new kind of fullness, one that no diet or doctrine can ever take away.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating, it’s important to reach out for support. Seeking assistance from friends, family, or mental health professionals can make a significant difference in navigating these challenges. Remember that you don’t have to face it alone, and there are resources available to help you on the path to recovery. Prioritize your well-being and take the first step toward seeking the support you need.
**I’ve included some resources and references below.**
Disclaimer: I am not an expert on eating disorders or disordered eating. The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.
Understanding the Distinction: Eating Disorders vs. Disordered Eating
With the arrival of the new year, the pressure to lose weight often looms large, fueled by resolutions promising transformation and societal ideals equating the “New Year with a New You.” Often thinness equals success. I’ve written recently about how this annual focus can turn the simple act of eating into a source of stress rather than nourishment. It’s a cycle many of us know too well, where weight loss becomes the ultimate measure of worth. Yet, beneath this cultural fixation lies a spectrum of struggles with food and body image that range from disordered eating to severe eating disorders. Understanding these distinctions is essential for creating compassion, breaking free from harmful habits, and nurturing a healthier relationship with ourselves and the food we consume.
Navigating the complexities of food and body image requires understanding the nuanced differences between eating disorders and disordered eating. While both involve challenges in the relationship with food, the distinction lies not in extremes but in the underlying motivations, patterns, and severity of the behaviors. Recognizing this difference creates awareness and encourages compassion for those who struggle.
Eating Disorders Eating disorders are severe mental health conditions marked by persistent disruptions in eating behaviors and an intense preoccupation with body weight and shape. Disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder, and avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) often have life-threatening consequences. These illnesses extend beyond visible behaviors, encompassing deep psychological distress that demands professional intervention 35.
Disordered Eating Disordered eating, while less severe, refers to irregular eating habits that do not meet the clinical criteria for an eating disorder but can still negatively impact physical, emotional, and mental health. Examples include frequent dieting, calorie counting, skipping meals, and adhering to rigid food rules. People with disordered eating may engage in behaviors like binge eating, excessive exercise, or compulsively tracking their intake, driven by societal pressures or personal anxieties about body image 2.
These behaviors, though seemingly less alarming, can pave the way to full-blown eating disorders over time. Even when they don’t escalate, they may lead to long-term health issues, including psychological distress and a diminished sense of well-being 2.
Key Differences
Severity and Impact: Eating disorders are more severe and have a more significant impact on an individual’s life, often causing serious physical and psychological complications 3 7.
Diagnostic Criteria: Eating disorders meet specific clinical criteria outlined in the DSM-5 TR, while disordered eating does not have a formal diagnosis 5.
Frequency and Duration: Eating disorder behaviors occur more frequently and persist for longer periods compared to disordered eating 3.
Emotional Response: Individuals with eating disorders often experience intense negative emotions associated with food and eating, while those with disordered eating may have a more neutral emotional response 7.
Control: Eating disorders are characterized by a significant loss of control over eating behaviors, whereas disordered eating may involve more intermittent or less severe loss of control 3.
Treatment Needs: Eating disorders typically require professional intervention and comprehensive treatment, while disordered eating may benefit from education and early support 7 8.
Importance of Recognition
Understanding the distinction between eating disorders and disordered eating is crucial for several reasons:
Early Intervention: Recognizing disordered eating patterns early can prevent the development of full-blown eating disorders 2.
Appropriate Treatment: Differentiating between the two ensures individuals receive the most appropriate level of care and support 8.
Destigmatization: Acknowledging the spectrum of problematic eating behaviors helps reduce stigma and encourages seeking help 2.
Prevention: Understanding risk factors and early signs can aid in prevention efforts and promote healthier relationships with food and body image 6.
Why It Matters Understanding these distinctions is vital. Both eating disorders and disordered eating reflect a strained relationship with food, but early intervention for either can make a profound difference. While eating disorders and disordered eating share some similarities, they differ in severity, diagnosis, and impact. Both require attention and support, but eating disorders often necessitate more intensive treatment. Recognizing these distinctions is essential for promoting early intervention, appropriate care, and overall well-being. Seeking help, whether through friends, family, or healthcare professionals, is a courageous step toward recovery and well-being.
If you or someone you know is struggling, remember that support is available. Compassion, education, and professional guidance can pave the way to a healthier relationship with food and body image. You don’t have to face this journey alone. **I’ve included some resources and references below.**
Disclaimer: I am not an expert on eating disorders or disordered eating. The information provided is based on general knowledge and personal experience and should not be considered as a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. While I am a registered nurse, I am not your personal healthcare provider. It is advisable for you to consult with your own designated healthcare professional to determine the best course of action for your specific situation for personalized guidance and recommendations tailored to your specific needs.
I love working out in the privacy of my own home! I hope that these weekly workouts help encourage you along your healthier lifestyle journey!
“This 12-minute workout uses a dumbbell to do standing ab exercises, all while getting your heart rate up for bonus cardio. Tighten and tone your tummy with this no crunch, no plank workout. Great for those who have back pain or problems doing ab workouts on the mat. Options for all levels!”
Remember to keep proper form, warm up before, and stretch after you exercise! No excuses, just do it!
Are you enjoying these “No Gym? No Problem!” posts? If so, you can check out the rest by clicking HERE!
I love working out in the privacy of my own home! I hope that these weekly workouts help encourage you along your healthier lifestyle journey!
“This 12-minute workout uses a dumbbell to do standing ab exercises, all while getting your heart rate up for bonus cardio. Tighten and tone your tummy with this no crunch, no plank workout. Great for those who have back pain or problems doing ab workouts on the mat. Options for all levels!”
Remember to keep proper form, warm up before, and stretch after you exercise! No excuses, just do it!
Are you enjoying these “No Gym? No Problem!” posts? If so, you can check out the rest by clicking HERE!
You may not realize it, but flexibility is just as important for you as strength and cardio! Sometimes I am so sore from a previous intense workout that I need to focus for a few days on flexibility and stretching. This is a quick 15-minute flexibility workout by one of my favorites Kelly from Fitness Blender!
Remember to keep proper form and warm up before and stretch after you exercise!
Are you enjoying these “No Gym? No Problem!” posts? If so, you can check out the rest by clicking HERE!
We’re into the third month of the new year…how’s that resolution to workout going? Are you still eating healthier? I hope that these weekly workouts help encourage you along your healthier lifestyle journey!
“This 30-minute workout uses just a set of dumbbells to strengthen and sculpt your muscles, while also burning fat and calories with cardio. Use combo moves with weights for a time efficient total body workout. Options for all fitness levels.”
Remember to keep proper form, warm up before, and stretch after you exercise!
Are you enjoying these “No Gym? No Problem!” posts? If so, you can check out the rest by clicking HERE!
I love working out in the privacy of my own home! I hope that these weekly workouts help encourage you along your healthier lifestyle journey!
Looking Joli Good 